Author's Notes:: Please please please Review!!!
I look at the clock ticking the minutes of my pitiful existence away. I'm supposed to start my shift in another half hour, but I doubt that is going to happen. We haven't actually said a word to each other. He's just silently hiding all the pain he feels. I don't know how he found out, and I do not want to know. I just wish that he could somehow forgive me and we could move on. It seems like an impossibility right now, but I care so much for this man. More than I have ever for anyone else. I want this to work out. Before I was debating whether we could be together, whether we would be able to work out. And now I know we could have, if I hadn't fucked everything up. He comes back giving me a look, I shiver every time I think about what I have done to him. He sits down across from me, he distances himself every few minutes. The distance isn't going to make the pain lessen, believe me, I've tried.
"Zach?"
My voice is barely audible. I don't know what he thinks of me anymore. I'm scared to find out the truth, terrified to let the realization that I'm alone again echo through my mind.
"What do you want from me?"
He's furious. I've never heard him use this tone before. I scares me a bit.
"I never meant for it to happen."
He gives me a sarcastic smile, hiding all the emotions behind his blue-grey eyes. I don't think I've moved from the same spot on the sofa all day. I'm afraid that I make one wrong move it will be the end. So I sit silently and await condemnation.
"So I"m supposed to forgive you and pretend it never happened?"
I look down at the creme colored carpet floor. I blame myself. It's all my fault. It's always all my fault. I shouldn't have given in. I should have pushed him away. I still can't figure out why though. He seems to have a magnetic force that pulls me towards him, and no matter how hard I try, it never lets go. My life had been easy before, and suddenly it turned so complicated. Maybe that's why it happened. My life was too easy, it wasn't fair to the rest of the world. I don't know anymore. I feel like I'm a three year old being scolded for breaking a toy. A scolding wouldn't be so bad, because I know he would be doing it out of love. This is far from love, this is a broken love, and nothing will ever be able to fix it completely. I get up, slowly walking towards him. I sit down on the floor in front of him, kneeling down on my feet. I take his hands, which he reluctantly gives me. I cradle them with my own.
"Zach. I don't understand what happened. I don't want to make up excuses to give you. You mean..."
I take a deep breath, he's looking at me, but its far from over.
"You mean the world to me. It took a stupid mistake to realize I could loose you. I love you..."
He leans back into the sofa, rolling his eyes at me.
"Same thing you said to him right?"
Goddamn it. I swear I had cried all the tears I had left before. They keep on coming back. I had never felt the twinge of rejection as much as I did at that moment. I let his hands go, covering my face with them, not letting him see me cry. I bury my head into my lap. I can't keep doing this. I just can't keep doing this. I need to break away, move somewhere far where no one knows me and I can fashion a new life. Something small and simple. I want this hell to be over. I can't breath, my tears overbear my breathing, leaving me gasping for air. Slowly crying myself to death isn't a bad way to go. I feel my body shaking in-between coughs. I'm mentally dead, the only thing that keeps me going is this still-beating heart. I feel his hands skim over my body, testing territory. My body is soon lifted, safe and protected in his arms again. I cherish the moment because I have a feeling it will be my last. I feel him set me down on soft leather, the sofa. He sits down a few inches away, running his fingers over my face. He's teasing me, letting me know what a good thing I had. He pulls me in closer towards him, I can feel his labored breathing. I can't bring myself to look at him. I want to remember the good times, not the bad, especially not right now.
"Hey... Hey... We've been through worse right? It'll take time.. We're gonna be okay..."
I close my eyes, digging my head into his chest, letting him hold me. I just want to be held, nothing more. I love this man. I never realized it until right now. He's everything I want and need. He still kept me, still loved me after a place where many would have left. I don't know why I went searching for more when the best thing was right in front of me all the while. I start to breath normally again, the coughing suppressed. I look at him, his eyes sparkle with newly-shed tears. I wrap my arms around his neck, bringing my lips up near his ear.
"I"m so sorry... I love you.. Please... You're the only good thing in my life... I really need something to hold on to..."
He holds me even tighter, this feels so right.
"I'm not going anywhere, I promise."
Promises have been made before, and have been broken before. I have a feeling that this promise will stay true. He'd do anything for me, I know as much. I never knew what being loved felt like, but now I know. I know that Carter could never make me feel this way. Maybe before, but not now. He's a scar upon me, a meaningless time. He broke every single promise he ever made, ran away when I needed him most, he didn't let me in, didn't let me need him. I need to forget him. I always go back to thinking of him, as if he's a comparison to everyone else I've ever been with. No. I need to stop. I rest in Zach's arms for a few minutes longer.
"Can we talk tonight?"
He looks at me, nodding his head.
"I'd like that."
I kiss him on the cheek, he forces a smile. It's going to take time, I know that. I doubt he will ever fully trust me again. I don't care as long as I still have him in my life. If I didn't, I would probably be somewhere on the cold ceramic bathroom floor, sick to my stomach from wanting to drink the memories away. I'm strong than that now. I can move on without it. And without him. I force myself away from him. I'm already an hour late for my shift. I walk into the bathroom, splashing cold water across my face to get rid of the redness across my cheeks. I shouldn't go in today. I could probably kill someone with my hands still shaking like they are. I can't stay home either. He needs his time apart from me. I don't blame him. I take my purse and keys, and head out the door. Zach is oblivious to my leaving. I hope to god it will get better.
The ride to the hospital on the L seems faster than I remember it. Maybe because I'm behind rush hour. I get to the ambulance bay and Susan is standing out. I walk up closer to her and she's fidgeting, moving from one foot to the other.
"Your late."
She snaps the comment at me, I bite my bottom lip. I don't know what's wrong, so I'm not going to say anything to her just yet. She usually doesn't snap at people, or yell at them for an reason.
"Susan? Are you okay?"
She nods her head, but I know something is wrong. I need to push and pry a bit with her.
"Susan... Come on? What are friends for?"
She shrugs her shoulders, I think I've just gained access.
"It's Carter."
I restrain myself from wishing him dead, and roll my eyes instead. She shoots me a dirty look, and I stop.
"What happened? He break your heart?"
She gives me another look, I'm trying to cheer her up. It's not working. It can't be that serious because the altar hasn't been set up, and I don't see millions of devoted fans lining up outside the bay doors holding a candlelight vigil.
"He has a broken cheekbone along with some cuts and bruises."
I take a deep breathe. My heart is suddenly pounding.
"But he's okay right?"
She nods her head.
"Physically he's okay. I'm just worried about him."
I take a deep breath, wishing I had stayed home more every second. The ambulance sirens are heard as the pull up in front of us. Susan takes the trauma, and I head in after her, to drop off my purse and get to work. I wonder what happened to Carter. Not that I care. He deserved it. I wonder what kind of predicament he got himself into. I walk into the lounge, and straight into him. I stop breathing for a short while, the tension evident, along with the fear and frustration. I can't stop looking at him. He looks like a different person, the bruises upon his face, the scratches along his whole body. I reach up to his face, a cut that is still bleeding. He cringes at my touch, moving back. We're centimeters apart, but it seems like we're much closer than that. He looks at me one last time before pushing past me. I squint my eyes, deciding if I should go after him or not. I pull the door open just in time to see his figure take a right into the drug lockup. I follow him.
"Carter, let me suture that cut."
He looks at me, as if he knows something that I don't.
"I"ll have Susan do it."
I grab a suture kit from the cart in front of me. I hate him, but I somehow feel responsible for this.
"She's in trauma."
He gives me a look of defeat and follows me into the back room. I hadn't planned on having to do this. I hadn't planned for the awkward silence and the bitter stares. I hadn't wanted the storm to die out so painfully and destructively. I see him flinch as I run the needle through his skin. He refused narcotics for the pain, and I can't numb with anything else. My eyes meet him, so completely aware of the truths we're both hiding from each other. The destructive forces that haven't been seen yet. The worst of it all is still yet to come. I see so much in those brown eyes, as if my soul is being reflected back at me through them. This isn't what I want to feel. I have no control. I want to hate and despise him. Yet all I can do is fall deeper and deeper into his simple essence.
I look at the clock ticking the minutes of my pitiful existence away. I'm supposed to start my shift in another half hour, but I doubt that is going to happen. We haven't actually said a word to each other. He's just silently hiding all the pain he feels. I don't know how he found out, and I do not want to know. I just wish that he could somehow forgive me and we could move on. It seems like an impossibility right now, but I care so much for this man. More than I have ever for anyone else. I want this to work out. Before I was debating whether we could be together, whether we would be able to work out. And now I know we could have, if I hadn't fucked everything up. He comes back giving me a look, I shiver every time I think about what I have done to him. He sits down across from me, he distances himself every few minutes. The distance isn't going to make the pain lessen, believe me, I've tried.
"Zach?"
My voice is barely audible. I don't know what he thinks of me anymore. I'm scared to find out the truth, terrified to let the realization that I'm alone again echo through my mind.
"What do you want from me?"
He's furious. I've never heard him use this tone before. I scares me a bit.
"I never meant for it to happen."
He gives me a sarcastic smile, hiding all the emotions behind his blue-grey eyes. I don't think I've moved from the same spot on the sofa all day. I'm afraid that I make one wrong move it will be the end. So I sit silently and await condemnation.
"So I"m supposed to forgive you and pretend it never happened?"
I look down at the creme colored carpet floor. I blame myself. It's all my fault. It's always all my fault. I shouldn't have given in. I should have pushed him away. I still can't figure out why though. He seems to have a magnetic force that pulls me towards him, and no matter how hard I try, it never lets go. My life had been easy before, and suddenly it turned so complicated. Maybe that's why it happened. My life was too easy, it wasn't fair to the rest of the world. I don't know anymore. I feel like I'm a three year old being scolded for breaking a toy. A scolding wouldn't be so bad, because I know he would be doing it out of love. This is far from love, this is a broken love, and nothing will ever be able to fix it completely. I get up, slowly walking towards him. I sit down on the floor in front of him, kneeling down on my feet. I take his hands, which he reluctantly gives me. I cradle them with my own.
"Zach. I don't understand what happened. I don't want to make up excuses to give you. You mean..."
I take a deep breath, he's looking at me, but its far from over.
"You mean the world to me. It took a stupid mistake to realize I could loose you. I love you..."
He leans back into the sofa, rolling his eyes at me.
"Same thing you said to him right?"
Goddamn it. I swear I had cried all the tears I had left before. They keep on coming back. I had never felt the twinge of rejection as much as I did at that moment. I let his hands go, covering my face with them, not letting him see me cry. I bury my head into my lap. I can't keep doing this. I just can't keep doing this. I need to break away, move somewhere far where no one knows me and I can fashion a new life. Something small and simple. I want this hell to be over. I can't breath, my tears overbear my breathing, leaving me gasping for air. Slowly crying myself to death isn't a bad way to go. I feel my body shaking in-between coughs. I'm mentally dead, the only thing that keeps me going is this still-beating heart. I feel his hands skim over my body, testing territory. My body is soon lifted, safe and protected in his arms again. I cherish the moment because I have a feeling it will be my last. I feel him set me down on soft leather, the sofa. He sits down a few inches away, running his fingers over my face. He's teasing me, letting me know what a good thing I had. He pulls me in closer towards him, I can feel his labored breathing. I can't bring myself to look at him. I want to remember the good times, not the bad, especially not right now.
"Hey... Hey... We've been through worse right? It'll take time.. We're gonna be okay..."
I close my eyes, digging my head into his chest, letting him hold me. I just want to be held, nothing more. I love this man. I never realized it until right now. He's everything I want and need. He still kept me, still loved me after a place where many would have left. I don't know why I went searching for more when the best thing was right in front of me all the while. I start to breath normally again, the coughing suppressed. I look at him, his eyes sparkle with newly-shed tears. I wrap my arms around his neck, bringing my lips up near his ear.
"I"m so sorry... I love you.. Please... You're the only good thing in my life... I really need something to hold on to..."
He holds me even tighter, this feels so right.
"I'm not going anywhere, I promise."
Promises have been made before, and have been broken before. I have a feeling that this promise will stay true. He'd do anything for me, I know as much. I never knew what being loved felt like, but now I know. I know that Carter could never make me feel this way. Maybe before, but not now. He's a scar upon me, a meaningless time. He broke every single promise he ever made, ran away when I needed him most, he didn't let me in, didn't let me need him. I need to forget him. I always go back to thinking of him, as if he's a comparison to everyone else I've ever been with. No. I need to stop. I rest in Zach's arms for a few minutes longer.
"Can we talk tonight?"
He looks at me, nodding his head.
"I'd like that."
I kiss him on the cheek, he forces a smile. It's going to take time, I know that. I doubt he will ever fully trust me again. I don't care as long as I still have him in my life. If I didn't, I would probably be somewhere on the cold ceramic bathroom floor, sick to my stomach from wanting to drink the memories away. I'm strong than that now. I can move on without it. And without him. I force myself away from him. I'm already an hour late for my shift. I walk into the bathroom, splashing cold water across my face to get rid of the redness across my cheeks. I shouldn't go in today. I could probably kill someone with my hands still shaking like they are. I can't stay home either. He needs his time apart from me. I don't blame him. I take my purse and keys, and head out the door. Zach is oblivious to my leaving. I hope to god it will get better.
The ride to the hospital on the L seems faster than I remember it. Maybe because I'm behind rush hour. I get to the ambulance bay and Susan is standing out. I walk up closer to her and she's fidgeting, moving from one foot to the other.
"Your late."
She snaps the comment at me, I bite my bottom lip. I don't know what's wrong, so I'm not going to say anything to her just yet. She usually doesn't snap at people, or yell at them for an reason.
"Susan? Are you okay?"
She nods her head, but I know something is wrong. I need to push and pry a bit with her.
"Susan... Come on? What are friends for?"
She shrugs her shoulders, I think I've just gained access.
"It's Carter."
I restrain myself from wishing him dead, and roll my eyes instead. She shoots me a dirty look, and I stop.
"What happened? He break your heart?"
She gives me another look, I'm trying to cheer her up. It's not working. It can't be that serious because the altar hasn't been set up, and I don't see millions of devoted fans lining up outside the bay doors holding a candlelight vigil.
"He has a broken cheekbone along with some cuts and bruises."
I take a deep breathe. My heart is suddenly pounding.
"But he's okay right?"
She nods her head.
"Physically he's okay. I'm just worried about him."
I take a deep breath, wishing I had stayed home more every second. The ambulance sirens are heard as the pull up in front of us. Susan takes the trauma, and I head in after her, to drop off my purse and get to work. I wonder what happened to Carter. Not that I care. He deserved it. I wonder what kind of predicament he got himself into. I walk into the lounge, and straight into him. I stop breathing for a short while, the tension evident, along with the fear and frustration. I can't stop looking at him. He looks like a different person, the bruises upon his face, the scratches along his whole body. I reach up to his face, a cut that is still bleeding. He cringes at my touch, moving back. We're centimeters apart, but it seems like we're much closer than that. He looks at me one last time before pushing past me. I squint my eyes, deciding if I should go after him or not. I pull the door open just in time to see his figure take a right into the drug lockup. I follow him.
"Carter, let me suture that cut."
He looks at me, as if he knows something that I don't.
"I"ll have Susan do it."
I grab a suture kit from the cart in front of me. I hate him, but I somehow feel responsible for this.
"She's in trauma."
He gives me a look of defeat and follows me into the back room. I hadn't planned on having to do this. I hadn't planned for the awkward silence and the bitter stares. I hadn't wanted the storm to die out so painfully and destructively. I see him flinch as I run the needle through his skin. He refused narcotics for the pain, and I can't numb with anything else. My eyes meet him, so completely aware of the truths we're both hiding from each other. The destructive forces that haven't been seen yet. The worst of it all is still yet to come. I see so much in those brown eyes, as if my soul is being reflected back at me through them. This isn't what I want to feel. I have no control. I want to hate and despise him. Yet all I can do is fall deeper and deeper into his simple essence.