THE JUDAS GOAT
By D.M. Evans
Disclaimer - All characters within are owned by Joss Whedon. I'm just
dusting them off for a turn around the dance floor.
Rating - PG-13
Summary - Lilah and Wesley examine their relationship and their lives
Spoilers - None set between Tomorrow and Deep Down
Author's Note - Thanks to SJ and Chris for editing this and bouncing ideas
off of me
Dedication - To Rain. Here's wishing for health and happiness for you
Wes stumbled over something soft on his bleary-eyed trip to the loo, cursing whatever it was that nearly made him break his neck .He didn't remember setting his alarm clock since he had no reason to get up. It wasn't like he worked for Angel Investigations any more, not like he worked at all. After taking care of business, Wes realized he had Lilah's lavender silk panties caught around his foot. Death by panties, not something he wanted carved on his headstone. He unhooked them from his foot and couldn't resist a quick sniff at the soft fabric.
Wes wasn't surprised to see her up and out of bed already, slyly looking through the notebooks on his desk in the other room. He wasn't an idiot. Wes understood half the reason Lilah seduced him. She wanted to know if he knew where to find Angel and wasn't telling him. She wouldn't find the answers in those notebooks any more than he'd easily understand the other half of the reason Lilah hadn't dumped him as a bad source and moved on. He tossed the panties on the bed and went out to join her. "Morning."
She whipped around, trying not to look guilty. "Didn't expect you to get up, too." She smiled.
"I don't think anyone could sleep through that alarm," he said, not greeting her with a warm kiss. She wouldn't expect it and probably wouldn't know what to do if he had tried. He realized she must have set his alarm because it was still a work day for her. "I'm done in the bathroom if you need it. Your panties are back on the bed."
Lilah just raised an eyebrow and headed back into the bedroom. Wesley took a quick look at the notebooks she had disturbed before heading into the kitchen to start the kettle. There was nothing in the books she could use against him. He didn't know where Angel was, or Cordelia for that matter. He had nothing Wolfram and Hart wanted, except maybe his arcane knowledge. Lilah had certain plied him with various temptations to get him to sign on with them. He wasn't sure why he hadn't.
No, that was a lie and he knew it. He still wasn't ready to give up being a good man, not entirely but he didn't know why he was hanging on. His father had always said he'd come to no good. The Slayers had never even bothered to listen to him. The Watchers had cast him out. And now the people who meant the most to him had turned on him. Wesley understood why but it didn't mean it didn't hurt.
Lilah reappeared quickly and picked up her briefcase. She waved at him. "See you after work, lover."
"Maybe," he said knowing she'd be back and he would be upset if she weren't despite the coolness they displayed toward one another. Lilah headed out, back to her place first since he wouldn't let her keep clothing in his apartment. He knew he was being a real plonker and part of him cared. As much as he tried, he couldn't kill the part of him that cared. Lilah accused him of losing his soul. Maybe she was right but not entirely.
If he had, he wouldn't care if his friends knew about him and Lilah. But he did care. He wouldn't go out with her to restaurants or the theater or anywhere they might be seen as a couple just in case it got back to Fred that he was sleeping with Lilah. He knew Fred had made her choice and he had made his. The truly perverse part of it was, he did care about Lilah. He wanted to pretend she was nothing but a play toy that he didn't care much about but it wasn't true.
What had started as a way to drown in his own misery, to sink to Cocytus, the lowest, icy level of hell, had become something more. He belonged there in the ninth level, frozen by the wind from Satan's wings. Cocytus was where the betrayers went and Wesley had been ready to accept that punishment for what he had done. He shouldn't have been surprised that someone from Wolfram and Hart was waiting there in hell for him. What did surprise Wesley was that Lilah seemed to care about him beyond the physical. They both enjoyed the bedroom games they played but it was something more. He could see it in her eyes, in the way her mouth would pinch with pain when he said something cruel to let her know that she wasn't going to win him over to her side, to run her down and let her know he was using her to punish himself.
Her pain had had its effect. The harshness had abated somewhat. He felt guilty about not acting more like a boyfriend. He wanted to take her places but was too conflicted to do it. He had never really had love in his life. His parents had been distant at best. The inappropriate courtship of Cordelia back in Sunnydale, had been just that, inappropriate and the closeness they shared afterwards had been that of mere friendship. He hadn't been in love with her. Virginia had come the closest to being love and that had begun with a lie and ended with her fear. He had lost the only woman to ever give him a chance and he had to put on a brave face and pretend it didn't hurt because he didn't know who he could talk to about it. Then came Fred and Wes knew he had never really had her. He hadn't been able to tell her he had feelings for her. He didn't know how and then Billy brought out the ugliness in him, ruining everything. He could barely look at Fred after that.
Enter Lilah, a woman he never wanted to love, a woman he feared he might actually be in love with. She had to feel something for him. He could sense it. She tried less often to woo him over to Wolfram and Hart and he doubted that it was because she knew it wouldn't work. He could see it in her eyes, she felt guilty about it. In turn, he tried little by little to get her to leave them. He didn't expect it to happen and he didn't know what would come next if she did. Maybe they'd leave L.A. That had appeal to him, put distance between himself and his ex-friends. He only wished he knew why he hadn't done it already.
Wes made himself some tea and passed on breakfast. He didn't think he could eat. He headed out, knowing why he hadn't left the city. Part of him wanted to make it up to his friends, even though he knew his betrayal couldn't be undone. Connor was gone and returned a grown young man. He could never give back Angel his infant son even if he knew where to find the vampire. In spite of himself, in spite of the lies he cast everywhere to anyone who would listen that he no longer cared, that he was done with Angel, done with Gunn and Fred and Lorne and Cordelia, in spite of it all, he still did care and hated himself for it.
He knew he had been played for a fool. He knew the prophecy he had believed in was false, that he had betrayed Angel for nothing and he knew that Lilah probably had a hand in it. He should hate her, not love her, so once again he had proof that he was the cosmic fool. Wesley knew why he hadn't trusted his friends when he was led to believe that Connor was in danger from his father. Beyond the fact that he had double checked with magic - a spell gone wrong, one would think he would know better by now - was that he knew first hand how hard it was to convince someone a father could hurt his own son. Wesley's mother had turned a deaf ear all his life to the mental and emotional abuse his father had heaped on him. No one had come to his rescue. Teachers didn't believe him; after all he had no marks to show them. Father had been too smart for that. Finally he had learned to endure in silence and he would not let the same thing happen to Connor.
He had fallen for the carefully constructed lie and yet, he couldn't find it in him to take his revenge on the person who had set him up. He wished he could tear Lilah out of his heart and cast her aside but she was ingrained in him now. She was all he had. That and his lonely search for the truth. Wesley knew Fred might welcome him back, if only as a friend. She had called once or twice to get his help to find Angel and Cordelia but he knew it would be awkward at best. Gunn didn't want him around and Lorne, well there was no help there.
So, he worked as secretly as he could, cultivating Lilah and her contacts as much as she was trying to do the same to him. Only, he thought he might be one up on her because he had turned up a lead, Justine. There was someone he could easily put all the blame on, take his revenge. He owed her. Wesley reasoned if anyone might know where Angel and Cordelia were it was Justine and Holtz.
And he found her right where his source said she hung out, the Venice Boardwalk. She was supposed to be there day and night, clearing the place of vampires at night. He could only imagine what she did in the day. Actually he wondered why she was still in the city. If he were her, he'd be gone. Wes theorized that whatever it was that happened to Angel she and Holtz must need to stay in town to make sure Angel didn't return. It was the only hope he had that Angel wasn't dust.
What Wesley hadn't guessed at was who Justine was keeping company with. Holtz was nowhere to be seen. When he found her, Justine was on the beach watching a guy, surrounded by fire, juggling chainsaws. Studying the spectacle with keen interest while sharing Justine's cotton candy was Connor. Intrigued by the implications, Wesley tried to blend into the crowd and spy on them the best he could. There was a lot he needed to understand about this.
*
*
* When did life get so out of control? Lilah knew her head wasn't in the game and at Wolfram and Hart it could cost her said body part. She had come to work late and left early. Her thoughts should have been on how to find Angel or how they could work around the hole his absence created. She wished the Senior Partners would trust her with why the vampire was so damn important in their planned apocalypse.
Instead her head had been full of thoughts of Wesley. She didn't know when he had gone from someone to play for information to someone she actually cared about. She didn't think she could even feel this way about anyone and she hated it. It was a weakness she didn't need. She thought she had rid herself of those trappings of humanity. She had told Angel as much when he told her if she kept her 'game face' for too much longer she could never take it off. It was too late for taking off her 'game face.' It was the only visage she had left until Wesley had found a chink in her armor. Did he even know he had done it? She thought maybe he did.
A lick of music ran through her mind, a song from another time. You took my heart, then you took my pride away. I hate myself for loving you; a little Joan Jett to take her back to a time when she could still remember being carefree before her mother's dementia set in. Funny, she had started with Wolfram and Hart so her mother could get the best of care, a woman who no longer remembered her when she saw her. Lindsey had done it to escape the poverty he grew up in. Lilah didn't know why Gavin had signed on. He wasn't interesting enough for her to even do some digging. She missed Lindsey. He had been a worthy foe.
But with him gone, Lilah had had big plans for herself. She still did. Certainly, there was something of a glass ceiling for women at Wolfram and Hart but that was true of just about anywhere. She had every intention of using all the power at her disposal. Her mother's care was a done deal. It was no longer about her. Lilah didn't know if she could live without the adrenaline that made her body quiver and tingle, the fear that gave her an edge, the challenge of being at the top in a place like the firm. It was only a matter of time before she ruled the place, answering to no one but the Senior Partners.
However, it wasn't going to happen if she couldn't concentrate. She had to keep reminding herself she was only with Wesley until he led her to Angel. She needed him back lest the Senior Partners decided they needed someone else in charge. They wanted Wesley, too, if she could deliver him. A rogue Watcher could be very useful given their training. He was the icing on the cake. But Lilah felt a strange twist in her gut whenever she tried to get him to sign on, every time she hunted through his belongings to see if he was holding out on her. He brought out little glittery bits of humanity in her and she knew she should hate him for it, only she didn't.
On days like today, she thought about Lindsey and how he escaped. She allowed herself a little fantasy that she could get away, too, but she had a contract that wouldn't let her get very far. Would Wes even want to run off with her? She couldn't see why not. What held him to this place? His friends had turned on him. If he someone did find Angel for her, the vampire was likely to kill him. Maybe that's what he wanted. He had the air of nothing left to live for. Lilah understood that feeling. What really did she have? A great apartment, a cool car, money, all superficial garbage to distract her from the emptiness in her life, the hollowness inside her that nothing could fill, not all the trappings, not perpetual care for her mother, not even love.
Love was too scary. It made people do stupid things. Lindsey let his love for Darla destroy him. Who even knew where he was hiding out? She was still stunned Wolfram and Hart had let him go. Of course, it was entirely possible they hadn't. He could be rotting in a ditch on some lonely bit of desert highway for all she knew. The Senior Partners liked to make examples of people but of course they would always take pains to let their people see the examples. If she didn't squeeze Wesley out of her life, she'd be the next example. She could feel it and the sheer danger of it was thrilling.
If she left with or without Wesley, Lilah had no idea where she'd go or what she'd do? The truth was, outside of the paperwork and the occasional fearing for her life, she liked working with Wolfram and Hart. She didn't care who she stepped on so long as she was the one on top. Wesley was enough to make her reconsider that but only briefly. Outside of the firm, she would be a nobody. Every law firm in the country would wonder why she left such a prestigious firm and would assume she was either incompetent, difficult to work with or she had slept her way to the top and gotten dumped because she was getting older, or a little of all three.
Lilah didn't like the unknown but she didn't fear it either. If she left Wolfram and Hart, she would land on her feet. Of course, leaving wasn't an option, not really. She had to find Angel. That meant far more to the Senior Partners than turning Wesley. The ex-Watcher was the sprinkles on the sundae; Angel was the ice cream, hot fudge and the whipped cream. Her bosses were getting more and more demanding over finding the lost vampire. Luckily for her, Linwood was her shield. She had no illusions about him tossing her to the wolves if need be. She had her own plans for handling him.
As she headed into the Circle Bar in Santa Monica, trying to dissolve this little bout of humanity in alcohol. She could be a real white wine, fluffy woman's drink kind of girl but there were times when she needed to really drink, let it all slip away. She watched Wes drink his dark beers thinking, 'how could I fall for someone so... well, ordinary.' Meanwhile, she'd be knocking back Four Horsemen's. That blended shot of Tennessee whiskey, Bourbon whiskey, Scotch and tequila could make anything all right real quick. Maybe Wes had his 'I Need to Get Drunk' drink and she just hadn't seen it yet. Lindsey's was the Depths of Hell. She remembered seeing him shoot back the shot of 151 rum mixed with wasabi and tabasco and wonder how the little bastard didn't fall over dead. They must teach them how to drink in Podunk Nowhere, where Lindsey grew up.
For Lilah, this was a Four Horsemen night. She had done something very risky. If it backfired, the four horsemen might actually come for her. She almost left the bar after just one shot when she saw Justine come in. The girl didn't see her but Lilah hadn't expected her to. Of course, Lilah half expected Justine to be dead. She had paid someone to play informant to Wesley. Lilah knew serving Justine up as a Judas Goat was chancy at best. If the Senior Partners thought she hadn't exploited a resource herself, or worse, lost it, she could end up dead. Lilah knew Wesley might kill the girl. She wanted him to have that kind of fire. He had grown so glacial but giving him Holtz's little playmate might just melt Wesley. After all, Justine had turned him into the Judas Goat and sacrificed him without a qualm. Lilah didn't know if she were disappointed or proud that he hadn't killed her.
Of course, she had no way of knowing if Wes had actually found Justine yet. Venice Beach, Justine's new stomping ground, was big and crowded. Lilah didn't know why the girl was still around or how she was getting around Gunn and Fred to see Connor but she was managing it. Lilah's sources told her Justine hung out in the Circle Bar at night, sans Prophecy Boy. Lilah didn't doubt Connor was kept on a tight leash after hours by his keepers. She was still shocked the Senior Partners hadn't ordered his capture. They wanted him. She knew that much and what better time than when Angel was missing? Still, it wasn't up to her to question the Partners. Her projects were to find Angel and bring Wesley into the fold, not to worry about the bastard son of two vampires. Just as well, the kid gave her the heebie- jeebies.
She ordered another Four Horsemen and watched Justine. The girl didn't seem worried or hurried, just tense, on watch, no doubt for more vampires. Lilah suspected if Justine was still around then so was Holtz. As far as she was concerned, they had to be prime suspects in Angel's disappearance. If anyone knew where the vampire was, it was Justine. Lilah knew Wesley would think along those lines and if he could restrain himself from dealing with Justine as she had dealt with him, they might actually find Angel. The Senior Partners would be off her back and things would be right with her world. She could then dump Wesley, make excuses to the Senior Partners about how he'd never come around, and get back to being herself.
Only she feared herself had changed, mutated into someone who could love. With the third shot she convinced herself she could have both Wolfram and Hart and Wesley It didn't have to be one or the other. After the fourth shot, she decided to push him harder in Justine's direction, to learn what she might know and after the fifth, not really sure how she was even moving, Lilah got up, called a cab and went shopping.
Wes wasn't surprised to see her at the door when he opened it but he seemed a little shocked that she was far from sober. She grabbed him around the shoulders, her shopping bag thumping into him as her hungry mouth found his. Lilah planted him down on the couch.
"Did you have a good day?" she asked.
"It was...informative," he said.
She smiled and took out what she had in the bag, a heavy duty leather collar with bright silver rings and a leather paddle embossed with blue flames. His eyes widened as she kissed the scar on his neck then slapped the collar on him. "This might be, too."
He fingered the rings, not seeming the least bit afraid. "Where did you get this?"
"A little shop I know. They sell all sorts of fun restraining devices," she assured him, knowing he wasn't thinking entirely of her. That was okay. If he wanted to grab up Justine and hold her in something like this, more power to him if it turned up Angel. It was why she brought the stuff home, that and the fact she didn't mind a little kinky play and suspected he didn't either. He just smiled when she looped a finger through the rings and led him into the bedroom.
*
*
*
Lilah didn't know why Wesley had been slow to act on the information she had leaked to him. She knew he was well aware of her part in him coming by Justine's location and that he had to know if Wolfram and Hart found out they would serve her up as the sacrificial lamb and invite her colleagues in to take note of her bad example. Maybe her lover wasn't ready to divest himself of that last shred of soul that was plaguing him and keeping him from hurting Justine or putting Lilah in danger, or maybe he was just that cautious, not trusting her or Wolfram and Hart or maybe he just needed time to arrange for a place to keep Justine.
Lilah was betting on all three. Wes was capable of surprising her, however like keeping Justine in his place. He hadn't told her about it - obviously there was only so far he'd trust her - she knew where the girl was being kept. What did it say about her that the idea of Justine being caged off of Wesley's bedroom had made her so hot last night? What did it say about him?
Lilah didn't care. The deed was done. She had given him Justine. There was no going back. All she could do was think of a way to spin it, if it blew up in her face. Did Wesley know she kept watch on him and his business? Maybe, which is why he bought most of the stuff for sound proofing, caging and magical components for imprisoning spells with cash, only he didn't know she had had it spelled so it could be tracked like credit cards. Wesley was cautious though and that was one of the things she found so charming about him.
She didn't want to think about the things she found charming in Wesley. They were distracting her from her job but she knew that she was only kidding herself if she thought Wes was just a job. She wouldn't have risked as much as she had if she didn't care. Lilah only wished she knew what it was that spoke to her. Maybe it was his profound loneliness. He was cut off from friends and family, totally adrift. It was why Wolfram and Hart had selected him and sent her after him. Lilah understood that loneliness. Lindsey had as well. It was probably the only reason she and he ever could stand to work together. They had that in common and both would have denied it to the grave. It was the same with her and Wes. All she had to do was accept it.
Lilah tossed the gloomy thoughts out. She had no time for them. They led down the garden path to self-doubt and destruction. She was too strong for that. She intended to enjoy this man she had gained a little control over, just enough to make him taste sweet. She fingered the bruises she had left on his shoulders when he had taken her up against the door that concealed Justine. Wes shifted and smiled at her. Lilah treasured that as all too often he looked angry at her for being there, at himself for wanting her there. "Mornin', lover. Want me to blow off work today and we can do something fun?" She grinned, faking it. She didn't know why she did it. He always said no as if afraid to be seen with her. She had no such qualms. Her partners already knew she was with him. She had nothing to lose. He did.
"What would you like to do?" He ran a hand up her arm.
Lilah's eyes widened ever so slightly. She hadn't expected him to even consider it. "Something romantic?"
"That's better left for tonight and take off tomorrow," he suggested.
Something had changed. Maybe it was finally having a solid clue, a chance to save his precious Angel, a chance to redeem himself in the eyes of his friends, a chance to avenge himself on Justine, whatever. Lilah didn't care. "Any suggestions?"
He smiled. "Surprise me."
"Don't doubt I will."
*
*
*
Wesley didn't know why he had said yes to Lilah other than he wanted it. He deserved it and no matter what she planned, Wes knew Gunn and Fred would never find out about it. They didn't travel in Lilah's circles. They couldn't afford to. Neither could he. Letting his woman pay for everything added another layer of loathing to the trifle that was his current life. He savored it.
He had given Justine enough food and water to last four days, two more than he expected to be gone, threatened her some more, tried to get her to tell him where Angel was, got told to go to hell and he left. He didn't even care if she died. Lilah would help him cover it up and then Wolfram and Hart would own him and all the worrying could end.
Wes discovered he should have allowed Lilah to pick places for them to go out long before now. He had heard how wonderful Yamashiro was and the utter romance of it sucked him in. He had only ever felt like this once before with Virginia, his other relationship built on a lie. Dinner tonight was one of the things he knew came as a benefit of Lilah working for Wolfram and Hart . She had gotten right in and into the Japanese Garden court inside the hilltop pagoda restaurant. Soft live music, plants that whispered 'you are in the mystic Orient,' warm lighting and a woman he wanted to be with made it feel so right even though he knew it was wrong. He could only imagine his fall if his former friends found out.
So he pushed them out of mind and concentrated on the last of the dulce con leche cheesecake he was sharing with Lilah. It was hard to stuff it down after all the sushi, including a fantastic dragon roll and the wonderful shoyu-glazed sea bass he had had; Lilah opting for the grilled saffron seafood. They polished off the last of their Ginju sake. Lilah sat back, a satisfied look on her face.
"Anyone thinking this much food might slow us down tonight?" Lilah primped her hair.
"Nothing a good walk couldn't help," he replied.
The walk around Hollywood at night, just being carefree like a tourist, was more replenishing than Wesley anticipated then they took the private plane Lilah had chartered and headed to Yucca Valley. She drove the rental car to the hotel.
Wes raised an eyebrow. "Oasis of Eden inn?"
"Theme rooms," Lilah purred.
Wes couldn't have been more shocked if his old school buddies had just shown up to perform a nude version of Hamlet than he was when he saw the room Lilah had reserved. He would have pegged her as the Grecian Suite or Plantation Suite kind of girl, maybe even New York, New York. He never expected the cave room. The bed, spa and other amenities were hidden in amongst realistic stalactite and stalagmites. He didn't quite know what to make of it.
"I'm almost afraid to know what you're planning," he said, wandering around looking up at the surrealistic ceiling.
Lilah bore him back against the round "rock formation" bed. "You'll love it." She kissed him. "Tonight just me and you." She kissed him again. "And tomorrow we go hiking in Joshua Tree National Park."
His eyebrows cocked up again. "Now I understand why you insisted on hiking boots and blue jeans for the trip."
She pressed her lips against his scar and he hated that it pleased him when she called attention to his badge of dishonor. "Just me and you in the desert, no Wolfram and Hart, no friends who toss you out in the cold, no vampires. Just us and no distractions."
Wes kissed her this time, slowly undoing her silk dress. "Sounds wonderful."
And it did. How appropriate was it that he shed his last vestiges of goodness, traded her his soul in the Oasis of Eden? The betrayal was complete. The sacrificial knife would eventually fall but for now he was more content than he had ever been in his troubled life. Maybe it was Eden after all.
AN- Some of Wesley's motivation for taking Connor are thanks to speculation on his character by Chris G-D AN- A lot of the places mentioned here are quite real and very neat. Check them out. Joshua Tree National Park - Oasis of Eden Inn and Suites - (Complete with picture of the cave room) Yamashiro - ?
Wes stumbled over something soft on his bleary-eyed trip to the loo, cursing whatever it was that nearly made him break his neck .He didn't remember setting his alarm clock since he had no reason to get up. It wasn't like he worked for Angel Investigations any more, not like he worked at all. After taking care of business, Wes realized he had Lilah's lavender silk panties caught around his foot. Death by panties, not something he wanted carved on his headstone. He unhooked them from his foot and couldn't resist a quick sniff at the soft fabric.
Wes wasn't surprised to see her up and out of bed already, slyly looking through the notebooks on his desk in the other room. He wasn't an idiot. Wes understood half the reason Lilah seduced him. She wanted to know if he knew where to find Angel and wasn't telling him. She wouldn't find the answers in those notebooks any more than he'd easily understand the other half of the reason Lilah hadn't dumped him as a bad source and moved on. He tossed the panties on the bed and went out to join her. "Morning."
She whipped around, trying not to look guilty. "Didn't expect you to get up, too." She smiled.
"I don't think anyone could sleep through that alarm," he said, not greeting her with a warm kiss. She wouldn't expect it and probably wouldn't know what to do if he had tried. He realized she must have set his alarm because it was still a work day for her. "I'm done in the bathroom if you need it. Your panties are back on the bed."
Lilah just raised an eyebrow and headed back into the bedroom. Wesley took a quick look at the notebooks she had disturbed before heading into the kitchen to start the kettle. There was nothing in the books she could use against him. He didn't know where Angel was, or Cordelia for that matter. He had nothing Wolfram and Hart wanted, except maybe his arcane knowledge. Lilah had certain plied him with various temptations to get him to sign on with them. He wasn't sure why he hadn't.
No, that was a lie and he knew it. He still wasn't ready to give up being a good man, not entirely but he didn't know why he was hanging on. His father had always said he'd come to no good. The Slayers had never even bothered to listen to him. The Watchers had cast him out. And now the people who meant the most to him had turned on him. Wesley understood why but it didn't mean it didn't hurt.
Lilah reappeared quickly and picked up her briefcase. She waved at him. "See you after work, lover."
"Maybe," he said knowing she'd be back and he would be upset if she weren't despite the coolness they displayed toward one another. Lilah headed out, back to her place first since he wouldn't let her keep clothing in his apartment. He knew he was being a real plonker and part of him cared. As much as he tried, he couldn't kill the part of him that cared. Lilah accused him of losing his soul. Maybe she was right but not entirely.
If he had, he wouldn't care if his friends knew about him and Lilah. But he did care. He wouldn't go out with her to restaurants or the theater or anywhere they might be seen as a couple just in case it got back to Fred that he was sleeping with Lilah. He knew Fred had made her choice and he had made his. The truly perverse part of it was, he did care about Lilah. He wanted to pretend she was nothing but a play toy that he didn't care much about but it wasn't true.
What had started as a way to drown in his own misery, to sink to Cocytus, the lowest, icy level of hell, had become something more. He belonged there in the ninth level, frozen by the wind from Satan's wings. Cocytus was where the betrayers went and Wesley had been ready to accept that punishment for what he had done. He shouldn't have been surprised that someone from Wolfram and Hart was waiting there in hell for him. What did surprise Wesley was that Lilah seemed to care about him beyond the physical. They both enjoyed the bedroom games they played but it was something more. He could see it in her eyes, in the way her mouth would pinch with pain when he said something cruel to let her know that she wasn't going to win him over to her side, to run her down and let her know he was using her to punish himself.
Her pain had had its effect. The harshness had abated somewhat. He felt guilty about not acting more like a boyfriend. He wanted to take her places but was too conflicted to do it. He had never really had love in his life. His parents had been distant at best. The inappropriate courtship of Cordelia back in Sunnydale, had been just that, inappropriate and the closeness they shared afterwards had been that of mere friendship. He hadn't been in love with her. Virginia had come the closest to being love and that had begun with a lie and ended with her fear. He had lost the only woman to ever give him a chance and he had to put on a brave face and pretend it didn't hurt because he didn't know who he could talk to about it. Then came Fred and Wes knew he had never really had her. He hadn't been able to tell her he had feelings for her. He didn't know how and then Billy brought out the ugliness in him, ruining everything. He could barely look at Fred after that.
Enter Lilah, a woman he never wanted to love, a woman he feared he might actually be in love with. She had to feel something for him. He could sense it. She tried less often to woo him over to Wolfram and Hart and he doubted that it was because she knew it wouldn't work. He could see it in her eyes, she felt guilty about it. In turn, he tried little by little to get her to leave them. He didn't expect it to happen and he didn't know what would come next if she did. Maybe they'd leave L.A. That had appeal to him, put distance between himself and his ex-friends. He only wished he knew why he hadn't done it already.
Wes made himself some tea and passed on breakfast. He didn't think he could eat. He headed out, knowing why he hadn't left the city. Part of him wanted to make it up to his friends, even though he knew his betrayal couldn't be undone. Connor was gone and returned a grown young man. He could never give back Angel his infant son even if he knew where to find the vampire. In spite of himself, in spite of the lies he cast everywhere to anyone who would listen that he no longer cared, that he was done with Angel, done with Gunn and Fred and Lorne and Cordelia, in spite of it all, he still did care and hated himself for it.
He knew he had been played for a fool. He knew the prophecy he had believed in was false, that he had betrayed Angel for nothing and he knew that Lilah probably had a hand in it. He should hate her, not love her, so once again he had proof that he was the cosmic fool. Wesley knew why he hadn't trusted his friends when he was led to believe that Connor was in danger from his father. Beyond the fact that he had double checked with magic - a spell gone wrong, one would think he would know better by now - was that he knew first hand how hard it was to convince someone a father could hurt his own son. Wesley's mother had turned a deaf ear all his life to the mental and emotional abuse his father had heaped on him. No one had come to his rescue. Teachers didn't believe him; after all he had no marks to show them. Father had been too smart for that. Finally he had learned to endure in silence and he would not let the same thing happen to Connor.
He had fallen for the carefully constructed lie and yet, he couldn't find it in him to take his revenge on the person who had set him up. He wished he could tear Lilah out of his heart and cast her aside but she was ingrained in him now. She was all he had. That and his lonely search for the truth. Wesley knew Fred might welcome him back, if only as a friend. She had called once or twice to get his help to find Angel and Cordelia but he knew it would be awkward at best. Gunn didn't want him around and Lorne, well there was no help there.
So, he worked as secretly as he could, cultivating Lilah and her contacts as much as she was trying to do the same to him. Only, he thought he might be one up on her because he had turned up a lead, Justine. There was someone he could easily put all the blame on, take his revenge. He owed her. Wesley reasoned if anyone might know where Angel and Cordelia were it was Justine and Holtz.
And he found her right where his source said she hung out, the Venice Boardwalk. She was supposed to be there day and night, clearing the place of vampires at night. He could only imagine what she did in the day. Actually he wondered why she was still in the city. If he were her, he'd be gone. Wes theorized that whatever it was that happened to Angel she and Holtz must need to stay in town to make sure Angel didn't return. It was the only hope he had that Angel wasn't dust.
What Wesley hadn't guessed at was who Justine was keeping company with. Holtz was nowhere to be seen. When he found her, Justine was on the beach watching a guy, surrounded by fire, juggling chainsaws. Studying the spectacle with keen interest while sharing Justine's cotton candy was Connor. Intrigued by the implications, Wesley tried to blend into the crowd and spy on them the best he could. There was a lot he needed to understand about this.
*
*
* When did life get so out of control? Lilah knew her head wasn't in the game and at Wolfram and Hart it could cost her said body part. She had come to work late and left early. Her thoughts should have been on how to find Angel or how they could work around the hole his absence created. She wished the Senior Partners would trust her with why the vampire was so damn important in their planned apocalypse.
Instead her head had been full of thoughts of Wesley. She didn't know when he had gone from someone to play for information to someone she actually cared about. She didn't think she could even feel this way about anyone and she hated it. It was a weakness she didn't need. She thought she had rid herself of those trappings of humanity. She had told Angel as much when he told her if she kept her 'game face' for too much longer she could never take it off. It was too late for taking off her 'game face.' It was the only visage she had left until Wesley had found a chink in her armor. Did he even know he had done it? She thought maybe he did.
A lick of music ran through her mind, a song from another time. You took my heart, then you took my pride away. I hate myself for loving you; a little Joan Jett to take her back to a time when she could still remember being carefree before her mother's dementia set in. Funny, she had started with Wolfram and Hart so her mother could get the best of care, a woman who no longer remembered her when she saw her. Lindsey had done it to escape the poverty he grew up in. Lilah didn't know why Gavin had signed on. He wasn't interesting enough for her to even do some digging. She missed Lindsey. He had been a worthy foe.
But with him gone, Lilah had had big plans for herself. She still did. Certainly, there was something of a glass ceiling for women at Wolfram and Hart but that was true of just about anywhere. She had every intention of using all the power at her disposal. Her mother's care was a done deal. It was no longer about her. Lilah didn't know if she could live without the adrenaline that made her body quiver and tingle, the fear that gave her an edge, the challenge of being at the top in a place like the firm. It was only a matter of time before she ruled the place, answering to no one but the Senior Partners.
However, it wasn't going to happen if she couldn't concentrate. She had to keep reminding herself she was only with Wesley until he led her to Angel. She needed him back lest the Senior Partners decided they needed someone else in charge. They wanted Wesley, too, if she could deliver him. A rogue Watcher could be very useful given their training. He was the icing on the cake. But Lilah felt a strange twist in her gut whenever she tried to get him to sign on, every time she hunted through his belongings to see if he was holding out on her. He brought out little glittery bits of humanity in her and she knew she should hate him for it, only she didn't.
On days like today, she thought about Lindsey and how he escaped. She allowed herself a little fantasy that she could get away, too, but she had a contract that wouldn't let her get very far. Would Wes even want to run off with her? She couldn't see why not. What held him to this place? His friends had turned on him. If he someone did find Angel for her, the vampire was likely to kill him. Maybe that's what he wanted. He had the air of nothing left to live for. Lilah understood that feeling. What really did she have? A great apartment, a cool car, money, all superficial garbage to distract her from the emptiness in her life, the hollowness inside her that nothing could fill, not all the trappings, not perpetual care for her mother, not even love.
Love was too scary. It made people do stupid things. Lindsey let his love for Darla destroy him. Who even knew where he was hiding out? She was still stunned Wolfram and Hart had let him go. Of course, it was entirely possible they hadn't. He could be rotting in a ditch on some lonely bit of desert highway for all she knew. The Senior Partners liked to make examples of people but of course they would always take pains to let their people see the examples. If she didn't squeeze Wesley out of her life, she'd be the next example. She could feel it and the sheer danger of it was thrilling.
If she left with or without Wesley, Lilah had no idea where she'd go or what she'd do? The truth was, outside of the paperwork and the occasional fearing for her life, she liked working with Wolfram and Hart. She didn't care who she stepped on so long as she was the one on top. Wesley was enough to make her reconsider that but only briefly. Outside of the firm, she would be a nobody. Every law firm in the country would wonder why she left such a prestigious firm and would assume she was either incompetent, difficult to work with or she had slept her way to the top and gotten dumped because she was getting older, or a little of all three.
Lilah didn't like the unknown but she didn't fear it either. If she left Wolfram and Hart, she would land on her feet. Of course, leaving wasn't an option, not really. She had to find Angel. That meant far more to the Senior Partners than turning Wesley. The ex-Watcher was the sprinkles on the sundae; Angel was the ice cream, hot fudge and the whipped cream. Her bosses were getting more and more demanding over finding the lost vampire. Luckily for her, Linwood was her shield. She had no illusions about him tossing her to the wolves if need be. She had her own plans for handling him.
As she headed into the Circle Bar in Santa Monica, trying to dissolve this little bout of humanity in alcohol. She could be a real white wine, fluffy woman's drink kind of girl but there were times when she needed to really drink, let it all slip away. She watched Wes drink his dark beers thinking, 'how could I fall for someone so... well, ordinary.' Meanwhile, she'd be knocking back Four Horsemen's. That blended shot of Tennessee whiskey, Bourbon whiskey, Scotch and tequila could make anything all right real quick. Maybe Wes had his 'I Need to Get Drunk' drink and she just hadn't seen it yet. Lindsey's was the Depths of Hell. She remembered seeing him shoot back the shot of 151 rum mixed with wasabi and tabasco and wonder how the little bastard didn't fall over dead. They must teach them how to drink in Podunk Nowhere, where Lindsey grew up.
For Lilah, this was a Four Horsemen night. She had done something very risky. If it backfired, the four horsemen might actually come for her. She almost left the bar after just one shot when she saw Justine come in. The girl didn't see her but Lilah hadn't expected her to. Of course, Lilah half expected Justine to be dead. She had paid someone to play informant to Wesley. Lilah knew serving Justine up as a Judas Goat was chancy at best. If the Senior Partners thought she hadn't exploited a resource herself, or worse, lost it, she could end up dead. Lilah knew Wesley might kill the girl. She wanted him to have that kind of fire. He had grown so glacial but giving him Holtz's little playmate might just melt Wesley. After all, Justine had turned him into the Judas Goat and sacrificed him without a qualm. Lilah didn't know if she were disappointed or proud that he hadn't killed her.
Of course, she had no way of knowing if Wes had actually found Justine yet. Venice Beach, Justine's new stomping ground, was big and crowded. Lilah didn't know why the girl was still around or how she was getting around Gunn and Fred to see Connor but she was managing it. Lilah's sources told her Justine hung out in the Circle Bar at night, sans Prophecy Boy. Lilah didn't doubt Connor was kept on a tight leash after hours by his keepers. She was still shocked the Senior Partners hadn't ordered his capture. They wanted him. She knew that much and what better time than when Angel was missing? Still, it wasn't up to her to question the Partners. Her projects were to find Angel and bring Wesley into the fold, not to worry about the bastard son of two vampires. Just as well, the kid gave her the heebie- jeebies.
She ordered another Four Horsemen and watched Justine. The girl didn't seem worried or hurried, just tense, on watch, no doubt for more vampires. Lilah suspected if Justine was still around then so was Holtz. As far as she was concerned, they had to be prime suspects in Angel's disappearance. If anyone knew where the vampire was, it was Justine. Lilah knew Wesley would think along those lines and if he could restrain himself from dealing with Justine as she had dealt with him, they might actually find Angel. The Senior Partners would be off her back and things would be right with her world. She could then dump Wesley, make excuses to the Senior Partners about how he'd never come around, and get back to being herself.
Only she feared herself had changed, mutated into someone who could love. With the third shot she convinced herself she could have both Wolfram and Hart and Wesley It didn't have to be one or the other. After the fourth shot, she decided to push him harder in Justine's direction, to learn what she might know and after the fifth, not really sure how she was even moving, Lilah got up, called a cab and went shopping.
Wes wasn't surprised to see her at the door when he opened it but he seemed a little shocked that she was far from sober. She grabbed him around the shoulders, her shopping bag thumping into him as her hungry mouth found his. Lilah planted him down on the couch.
"Did you have a good day?" she asked.
"It was...informative," he said.
She smiled and took out what she had in the bag, a heavy duty leather collar with bright silver rings and a leather paddle embossed with blue flames. His eyes widened as she kissed the scar on his neck then slapped the collar on him. "This might be, too."
He fingered the rings, not seeming the least bit afraid. "Where did you get this?"
"A little shop I know. They sell all sorts of fun restraining devices," she assured him, knowing he wasn't thinking entirely of her. That was okay. If he wanted to grab up Justine and hold her in something like this, more power to him if it turned up Angel. It was why she brought the stuff home, that and the fact she didn't mind a little kinky play and suspected he didn't either. He just smiled when she looped a finger through the rings and led him into the bedroom.
*
*
*
Lilah didn't know why Wesley had been slow to act on the information she had leaked to him. She knew he was well aware of her part in him coming by Justine's location and that he had to know if Wolfram and Hart found out they would serve her up as the sacrificial lamb and invite her colleagues in to take note of her bad example. Maybe her lover wasn't ready to divest himself of that last shred of soul that was plaguing him and keeping him from hurting Justine or putting Lilah in danger, or maybe he was just that cautious, not trusting her or Wolfram and Hart or maybe he just needed time to arrange for a place to keep Justine.
Lilah was betting on all three. Wes was capable of surprising her, however like keeping Justine in his place. He hadn't told her about it - obviously there was only so far he'd trust her - she knew where the girl was being kept. What did it say about her that the idea of Justine being caged off of Wesley's bedroom had made her so hot last night? What did it say about him?
Lilah didn't care. The deed was done. She had given him Justine. There was no going back. All she could do was think of a way to spin it, if it blew up in her face. Did Wesley know she kept watch on him and his business? Maybe, which is why he bought most of the stuff for sound proofing, caging and magical components for imprisoning spells with cash, only he didn't know she had had it spelled so it could be tracked like credit cards. Wesley was cautious though and that was one of the things she found so charming about him.
She didn't want to think about the things she found charming in Wesley. They were distracting her from her job but she knew that she was only kidding herself if she thought Wes was just a job. She wouldn't have risked as much as she had if she didn't care. Lilah only wished she knew what it was that spoke to her. Maybe it was his profound loneliness. He was cut off from friends and family, totally adrift. It was why Wolfram and Hart had selected him and sent her after him. Lilah understood that loneliness. Lindsey had as well. It was probably the only reason she and he ever could stand to work together. They had that in common and both would have denied it to the grave. It was the same with her and Wes. All she had to do was accept it.
Lilah tossed the gloomy thoughts out. She had no time for them. They led down the garden path to self-doubt and destruction. She was too strong for that. She intended to enjoy this man she had gained a little control over, just enough to make him taste sweet. She fingered the bruises she had left on his shoulders when he had taken her up against the door that concealed Justine. Wes shifted and smiled at her. Lilah treasured that as all too often he looked angry at her for being there, at himself for wanting her there. "Mornin', lover. Want me to blow off work today and we can do something fun?" She grinned, faking it. She didn't know why she did it. He always said no as if afraid to be seen with her. She had no such qualms. Her partners already knew she was with him. She had nothing to lose. He did.
"What would you like to do?" He ran a hand up her arm.
Lilah's eyes widened ever so slightly. She hadn't expected him to even consider it. "Something romantic?"
"That's better left for tonight and take off tomorrow," he suggested.
Something had changed. Maybe it was finally having a solid clue, a chance to save his precious Angel, a chance to redeem himself in the eyes of his friends, a chance to avenge himself on Justine, whatever. Lilah didn't care. "Any suggestions?"
He smiled. "Surprise me."
"Don't doubt I will."
*
*
*
Wesley didn't know why he had said yes to Lilah other than he wanted it. He deserved it and no matter what she planned, Wes knew Gunn and Fred would never find out about it. They didn't travel in Lilah's circles. They couldn't afford to. Neither could he. Letting his woman pay for everything added another layer of loathing to the trifle that was his current life. He savored it.
He had given Justine enough food and water to last four days, two more than he expected to be gone, threatened her some more, tried to get her to tell him where Angel was, got told to go to hell and he left. He didn't even care if she died. Lilah would help him cover it up and then Wolfram and Hart would own him and all the worrying could end.
Wes discovered he should have allowed Lilah to pick places for them to go out long before now. He had heard how wonderful Yamashiro was and the utter romance of it sucked him in. He had only ever felt like this once before with Virginia, his other relationship built on a lie. Dinner tonight was one of the things he knew came as a benefit of Lilah working for Wolfram and Hart . She had gotten right in and into the Japanese Garden court inside the hilltop pagoda restaurant. Soft live music, plants that whispered 'you are in the mystic Orient,' warm lighting and a woman he wanted to be with made it feel so right even though he knew it was wrong. He could only imagine his fall if his former friends found out.
So he pushed them out of mind and concentrated on the last of the dulce con leche cheesecake he was sharing with Lilah. It was hard to stuff it down after all the sushi, including a fantastic dragon roll and the wonderful shoyu-glazed sea bass he had had; Lilah opting for the grilled saffron seafood. They polished off the last of their Ginju sake. Lilah sat back, a satisfied look on her face.
"Anyone thinking this much food might slow us down tonight?" Lilah primped her hair.
"Nothing a good walk couldn't help," he replied.
The walk around Hollywood at night, just being carefree like a tourist, was more replenishing than Wesley anticipated then they took the private plane Lilah had chartered and headed to Yucca Valley. She drove the rental car to the hotel.
Wes raised an eyebrow. "Oasis of Eden inn?"
"Theme rooms," Lilah purred.
Wes couldn't have been more shocked if his old school buddies had just shown up to perform a nude version of Hamlet than he was when he saw the room Lilah had reserved. He would have pegged her as the Grecian Suite or Plantation Suite kind of girl, maybe even New York, New York. He never expected the cave room. The bed, spa and other amenities were hidden in amongst realistic stalactite and stalagmites. He didn't quite know what to make of it.
"I'm almost afraid to know what you're planning," he said, wandering around looking up at the surrealistic ceiling.
Lilah bore him back against the round "rock formation" bed. "You'll love it." She kissed him. "Tonight just me and you." She kissed him again. "And tomorrow we go hiking in Joshua Tree National Park."
His eyebrows cocked up again. "Now I understand why you insisted on hiking boots and blue jeans for the trip."
She pressed her lips against his scar and he hated that it pleased him when she called attention to his badge of dishonor. "Just me and you in the desert, no Wolfram and Hart, no friends who toss you out in the cold, no vampires. Just us and no distractions."
Wes kissed her this time, slowly undoing her silk dress. "Sounds wonderful."
And it did. How appropriate was it that he shed his last vestiges of goodness, traded her his soul in the Oasis of Eden? The betrayal was complete. The sacrificial knife would eventually fall but for now he was more content than he had ever been in his troubled life. Maybe it was Eden after all.
AN- Some of Wesley's motivation for taking Connor are thanks to speculation on his character by Chris G-D AN- A lot of the places mentioned here are quite real and very neat. Check them out. Joshua Tree National Park - Oasis of Eden Inn and Suites - (Complete with picture of the cave room) Yamashiro - ?