When she spun around to stare at the stranger, her thoughts weren't what they were supposed to be. The correct thing to have wandering through one's mind at a time like this was whether the man was dangerous or not. Thoughts like 'woah…hot' or 'take me, take me now' were definitely not acceptable. And 'I wonder if I could get Spike to put on makeup' was worse still. Only one thing to do – resolve face.

        "I'm here to get something to eat," Buffy said coolly.

The stranger swayed on the balls of his feet and grinned at her.

         "One..two…no three, bout time you old bugger," he muttered.

         "If you're not a waiter, I think you should leave now," Buffy said stiffly as he continued to make hand motions.

          "Best do what the lady says, mate," Spike agreed, comfortably kicking his feet up onto the table.

Suddenly businesslike, the stranger stood up straighter.

           "I'm gonna need you to get up now, savvy? Go on, spin 'round there so I can look at you."

            "Spin around?" Buffy exclaimed in outrage. "You go spin around, you asshole."

            "Name's Jack, girly. Captain Jack Sparrow to you, and don't be forgetting it."

            "Well, Captain Jack Sparrow," Buffy bit out, sarcasm flying, "Go away."

             "Can't do that love, doin' an old friend a favor."

             "Hang on," Spike said, frowning. "Old friend…not that orange geezer that sent us here?"

              "So you know Ernie," Jack Sparrow replied, looking pleased. "Then best get down to the nitty gritty, mate. You two have issues. I'm here to solve them."

The next thing Captain Jack Sparrow saw was the grass outside the tavern door and the bits of wood he had brought with him when he flew through the wall.

             "I have NOT got issues," screeched a voice somewhere up above him.

"Beg to differ, love," Jack grunted, trying and failing to rise off the floor.  "But nothin' a few sessions with me wouldn't cure.  Then you and him could be on your way, shaggin' happily."

            "Look," Buffy said, crossing her hands over her breasts.  "I don't know who you are, or what we're doing here.  I'm confused.  See?  Confus-y Buffy.  But there's two things I'm 100% sure of.  I have NOT got issues.  And I do NOT need your help.  So, Captain Jack Sparrow, go back to the mother ship."

To her surprise, for the first time, Jack Sparrow lost that aggravating (sexy) leer. 

            "'m afraid that's completely out of the question.  You see, my Pearl's been invaded.  And it's all the damn monkeys fault."

            "The mon –"

            "Now hang on a minute," Spike said, stepping forward thoughtfully.  "You're serious bout this, are you?  'f you put her through a few sessions, Buffy'll be alright again?  And did you mention shaggin?"

            "What?  Since when am I not allright?  I'm perfectly fine thank you, and you!"

            "Well, to be honest, love," he mumbled, looking down.  "There's been a few changes since you came back from…"

            "There have been no changes!" she shrieked, jumping forward and punching him in the nose.

            "Bloody 'ell!" Spike roared.  "Why you gotta do that?  'm nose still isn't healed from the last time you killed it!  'an I'm a bloody vampire!"  Clutching his bleeding nose, he turned helplessly to Jack.  "D'you see this?  Like a sodding punching bag, I am!  No respect whatsoever."

            "Ay," Jack said, nodding wisely.  "We'll need to fix that."

Biting her lip, Buffy blinked hard and opened her eyes wide.

            "Spike?"

He steadfastly remained turned away from her.

            "Spike?  Please, Spike?  Look, I'm sorry, okay?  It's just that it's been so hard…with coming back from heaven, and all, and you're the only one who's there for me…not that of course, I want you to be there for me or anything," she concluded, sniffling. 

Instantly sorry, Spike hesitantly ran his hand down her hair.

            "Don't worry about it," he said quietly. 

At a loud cough, both turned back to where Jack Sparrow was leaning against a nearby table.

            "Now that that's all done, here's the game plan, savvy?  Now, we're gonna engage the both of yas in some good, strong therapy.  Then, we're gonna get back my ship from the goddamned monkey.  And at the opportune moment, after everythin's done, you two'll be goin' back to wherever you came from.  An' I don't wan' any arguments outta either of ya, hear?"

Properly chastised, Buffy and Spike nodded.

            "So, are we starting the therapy now?" she asked meekly.

            "No, 's not the right time yet.  Right now, we're going to find rum."