Author's Notes: My Chapter. Read and Review.
~*~
I feel his naked body lying next to me, his chest rising and falling with every breath. His fingers trace lines along my skin, bare and exposed to him. I turn my body around, looking at his content face, his dark eyes. He begins to open his mouth to say something but I put my finger up to his lips, hushing him. I'm enjoying the silence. My hands travel over his broad shoulders and toned arms, skimming over the scars that defined him for a period of time. A horrible accident, he flinches at my touch. It's a reminder of all the pain and heartbreak, something that will forever be a part of him. I place a feather-light kiss on the spot, wishing my lips could make it disappear. Such an ugly mark on a beautiful body. He forces a small smile my way, and I lean into him. His hands gently skim my sore breasts as he pulls me closer to him. The warmth of a bed is the comfort of life. He starts to kiss my neck, skimming my skin with his tongue. His arms continue to pull me deeper and deeper towards him. The only thing separating us is a few pieces of cloth here and there. He quits after a while, just giving up. I lie in the security of his arms. I'm safe and secure, I don't need anything else. I can feel myself drifting into another world, where I do not have to make life or death decisions, where I do not hurt anyone, I am by myself. But I am happy to be alone. I wish I could make the world disappear right now, for a few seconds, so I could decide where I'm going. I don't have that luxury. He plays with my hair, twirling the strands around his fingers. He's trying to remember this moment as much as I am trying to forget it. He leans in for another kiss, I can only comply. It's a reflex now, anything he does to me, he can do for the sake of having him. I just close my eyes and let him have me. I can feel him hardening against my thigh. I'm beginning to turn into a nymphomaniac. As if it's something to turn to in the worst times, something that makes me forget who I am and what I've done. I lay down against the pillow, pushing him away slightly. He understands and lets me go. He doesn't know what happened, nor do I plan to tell him. One of those dirty little secrets that I'll forever keep with me. I get out from under the covers, the cold temperature hitting my bare body, my nipples hardening, my body shivering. I walk towards the bathroom, turning on the faucet. The warm water hits me, releasing all my pains. I can hear him stirring in the kitchen and living room. We're both off to two separate worlds soon. I get out of the shower as fast as I get in. I just cleanse the smell of him off me. I don't need a reminder of what happened that night. I became a liar and a cheater. I wrap the towel around my body, walking towards the bedroom to find my clothes. He sees me and walks over, taking my hand, and kissing every finger subtly. I can't bear to look into his eyes. I know the truth and I've come to accept it. I walk away from him, a suspicious gaze directed towards me. I walk into the room and lock the door behind me. I just slept with him but I'm ashamed of him seeing me. I pull the pendant along the chain on my neck. I had everything and I lost it because of one stupid mistake. I pull on my black pants and a random shirt I dig out from under the piles. My hair is thrown into a twist and I head towards the kitchen.
"I have to go."
He walks up to me, pulling me in for one last kiss. It might be our last, but I'm not certain.
"Are you okay?"
I nod my head, lying again for the hundredth time that day.
"Just over-worked."
He feigns a smile and follows me to the door.
"Bye."
One final goodbye for us?
"Bye."
The door slams shut behind me. Why does everything fall apart without warning, something that was once so right, now slowly slipping through my fingers? I make my way towards the L, the air warm and pure, unlike me. I'd prefer a dirty, pitch black sky with pounding rain. It would suit me better. I get off the train, walking past smiling faces and happy people. I wish I was one of them. I'm not and never will be. I reach the ER, walking into the lounge and throwing my purse into my locker. The place is deserted, I only have a few charts to finish. I'm off today, I just wanted to be alone for a while. The ER is the best place for that sometimes. Something draws me to the deserted locker, I don't know what it is. It's across the room, but I have to go and see. Maybe convince myself that he's really going once and for all. So many memories, yet all seem like a big blur. We went through a lot, so much more than any other couple ever had to. It made us stronger for a while, then began to destroy us. I open the locker, even though he cleaned it out yesterday, it still has his aura. It will forever be his locker. I slam the door shut. I hate him. I don't care about him anymore. There is no more us. There is me and Zach. Nothing more, I don't need him in my life. He's an inconsiderate bastard who didn't want me. He used me, playing with me at my most vulnerable times, turning me into someone I can't recognize anymore. I gather my charts, leaving the memories and pains behind. I head towards the suture room. I'm an invisible piece of this ER right now, and I plan to keep it that way. I sit down, finally feeling like I can breathe. I feel like my every move is being watched, yet I deserve it. I'm the cheating whore. I don't blame Zach if he never trusts me again. He shouldn't. I don't trust myself. I gave in last night, again. As if once wasn't enough.
It wasn't like before, slow and passionate. It was harrowing and caustic. He didn't care what I wanted anymore. He forced himself on me, into me, tearing me apart. The emotional frustrations being taken out on me physically. He wanted to make me hurt, every thrust deeper made me ache more. I forgot about what I was doing wrong and focused on that paroxysm. He was punishing me in his own way, and I let him, in turn punishing myself. Then I went home, betraying Zach in the worst way possible. I pretended nothing happened, every question he asked I made up an excuse. He believed every word I said, forgave every horrid thing I've done. I don't have a clear conscience. I never will because I will never tell him. He's the only thing I have to hold on to, a single thin thread that is threatening to be cut. I"m holding the knife in my hand, skimming the blade over it.
The door swings open, a familiar silhouette standing in the dull light. The door shuts and we're alone. The worst way to be for us. I despise him, I'd rather not remember him now.
"I thought you were leaving?"
I stare at the jumbled letters on the sheet in front of me. None of them make sense. My hand is shaking, so writing it out of the question as well.
"In an hour. I wanted to come and say goodbye."
I keep my eyes away from him. The last thing I want is for me to regret not telling him to leave.
"I thought you already did."
I spit it out at him, he knows I'm not in the best of moods.
"Abby..."
I stand up, keeping my distance, leaning against the cabinets in the shadows.
"You said your goodbye already. Now leave me alone."
I stare at the black and white tiles on the floor, finally looking up when hearing the door shut. I don't regret telling him to leave. I'm going to gain back the control over my life that I once had. I'm going to get back the person I was before. Even if it means destroying a few bridges along the way. I wish I could shake the feeling of him from me, a reoccurring reminder of the repulsive act I committed. He's gone. He's erased from my memory, from my existance. It only took him three days to ruin my life. He's very good at it too. I still have my hope, and that will pull me through anything the world can throw.
~*~
I feel his naked body lying next to me, his chest rising and falling with every breath. His fingers trace lines along my skin, bare and exposed to him. I turn my body around, looking at his content face, his dark eyes. He begins to open his mouth to say something but I put my finger up to his lips, hushing him. I'm enjoying the silence. My hands travel over his broad shoulders and toned arms, skimming over the scars that defined him for a period of time. A horrible accident, he flinches at my touch. It's a reminder of all the pain and heartbreak, something that will forever be a part of him. I place a feather-light kiss on the spot, wishing my lips could make it disappear. Such an ugly mark on a beautiful body. He forces a small smile my way, and I lean into him. His hands gently skim my sore breasts as he pulls me closer to him. The warmth of a bed is the comfort of life. He starts to kiss my neck, skimming my skin with his tongue. His arms continue to pull me deeper and deeper towards him. The only thing separating us is a few pieces of cloth here and there. He quits after a while, just giving up. I lie in the security of his arms. I'm safe and secure, I don't need anything else. I can feel myself drifting into another world, where I do not have to make life or death decisions, where I do not hurt anyone, I am by myself. But I am happy to be alone. I wish I could make the world disappear right now, for a few seconds, so I could decide where I'm going. I don't have that luxury. He plays with my hair, twirling the strands around his fingers. He's trying to remember this moment as much as I am trying to forget it. He leans in for another kiss, I can only comply. It's a reflex now, anything he does to me, he can do for the sake of having him. I just close my eyes and let him have me. I can feel him hardening against my thigh. I'm beginning to turn into a nymphomaniac. As if it's something to turn to in the worst times, something that makes me forget who I am and what I've done. I lay down against the pillow, pushing him away slightly. He understands and lets me go. He doesn't know what happened, nor do I plan to tell him. One of those dirty little secrets that I'll forever keep with me. I get out from under the covers, the cold temperature hitting my bare body, my nipples hardening, my body shivering. I walk towards the bathroom, turning on the faucet. The warm water hits me, releasing all my pains. I can hear him stirring in the kitchen and living room. We're both off to two separate worlds soon. I get out of the shower as fast as I get in. I just cleanse the smell of him off me. I don't need a reminder of what happened that night. I became a liar and a cheater. I wrap the towel around my body, walking towards the bedroom to find my clothes. He sees me and walks over, taking my hand, and kissing every finger subtly. I can't bear to look into his eyes. I know the truth and I've come to accept it. I walk away from him, a suspicious gaze directed towards me. I walk into the room and lock the door behind me. I just slept with him but I'm ashamed of him seeing me. I pull the pendant along the chain on my neck. I had everything and I lost it because of one stupid mistake. I pull on my black pants and a random shirt I dig out from under the piles. My hair is thrown into a twist and I head towards the kitchen.
"I have to go."
He walks up to me, pulling me in for one last kiss. It might be our last, but I'm not certain.
"Are you okay?"
I nod my head, lying again for the hundredth time that day.
"Just over-worked."
He feigns a smile and follows me to the door.
"Bye."
One final goodbye for us?
"Bye."
The door slams shut behind me. Why does everything fall apart without warning, something that was once so right, now slowly slipping through my fingers? I make my way towards the L, the air warm and pure, unlike me. I'd prefer a dirty, pitch black sky with pounding rain. It would suit me better. I get off the train, walking past smiling faces and happy people. I wish I was one of them. I'm not and never will be. I reach the ER, walking into the lounge and throwing my purse into my locker. The place is deserted, I only have a few charts to finish. I'm off today, I just wanted to be alone for a while. The ER is the best place for that sometimes. Something draws me to the deserted locker, I don't know what it is. It's across the room, but I have to go and see. Maybe convince myself that he's really going once and for all. So many memories, yet all seem like a big blur. We went through a lot, so much more than any other couple ever had to. It made us stronger for a while, then began to destroy us. I open the locker, even though he cleaned it out yesterday, it still has his aura. It will forever be his locker. I slam the door shut. I hate him. I don't care about him anymore. There is no more us. There is me and Zach. Nothing more, I don't need him in my life. He's an inconsiderate bastard who didn't want me. He used me, playing with me at my most vulnerable times, turning me into someone I can't recognize anymore. I gather my charts, leaving the memories and pains behind. I head towards the suture room. I'm an invisible piece of this ER right now, and I plan to keep it that way. I sit down, finally feeling like I can breathe. I feel like my every move is being watched, yet I deserve it. I'm the cheating whore. I don't blame Zach if he never trusts me again. He shouldn't. I don't trust myself. I gave in last night, again. As if once wasn't enough.
It wasn't like before, slow and passionate. It was harrowing and caustic. He didn't care what I wanted anymore. He forced himself on me, into me, tearing me apart. The emotional frustrations being taken out on me physically. He wanted to make me hurt, every thrust deeper made me ache more. I forgot about what I was doing wrong and focused on that paroxysm. He was punishing me in his own way, and I let him, in turn punishing myself. Then I went home, betraying Zach in the worst way possible. I pretended nothing happened, every question he asked I made up an excuse. He believed every word I said, forgave every horrid thing I've done. I don't have a clear conscience. I never will because I will never tell him. He's the only thing I have to hold on to, a single thin thread that is threatening to be cut. I"m holding the knife in my hand, skimming the blade over it.
The door swings open, a familiar silhouette standing in the dull light. The door shuts and we're alone. The worst way to be for us. I despise him, I'd rather not remember him now.
"I thought you were leaving?"
I stare at the jumbled letters on the sheet in front of me. None of them make sense. My hand is shaking, so writing it out of the question as well.
"In an hour. I wanted to come and say goodbye."
I keep my eyes away from him. The last thing I want is for me to regret not telling him to leave.
"I thought you already did."
I spit it out at him, he knows I'm not in the best of moods.
"Abby..."
I stand up, keeping my distance, leaning against the cabinets in the shadows.
"You said your goodbye already. Now leave me alone."
I stare at the black and white tiles on the floor, finally looking up when hearing the door shut. I don't regret telling him to leave. I'm going to gain back the control over my life that I once had. I'm going to get back the person I was before. Even if it means destroying a few bridges along the way. I wish I could shake the feeling of him from me, a reoccurring reminder of the repulsive act I committed. He's gone. He's erased from my memory, from my existance. It only took him three days to ruin my life. He's very good at it too. I still have my hope, and that will pull me through anything the world can throw.