Chapter Three: You Heard The Sexist Pig
That evening…
"Sexist pig! Sexist pig! Lord Frieza is a sexist pig!"
Feminisa and her followers were parading outside of Frieza's dining room, where Frieza was eating his dinner, chanting and waving signs in protest of the Miss Frieza Beauty Contest. Frieza was fervently trying to ignore them; Dr. Katsen, his regular physician, had advised him never to get upset during his meals, and Frieza was taking his advice. (The evil tyrant was prone to heartburn and ulcers.) When the food in Frieza's stomach had settled, he would deal with the usurpers then.
"Sexist pig!"
"Stop this repression against women!"
"Cancel the beauty contest!"
"Down with sexist pigs!"
"Sexist pig! Sexist pig! Lord Frieza is a sexist pig!"
"Frieza wants to hold women back!"
Feminisa saw Jaden and Dodoria walking to Frieza's dining room, and she cried to them, waving her signs, "Top Elite Officers! If you truly want to help end tyranny in Frieza's army, protest this beauty contest! Commander Jaden, you as a woman, should want to object this obvious degradation of women in Frieza's forces and the Cold Empire!"
Jaden winced, but she said quietly, "Look, Feminisa, I'm not crazy about beauty contests any more than you and your friends are, but entering is optional. No one is forcing the contestants to enter. And all you and your friends are going to do is upset Lord Frieza's stomach, and Lord Frieza especially gets in a nasty mood when his stomach is acting up. And frankly, since I have to see him in two seconds, I don't want to be on the brunt of one of his rages."
"You might be on the brunt of one of his rages, but not me," Dodoria told Jaden. "Frieza is always happy to see me. I always please him and serve him well. Why do you think he keeps me around?"
"To demonstrate to the rest of us as to exactly what a Top Elite Officer should not be like," Jaden quipped.
Dodoria cut his eyes at her, his archenemy. Jaden and Dodoria had a long and painful history going back to when Dodoria used to tease and torment Jaden when he was once much stronger than she was. He had left her alone physically ever since Jaden's strength had caught up to his, but he never missed a chance to make her life miserable whenever possible. Jaden had killed their Sagash, their brutal trainer who had been a role model of Dodoria's, and Dodoria had never forgiven Jaden for it.
Jaden didn't let up on him. "And you serving as a butt for his jokes gets him through the day, as well, Dodo."
"Why you bitc-"
Frieza came out of his office just then. "What is going on here?" he demanded.
The other protesters fell silent in terror, but Feminisa spoke up freely, "You, Lord Frieza, are a sexist pig!"
"She's gone," Dodoria blurted bluntly.
For once, Jaden had to agree with her archenemy. She was going to miss the girl too; Feminisa had been one of Jaden's students before she had earned herself a Lower-Elite position. The Rybanese warrior shook her head, wondering how Frieza was going to ship Feminisa off to the next dimension.
"How dare you accuse me of such a thing?" Frieza fumed to Feminisa, who bravely held her ground.
"Holding this beauty contest!" Feminisa said boldly. "How dare you repress women this way? Having them parade around in swimsuits and scanty dresses in front of crazed, oversexed men! What is wrong with you?"
Frieza narrowed his eyes at her when Guido suddenly showed up, marching behind the other girls, carrying a sign that read, "FRIEZA = SEXIST PIG!" He was also munching on a chili cheeseburger, and chili and cheese dribbled down his chin.
"Guido!" Dodoria roared. "What is wrong with you? Why are you marching against Frieza?" Dodoria stormed over to Guido, and Jaden followed behind him.
"You, a Ginyu Force member, are opposing the beauty contest?" Jaden asked, amazed. "I'm surprised, Guido. Since when did you become opposed to beauty pageants?"
Guido said to Jaden and Dodoria, "Well, I'm not really opposed to the Miss Frieza Beauty Contest. I just started protesting with the girls because they bribed me with chili cheeseburgers."
"You mean that you're protesting my beauty pageant because of chili cheeseburgers?" Frieza fumed.
Guido meekly nodded, and he gobbled down on a second cheeseburger.
"Do these chili cheeseburgers come with curly fries?" Jaden asked.
"You betcha," Guido said between mouthfuls.
"Well, in that case…" Jaden said happily. "Give me a sign, girls!" Feminisa tossed an extra sign to Jaden, and Jaden began chanting, "Sexist pig! Sexist pig! Lord Frieza is a sexist pig!" One of the protesters tossed Jaden a wrapped chili cheeseburger.
"JADEN!" Frieza roared and shot her a look so deadly that it could have decimated a galaxy. Jaden meekly handed the sandwich back to Feminisa, and when Frieza gave Guido the same look, he humbly tossed the remains of his chili cheeseburger in a nearby trashcan.
All the girls continued to cry, "Sexist pig! Sexist pig! Lord Frieza is a sexist pig! Down with sexist pigs who hold sexist beauty contests!"
"Dodoria," Frieza told his one remaining loyal soldier. "There is something that I…want you to do for me."
"What's that, my love…er I mean, my lord?" Dodoria asked. "Do you want me to kill them all?"
"No, not yet!"
"Then what else do you want me to do, sire?"
"Get me my antacids, Dodoria! My ulcers are acting up again! When my stomach calms down, then I can deal with these fools! Get to it!"
"Yes, yes, my lov-er, I mean my lord!" Dodoria stuttered, scrambling to Frieza's office.
"Sexist pig! Sexist pig! Lord Frieza is a sexist pig!"
"Dodoria, follow me into the office," Frieza ordered. He said sharply to Jaden, "Jaden, order these girls to disperse at once; I'll discipline them later!"
"Will do, sire," Jaden replied.
"What do you want me to do, sire?" Guido asked.
Frieza looked at him; he hadn't thought much about what do with Guido. He waved his hand and said dismissively, "Oh, um…why don't you enjoy more chili cheeseburgers, hmm, Guido? Tell me how they taste later." He and Dodoria disappeared into the office, leaving Guido and Jaden to the protesters.
"Sexist pig! Sexist pig! Lord Frieza is a sexist pig!"
Twenty minutes later…
Frieza frowned heavily, his stomach already aching. Feminisa and her cohorts continue to shout and chant in protest outside; the cries were growing louder and louder. He clutched at his stomach and gulped down ten more antacids.
"Dr. Katsen said no more than five at a time, sire," Dodoria protested.
"Thank you, Dr. Dodoria!" Frieza mocked. "When you've shown me your medical degree, then I'll listen to what you have to say about my health! Until then-SHUT UP! Oh, my STOMACH! Ohhhhh!"
Suddenly a buzzing sound was heard at the door, and Frieza pressed the button for the door to rise. Jaden casually marched into Frieza's dining room, saying brightly with a big grin on her alligator-like face, "Well, sire, you'll be happy to know that the girls are no longer calling you a sexist pig."
"Then why are they still protesting?"
"They're now calling you a sexist lizard."
"SEXIST LIZARD! SEXIST LIZARD! LORD FRIEZA IS A SEXIST LIZARD!"
"My stomach!" Frieza moaned. He then turned to Jaden and screamed at her, "Jaden, eliminate those girls immediately!"
"Sire, is that necessary?" Jaden inquired. "I could just arrange to have their pay suspended, or at the very most, have them flogged."
"I said to eliminate them at once-" And in his anger, Frieza accidentally pressed his door button.
The door abruptly rose, and before Frieza could close it, Reccoom, ducking his head, walked into the door. Vegeta followed behind him, yelling at the girls, "Get out of my way, all of you! Take your march elsewhere! It won't do you any good!"
"We're offering chili cheeseburgers to those who march with us!" one of the protesters squeaked.
"Chili cheeseburgers?" Reccoom asked hopefully, starting to turn around. Vegeta abruptly seized his arm.
"Not now!" he shouted at the huge Ginyu Force member. "There's a beauty contest to win, you fool!" He shoved two of the protesting girls out into the hall and Frieza hastily shut the door. His stomach started to act up again, but he ignored the pain for now. The girls continued to march and protest outside.
"SEXIST LIZARD! SEXIST LIZARD! LORD FRIEZA IS A SEXIST LIZARD!"
"My beauty contest?" Frieza asked wickedly. "Vegeta, there's a better chance of Dodoria and Jaden sleeping together than of you winning my beauty contest." He laughed loudly, and Jaden and Dodoria managed feeble grins because they knew that Frieza expected them to find what he said funny. Secretly, Jaden wanted to murder the tyrant, and Dodoria almost felt like doing the same.
Vegeta smiled as serenely as possible for him; even Frieza couldn't ruin his good mood today-not yet anyway. He chuckled, "No, sire; I am not the one who is entering. Reccoom is. That's why I brought him here."
Frieza burst into wild laughter, and he nearly fell out of his chair. Jaden chuckled and grinned, and Dodoria snickered.
"Ha! Reccoom entering the beauty contest! Yeah right! You should have entered Jeice, if you were going to enter a Ginyu Force member, Vegeta! At least Jeice wouldn't break a mirror just by looking into it!"
Reccoom roared, "You're dead, Dodo!" He started to march over to Dodoria to pick a fight with the fat, pink soldier, but Vegeta blocked his path.
"He's not worth it, Reccoom," Vegeta told him firmly. "Besides no one asked him to enter a beauty contest. Even Jaden has a better chance of winning than he does. Anyway, let's the form from Lord Frieza."
Frieza jeered, "Vegeta, aren't you forgetting something? Reccoom is a man. The Miss Frieza Beauty Contest is for women. Look in the rules." He tossed a booklet of the contest rules at Vegeta. Vegeta caught the booklet easily, and within less than two minutes, he had read the entire booklet. The Saiyan prince smirked.
"I read all of the rules, Lord Frieza, and not one of them mentions gender as a factor for entering, which means that there is nothing excluding Reccoom from entering your contest."
"What?" Frieza exclaimed.
"Let me see that," Jaden told Vegeta, and Vegeta casually tossed the book to her. Jaden scanned it quickly, and she nodded, grunting. "He's right, sire. There's nothing in here that says men can't enter."
Frieza grumbled, "I hate it when you soldiers find loopholes! Well, I don't care! Reccoom is NOT entering!" And with that, Frieza angrily slammed down the button to open the door. "Vegeta, Reccoom, I want you both to leave immediately, and stop bothering me with this nonsense!"
"But sire, Vegeta thinks that I can win," Reccoom protested.
"GET OUT!"
Jaden grinned, but not at Vegeta and Reccoom's plight. A devious plan came to her mind. She just found a way to get back at her lord for cracking about her and Dodoria-without getting herself killed or tortured. And at the same time, it could possibly get the girls to leave Frieza alone.
As the door opened, Feminisa stormed into the room, followed by the other girls, chanting, "SEXIST PIG! SEXIST PIG! LORD FRIEZA IS A SEXIST PIG!"
"What happened to sexist lizard?" Jaden inquired.
"Sexist pig has a better flow when you say it," Triclopsa explained.
"I understand," Jaden told her and her grin remained. "Ladies, I just learned something today. Frieza is becoming more progressive, more understanding of your plight."
"What do you mean?" Feminisa asked, puzzled.
"Vegeta and Reccoom came up with a novel idea to make the Miss Frieza Beauty Contest more interesting, and Frieza has agreed to it. He is allowing Vegeta to enter Reccoom as a contestant."
"WHAT?" everyone exclaimed. If Frieza were able to kill with his looks, Jaden would have been saying hello to Enma Daiou right about now. Braving Frieza's evil glare (and the possible threat of death), the Rybanese warrior continued, "Yes, that's right, Frieza has opened the contest to both men and women, showing that he is starting to view both sexes equally."
The girls were quiet for a few moments, and Frieza was planning on how to send Jaden to hell. Dodoria was staring at his colleague in shock with his fat jaw almost reaching the floor. Vegeta was grinning, and Reccoom was nervously hoping for a miracle.
Fortunately, the girls began to smile, and Feminisa spoke happily, "That's great! I think it's a wonderful idea to have both men and women in the Miss Frieza Beauty Contest!" She bowed humbly before Frieza and said, "My apologies, sire…how wonderful of you! We have been mistaken! This is great!"
A slow smile crept across Frieza's face against his will, but he kept his stern voice, "Does this mean that if Reccoom enters, you girls will stop this protesting and go away and leave me alone?"
Feminisa was thoughtful then. "One moment please, sire." She drew Triclopsa and the other girls together, and they began to talk rapidly in hushed tones. Then the girls finished, and Feminisa said happily, "Yes!"
Frieza was visibly relieved, and so were the Elite officers. Frieza then recovered his composure, deciding to let Jaden live for now. He then barked, "Good, wonderful. Reccoom is in, Vegeta. Here are the forms." He tossed the forms to Vegeta.
"Now everyone get out of my office, right now! I want to finish my meal in peace! That means everyone! And you girls who were protesting, you all better be gone from outside of my dining room within five minutes."
"Yes, sire!" everyone exclaimed.
"C'mon, everyone, let's go; you all heard the sexist pig," Jaden told everyone. Frieza glared at her again, and Jaden wisely ducked out with the others before Frieza decided to use her for target practice.
"I'll have to give you credit, Jaden," Vegeta said with a grin. "And we do have to thank you. I'll remember you when Zarbon comes to me, serving me ham and eggs in Chestra's sexiest nightie."
"What?" Jaden exclaimed, and her loud, gruff voice echoed throughout the corridors of Frieza's ship.
Reccoom laughed. "That's right, Jaden! If I win, Zarbon has to wear Chestra's clothes when he goes to be Vegeta's flunky for a whole month!"
Jaden looked at both Reccoom and Vegeta strangely. "Let me get this straight: you two are going through with this, so that poor Zarbon has to dress in drag for a month?"
"And be my personal servant," Vegeta told her with a smirk.
Jaden shook her head and sighed. "You two are never going to pull this off," she told them, picking at her teeth with a claw. "There is no way that Nappa and Raditz are going to declare Reccoom Miss Frieza, or Mr. Frieza, or whatever…"
"They will, if I tell them to," Vegeta told her.
"So you plan to fix the contest? Frieza won't like that at all. You better watch your step, Vegeta. I think that your men would rather have their tails removed (and I'm talking about the ones in front) before they would pick Reccoom the winner."
"What if you're wrong, Jaden?" Vegeta dared his former trainer.
Jaden snorted. "Tell you what, Vegeta; if you can pull this off and get Reccoom declared Miss Frieza, I'll put in a recommendation for you to get into Top Elite." Jaden and Reccoom were already in Top Elite. "And I'm sure that I probably can talk Chestra into recommending you as well, though I don't know how well that'll go with Zarbon…"
Vegeta grinned then. He would like that very much, even if it meant that he would have to see that hated lizard leader more often than he would like. It was the prestige and respect of a Top Elite officer that mattered. Right now, Vegeta was only Mid-Elite, one level below Top Elite. But there was one problem…
"What about a third recommendation?" Vegeta inquired. "It takes three Top Elite Officers or a single order from Frieza to get an official recommendation for an officer to make Top Elite. I could ask Diamonique, I suppose, but then I probably would have to sleep with her, and I'm not stooping that low."
Jaden laughed. Diamonique had been Vegeta's first woman, and the deadly Gemstarian beauty had been pursuing Vegeta ever since their breakup some time back. Diamonique was determined to make Vegeta her mate, her husband, and Vegeta had repeatedly told her to leave him alone. Vegeta didn't want Diamonique because she slept around with other men, and he didn't like her personality, although she was good in bed. It was rumored that Diamonique had either ordered the deaths of or killed off the last two women that Vegeta had bedded.
The Rybanese warrior smirked. "That won't be necessary, Vegeta. Dodoria will get you the third recommendation."
Vegeta snorted. "Why? In case you haven't noticed, Jaden, Dodoria and I are not exactly the best of friends."
Jaden wasn't fazed. "Doesn't matter. Dodoria will do it for me."
"Why? He doesn't like you anymore than he likes me."
"Oh, I know," Jaden said casually. "But once I go to him about it, he'll tear down his beloved Frieza shrine, if I ask him to."
"And what would make him so agreeable to recommend me for Top Elite?"
Jaden chuckled. "What if I told you that I have a tape of him secretly mooning Coola on Coola's last birthday, and I was thinking about sending it to Frieza's dear brother himself…"
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
A/N: So Reccoom is in, but Vegeta still has a long road ahead of him to get Reccoom declared Miss Frieza. As for our illustrious judges, Nappa and Raditz, Coola and King Cold have them abducted in the next chapter in order to force the two hapless Saiyans to vote for Snowflake or Karilyn. How will Nappa and Raditz react? Will they get away from Coola and King Cold alive when Coola gets a hold of Nappa and King Cold gets a hold of Raditz?
That evening…
"Sexist pig! Sexist pig! Lord Frieza is a sexist pig!"
Feminisa and her followers were parading outside of Frieza's dining room, where Frieza was eating his dinner, chanting and waving signs in protest of the Miss Frieza Beauty Contest. Frieza was fervently trying to ignore them; Dr. Katsen, his regular physician, had advised him never to get upset during his meals, and Frieza was taking his advice. (The evil tyrant was prone to heartburn and ulcers.) When the food in Frieza's stomach had settled, he would deal with the usurpers then.
"Sexist pig!"
"Stop this repression against women!"
"Cancel the beauty contest!"
"Down with sexist pigs!"
"Sexist pig! Sexist pig! Lord Frieza is a sexist pig!"
"Frieza wants to hold women back!"
Feminisa saw Jaden and Dodoria walking to Frieza's dining room, and she cried to them, waving her signs, "Top Elite Officers! If you truly want to help end tyranny in Frieza's army, protest this beauty contest! Commander Jaden, you as a woman, should want to object this obvious degradation of women in Frieza's forces and the Cold Empire!"
Jaden winced, but she said quietly, "Look, Feminisa, I'm not crazy about beauty contests any more than you and your friends are, but entering is optional. No one is forcing the contestants to enter. And all you and your friends are going to do is upset Lord Frieza's stomach, and Lord Frieza especially gets in a nasty mood when his stomach is acting up. And frankly, since I have to see him in two seconds, I don't want to be on the brunt of one of his rages."
"You might be on the brunt of one of his rages, but not me," Dodoria told Jaden. "Frieza is always happy to see me. I always please him and serve him well. Why do you think he keeps me around?"
"To demonstrate to the rest of us as to exactly what a Top Elite Officer should not be like," Jaden quipped.
Dodoria cut his eyes at her, his archenemy. Jaden and Dodoria had a long and painful history going back to when Dodoria used to tease and torment Jaden when he was once much stronger than she was. He had left her alone physically ever since Jaden's strength had caught up to his, but he never missed a chance to make her life miserable whenever possible. Jaden had killed their Sagash, their brutal trainer who had been a role model of Dodoria's, and Dodoria had never forgiven Jaden for it.
Jaden didn't let up on him. "And you serving as a butt for his jokes gets him through the day, as well, Dodo."
"Why you bitc-"
Frieza came out of his office just then. "What is going on here?" he demanded.
The other protesters fell silent in terror, but Feminisa spoke up freely, "You, Lord Frieza, are a sexist pig!"
"She's gone," Dodoria blurted bluntly.
For once, Jaden had to agree with her archenemy. She was going to miss the girl too; Feminisa had been one of Jaden's students before she had earned herself a Lower-Elite position. The Rybanese warrior shook her head, wondering how Frieza was going to ship Feminisa off to the next dimension.
"How dare you accuse me of such a thing?" Frieza fumed to Feminisa, who bravely held her ground.
"Holding this beauty contest!" Feminisa said boldly. "How dare you repress women this way? Having them parade around in swimsuits and scanty dresses in front of crazed, oversexed men! What is wrong with you?"
Frieza narrowed his eyes at her when Guido suddenly showed up, marching behind the other girls, carrying a sign that read, "FRIEZA = SEXIST PIG!" He was also munching on a chili cheeseburger, and chili and cheese dribbled down his chin.
"Guido!" Dodoria roared. "What is wrong with you? Why are you marching against Frieza?" Dodoria stormed over to Guido, and Jaden followed behind him.
"You, a Ginyu Force member, are opposing the beauty contest?" Jaden asked, amazed. "I'm surprised, Guido. Since when did you become opposed to beauty pageants?"
Guido said to Jaden and Dodoria, "Well, I'm not really opposed to the Miss Frieza Beauty Contest. I just started protesting with the girls because they bribed me with chili cheeseburgers."
"You mean that you're protesting my beauty pageant because of chili cheeseburgers?" Frieza fumed.
Guido meekly nodded, and he gobbled down on a second cheeseburger.
"Do these chili cheeseburgers come with curly fries?" Jaden asked.
"You betcha," Guido said between mouthfuls.
"Well, in that case…" Jaden said happily. "Give me a sign, girls!" Feminisa tossed an extra sign to Jaden, and Jaden began chanting, "Sexist pig! Sexist pig! Lord Frieza is a sexist pig!" One of the protesters tossed Jaden a wrapped chili cheeseburger.
"JADEN!" Frieza roared and shot her a look so deadly that it could have decimated a galaxy. Jaden meekly handed the sandwich back to Feminisa, and when Frieza gave Guido the same look, he humbly tossed the remains of his chili cheeseburger in a nearby trashcan.
All the girls continued to cry, "Sexist pig! Sexist pig! Lord Frieza is a sexist pig! Down with sexist pigs who hold sexist beauty contests!"
"Dodoria," Frieza told his one remaining loyal soldier. "There is something that I…want you to do for me."
"What's that, my love…er I mean, my lord?" Dodoria asked. "Do you want me to kill them all?"
"No, not yet!"
"Then what else do you want me to do, sire?"
"Get me my antacids, Dodoria! My ulcers are acting up again! When my stomach calms down, then I can deal with these fools! Get to it!"
"Yes, yes, my lov-er, I mean my lord!" Dodoria stuttered, scrambling to Frieza's office.
"Sexist pig! Sexist pig! Lord Frieza is a sexist pig!"
"Dodoria, follow me into the office," Frieza ordered. He said sharply to Jaden, "Jaden, order these girls to disperse at once; I'll discipline them later!"
"Will do, sire," Jaden replied.
"What do you want me to do, sire?" Guido asked.
Frieza looked at him; he hadn't thought much about what do with Guido. He waved his hand and said dismissively, "Oh, um…why don't you enjoy more chili cheeseburgers, hmm, Guido? Tell me how they taste later." He and Dodoria disappeared into the office, leaving Guido and Jaden to the protesters.
"Sexist pig! Sexist pig! Lord Frieza is a sexist pig!"
Twenty minutes later…
Frieza frowned heavily, his stomach already aching. Feminisa and her cohorts continue to shout and chant in protest outside; the cries were growing louder and louder. He clutched at his stomach and gulped down ten more antacids.
"Dr. Katsen said no more than five at a time, sire," Dodoria protested.
"Thank you, Dr. Dodoria!" Frieza mocked. "When you've shown me your medical degree, then I'll listen to what you have to say about my health! Until then-SHUT UP! Oh, my STOMACH! Ohhhhh!"
Suddenly a buzzing sound was heard at the door, and Frieza pressed the button for the door to rise. Jaden casually marched into Frieza's dining room, saying brightly with a big grin on her alligator-like face, "Well, sire, you'll be happy to know that the girls are no longer calling you a sexist pig."
"Then why are they still protesting?"
"They're now calling you a sexist lizard."
"SEXIST LIZARD! SEXIST LIZARD! LORD FRIEZA IS A SEXIST LIZARD!"
"My stomach!" Frieza moaned. He then turned to Jaden and screamed at her, "Jaden, eliminate those girls immediately!"
"Sire, is that necessary?" Jaden inquired. "I could just arrange to have their pay suspended, or at the very most, have them flogged."
"I said to eliminate them at once-" And in his anger, Frieza accidentally pressed his door button.
The door abruptly rose, and before Frieza could close it, Reccoom, ducking his head, walked into the door. Vegeta followed behind him, yelling at the girls, "Get out of my way, all of you! Take your march elsewhere! It won't do you any good!"
"We're offering chili cheeseburgers to those who march with us!" one of the protesters squeaked.
"Chili cheeseburgers?" Reccoom asked hopefully, starting to turn around. Vegeta abruptly seized his arm.
"Not now!" he shouted at the huge Ginyu Force member. "There's a beauty contest to win, you fool!" He shoved two of the protesting girls out into the hall and Frieza hastily shut the door. His stomach started to act up again, but he ignored the pain for now. The girls continued to march and protest outside.
"SEXIST LIZARD! SEXIST LIZARD! LORD FRIEZA IS A SEXIST LIZARD!"
"My beauty contest?" Frieza asked wickedly. "Vegeta, there's a better chance of Dodoria and Jaden sleeping together than of you winning my beauty contest." He laughed loudly, and Jaden and Dodoria managed feeble grins because they knew that Frieza expected them to find what he said funny. Secretly, Jaden wanted to murder the tyrant, and Dodoria almost felt like doing the same.
Vegeta smiled as serenely as possible for him; even Frieza couldn't ruin his good mood today-not yet anyway. He chuckled, "No, sire; I am not the one who is entering. Reccoom is. That's why I brought him here."
Frieza burst into wild laughter, and he nearly fell out of his chair. Jaden chuckled and grinned, and Dodoria snickered.
"Ha! Reccoom entering the beauty contest! Yeah right! You should have entered Jeice, if you were going to enter a Ginyu Force member, Vegeta! At least Jeice wouldn't break a mirror just by looking into it!"
Reccoom roared, "You're dead, Dodo!" He started to march over to Dodoria to pick a fight with the fat, pink soldier, but Vegeta blocked his path.
"He's not worth it, Reccoom," Vegeta told him firmly. "Besides no one asked him to enter a beauty contest. Even Jaden has a better chance of winning than he does. Anyway, let's the form from Lord Frieza."
Frieza jeered, "Vegeta, aren't you forgetting something? Reccoom is a man. The Miss Frieza Beauty Contest is for women. Look in the rules." He tossed a booklet of the contest rules at Vegeta. Vegeta caught the booklet easily, and within less than two minutes, he had read the entire booklet. The Saiyan prince smirked.
"I read all of the rules, Lord Frieza, and not one of them mentions gender as a factor for entering, which means that there is nothing excluding Reccoom from entering your contest."
"What?" Frieza exclaimed.
"Let me see that," Jaden told Vegeta, and Vegeta casually tossed the book to her. Jaden scanned it quickly, and she nodded, grunting. "He's right, sire. There's nothing in here that says men can't enter."
Frieza grumbled, "I hate it when you soldiers find loopholes! Well, I don't care! Reccoom is NOT entering!" And with that, Frieza angrily slammed down the button to open the door. "Vegeta, Reccoom, I want you both to leave immediately, and stop bothering me with this nonsense!"
"But sire, Vegeta thinks that I can win," Reccoom protested.
"GET OUT!"
Jaden grinned, but not at Vegeta and Reccoom's plight. A devious plan came to her mind. She just found a way to get back at her lord for cracking about her and Dodoria-without getting herself killed or tortured. And at the same time, it could possibly get the girls to leave Frieza alone.
As the door opened, Feminisa stormed into the room, followed by the other girls, chanting, "SEXIST PIG! SEXIST PIG! LORD FRIEZA IS A SEXIST PIG!"
"What happened to sexist lizard?" Jaden inquired.
"Sexist pig has a better flow when you say it," Triclopsa explained.
"I understand," Jaden told her and her grin remained. "Ladies, I just learned something today. Frieza is becoming more progressive, more understanding of your plight."
"What do you mean?" Feminisa asked, puzzled.
"Vegeta and Reccoom came up with a novel idea to make the Miss Frieza Beauty Contest more interesting, and Frieza has agreed to it. He is allowing Vegeta to enter Reccoom as a contestant."
"WHAT?" everyone exclaimed. If Frieza were able to kill with his looks, Jaden would have been saying hello to Enma Daiou right about now. Braving Frieza's evil glare (and the possible threat of death), the Rybanese warrior continued, "Yes, that's right, Frieza has opened the contest to both men and women, showing that he is starting to view both sexes equally."
The girls were quiet for a few moments, and Frieza was planning on how to send Jaden to hell. Dodoria was staring at his colleague in shock with his fat jaw almost reaching the floor. Vegeta was grinning, and Reccoom was nervously hoping for a miracle.
Fortunately, the girls began to smile, and Feminisa spoke happily, "That's great! I think it's a wonderful idea to have both men and women in the Miss Frieza Beauty Contest!" She bowed humbly before Frieza and said, "My apologies, sire…how wonderful of you! We have been mistaken! This is great!"
A slow smile crept across Frieza's face against his will, but he kept his stern voice, "Does this mean that if Reccoom enters, you girls will stop this protesting and go away and leave me alone?"
Feminisa was thoughtful then. "One moment please, sire." She drew Triclopsa and the other girls together, and they began to talk rapidly in hushed tones. Then the girls finished, and Feminisa said happily, "Yes!"
Frieza was visibly relieved, and so were the Elite officers. Frieza then recovered his composure, deciding to let Jaden live for now. He then barked, "Good, wonderful. Reccoom is in, Vegeta. Here are the forms." He tossed the forms to Vegeta.
"Now everyone get out of my office, right now! I want to finish my meal in peace! That means everyone! And you girls who were protesting, you all better be gone from outside of my dining room within five minutes."
"Yes, sire!" everyone exclaimed.
"C'mon, everyone, let's go; you all heard the sexist pig," Jaden told everyone. Frieza glared at her again, and Jaden wisely ducked out with the others before Frieza decided to use her for target practice.
"I'll have to give you credit, Jaden," Vegeta said with a grin. "And we do have to thank you. I'll remember you when Zarbon comes to me, serving me ham and eggs in Chestra's sexiest nightie."
"What?" Jaden exclaimed, and her loud, gruff voice echoed throughout the corridors of Frieza's ship.
Reccoom laughed. "That's right, Jaden! If I win, Zarbon has to wear Chestra's clothes when he goes to be Vegeta's flunky for a whole month!"
Jaden looked at both Reccoom and Vegeta strangely. "Let me get this straight: you two are going through with this, so that poor Zarbon has to dress in drag for a month?"
"And be my personal servant," Vegeta told her with a smirk.
Jaden shook her head and sighed. "You two are never going to pull this off," she told them, picking at her teeth with a claw. "There is no way that Nappa and Raditz are going to declare Reccoom Miss Frieza, or Mr. Frieza, or whatever…"
"They will, if I tell them to," Vegeta told her.
"So you plan to fix the contest? Frieza won't like that at all. You better watch your step, Vegeta. I think that your men would rather have their tails removed (and I'm talking about the ones in front) before they would pick Reccoom the winner."
"What if you're wrong, Jaden?" Vegeta dared his former trainer.
Jaden snorted. "Tell you what, Vegeta; if you can pull this off and get Reccoom declared Miss Frieza, I'll put in a recommendation for you to get into Top Elite." Jaden and Reccoom were already in Top Elite. "And I'm sure that I probably can talk Chestra into recommending you as well, though I don't know how well that'll go with Zarbon…"
Vegeta grinned then. He would like that very much, even if it meant that he would have to see that hated lizard leader more often than he would like. It was the prestige and respect of a Top Elite officer that mattered. Right now, Vegeta was only Mid-Elite, one level below Top Elite. But there was one problem…
"What about a third recommendation?" Vegeta inquired. "It takes three Top Elite Officers or a single order from Frieza to get an official recommendation for an officer to make Top Elite. I could ask Diamonique, I suppose, but then I probably would have to sleep with her, and I'm not stooping that low."
Jaden laughed. Diamonique had been Vegeta's first woman, and the deadly Gemstarian beauty had been pursuing Vegeta ever since their breakup some time back. Diamonique was determined to make Vegeta her mate, her husband, and Vegeta had repeatedly told her to leave him alone. Vegeta didn't want Diamonique because she slept around with other men, and he didn't like her personality, although she was good in bed. It was rumored that Diamonique had either ordered the deaths of or killed off the last two women that Vegeta had bedded.
The Rybanese warrior smirked. "That won't be necessary, Vegeta. Dodoria will get you the third recommendation."
Vegeta snorted. "Why? In case you haven't noticed, Jaden, Dodoria and I are not exactly the best of friends."
Jaden wasn't fazed. "Doesn't matter. Dodoria will do it for me."
"Why? He doesn't like you anymore than he likes me."
"Oh, I know," Jaden said casually. "But once I go to him about it, he'll tear down his beloved Frieza shrine, if I ask him to."
"And what would make him so agreeable to recommend me for Top Elite?"
Jaden chuckled. "What if I told you that I have a tape of him secretly mooning Coola on Coola's last birthday, and I was thinking about sending it to Frieza's dear brother himself…"
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A/N: So Reccoom is in, but Vegeta still has a long road ahead of him to get Reccoom declared Miss Frieza. As for our illustrious judges, Nappa and Raditz, Coola and King Cold have them abducted in the next chapter in order to force the two hapless Saiyans to vote for Snowflake or Karilyn. How will Nappa and Raditz react? Will they get away from Coola and King Cold alive when Coola gets a hold of Nappa and King Cold gets a hold of Raditz?