Author's Notes: Review. Please. I beg of you. Nothing more. We don't get paid for this so the little reward we get are the reviews.
~*~
I finish the charts somewhat rapidly, skimming over them, just wanting to finish them. I can't stop yelling at myself. I'm such an idiot. I shouldn't have given in and called him. I need to let him go. I've got a new life ahead of me, with a man that would do anything for me. I love Zach, I keep on giving myself reasons not to believe it, but I do. Trust is so hard for me sometimes, especially in relationships. It's like a thorn on a beautiful rose. I sign off on my last chart, and take my purse. I drop the charts off at the main desk and head out the door before anyone can stop me. I'm going home to my best friend, my lover, my confident. No more playing these hidden games, no more lying. I took control when he left the first time. I can take control again. I can make the positive changes that I need. I can be happy, it will take some tears and pain, but I can do it. I can be a better person. There will always be something pulling me back towards him, memories of what we had before. If I hadn't known him before, it would be easier to let go. We got over our addictions together, shared many nights together talking, we laughed, we complained, we made love. There is so much history behind us, and if I don't learn it the first time, I'm bound to repeat it. I don't want to. I know what I could have done to save us. It's too late for regrets now anyway. I have a new chance, with a better man. I don't want to loose him, although I have a feeling we have a rocky road in front of us as well. My cell rings, I pull it out, scanning the caller id. I turn the phone off, turning him away from me. I'm so frustrated and angry at myself. I was weak, a damn relapse. He's like a drug, the addictive kind. I went through withdrawl the first time, I'll do it again. A chapter of my life story that I want closed. I step off the platform, heading to the condo a few blocks away. I hope he's home. I just need to see him to make sure we're still together, that he's still real. I jog up the stairs, my keys already out. Such a usual routine, not until today have I noticed how much I would miss it. I put my keys into the dish, and my purse goes on the sidetable. He walks in and looks at me, we're both hesitant on how to react after this morning. I walk towards him, standing right in front of him. He towers over me, I have to look up. He gives me a questioning glance, I start to bite on my bottom lip. Impulse takes over and my hand go around his neck, pulling him down. I plant a kiss square on his lips, leaving him in shock for a second. I can feel him starting to smile. He makes me want to smile too. He starts to straighten up, picking me up. I wrap my arms tighter around him, my legs wrap around his waist. He holds me tightly, I lean in for another kiss, this time making it deeper and longer. I pull away, and resting my head on his shoulder.
"I love you."
I feel him kiss me on my cheek, rocking me back and forth.
"I love you, too."
He puts me down, the biggest smile on his face. Our fingers interlock and we stand there just looking at each other. He leans in this time, another gentle kiss. I run my hand through his dark brown hair, then holding his face in my hands. He breaks away from me, looking at the clock.
"I have to go, but I'll be back in a few hours. We'll do something special tonight."
I nod my head eagerly.
"I'll take care of everything."
He smiles and gives me another kiss before running out the door. It's going to be a speeding ticket and a half for him, but it doesn't matter. He's chief of surgery. He can be late. I watch him walk out the door, then I walk back to the living room, collapsing on the sofa. It's been one long week, and all I want tonight is to spend time with Zach, just the two of us, no interruptions, no work, no ex's, nothing. I wonder what I can do. We haven't had any time for each other lately. It's been a strain. I have crazy shifts, and he has crazy residents calling him at odd hours of the night. I would suggest going out, but he'll be too tired by the time he gets home. We'll stay here. He's done something special for me a few times, nothing big. A simple candlelight dinner after a bath, or a stroll along the beach in the middle of the night. He's a hopeless romantic. I've found a winner. I get off the couch, walking into the bedroom and pulling out the box of candles from the corner. I don't know what my plan is just yet, but he deserves the best. I go back to the living room, pushing the table and sofa out of the way, making room in front of the fire. The candles go around the room, candles that will soon bathe the world around us in a soft yellow glow. I look at the clock, 3:57. He's on his way to Africa right now. He's gone forever. I don't know how I would feel, but I feel no remorse. He's gone, and I'm going back to the life I had wanted all along. I run my hands through my hair and decide its about time to get rid of the blonde. I've been planning to do it for weeks, but I never have time. I don't know why, I just need a physical change. I don't think Zach has ever seen me dressed up more than in jeans. Another treat for tonight I guess. I need to know I still have some sex appeal. I peel my clothes off and change into some old scrubs that are falling apart. I grab the bottle of auburn dye from the cabinet, its starting to gather dust already. I mix the solution together, the smell knocking me out of a daze. It's strong, but it's not half as bad as some of the crap we use in the ER for disinfection. I start to put the color into my hair, instantly it catches hold and I can see my blonde faze wearing off. I start to look more mature, the Abby I was before. I dont' know if I was happier back then, but I'm going to try. I can do this, I can stop lying to myself. I empty the bottle and let the color set for a few minutes. I go digging around in the closet now. It's been ages since I've dressed up. I have no need to. I flip through some shirts and pants, I could have sworn I have a black dress somewhere. Probably buried deep in the back. I skim through the hangers and finally find it, pulling it out. I bought it for Carter's charity gala. Why does everything always link back to him when I don't need it to. No. Tonight the dress is going to gain a new history. It'll be okay. I smooth it out, checking the slit against my leg. This can work. I hang it on the door in plain view. I check my hair, and turn on the water to rinse it out. I shampoo it a few times to get the horrid smell out, and towel dry it. I grab the blow dryer, deciding against waiting for it, and quickly run it on low. My hair is back to its natural dark brown color, I look like a different person. I dont' know why I went blonde, it was a spontaneous thing. Of course Susan never stopped teasing me because she said Carter only went for blondes. I mentally scold myself again. I need to get him out of my head. He's gone. He's gone, a million miles away. I brush my hair, pinning the front strands back, just loose enough to let my bangs frame my face. I hate doing my hair, but it's working with me today. I walk into the bedroom, looking for something to put under that dress. White just isn't going to cut it. I dig deeper into my bottom drawer, pulling out my black bra and undies. I never thought they would come in handy again. I slip them on quickly, then the dress comes over. I walk back into the bathroom, putting on some gentle make-up, just light enough to be noticed. I walk towards the mirror in the hallway, running a quick inspection. I've never felt so good about myself. I don't know what it is, I feel like I've been liberated from the fetters Carter had on me. I feel like I don't have to pretend to be something or someone. I can do anything I want, good or bad, and it's okay. I can only blame myself in the end. I check the clock it's 6:13. He should be home soon. I don't know what's going to happen. I set the atmopshere up, whatever he wants to do, I'll go with. It's just us tonight. I light the candles in the living room, a blanket spread out on the floor by the fire. I've never done this type of thing before, and in a way, it's a good expierence. I hear a gentle knocking at the door, that's probably him since he sometimes doesn't feel like searching for his keys. I walk over to the door, turning the lock open. It's not what I expected or needed at that point in time.
"Carter? What the hell are you doing here?"
He stands, looking at me in shock, just pure shock. I doubt there is another word to descibe him. I would have pushed him down teh stairs had he not been holding a squirming boy in his arms. He can't tear his eyes off me. I want to slam the door on him. He's supposed to be about five hours into a flight to Africa. Not standing outside my door gazing at me.
~*~
I finish the charts somewhat rapidly, skimming over them, just wanting to finish them. I can't stop yelling at myself. I'm such an idiot. I shouldn't have given in and called him. I need to let him go. I've got a new life ahead of me, with a man that would do anything for me. I love Zach, I keep on giving myself reasons not to believe it, but I do. Trust is so hard for me sometimes, especially in relationships. It's like a thorn on a beautiful rose. I sign off on my last chart, and take my purse. I drop the charts off at the main desk and head out the door before anyone can stop me. I'm going home to my best friend, my lover, my confident. No more playing these hidden games, no more lying. I took control when he left the first time. I can take control again. I can make the positive changes that I need. I can be happy, it will take some tears and pain, but I can do it. I can be a better person. There will always be something pulling me back towards him, memories of what we had before. If I hadn't known him before, it would be easier to let go. We got over our addictions together, shared many nights together talking, we laughed, we complained, we made love. There is so much history behind us, and if I don't learn it the first time, I'm bound to repeat it. I don't want to. I know what I could have done to save us. It's too late for regrets now anyway. I have a new chance, with a better man. I don't want to loose him, although I have a feeling we have a rocky road in front of us as well. My cell rings, I pull it out, scanning the caller id. I turn the phone off, turning him away from me. I'm so frustrated and angry at myself. I was weak, a damn relapse. He's like a drug, the addictive kind. I went through withdrawl the first time, I'll do it again. A chapter of my life story that I want closed. I step off the platform, heading to the condo a few blocks away. I hope he's home. I just need to see him to make sure we're still together, that he's still real. I jog up the stairs, my keys already out. Such a usual routine, not until today have I noticed how much I would miss it. I put my keys into the dish, and my purse goes on the sidetable. He walks in and looks at me, we're both hesitant on how to react after this morning. I walk towards him, standing right in front of him. He towers over me, I have to look up. He gives me a questioning glance, I start to bite on my bottom lip. Impulse takes over and my hand go around his neck, pulling him down. I plant a kiss square on his lips, leaving him in shock for a second. I can feel him starting to smile. He makes me want to smile too. He starts to straighten up, picking me up. I wrap my arms tighter around him, my legs wrap around his waist. He holds me tightly, I lean in for another kiss, this time making it deeper and longer. I pull away, and resting my head on his shoulder.
"I love you."
I feel him kiss me on my cheek, rocking me back and forth.
"I love you, too."
He puts me down, the biggest smile on his face. Our fingers interlock and we stand there just looking at each other. He leans in this time, another gentle kiss. I run my hand through his dark brown hair, then holding his face in my hands. He breaks away from me, looking at the clock.
"I have to go, but I'll be back in a few hours. We'll do something special tonight."
I nod my head eagerly.
"I'll take care of everything."
He smiles and gives me another kiss before running out the door. It's going to be a speeding ticket and a half for him, but it doesn't matter. He's chief of surgery. He can be late. I watch him walk out the door, then I walk back to the living room, collapsing on the sofa. It's been one long week, and all I want tonight is to spend time with Zach, just the two of us, no interruptions, no work, no ex's, nothing. I wonder what I can do. We haven't had any time for each other lately. It's been a strain. I have crazy shifts, and he has crazy residents calling him at odd hours of the night. I would suggest going out, but he'll be too tired by the time he gets home. We'll stay here. He's done something special for me a few times, nothing big. A simple candlelight dinner after a bath, or a stroll along the beach in the middle of the night. He's a hopeless romantic. I've found a winner. I get off the couch, walking into the bedroom and pulling out the box of candles from the corner. I don't know what my plan is just yet, but he deserves the best. I go back to the living room, pushing the table and sofa out of the way, making room in front of the fire. The candles go around the room, candles that will soon bathe the world around us in a soft yellow glow. I look at the clock, 3:57. He's on his way to Africa right now. He's gone forever. I don't know how I would feel, but I feel no remorse. He's gone, and I'm going back to the life I had wanted all along. I run my hands through my hair and decide its about time to get rid of the blonde. I've been planning to do it for weeks, but I never have time. I don't know why, I just need a physical change. I don't think Zach has ever seen me dressed up more than in jeans. Another treat for tonight I guess. I need to know I still have some sex appeal. I peel my clothes off and change into some old scrubs that are falling apart. I grab the bottle of auburn dye from the cabinet, its starting to gather dust already. I mix the solution together, the smell knocking me out of a daze. It's strong, but it's not half as bad as some of the crap we use in the ER for disinfection. I start to put the color into my hair, instantly it catches hold and I can see my blonde faze wearing off. I start to look more mature, the Abby I was before. I dont' know if I was happier back then, but I'm going to try. I can do this, I can stop lying to myself. I empty the bottle and let the color set for a few minutes. I go digging around in the closet now. It's been ages since I've dressed up. I have no need to. I flip through some shirts and pants, I could have sworn I have a black dress somewhere. Probably buried deep in the back. I skim through the hangers and finally find it, pulling it out. I bought it for Carter's charity gala. Why does everything always link back to him when I don't need it to. No. Tonight the dress is going to gain a new history. It'll be okay. I smooth it out, checking the slit against my leg. This can work. I hang it on the door in plain view. I check my hair, and turn on the water to rinse it out. I shampoo it a few times to get the horrid smell out, and towel dry it. I grab the blow dryer, deciding against waiting for it, and quickly run it on low. My hair is back to its natural dark brown color, I look like a different person. I dont' know why I went blonde, it was a spontaneous thing. Of course Susan never stopped teasing me because she said Carter only went for blondes. I mentally scold myself again. I need to get him out of my head. He's gone. He's gone, a million miles away. I brush my hair, pinning the front strands back, just loose enough to let my bangs frame my face. I hate doing my hair, but it's working with me today. I walk into the bedroom, looking for something to put under that dress. White just isn't going to cut it. I dig deeper into my bottom drawer, pulling out my black bra and undies. I never thought they would come in handy again. I slip them on quickly, then the dress comes over. I walk back into the bathroom, putting on some gentle make-up, just light enough to be noticed. I walk towards the mirror in the hallway, running a quick inspection. I've never felt so good about myself. I don't know what it is, I feel like I've been liberated from the fetters Carter had on me. I feel like I don't have to pretend to be something or someone. I can do anything I want, good or bad, and it's okay. I can only blame myself in the end. I check the clock it's 6:13. He should be home soon. I don't know what's going to happen. I set the atmopshere up, whatever he wants to do, I'll go with. It's just us tonight. I light the candles in the living room, a blanket spread out on the floor by the fire. I've never done this type of thing before, and in a way, it's a good expierence. I hear a gentle knocking at the door, that's probably him since he sometimes doesn't feel like searching for his keys. I walk over to the door, turning the lock open. It's not what I expected or needed at that point in time.
"Carter? What the hell are you doing here?"
He stands, looking at me in shock, just pure shock. I doubt there is another word to descibe him. I would have pushed him down teh stairs had he not been holding a squirming boy in his arms. He can't tear his eyes off me. I want to slam the door on him. He's supposed to be about five hours into a flight to Africa. Not standing outside my door gazing at me.