Authors' notes:: Blame me blame me.. I've had the longest most horrible weekend just everything and blah and I'm so sorry for the lack of updates... Please please please forgive me!! I'm posting three tonight and then well tomorrow if my day gets any worse.. and well I'm done with the misery talk... Here's the next chapter... It's Kat's.. that's your warning!! Have fun, and please review!!! Pretty pretty please!?!?! We live for reviews, you guys know that!!
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I quietly shut the door behind me, leaving the life I once knew, the girl I love, our lives will forever be intertwined, we shared something special. Though she may not admit it now, or ever. What we had, in that bedroom last night, what we had a year ago, it meant something. It was real, it was love. Neither of us will ever have that again, not with each other, not with anyone else, that may be for the better, but I will miss it. I will miss the feeling, the comfort, the suspense, everything. I look at the day that lies before me, clouds blanket the sky, sending chills through me, I immediately recognize the pathetic fallacy that is my life. I feel like the weather represents my moods, and today would be a prime example. I take a deep breath heading out into the storm to be. I walk down the cement steps, my feet smacking hard against the cement, I can see a figure get out of a car ahead of me. I suddenly wish I had brought my jeep instead of taking the L. The figure walks towards me, hate written all over his face, he knows. He knows exactly what happened, and I wouldn't be surprised if he ploughed his fist into my face, taking out his every hate on me. "What the fuck are you doing at my condo?" His pace quickens, he is mere feet in front of me, fists resting by his side, clenched into balls, knuckles turning white. "What the fuck did you do to her?" His eyes glued to me, watching my every move, I am daring to take the cowards way out, run away from here. I can't. I love her, she loves me, someone has to fight for that love. He approaches me. "I thought I told you to leave my girlfriend alone." His teeth clenched, his jaw tight.
"Abby can make her own decision." I spit back, using her first name, not giving him the pleasure of calling her his girlfriend. "Fuck you." He hollers back. "You fucking asshole," his hands are now on my shoulders shoving me into a wall, I push back, trying to protect myself from the maniac that stands before me, thrashing my body into the hard wall. "You fucked her didn't you?" He holds me still against the wall, watching my facial expressions, my hands go up trying to pry his off of my coat. "Fucking tell me." He pushes me into the wall, as though he is trying to push me through the wall. "You don't want to know." I answer sullenly. He slowly releases me from his grip, not moving, he stares at the ground, her strewn across his face, pain invading his eyes. He is painfully aware of what went on between Abby and I last night, he is painfully aware of where it took place too. Suddenly his fist comes up smashing into my jaw, I stumble back, my hand goes up rubbing the now swelling area on my face. "Feel better." I ask sarcastically.
"I catch you near Abby again, I will find you and fucking kill you." He stands in front of me watching as I stare at him. Not believing what he is saying, or not taking it as a threat. "I will do what I want, as will she." I say in a tone that I shouldn't be using around the man whose girlfriend I just fucked. "You little fucker." He runs towards me ramming me into the wall repeatedly screaming out in hate and anger. I don't fight back, I have him exactly where I want him. I fall to the ground after the fifth smash or so, he hovers over me, watching me, hating me. He slowly turns away, leaving me with misery, and guilt. Newly arrived guilt. I feel sorry for this man, I didn't seconds ago, I do know. I know what its like to loose Abby, to go on and act like your heart is not in pieces, that you are fine. Its an impossible task, one that haunted me, bringing me back here to face her, to feel her, to take her in my arms, hold her, feel myself inside her. I sit on the cool ground, blood trickling down my back, I feel my shirt sticking to my sweaty bloody body, I am sure how hurt I am, it could be minor scratches, or wounds in need of stitches. I manage to lift up my hands running them through my messy hair. I look up at the window in their condo, the light is on, I can't see any movements, it is peaceful. Everything is at peace. I slowly rise to my feet inspecting the parts of my body I can see. I have a shift today, hell I could be late for my shift, I don't even know what time it is. I start on my walk to the hospital, I have no where else to go, I am alone in this world, even when I am with Kem I am still alone. All alone. My back hurts, the rough cement caused tiny cat scratches at the least. I rub my hand along the outside of my shirt, trying to sooth the pain. A numb feeling overcomes me, taking away all the physical pain and bringing in the lost feeling. I don't know what I want out of life anymore, everything I once knew is now diminished, thrown into the wind carelessly, by the heartbreaker herself. I feel nothing, but numbness. I am officially emotionless, not knowing what to do, or how to feel. Everything I learned, the stories Gamma would tell me, about my princess, the girl that would love me. Who would accept me for who I am, which to Gamma was a perfect little boy. Not only have I let myself down I have let my Gamma down.
The train pulls up the stop, I walk on with the bustle of people, everyone going somewhere, not taking a moment to step back and take a look. Take a look at the things they have, or what they don't have, or even what they had, what they had but thought they didn't need anymore. So they threw it away for someone else to scoop up and make it their own. Sometimes we spend so much time looking for what is missing in our lives, not realizing it could be right in front of us. We turn a blind eye, wanting more, searching for more, not knowing the more could be within ourselves. We push people away, in the process pushing a part of ourselves away, I did that. I pushed her away, she didn't know when to push back, so she left, she hurt me, I hurt her. Now all that is left of our relationship, is four broken hearts. Four wrecked souls. Maybe if we had just learned to love each other for who we are, learned to accept the fact that no one is perfect then things could be different. But nothing in life is that cut and dry, nothing is that simple, or perfect. To love you must loose. Now that I have lost, I realized that maybe I never had to loose, maybe I could have just loved all along. Like I said, nothing is that simple. The train comes to a screeching halt, I get up out of my seat swaying with the rhythm of the train, I stand up watching as the people file out, following the last person, I make my way onto the platform slowly walking down the stairs onto the hard asphalt, the snow residue filling the soles of my worn out work shoes. Ambulance sirens fill the air, as the rain makes it way down onto me, I don't care, I don't care about anything anymore, I have forgotten how to care. I walk through the hospital doors, no one notices as I make way to the lounge, I push in, taking a seat on the couch. I lean my head against the sofa, heaving a deep sigh. "We need another set of-" Susan stops mid sentence, I lean my head forward looking at her stunned _expression. "Oh my god, Carter what happened to you?" Is the mark on the side of my face really that obvious? "Who did this to you?" I shrug, getting up from my resting spot, she looks astonished, her mouth open watching as I walk towards the fridge to get something to drink. "Carter your back, there is blood all over your shirt!" She runs over to my side lifting up my shirt and looking at my scraped up back. "I'm okay Susan really." I push her away, but not before she can grab my arm and drag me out of the lounge. "I'll check you out." She insists. I shrug her hand off my shoulder, following her into the empty exam room. I pass by the board on the way noticing Abby's name is written on it. She is on about two hours. Maybe she will call in sick, I don't want her to get pleasure out of my pain, that is the last thing I need. I sit down on the edge of the bed, Susan standing over me frowning. "Someone really roughed you up." She runs her finger over my bruise, I cringe at her touch. She holds my face still trying to get a better look at the mark on my face. "How many times were you hit?"
"I really don't know Susan." I sigh, not wanting to be checked out. I still have an hour or so till my shift, I could be sleeping of my beating. "Carter, you should really report this." She helps me get my shirt off so she can take a proper look at my back. "You have bruising all over your back." She looks frustrated with my inability to care.
"I'm fine Susan. Really." I stand up, grabbing for my shirt that she has a firm grip on. "Just leave me alone. Thank for caring, but I am okay." I say exasperated. She shakes her head, not releasing her grip on my shirt. "Susan." I say through a clenched jaw.
"Look you don't have to report it, but at least let me finish examining you." She looks at me with pleading eyes, and I get back onto the bed. I can feel her poke at my bruise, and sigh a few times. "Well-" She starts I stand up putting my shirt back on.
"Your back is going to be okay, you are going to be in pain for a few days, but if you put ice on it, it could stop the swelling. You fractured your cheek bone though." She finishes off, it doesn't surprise me. "I can give you something for it."
"Nah, I'll just bite the bullet and deal with it." I say pulling a scrub top, she grabbed for me on. "Okay." She watches as I flatten out the top, "Carter, are you okay?"
"I told you Susan-" I say a bit aggravated.
"No, I mean is someone after you? Trying to hurt you?" She seems genuinely concerned, I smile at this, finding it quite sweet. "Really. I am fine." I walk out of the exam room, and back into the lounge to get some sleep before I get thrown into the havoc, that is County General.
~*~
I quietly shut the door behind me, leaving the life I once knew, the girl I love, our lives will forever be intertwined, we shared something special. Though she may not admit it now, or ever. What we had, in that bedroom last night, what we had a year ago, it meant something. It was real, it was love. Neither of us will ever have that again, not with each other, not with anyone else, that may be for the better, but I will miss it. I will miss the feeling, the comfort, the suspense, everything. I look at the day that lies before me, clouds blanket the sky, sending chills through me, I immediately recognize the pathetic fallacy that is my life. I feel like the weather represents my moods, and today would be a prime example. I take a deep breath heading out into the storm to be. I walk down the cement steps, my feet smacking hard against the cement, I can see a figure get out of a car ahead of me. I suddenly wish I had brought my jeep instead of taking the L. The figure walks towards me, hate written all over his face, he knows. He knows exactly what happened, and I wouldn't be surprised if he ploughed his fist into my face, taking out his every hate on me. "What the fuck are you doing at my condo?" His pace quickens, he is mere feet in front of me, fists resting by his side, clenched into balls, knuckles turning white. "What the fuck did you do to her?" His eyes glued to me, watching my every move, I am daring to take the cowards way out, run away from here. I can't. I love her, she loves me, someone has to fight for that love. He approaches me. "I thought I told you to leave my girlfriend alone." His teeth clenched, his jaw tight.
"Abby can make her own decision." I spit back, using her first name, not giving him the pleasure of calling her his girlfriend. "Fuck you." He hollers back. "You fucking asshole," his hands are now on my shoulders shoving me into a wall, I push back, trying to protect myself from the maniac that stands before me, thrashing my body into the hard wall. "You fucked her didn't you?" He holds me still against the wall, watching my facial expressions, my hands go up trying to pry his off of my coat. "Fucking tell me." He pushes me into the wall, as though he is trying to push me through the wall. "You don't want to know." I answer sullenly. He slowly releases me from his grip, not moving, he stares at the ground, her strewn across his face, pain invading his eyes. He is painfully aware of what went on between Abby and I last night, he is painfully aware of where it took place too. Suddenly his fist comes up smashing into my jaw, I stumble back, my hand goes up rubbing the now swelling area on my face. "Feel better." I ask sarcastically.
"I catch you near Abby again, I will find you and fucking kill you." He stands in front of me watching as I stare at him. Not believing what he is saying, or not taking it as a threat. "I will do what I want, as will she." I say in a tone that I shouldn't be using around the man whose girlfriend I just fucked. "You little fucker." He runs towards me ramming me into the wall repeatedly screaming out in hate and anger. I don't fight back, I have him exactly where I want him. I fall to the ground after the fifth smash or so, he hovers over me, watching me, hating me. He slowly turns away, leaving me with misery, and guilt. Newly arrived guilt. I feel sorry for this man, I didn't seconds ago, I do know. I know what its like to loose Abby, to go on and act like your heart is not in pieces, that you are fine. Its an impossible task, one that haunted me, bringing me back here to face her, to feel her, to take her in my arms, hold her, feel myself inside her. I sit on the cool ground, blood trickling down my back, I feel my shirt sticking to my sweaty bloody body, I am sure how hurt I am, it could be minor scratches, or wounds in need of stitches. I manage to lift up my hands running them through my messy hair. I look up at the window in their condo, the light is on, I can't see any movements, it is peaceful. Everything is at peace. I slowly rise to my feet inspecting the parts of my body I can see. I have a shift today, hell I could be late for my shift, I don't even know what time it is. I start on my walk to the hospital, I have no where else to go, I am alone in this world, even when I am with Kem I am still alone. All alone. My back hurts, the rough cement caused tiny cat scratches at the least. I rub my hand along the outside of my shirt, trying to sooth the pain. A numb feeling overcomes me, taking away all the physical pain and bringing in the lost feeling. I don't know what I want out of life anymore, everything I once knew is now diminished, thrown into the wind carelessly, by the heartbreaker herself. I feel nothing, but numbness. I am officially emotionless, not knowing what to do, or how to feel. Everything I learned, the stories Gamma would tell me, about my princess, the girl that would love me. Who would accept me for who I am, which to Gamma was a perfect little boy. Not only have I let myself down I have let my Gamma down.
The train pulls up the stop, I walk on with the bustle of people, everyone going somewhere, not taking a moment to step back and take a look. Take a look at the things they have, or what they don't have, or even what they had, what they had but thought they didn't need anymore. So they threw it away for someone else to scoop up and make it their own. Sometimes we spend so much time looking for what is missing in our lives, not realizing it could be right in front of us. We turn a blind eye, wanting more, searching for more, not knowing the more could be within ourselves. We push people away, in the process pushing a part of ourselves away, I did that. I pushed her away, she didn't know when to push back, so she left, she hurt me, I hurt her. Now all that is left of our relationship, is four broken hearts. Four wrecked souls. Maybe if we had just learned to love each other for who we are, learned to accept the fact that no one is perfect then things could be different. But nothing in life is that cut and dry, nothing is that simple, or perfect. To love you must loose. Now that I have lost, I realized that maybe I never had to loose, maybe I could have just loved all along. Like I said, nothing is that simple. The train comes to a screeching halt, I get up out of my seat swaying with the rhythm of the train, I stand up watching as the people file out, following the last person, I make my way onto the platform slowly walking down the stairs onto the hard asphalt, the snow residue filling the soles of my worn out work shoes. Ambulance sirens fill the air, as the rain makes it way down onto me, I don't care, I don't care about anything anymore, I have forgotten how to care. I walk through the hospital doors, no one notices as I make way to the lounge, I push in, taking a seat on the couch. I lean my head against the sofa, heaving a deep sigh. "We need another set of-" Susan stops mid sentence, I lean my head forward looking at her stunned _expression. "Oh my god, Carter what happened to you?" Is the mark on the side of my face really that obvious? "Who did this to you?" I shrug, getting up from my resting spot, she looks astonished, her mouth open watching as I walk towards the fridge to get something to drink. "Carter your back, there is blood all over your shirt!" She runs over to my side lifting up my shirt and looking at my scraped up back. "I'm okay Susan really." I push her away, but not before she can grab my arm and drag me out of the lounge. "I'll check you out." She insists. I shrug her hand off my shoulder, following her into the empty exam room. I pass by the board on the way noticing Abby's name is written on it. She is on about two hours. Maybe she will call in sick, I don't want her to get pleasure out of my pain, that is the last thing I need. I sit down on the edge of the bed, Susan standing over me frowning. "Someone really roughed you up." She runs her finger over my bruise, I cringe at her touch. She holds my face still trying to get a better look at the mark on my face. "How many times were you hit?"
"I really don't know Susan." I sigh, not wanting to be checked out. I still have an hour or so till my shift, I could be sleeping of my beating. "Carter, you should really report this." She helps me get my shirt off so she can take a proper look at my back. "You have bruising all over your back." She looks frustrated with my inability to care.
"I'm fine Susan. Really." I stand up, grabbing for my shirt that she has a firm grip on. "Just leave me alone. Thank for caring, but I am okay." I say exasperated. She shakes her head, not releasing her grip on my shirt. "Susan." I say through a clenched jaw.
"Look you don't have to report it, but at least let me finish examining you." She looks at me with pleading eyes, and I get back onto the bed. I can feel her poke at my bruise, and sigh a few times. "Well-" She starts I stand up putting my shirt back on.
"Your back is going to be okay, you are going to be in pain for a few days, but if you put ice on it, it could stop the swelling. You fractured your cheek bone though." She finishes off, it doesn't surprise me. "I can give you something for it."
"Nah, I'll just bite the bullet and deal with it." I say pulling a scrub top, she grabbed for me on. "Okay." She watches as I flatten out the top, "Carter, are you okay?"
"I told you Susan-" I say a bit aggravated.
"No, I mean is someone after you? Trying to hurt you?" She seems genuinely concerned, I smile at this, finding it quite sweet. "Really. I am fine." I walk out of the exam room, and back into the lounge to get some sleep before I get thrown into the havoc, that is County General.