I wake up in a daze, I have no clue what's going on around me, or where I am. It takes me a few moments to register my surroundings. I hear gentle breathing behind me, my naked body warmed by another. I shiver a bit, the inevitable ahead of me. I look behind me, I had never missed Zach as much as I do right now. But its not him. I knew it wouldn't be him. He left to the beach house, after telling me he would love me through the worst. I would consider this to be on that list of worst. I feel so filthy and immoral just lying here, I've broken the one main rule, never reminisce. I move out from under his grasp, taking a shirt from the floor and putting it on. I'm ashamed of myself, I don't want him to see me. I walk into the bathroom, turning the shower on.

Maybe I can wash away everything, the sent of him, the feel of him. I can get rid of everything he ever did to me with water. It cleanses even the worst away, why can't it clean me of these pains? I can't even look into the mirror. I know who I will see staring back at me, a person I detest. I'm a cheater, a liar, a deceiver. I want to smash the glass in front of me just so I never have to look at myself again. I pull off the shirt, stepping into the steaming water. It's hot, too hot for my skin, it burns. It feels good for that once brief second, I'm focusing on the physical pain instead of the mental pain. I take the sponge and lather it, running it over and over my arms and shoulders, legs and stomach. It's not coming off. His scent is forever laced within my skin. It's a haunting smell, so evil. Just like I am. I whip the sponge towards the wall. Damnit. The water pounds against my chest, turning everything a light shade of red. The tears I've been refusing to shed start to pile up again. I let them fall. I'm alone, I will forever be alone, and these tears are the only good memories I may have. My body starts to fail me, curling up on the floor under the mist of pounding water. What has happened to me? Only two days ago I could have delt with anything. Now I can't bring myself to get out of the house. I let the water run over my head, trying to rid my hair of his touch.

The water stops having its effect, I still feel dirty. I turn off the facet, dragging my body out of the metal tub. The room is filled with steam, blocking the mirror, a sense of relief. I dry my hair with a towel, taking a clip and pushing it up. It won't dry, but that is the least of my worries right now. Zach's robe is hanging on the door, I put it over the towel I tied around myself. His robe is sizes too big and too long, but I don't care. It's a reminder of why I can't let this go any farther. I have to end this ultimate torture for both us. The ultimate regret. It shouldn't have happened. He took advantage of me. I know it will not be that easy with Zach. It takes two to tango. And I never pushed him off or away. Why did it have to happen the way it did? He doesn't want me. He never did. I'm just a good fuck, at least I proved that much to myself. I mean nothing to him. He'll go back, as if nothing happened. He has no responsibilities here. He can leave any time he wants. I don't have that luxury. He is the biggest mistake of my life. And I love to dwell on my mistakes.

I walk out of the bathroom, meeting him a few paces ahead. He looks at me, reaching out his hand to brush the strands of hair that had fallen out of my face. I dodge his touch. I never want to see him again. He manages to ruin everything good in my life, including me. I had never felt so much abhorrence towards a person in my life. I wish he would just leave me, once and for all. It's not fair to keep me stringing alone, forming fake feelings when he feels like it. I'm not a doll he can play with. I walk past him, aiming to get into the bedroom to put some clothes on. He puts his hand on my shoulder, holding on to me. I can't break away from him.

"Abby..."

I try to push him away, he's holding on as if his life depends on it. It doesn't, but my life depends on getting away from him. I finally manage to get him to lighten the grasp, but now I can't get away from him.

"We've.."

I turn around. My heart is pounding. I never realized that this might be hard. Frankly, I hope I hurt him. He deserves to be hurt. He should know better than to intrude on people's lives. I was happy with my life, in love with Zach. Suddenly he showed up and I'm supposed to throw myself in front of him begging for forgiveness? He has a fucking son and a fiancee. He's no better than I am. He's worse. I'll never be able to trust him, I never trusted him to begin with. He lied to me, he left me, he's hurt me. He's not something I want in my life.

" There is no "we". There is just you and me and the biggest mistake of my life."

He looks at me, he's angry. Angry because it's the truth? I'm not lying to him like he lied to me. I'm not going to be there for him or with him. I would not regret these words if they were the last words to him, ever.

"You mean fucking nothing to me."

The sun stopped shining through the windows, shielded by clouds. The world was engulfed for a brief period in utter darkness, a storm on the way.

"You're lying."

I can barely see him, he's standing a few feet away, but I can only imagine the _expression on his face. Is it supposed to give me a feeling of satisfaction? That's all I feel right now, his pain makes mine elevate. I begin to move even farther back, putting multitudes of distance between us.

"What? Like you are to your son?"

He's started to walk towards me, I see his brown eyes shining with tears. What did he expect from me?

"I'm not lying to anyone because I know I love you."

I look at him, he doesn't love me. He doesn't fucking love me. If he loved me he would have come back and tried to talk, he would have done something better than run away. Now he just wants me because I've pulled my life together. What is he now realizing that he lost a great thing? No. I'm stronger than that, I have to make myself believe it. I have to make my believe that there is life after Carter. I've spent months forcing it, and now it suddenly all disappeared.

"Have a nice life, Carter."

I motion him towards the door, a tear dripping down his chin. I have no empathy for him. He deserves everything horrible the world can throw at him.

"So last night meant nothing to you?"

I look him straight in the eyes, no turning back now.

"A waste of time."

I turn around heading towards the bedroom. I need to get dressed. I need to start my routine again. I was ripped out of it for two days and my world is near collapse. I lock the door behind me, looking at the room where Zach and I made love. Carter and I just had meaningless sex. The room has been desecrated, nothing will ever change that. I pull out a shirt and a pair of sweat pants from the closet. I pull them on quickly, not wanting to be left naked and vulnerable for another minute longer. I look at the bed, the tangled sheets screaming of confusion and demoralization. I pull them off, throwing them on a pile. The first evidence has to be destroyed. Yet I know I'm going to have to tell Zach. There is no avoiding it. I'm just terrified that he's going to leave. I want myself to believe that I'm impartial. But I'm not. I push the sheets together, pulling out a new set from the bottom dresser. I place it on the bed. I"ll put it on later. I gather the sheets on the floor. They hold the scent of us. I can't even be near them. They make me sick to my stomach. I leave them in the room, kicked to the corner. I walk out, the condo empty. He's left. I thank god silently that he left. I doubt I would be able to deal with him. I look up just in time to see the door swing open, then slam shut.

"You want to tell me what the hell is going on?"

I walk towards him, taking his hand and leading him towards the sofa. This is going to be harder than delivering the worst news to a family.

"We need to talk."

He looks at me, I don't know what to make of his _expression. I'm biting on my bottom lip, shedding blood because I can taste it inside my mouth. The tears swell up in my eyes again. It's ineludible. I'm going to cause him pain. He grabs my hand and intertwines his finger in mine. I should savor this moment because it will probably be my last with him.

"I'm sorry."

He looks out the window at the violent rain pounding against the tall windows. The sky is a deep, dark black with the end of the storm no where in sight. He knows, he knows very well. I'm waiting for him to tell me to leave.

"Why?"

I had never thought about it. I kept on blaming him and myself. I kept on questioning why it happened, but I never asked myself why I even let him in. Why I pulled him towards the bedroom. Why I let him violate me, rape me, betray me. I shrug my shoulder, a sign for the tears to come, more fierce than the rain outside.

"Zach..."

I pull his limp figure closer towards me, he wraps his arms around me, pulling my head into his lap. I've never hurt so much in my life.

"Don't apologize. I don't want to hear it."

I look out and watch the lighting crack and thunder roar. The height of the storm will soon be here.