'MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!'

Zurg was enjoying himself; his hands were above his head and he was really going for the gusto, projecting from the diaphragm and all. He hadn't had a maniacal laugh this good since the time he'd nearly conquered the planet of Appel Joabs, and was therefore inches from gaining a stranglehold on the most artistic and esoteric computer designs in the galaxy.

Around him, explosions and laserfire rocked his ship as countless grubs hurried about their tasks. Another crackle of energy from his Stasis Cannon brought a renewed bought of laughter to the evil emperor's lungs.

'Oh Yes!' He cried, in between breaths. 'Yes! Star Command falls!' He cried, lifting his arms dramatically. 'Lightyear is powerless to stop me, and universal conquest is mine!'

His fist clenched in the air as he shook it triumphantly at his viewscreen, where two dozen Star Cruisers lay helpless, trapped in the writing energy field of his Stasis Cannon. Lightyear's ship was among them, and he took extra pleasure in watching Cruiser 42 try to cut a way out with it's weapons. 'That fool, Lightyear!' Zurg said, really indulging himself on this one. 'His weapons fire is only strengthening my stasis field!' Here he was interrupted by another bout of ego soothing laughter. 'Which reminds me, GRUB!' He shouted at one who was scurrying near his foot. 'Have my lawyer call the patent office. I'll be wanting royalties off this one.'

A transmission fizzled it's way onto the viewscreen. Buzz Lightyear, his visage twisted in frustration and (as Zurg liked to think) misguided determination, appeared in twenty foot glory.

'Ah, Lightyear!' Zurg turned back to the screen, the grub running in fear. 'So good of you to call.' The ship rocked; Star Command's flak guns were trying to take apart his Hornet army. 'The effort's futile, of course.' Zurg said, folding his arms. 'Seeing as how you'll all be dead in a matter of moments! MWA HA! MWAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!'

'Don't be too-' Lightyear was interrupted by an explosion somewhere on his ship. 'Sure about that, Zurg. The forces of good have triumphed before, and triumph today they shall!'

'We shall see, Light Year.' Zurg said, pressing a button on his throne. Lightyear disappeared and was immediately replaced by the ever so beautiful image of Star Command.

Burning!

'Mehemwahahahaha!' Zurg laughed again, this time a more subtle and decidedly evil chuckle. 'Prepare the boarding teams!' He shouted at his grubs. 'I want that Nebula taken alive!' As he said it, he remembered the seminar he'd taken recently and added 'If reasonably possible!'

More Hornets began to launch from the belly of his massive dreadnought as Star Command began to lose more and more defensive guns. Zurg singled out a lone turret that seemed far too efficient for his liking and evaporated it with a single strike of his laser cannons.

'Today...' Zurg stood, rubbing his hands in glee. 'Today, Star Command shall fall! Lightyear shall be no more! And I shall rule the galaxy, spreading my reign of terror with impunity! MWAHA-'

'Uh, sir?'

'WHAT?' He shouted at the grub, infuriated at having his gloating interrupted. 'Do I disturb you when you've got chores? Do I tell you how to run your miserable insignificant life?' He produced a very large and very matte hand cannon from behind his back and pointed it at the grub's head. 'You'd better have something very good for me, or you're going to be turned into carpeting!'

'It's your-' He gulped. 'You've got a call.' He squealed, Zurg's finger moving on the trigger. 'On the emergency line!'

'So?' Zurg said, still irritated. 'Take a message! Get them to call me back! I'm on the verge of galactic conquest! I can't take a phone call!'

'etsyernathe' The grub whimpered.

'What?' Zurg asked.

'It's your mother.' The grub said, putting its hands over its head. And Ronnie owed him money, too.

Zurg straightened. 'My mother?' He asked. 'Why didn't you tell me sooner, you insolent grub?' He hit it out of the way with his gun. 'Bring me my telephone!'

The instrument was brought forth. 'Turn that screen off!' He shouted, and the screen went blank. The ship rumbled from weapons fire. Sitting down, Zurg took a deep breath, then reached for the phone.

'Zurgie?' A voice asked from the phone. 'Zurgie poo, izzat you?'

If you've ever heard an entire hall of people stifling a laugh you know exactly what it sounds like. Zurg gave his minions a quick glance that he hoped made them quake in their chairs then immediately grabbed the receiver. 'Hello, mother.' He said in his most amiable tone. A grub gave a snigger and was immediately shot.

'What's that I hear?' His mother asked.

'Oh, nothing.' He said putting the gun away. 'Just the TV. That's all.' He covered the phone with his hand. 'Turn that TV down, will you? My mother's on the phone!' He put the receiver back to his ear. 'Yes, mother?'

'You're conquering the galaxy again, aren't you?' She said in her most accusing tone. 'You're on one of your evil schemes even you promised me not too at the Christmas party in front of Aunt Nora and your sister, too!'

'No no, mother, it's not like that...' Zurg tried.

'You're going to get yourself killed, just like your poor father!' Zurg could barely keep from sighing. 'Ten days they hung him from-'

'That pole like some animal, yes, I know mother.' His eyes were covered now. 'Look, I'm rather busy right now. Couldn't I call y-'

'You never listen to me!' She said, the hypocriticality of that statement sailing past her head. 'You never have! It was always about you you you! I was in labor with you for twenty nine hours! Ingrate! I don't know why I put up with you...' Her voice cracked as she held back tears.

'No, no mother, please don't cry.' He said, trying his very best to ignore the snickering coming from all around him.

'Your sister comes to see me every week! Every week!' She sniffed. 'But you're always busy! I was never busy enough for you, but this is the thanks I get I suppose...'

'Mother.' He said, losing his patience. 'I have an evil organization to run. I can't drop everything and visit the most backwater planet in the galaxy just to come see you!'

Wrong answer. The burst of sobbing was so loud that Zurg had to hold the phone away from his ear. 'Mother, can I call you back, please?' The ship was rocking rather badly now and some of the grubs were trying to catch his attention. Their consoles were flashing.

'You don't care about me at all, do you?' She screamed. 'Frannie cares! She brings me cookies and tells me she loves me...' She broke down again. Zurg felt like crying himself; Star Command beneath his heel, universal domination in his hand and he was having the same conversation he had every time he spoke to his parental unit. Why he didn't just blockade the whole planet he didn't know. Probably because she'd start berating him for being overbearing.

What a hoot.

'Mother, stop it.' Zurg said, trying some force for once. His seminar had mentioned being assertive as very important. 'You know that's not true.'

Every grub on the bridge could hear his mother sobbing into the mouthpiece, but none of them cared. The beeping on their consoles was very loud now and most of them were slightly more panicked than amused.

'I do..' He said, covering his eyes, then closing his mouth and whispering. 'love you, mommy.' There was a break in the lurching sounds. 'Now can I please call you back?'

'Frannie doesn't call me back. Frannie stays and talks to me all night.' His mother said between tears.

'Well Frannie was always your favorite, wasn't she, mother?' Zurg said hotly. 'No matter what I did, it was Frannie this. Frannie that. Well, I'm sick of it! And no, I don't care if you cry your heart out, because you never gave me a chance!' He slammed the phone down. 'That felt good.' He sighed. 'Viewscreen! Status!'

The ship rocked again, this time so violently that he was thrown to the ground. As he stood up, he looked at the viewscreen.

At twenty four Star Cruisers pounding his hull in.

His gaze turned to the grubs at the Stasis Cannon console. To the fire extinguishers in their hands as they frantically tried to stop the blaze.

'Full retreat!' He said, getting back into his throne. 'I'll be back another day, Lightyear!' He said, the massive ship turning tail, his surviving Hornets returning to their hangars.

And as his ship jumped to light space, Star Cruisers continuing to fire at his retreating hull, 'CURSE YOU, AT&T!' could be heard echoing through his command chamber as Team Lightyear gave each other high fives.