Authors Note: Another long wait! I'm so sorry…just so busy with my millions of exams, and homework, and all the stuff. I know it isn't an excuse, but it's the reason. If there's anyone still reading this, please review! I just found one I'd missed in my inbox today, and it inspired me to get off my ass and write a chapter, however short. So I'm not kidding when I say reviews help. Anyway. Hope you enjoy this! Will try to get the next chappy out soon.
"Now hold hands," Jack commanded, leaning back comfortably. "Face each other and try to clear your mind of all anger. Like mine, see? Rum cleared it of everything, it did. Blessed drink."
Buffy and Spike exchanged encouraging smiles, and did as told.
"Now, repeat after me." Jack said. "I am your partner, not your parent."
"I am your parent, not your partner," Buffy said obediently, and flashed Jack a smile.
"What the bloody hell is this?" Spike roared.
Sighing, Jack made a mark in his book, muttering.
"We'll start simply," he amended. "Buffy. How did you find out about this program?"
"In simple words?" she said dubdiously. "Well, okay. Spike and I were patrolling when this carrot demon popped up and started knitting this sock thing, then it talked to us, which is kinda strange, cause usually they just try to kill you, ya know? But anyway. He zapped us back here, then Spike showed me what a massager was, and we came in here, and you decided to tharipify us!"
"What she said," Spike agreed.
"Gonna give you a scenario now," Jack continued, shaking his head. "Say, for instance, we have two people in a relationship. Mate number one wants to do manly things. Pillage, plunder, and so much more. And above all, he rightly wants the biggest cabin. Savvy? Now, we have his girly. She wants the biggest cabin too! Says that after carrying round his brats all day, she deserves a good bloody rest. Now this here," Jack gestured wildly with his hands, so no one could possibly miss the issue. "This here is a conflict. And I wan' you both to tell me how you'd solve said problem. Write it down on there scraps, and then give 'em to me."
Pausing for a moment to think, Buffy smiled and accepted the writing materials, then stuck her tongue between her teeth and started to write.
Spike gave her a soft smile, also taking the paper and writing his thoughts down.
Jack saluted them both and drank his toast down with rum. For purely their benefit, of course.
When both pieces of parchment were back in his hands, he briefly consulted the book, and formulated a plan of action.
"Gonna read these out loud," he stated. "Then we'll go over them and see how to make a compromise. Buffy's goes first." He cleared his throat, adjusted his beads, and started to read.
~
Who should get the bed? By Buffy Anne Summers. AKA: Slayer, the.
This is such a simple question, that I don't understand why it needs to be on this couple therapy thing. There's an obvious answer, and no compromise is needed. The girl will get the bed, and the guy can sleep on the floor. Like, duh! The girl obviously has been through a lot. She's been deserted by every male in her life – can we say not cool here? She works hard, she takes on responsibility and does so many things she doesn't want to do. Hello! Her whole life is like suffering. So it's the duty of the guy to give her all he can, and she obviously wants the bed, so there. What's the problem?
~
Jack looked up in disbelief, expecting to see the same expression on Spike's face. Instead, the vampire was merely shrugging, as though what the bit was blabbering about was perfectly all right. Where was the manly pride here? And the girl! To say self satisfied would be saying too much. She was calmly sitting, 100% sure that what she had written was reasonable. This was really too bloody much.
"Alright then," he said. Now, here's what Spike said."
~
Well, answer's bloody obvious, innit? Don't bullshit me bout some guy and girl, since this is our fucking therapy, I'm gonna rightly assume you're talking about the Slayer and me. Now, she's had a hard lot. Angelus screwed her over rightly, and Captain Cardboard didn't do her any favors. So she can have the bloody bed. And I'll be lucky if she lets me sleep on the floor. Gonna do my best to take care of her, and isn't that hard to let her have that much. Deserves it, she does. So yeah. That's it.
~
Spike gave Buffy a shy smile, then froze when she didn't return it. Indeed, the slayer seemed frozen, still staring at Jack with something akin to despair in her eyes. The pirate nodded compatibly at her a few times, then turned to Spike.
"Mind giving us a few secs, mate? Promise I won't try an' steal your lady."
"Uh…sure. I'll be outside."
Confused, Spike threw Buffy one last bewildered glance before closing the tavern door behind him. Only then did Jack turn to Buffy.
"You get it now, girl? Or do I gotta beat it into ya some more?"
"Yes," Buffy said, sniffing slightly. "I think I get it."
World's most satisfied grin on his face, Jack happily bounced in his seat and poured them both some rum to celebrate.
"Good girl. You're quite lovely, you know that? Remind me of another girl, a little. But she smiled more. And god damn, she was beautiful. Anyway. Now you're gonna explain it all to me, and tell 'ol Jack the plan of action, savvy? How you're gonna make it work with the boy, who, just in passing, is pretty damn lovely himself."
"Yeah, you're right. I'll tell you exactly what I'm gonna do, cause I'm gonna make this work." Buffy paused. "Hang on – how can you think Spike's lovely? Not that he isn't, you know, cause he so is. The purring thing? Sweetest sound ever. But you're like…a guy."
"Don't have to be a lass to appreciate, girly," Jack said slyly, giving her a wink. "Now, tell me everything."