Author's Notes:: Chapter seven. I'm actually remembering to post. Well actually the reviews remind me to post, and I do. This chapter is mine... Meh... Not much to say. I hope you enjoy and at the end hit that review button and tell us what you think so far!!
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I stand looking at the man in front of me. He's looking at me as if I was nothing but a cheating, lying, inconsiderate whore. Which is probably half true. I just wanted time, a break to figure out what I wanted out of life and how I was going to handle everything. I feel like such a decrepit and feeble person right now. I promised myself not to cry over him, and yet here I am, my eyes stinging from the mix of wind and emotions. I am so vulnerable and abased. I hate myself for it. I don't want him to see this side of me. The side that I've tried to destroy, yet it comes back, more powerful than before. It surfaces at the worst times. I want this all to end, for it all to go away. We've stood there for a few minutes, neither one of us saying anything. I can't bring myself to look in his eyes, the events of the night before still playing in the back of my mind. I can't do this to him. But I can't bring myself to let go of him. He was the best thing that happened to me. I look off to my left, at the entrance, hoping for my pager to go off, I need an excuse to go back inside. I need an excuse to pardon myself from this hell. I feel his arms begin to pull me towards him, shielding me from the horrors of the world. No matter what I may do, I have a feeling he'll always forgive me, I just won't be able to forgive myself. I hold on to him for a while, I should let go. The less I glue myself to him, the better it will be in the end. But I can't, and I stop trying. I feel his hands run up and down my back, a word still hasn't been exchanged between us.
I suddenly feel like I'm being watched, an annoying feeling at that. I let go of Zach, he gives a look to something behind me. I turn my head. It's Carter, walking towards us. I'm not sure wether he's walking towards us exactly, or just by us, but I don't want to find out. I see Zach's jaw tense a bit. He walks up behind me, looking uncomfortable.
"Abby, the patient in three needs a CT."
I nod my head, avoiding both of the men's gaze. I can feel the tension between them. I could probably take a knife and slice through it a few times before it even broke the surface. I don't know why I said everything was okay between Carter and I. It never was, and it never will be. We've come too far together, and then suddenly split apart. There are things that still link us, whether or not we want to admit it. I see Zach look at me, and then at him. His eyes filled with hate.
"Keep away from her."
He lets me go and storms off towards his car, leaving me standing with Carter. I have a sudden urge to go run after him and tell him everything that happened, beg him for forgiveness at the end. But instead I stay in the same spot, the breathing behind me getting closer and closer every second.
"Are you okay?"
I shrug my shoulders, wanting to be relieved of this position. He walks around me, stopping in front, facing me. I want to erase his face from my memory, never admit that I had known him. It is an impossible feat. I would never be able to. He was such a part of me, he controlled my every action. If I didn't want to do something for myself, I ended up doing it for him. He's like a scar across my heart that I will never be able to remove. Along with the stitches that had been put in to mend it by Zach. It's just not the same. I hate him for what he's caused me to be right now.
"Abby?"
I can't even look at him without thinking of a thousand different ways to torture him.
"What do you want from me?"
He looks at me, questioning my intentions. I don't care how much I hurt him anymore. He's not worth the care. He's nothing to me anymore, another black hole of my life. It's the story of my life. A few good moments then blackness. His gaze persists upon me.
"Get out of my life..."
My voice comes out barely audible, a slight whisper over the passing of the L and the ambulance pulling up to the hospital. I hope he heard me, because I doubt I will be able to say it again.
"What?"
I know he heard me because his expression begins to change dramatically, the deep eyes full of spark now suddenly turned cold and grey.
"Get out of my life... Every single day I regret ever meeting you, ever being with you... Run away to your 'new' life in Africa... I don't care."
I turn around, leaving him standing there. I don't care. I'm going home. I'm mentally exhausted for the day. Someone will cover for me, somehow. I haven't called in sick yet all year, I need this one night. Just this one night to myself, alone. I start a slow walk after I get a good few blocks away from the hospital. I'm not running away. He ran away, the biggest mistake for us. There never was an 'us'. It never could have worked. We were two different people, with two different viewpoints on what each other should be. I never wanted him to be anything different than what he was, and he wanted me to be something different. To change the person I am. I have changed my lifestyle, my goals, but I as a person have not changed. I'm still the same miserable and fucked-up Abby that I always will be.
I reach the condo after a long walk. My feet hurt, my head is aching. I trudge up the stairs, taking one step at a time. My keys come out of my pocket, fitting selectively into the lock. The door swings open, and I am faced with an empty home. I was silently hoping on my way here that Zach would be waiting for me. But he's not. He probably left to the lakehouse. I 'm alone. I should be alone, I don't deserve to be loved. Zach doesn't want to love me. He shouldn't. I throw my bag and keys on the floor, giving myself a moment to just forget. I want to forget everything that just happened. I wish it had just been a nightmare and in a few minutes I will wake up next to Zach and remind myself why I am with him.
The ticking of the clock echoes throughout the silent condominium. Every second it feels as if a hammer is pounding into my head. I sit down on the sofa, resting my head on my knees, wrapping my arms around my body. Why did I think I could deal with everything? Why didn't I tie up loose ends when I had the chance? Now I'm lost in the middle of no where, and no end in sight. He's going to stay. I know he is. He's not just going to pack up and go back because I told him to. He will stay back to scorn me. I refuse to cry. The tears are building up in my eyes, but I'm not going to cry. No more signs of weakness or loss of control. I'm stronger than that. I can deal with it, I have before. I need to show Zach that I'm not worth it, so he doesn't have to force himself to stay with me. I will never stop blaming myself if he stays with me. He will become as wretched and pathetic as I am with time. I don't want that to happen to him. He deserves so much more.
I hear the door squeak open behind me, a gush of chilled wind filling the room.
"I don't regret anything."
~*~ Review Responses ~*~
Abbyfan:: I know but Carter is an idiot lately... I don't think he really means what he says/thinks about her...
Amanda:: Yeah... He loves her... He will always love her... I just wish on the show Kem would die.
MythStar Black Dragon:: Thank you.. We're trying to make it believeable.
Caitlin: I know we do alot of angst, but there is no plot without angst. Well actually there probably could be, but when there is angst, then they end up together, it's ten times better... I think there might be some Carby fuzz, but I'm not sure. We're working on. Just stick with us.. Please?? :o)
Tracey:: We like Zach too.. So we won't do anything bad to him...
Camilia: No. I don't think they really 'hate' each other. I think they just hate each other because they love each other so much and they don't want to get her. I don't know that probably made no sense. I'm just gonna shut up now and post the next chapter... It'll get better... I promise.
To everyone else who reviewed:: Thank you soo much!!!
~*~
I stand looking at the man in front of me. He's looking at me as if I was nothing but a cheating, lying, inconsiderate whore. Which is probably half true. I just wanted time, a break to figure out what I wanted out of life and how I was going to handle everything. I feel like such a decrepit and feeble person right now. I promised myself not to cry over him, and yet here I am, my eyes stinging from the mix of wind and emotions. I am so vulnerable and abased. I hate myself for it. I don't want him to see this side of me. The side that I've tried to destroy, yet it comes back, more powerful than before. It surfaces at the worst times. I want this all to end, for it all to go away. We've stood there for a few minutes, neither one of us saying anything. I can't bring myself to look in his eyes, the events of the night before still playing in the back of my mind. I can't do this to him. But I can't bring myself to let go of him. He was the best thing that happened to me. I look off to my left, at the entrance, hoping for my pager to go off, I need an excuse to go back inside. I need an excuse to pardon myself from this hell. I feel his arms begin to pull me towards him, shielding me from the horrors of the world. No matter what I may do, I have a feeling he'll always forgive me, I just won't be able to forgive myself. I hold on to him for a while, I should let go. The less I glue myself to him, the better it will be in the end. But I can't, and I stop trying. I feel his hands run up and down my back, a word still hasn't been exchanged between us.
I suddenly feel like I'm being watched, an annoying feeling at that. I let go of Zach, he gives a look to something behind me. I turn my head. It's Carter, walking towards us. I'm not sure wether he's walking towards us exactly, or just by us, but I don't want to find out. I see Zach's jaw tense a bit. He walks up behind me, looking uncomfortable.
"Abby, the patient in three needs a CT."
I nod my head, avoiding both of the men's gaze. I can feel the tension between them. I could probably take a knife and slice through it a few times before it even broke the surface. I don't know why I said everything was okay between Carter and I. It never was, and it never will be. We've come too far together, and then suddenly split apart. There are things that still link us, whether or not we want to admit it. I see Zach look at me, and then at him. His eyes filled with hate.
"Keep away from her."
He lets me go and storms off towards his car, leaving me standing with Carter. I have a sudden urge to go run after him and tell him everything that happened, beg him for forgiveness at the end. But instead I stay in the same spot, the breathing behind me getting closer and closer every second.
"Are you okay?"
I shrug my shoulders, wanting to be relieved of this position. He walks around me, stopping in front, facing me. I want to erase his face from my memory, never admit that I had known him. It is an impossible feat. I would never be able to. He was such a part of me, he controlled my every action. If I didn't want to do something for myself, I ended up doing it for him. He's like a scar across my heart that I will never be able to remove. Along with the stitches that had been put in to mend it by Zach. It's just not the same. I hate him for what he's caused me to be right now.
"Abby?"
I can't even look at him without thinking of a thousand different ways to torture him.
"What do you want from me?"
He looks at me, questioning my intentions. I don't care how much I hurt him anymore. He's not worth the care. He's nothing to me anymore, another black hole of my life. It's the story of my life. A few good moments then blackness. His gaze persists upon me.
"Get out of my life..."
My voice comes out barely audible, a slight whisper over the passing of the L and the ambulance pulling up to the hospital. I hope he heard me, because I doubt I will be able to say it again.
"What?"
I know he heard me because his expression begins to change dramatically, the deep eyes full of spark now suddenly turned cold and grey.
"Get out of my life... Every single day I regret ever meeting you, ever being with you... Run away to your 'new' life in Africa... I don't care."
I turn around, leaving him standing there. I don't care. I'm going home. I'm mentally exhausted for the day. Someone will cover for me, somehow. I haven't called in sick yet all year, I need this one night. Just this one night to myself, alone. I start a slow walk after I get a good few blocks away from the hospital. I'm not running away. He ran away, the biggest mistake for us. There never was an 'us'. It never could have worked. We were two different people, with two different viewpoints on what each other should be. I never wanted him to be anything different than what he was, and he wanted me to be something different. To change the person I am. I have changed my lifestyle, my goals, but I as a person have not changed. I'm still the same miserable and fucked-up Abby that I always will be.
I reach the condo after a long walk. My feet hurt, my head is aching. I trudge up the stairs, taking one step at a time. My keys come out of my pocket, fitting selectively into the lock. The door swings open, and I am faced with an empty home. I was silently hoping on my way here that Zach would be waiting for me. But he's not. He probably left to the lakehouse. I 'm alone. I should be alone, I don't deserve to be loved. Zach doesn't want to love me. He shouldn't. I throw my bag and keys on the floor, giving myself a moment to just forget. I want to forget everything that just happened. I wish it had just been a nightmare and in a few minutes I will wake up next to Zach and remind myself why I am with him.
The ticking of the clock echoes throughout the silent condominium. Every second it feels as if a hammer is pounding into my head. I sit down on the sofa, resting my head on my knees, wrapping my arms around my body. Why did I think I could deal with everything? Why didn't I tie up loose ends when I had the chance? Now I'm lost in the middle of no where, and no end in sight. He's going to stay. I know he is. He's not just going to pack up and go back because I told him to. He will stay back to scorn me. I refuse to cry. The tears are building up in my eyes, but I'm not going to cry. No more signs of weakness or loss of control. I'm stronger than that. I can deal with it, I have before. I need to show Zach that I'm not worth it, so he doesn't have to force himself to stay with me. I will never stop blaming myself if he stays with me. He will become as wretched and pathetic as I am with time. I don't want that to happen to him. He deserves so much more.
I hear the door squeak open behind me, a gush of chilled wind filling the room.
"I don't regret anything."
~*~ Review Responses ~*~
Abbyfan:: I know but Carter is an idiot lately... I don't think he really means what he says/thinks about her...
Amanda:: Yeah... He loves her... He will always love her... I just wish on the show Kem would die.
MythStar Black Dragon:: Thank you.. We're trying to make it believeable.
Caitlin: I know we do alot of angst, but there is no plot without angst. Well actually there probably could be, but when there is angst, then they end up together, it's ten times better... I think there might be some Carby fuzz, but I'm not sure. We're working on. Just stick with us.. Please?? :o)
Tracey:: We like Zach too.. So we won't do anything bad to him...
Camilia: No. I don't think they really 'hate' each other. I think they just hate each other because they love each other so much and they don't want to get her. I don't know that probably made no sense. I'm just gonna shut up now and post the next chapter... It'll get better... I promise.
To everyone else who reviewed:: Thank you soo much!!!