I realize that I didn't do a disclaimer last time.so here it goes.
Disclaimer: Characters not mine, plot it. A/N: This is not a song fic, but it is inspired by a song. IWhite Flag/I by Dido is it, but as I said, it doesn't necessarily flow with the song, it's just what I was listening to when I began writing it.
**********
She crawled out of bed at the pounding on the portrait frame. Her head hurt from crying herself to sleep the night before, and the dull ache seemed to spread to her heart. She sniffled a bit, trying to hold back the tears as she opened the door to reveal Harry and Ron.
At first sight of her their faces fell. Harry sighed, "What happened?"
"Nothing."
"Are you back together?"
She shook her head, "No."
"What did he want?" Ron asked following Hermione as she crawled back into bed. She was just thankful that it was Saturday, which meant she could stay in bed all day if she wanted.
"He wanted.he wanted to get back together."
Harry furrowed his brow, "And you didn't?"
She shook her head, "No."
"I don't understand this, Hermione. Here you were, three days ago, wishing you could have him back. He comes to you and says he wants you back and you turned him down?" Harry asked, confused.
"It's not that simple," she said sadly.
"Get off her, mate. Why do you care so much who she's with? Better for her that she didn't take him back."
He shook his head, "I don't care. But we want her to be happy and look at her, she isn't happy."
"I'm still in the room, you know," she added folding her arms over her chest.
Harry sighed, "Hermione, I know you have your reasons and I'm not telling you what to do, but you're miserable. So please explain to me why it is if this decision you've made has hurt you so much that you're sticking with it?"
She shrugged, "I don't know why, Harry. I was just looking at him and all this anger and sadness was on top of me. I wanted him to know what it was like to have his heart broken."
"What did he say?"
She shook her head, "I don't really want to talk about this, alright? Maybe tomorrow, but I just want to stay here for today."
Ron looked from Harry to Hermione, "No."
They both looked over at their redheaded friend confused, "What?"
"You're not going to mope around here." He shook his head, "Harry's told me to keep my mouth closed about this but I'm sick of it. Malfoy doesn't deserve to even be in the same room with you. He's not good enough for you and you don't deserve someone who treats you with such.recklessness."
"Ron."
"Hear me out before you tell me to shut up." He took a deep breath, "We, Harry and I, sat by and watched the two of you while you were together. And you may have been all happy on top of things, but you two fought too much and are far too different. You can say opposites attract all you want, but in your case it wasn't going to work. Malfoy is selfish and conniving."
Hermione shook her head, "Stop, alright?" She frowned, "I know you hate him. You can hate him all you want.but I'm not to the point where I can sit down with you and trade insults about him, alright?"
"No. It's not all right. Look what he's turned you into, Hermione. I understand that he broke your heart, but this isn't you. Be in love with him all you want but the more you show him how hurt you are the bigger his ego gets."
"Ron, shut up," she said softly.
"You're letting him win."
"Shut. Up. Now," she said, her anger barely hidden.
Harry grabbed Ron's arm before he could say another word, "If you value your teeth, I'd be quiet." Harry sat beside Hermione on the bed, "I know you can't help how you feel about him and if you do, at some point, decide to take him back, then you have to remember that things won't be the way they were before."
"Well apparently things weren't that great before, were they?" she said softly, trying her best not to cry.
"Why are you doing this to yourself?"
"Because Harry. Even after telling me he wanted me back he said he didn't see a future for us. Why should I."
"Because you love him. As much as I hate to admit that to myself, you do. He makes you happy and I have to say that he's much more agreeable when he's with you."
"You hate Malfoy."
"Which means you have to know how hard this is for me to say. You love him, he loves you."
"You don't know that."
"I don't know what?"
"That he loves me."
Harry shook his head, "It's obvious, Hermione."
"Oh is it? Then why can't I see it?"
"Because maybe you're just as afraid as he is."
She put her head in her hands, "Can you both just go? I want to be alone."
Ron shook his head and left quickly, obviously irritated about the way she was acting. Harry wrapped an arm around her shoulders and sighed, "I'm sorry you're unhappy, Hermione."
She closed her eyes, "Just go."
Harry left, giving one last look at his friend before he closed the portrait hole behind him. She rolled onto her side and tried to stop the tears as they threatened to slide down her face.
*~*
She had avoided her friends at all costs, even going so far as to go to the kitchen and ask Dobby to just bring her food in her room, but she didn't remember ever taking a bite of it. Most of the trays just sat on her table, untouched. But she had to do this to avoid her friends. She didn't feel like hearing another 'Love will save the day' speech from Harry and she didn't want to hear Ron speaking badly about Draco either. While she may have been mad at him, she still loved him. Her heart didn't just turn off like that. She had succeeded in avoiding them for a week now, sitting away from them in the few classes they had together and leaving before they could catch up with her. As for Draco, she tried to ignore him, but noticed his little looks every now and again. She'd glance up because she'd feel eyes on her and he'd turn away quickly.
She walked down the stairs to get to her potions class when she heard footsteps behind her. She turned to look and it was Draco, staring at the top of her head. He cast his eyes straight ahead of him as he breezed past her. She fought the need to cry as she pushed open the door. Less than a month ago they'd been standing in front of that very door kissing for the world to see, and now.she sighed. Now they weren't even on speaking terms.
Why did it have to hurt so much? Why is it that in the storybooks, the fairy tales, they never wrote about how much it hurt when the person you loved didn't return it? Why wasn't that ever taught to little girls when they were growing up? She realized that as children girls were sold this foolish notion that love was the 'be all, end all' which wasn't true. Even after you found out that the person you loved didn't love you back, life still went on. It hurt like hell, but you took each day with a painful breath because you couldn't have the one person you wanted. Life was twisted that way. But through her years at Hogwarts she'd come to learn that even happy endings come with unhappy results. She just didn't think that her relationship with Draco would be one of those unhappy results.
She'd thought when he first started pursuing her that it had something to do with getting closer to Harry so he could hurt him. But she'd realized in a short time that it had nothing to do with him. It wasn't until he'd given her a genuine smile that she began to loosen up around him. He was her friend before anything else. He appreciated her love for learning while she encouraged him to do things without worrying if he was besting someone. She remember the first time she told him she had faith in him, believed that he could beat Harry at capturing the Snitch if he worried more about catching it than one upping the other boy. He seemed shocked that she had not only given him a compliment but had told him that she believed in him. It was shortly after that when he revealed to her that no one, his parents included, had ever told him they believed in him. It was a big deal to him.
But that was all over with now, and she sighed as she looked at the back of his head, wishing for the pain to go away. She needed a cure for her broken heart. She needed something to get her mind off of how badly she missed him. But their separation was now her fault, wasn't it? He wanted her back and she told him no. He'd come to her, apologizing in earnest for what he'd done. She wasn't even sure if she forgave him for it. She'd struggled all week about whether or not it was the right decision. And if it was, why did it still leave her feeling like something was missing? She missed the way he would turn and look at her, giving her a little wink, before he'd start paying attention to the professor. Why couldn't it go back to that?
She sighed and rubbed her forehead, as she felt a dull pain throbbing against her skull. *~*
'We can't go back to what we were', he thought to himself. He could survive without her. He could live without ever kissing her again, or holding her. He shook his head slightly, knowing that was a complete lie. He only wished that he hadn't been so damn stubborn in the first place. Had he not been so afraid of her tossing him aside in the first place, none of this would have happened.
But it had happened and he was now alone, without Hermione. He wanted so much to be with her, to tell her all that he had left to say. He wanted nothing more than to tell her that every breath he took and thought that she could possibly hate him was utter agony. He wanted her. He wanted her back, but he'd be damned if he went to her again. She's the one that's keeping them apart now. She knows where he stands and if she wanted him back she would have to come to him.
He'd put himself out there on the line and she had kicked him off. He'd hate her for that if he had it in him. Then he saw her, making her way down to potions. He followed behind her, just wanting to get a good look at her before he went back to ignoring her presence. He could see her breath catch slightly when she saw whom it was behind her. He decided to just walk past her, afraid that he might actually stop her and say something else that would lead her to believe that he was an even bigger jerk than she already did. He opened the door for the potions class and took his seat in the front of the room. That way he wouldn't have to look at her the whole time. He didn't feel like putting himself through that today.
Professor Snape made his way into the classroom, said nothing to them as he pointed his wand at the board and the instructions for their potion appeared. This is what he needed. Mindless work that would allow him to tune everything out but the potion he was brewing. All he had to do was concentrate long enough and not allow his emotions to effect the outcome of such a simple little brew.
But that's all he was these days, complicated emotions, emotions that Lucius and his mother had never told him about. The few actual fairy tales he'd ever heard talked of romance, eternal love, all of which could over come anything. As he glanced back at her and watched as she poured a bit of something into her cauldron; he cursed the writers of such drivel. If that was true, why wasn't he with Hermione now?
She wasn't overly pretty. This was true, but it was the warmth within her that had drawn him in. He remembered her laugh and how infectious it was. He hadn't heard it in quite some time. Her eyes, usually lively and happy, seemed so sad, almost like she was constantly on the brink of tears. He looked away from her and slammed his vial of moonstone onto the table, causing several people, including Hermione, to look at him. He frowned as he went back to work.
He had almost every class with her. He rolled his eyes at his misfortune. Earlier in the year he'd been more than happy to be a little late to class because he'd stopped to give her a good snogging. Hermione hated being late, but he didn't think she'd minded so much if that was the reason.
He looked at his potion and realized that it wasn't the right color and it was fizzing when it should have been bubbling. He sighed, just something else he had to worry about. Good thing Snape liked him enough to not make him drink it. He looked back at Hermione and could see inside her cauldron that it was the right color. Amazing to him that she could still keep her head on with all that was happening.
He waved his potion away and gave a nod towards Snape before he collected his things and left the room. He'd wait for her. He needed to talk to her, to ease his mind because he really was going insane. He couldn't concentrate no matter how hard he tried. He leaned against the wall of the dungeon, waiting for her to finish up. But as students began filing out of the room, he knew she would be last. Snape even came out before Hermione, which meant that everyone except her had left already.
He opened the door and found her sitting on the bench, her fingers massaging her temples. He furrowed his brow as he approached her and took a seat beside her. He could see the look of pain on her face and he captured her wrist in his hand, "Are you alright?" he asked concerned.
He released her when she began to pull, "I'm fine."
"You don't look fine."
"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself."
He rolled his eyes, "I didn't come in here to fight with you?"
"Why not? It's what we're good at," she said as she gathered her things together and put them in her bag. She avoided looking into his eyes, but he didn't leave her side.
She stood and wobbled a bit, causing him to stand and steady her, "What's the matter with you?"
She shook her head and pushed him off, "Nothing, I'm fine. Leave me alone."
She took a few steps and stopped. He watched her carefully as she swayed on her feet before he caught her. "Hermione, you're not fine," he said as he scooped her into his arms and carried her out of the dungeon. Thankfully no one was in the hallway to block his path to the infirmary.
"Put me down, I'm fine," she said in a half-hearted attempt at fighting him.
"I know, you make a habit out of nearly passing out in class. That's normal behavior for you," he deadpanned hoping it would hide how truly afraid for her he was.
He finally reached the infirmary and Madam Pomfrey sighed, "What happened to her now?"
"I don't know. She won't tell me."
"Lay her over there and you get back to class."
"I'm finished for the day."
"Then go back to your common room. I don't need you under foot."
"I'm not leaving."
"I'll deduct twenty points from Slytherin for insubordination."
"Deduct it then, but I'm not leaving."
The older woman sighed and set to finding out what was wrong with Hermione. "So what happened?"
"Nothing, I told Malfoy I'm fine."
He frowned. She called him Malfoy. She hadn't called him that in a long time. He sighed as he sat on the bed opposite from her and watched as Madam Pomfrey looked her over. From what he could tell she didn't look like she was sick. Sure her eyes looked a bit glassy, but that was probably from her being sick, and it wasn't until Madam Pomfrey began talking that he looked away from her, "Ms. Granger, when was the last time you had something to eat?"
At her silence Draco furrowed his brow and added softly and slowly, "I haven't seen her in the Great Hall in almost a week."
The older witch's face grew stern, "Well, how about it Ms. Granger? When was the last time you actually ate something?"
She seemed to be ignoring them both and Draco shook his head, "Answer the woman."
"I don't know."
"Why haven't you eaten?"
"I haven't been hungry."
"Well, you'll stay in here until you do. You understand?"
"This is ridiculous."
Madam Pomfrey sighed, "You will not leave here until you've had a decent meal in your stomach. You will also go to the Great Hall for every meal." She looked up at Draco, "As Head Boy I will expect you to make sure she arrives there."
He nodded as he folded his arms across his chest. She hadn't been eating. That woman drove him mad. She claims to be fine when she's really starving herself, and for what? Because of him, a person who didn't deserve her to care about him.
Madam Pomfrey stood, "I'll be right back. I'm going to send for something from the kitchen."
Draco moved to sit on the bed beside her, "You've stopped eating?"
"No, I just haven't felt like it," she said angrily.
"Same thing! You're smarter than that! What the hell are you thinking?" At her silence he continued, "Look, I'm sorry you're unhappy and I'm even more sorry that I'm the cause of that, but damn it, Hermione, this isn't the way to deal with it."
"I didn't do this on purpose!"
"No! Neither of us ever seems to do anything on purpose! It's just the consequences of our actions that hurt the most. And you're.starving yourself."
"I didn't do it on purpose. I just hadn't felt like eating, alright? I had food sent to my room but I didn't feel like eating it, okay?"
"No, not okay. You're sick now."
"Just leave me alone."
"No."
"Yes."
"I said no, and there is no power great enough to make me leave."
She groaned, "I hate you."
"Yeah, well, what else is new? We spent the first six years of our lives here hating one another, why should things be different now?"
She folded her arms over her chest, "You're such a jerk."
"I'm a jerk because I care about what happens to you?"
"No, you a jerk for other reasons, you're an ass because you won't leave me alone."
"Well someone has to look out for you."
"And you gave that right up weeks ago."
He sighed in frustration, "I can't win with you. I said I was sorry."
"Sorry isn't good enough!"
"What is, with you?! I don't know what else you want me to say! Damn, Hermione, this is.this is crazy. We're both miserable, which was my making at the beginning, but it's not now. You're the one that's keeping us apart so don't place the blame on me anymore. I'm tired of feeling guilty about this. I want you back, but my apology isn't good enough for you. It's not me that doesn't care about your feelings because I think I care a hell of a lot more than most ex-boyfriends would, but it's you who doesn't seem to care about anything but her foolish pride."
"I want you to leave."
"And I want you to get it through your thick head that you will not drive me away. I thought I could go on the way I had before, but I can't. I can't go back to what I was before we were together and neither can you. But I don't want to either. You mean more to me than you'll ever know and it frustrates me to no end that you don't realize that. I'm not giving up. I thought I could just let you have your way about this, but I think I'm more stubborn than you are. So I'll wear you down."
She rolled her eyes, "Just stop, alright? Look, I didn't do this to myself because of you."
"Listen to me, stop trying to say things to make me leave or to make me quit worrying about you. It's not going to happen. I'm not giving up on us."
"What us? You threw it away."
"I didn't throw anything away. I did what I thought was best for you, only because I care about you. I know that sounds like twisted logic to you, but I don't think your judgement can be trusted all that much right now given that you've taken to not eating in order to solve your problems."
"What do you know about it? You parade around here like you haven't a care in the world. You're able to act normal and be like you were before this happened. I can't do that."
"It's not as easy as it seems. Do you really think that it doesn't hurt me? Do you really believe that I am so able to write off my feelings for you?" He sighed, "If you honestly believe that then we have much bigger problems than not being together."
"Like what?"
"Like the only person that ever believed in me thinks I am a heartless bastard."
She sighed, "I.I don't think you're heartless."
"But?"
"But I don't trust you either. And we have nothing if we don't trust each other."
He nodded, "Alright. You tell me what I can to do make you trust me again, and I'll do it."
"Mr. Malfoy, you should leave now and let Ms. Granger eat. Look for her in the Great Hall tonight," Madam Pomfrey said as she walked in with a tray of food."
He glared at the older woman, "I told you I wasn't leaving."
"And I'm telling you right now to get out. Do not make me call your head of house and have him remove you."
His jaw was set in a straight line and he looked down at Hermione, "Name it?"
She sighed, "I don't know. You should figure it out."
He looked from the older woman to Hermione and sighed, "I'll see you tonight. I'll come by and get you."
"That won't be necessary."
"Yes it will," Draco and Madam Pomfrey answered. He offered the older woman a glare before he turned and left the infirmary.
Madam Pomfrey sat in a chair beside Hermione's bed as she placed the tray of food in front of her, "I must say, Ms. Granger, I do believe you end up in this place more than anyone else in the school."
She sighed, "I would have to agree, unfortunately."
"And I would also like to say that I prefer Potter and Weasley to Mr. Malfoy."
She took a piece of bread off the tray, "He's not so bad."
"Clearly you're more sick than I thought."
She gave a sad smile, "You could say that."
*~*
It was ten till five when he knocked on the picture frame and she sighed. She walked over to it and pushed it open to find him leaning against the wall. "How are you feeling?"
She nodded, "I'm fine. You don't really have to walk with me to the Great Hall."
"Well, get over it, I'm doing it anyway," he said snappily.
"You don't have to be so rude," she said closing it behind her.
He glanced over at her, "Same could be said to you."
She sighed, "I'm sorry that I'm not dealing with this in a way that doesn't inconvenience you," she said angrily.
"You're not an inconvenience."
"Well that's the way you're making me feel about it."
He shook his head, "Maybe you should stop looking for deeper meanings to everything."
"So your hostility isn't towards me?"
"Oh it is."
She stopped walking, "You're such an ass."
"I'm an ass?"
"Yes, you're an ass. You don't even care that I have my reasons."
"I care. But I had my own reasons for what I did and now you have yours. Only I'm supposed to feel like shit because of mine. I did it because you deserve better.and you.your reasons seem to be to spite me."
"I told you I don't trust you."
He nodded, "Yeah, you told me. You don't trust me and I'm pissed off about it. Not to mention that you can't seem to think of anything I can do to make it up to you."
"I just need time."
He shook his head, "Time for what? To see if you can ever trust me again?"
"Yes."
He frowned, "Let's just go." He turned and began walking away.
"Why do you always run away from your problems?"
"Because my problem at the moment isn't that I'm completely angry at you but also at myself! Because I know you aren't in my life anymore...but when we fight like this I want you more than I can even think about. And it was my fault that we're not together, but it's yours now. I came to you and told you how I felt! That wasn't good enough for you even though I'd never said anything like that to anyone in the past."
She shook her head, "So I'm supposed to take you back because you say you miss me?"
"My feelings go deeper than that, we both know it."
"No.Iwe/I don't."
"Is that what this is about? You don't know how I feel about you?" She was silent and he sighed, "Why is it that you're the only one who can't see it? Explain that to me. Why are you the only one who can't see that I'm crazy about you."
"You're crazy about me. That doesn't tell me much, now does it?"
He took a step back, "You want me to say it, don't you?"
She folded her arms over her chest, "I thought that I wouldn't need to ever hear you say it. I didn't think that hearing you say that to me would mean much of anything.but I need to. I need you to tell me you love me and mean it."
"That sounds a lot like an ultimatum."
"What are you talking about?"
"I either tell you how I feel, or we don't get back together."
She frowned, "That's not what I meant."
"Isn't it? You need to hear me say it and I'll probably gain a lot of trust from you because you know that I've never said that to anyone, much less felt it. So if I said it, I would mean it."
She sighed, "You either feel it or you don't."
"Whether or not I.I feel that way doesn't mean that I can just come out and say it."
"Why not?"
"Because I can't!"
"Well do you? Do you love me?"
He sighed and looked at the floor, "What would make you believe me, Hermione? You don't trust me."
"I would believe you for the reasons you've already said. If you don't love me you need to tell me now so I can start to move on. I can't spend the rest of this year wondering if you feel the same for me that I do for you."
He looked up at her, "Do you love me?" he asked softly.
"Yes," she whispered.
He looked at her, he was about to say something when the Gryffindors joined them. Harry stopped beside Hermione, "What are you doing standing in the hall?"
She looked over and Malfoy was gone, she sighed, "Hoping to get some answers."
He looked around, "Where did he go?"
"I don't know."
He sighed, "Come on. Let's get to the Great Hall."
She nodded and followed Harry to the Great Hall. She noticed that Draco's seat was empty and sighed. What had he been about to say? Was he going to tell her that he did feel it, or was he going to tell her that he didn't feel the same as she did? There were too many unanswered questions between them.
*~*
To be continued.
Thanks to the reviewers! I appreciate all the feedback!
Disclaimer: Characters not mine, plot it. A/N: This is not a song fic, but it is inspired by a song. IWhite Flag/I by Dido is it, but as I said, it doesn't necessarily flow with the song, it's just what I was listening to when I began writing it.
**********
She crawled out of bed at the pounding on the portrait frame. Her head hurt from crying herself to sleep the night before, and the dull ache seemed to spread to her heart. She sniffled a bit, trying to hold back the tears as she opened the door to reveal Harry and Ron.
At first sight of her their faces fell. Harry sighed, "What happened?"
"Nothing."
"Are you back together?"
She shook her head, "No."
"What did he want?" Ron asked following Hermione as she crawled back into bed. She was just thankful that it was Saturday, which meant she could stay in bed all day if she wanted.
"He wanted.he wanted to get back together."
Harry furrowed his brow, "And you didn't?"
She shook her head, "No."
"I don't understand this, Hermione. Here you were, three days ago, wishing you could have him back. He comes to you and says he wants you back and you turned him down?" Harry asked, confused.
"It's not that simple," she said sadly.
"Get off her, mate. Why do you care so much who she's with? Better for her that she didn't take him back."
He shook his head, "I don't care. But we want her to be happy and look at her, she isn't happy."
"I'm still in the room, you know," she added folding her arms over her chest.
Harry sighed, "Hermione, I know you have your reasons and I'm not telling you what to do, but you're miserable. So please explain to me why it is if this decision you've made has hurt you so much that you're sticking with it?"
She shrugged, "I don't know why, Harry. I was just looking at him and all this anger and sadness was on top of me. I wanted him to know what it was like to have his heart broken."
"What did he say?"
She shook her head, "I don't really want to talk about this, alright? Maybe tomorrow, but I just want to stay here for today."
Ron looked from Harry to Hermione, "No."
They both looked over at their redheaded friend confused, "What?"
"You're not going to mope around here." He shook his head, "Harry's told me to keep my mouth closed about this but I'm sick of it. Malfoy doesn't deserve to even be in the same room with you. He's not good enough for you and you don't deserve someone who treats you with such.recklessness."
"Ron."
"Hear me out before you tell me to shut up." He took a deep breath, "We, Harry and I, sat by and watched the two of you while you were together. And you may have been all happy on top of things, but you two fought too much and are far too different. You can say opposites attract all you want, but in your case it wasn't going to work. Malfoy is selfish and conniving."
Hermione shook her head, "Stop, alright?" She frowned, "I know you hate him. You can hate him all you want.but I'm not to the point where I can sit down with you and trade insults about him, alright?"
"No. It's not all right. Look what he's turned you into, Hermione. I understand that he broke your heart, but this isn't you. Be in love with him all you want but the more you show him how hurt you are the bigger his ego gets."
"Ron, shut up," she said softly.
"You're letting him win."
"Shut. Up. Now," she said, her anger barely hidden.
Harry grabbed Ron's arm before he could say another word, "If you value your teeth, I'd be quiet." Harry sat beside Hermione on the bed, "I know you can't help how you feel about him and if you do, at some point, decide to take him back, then you have to remember that things won't be the way they were before."
"Well apparently things weren't that great before, were they?" she said softly, trying her best not to cry.
"Why are you doing this to yourself?"
"Because Harry. Even after telling me he wanted me back he said he didn't see a future for us. Why should I."
"Because you love him. As much as I hate to admit that to myself, you do. He makes you happy and I have to say that he's much more agreeable when he's with you."
"You hate Malfoy."
"Which means you have to know how hard this is for me to say. You love him, he loves you."
"You don't know that."
"I don't know what?"
"That he loves me."
Harry shook his head, "It's obvious, Hermione."
"Oh is it? Then why can't I see it?"
"Because maybe you're just as afraid as he is."
She put her head in her hands, "Can you both just go? I want to be alone."
Ron shook his head and left quickly, obviously irritated about the way she was acting. Harry wrapped an arm around her shoulders and sighed, "I'm sorry you're unhappy, Hermione."
She closed her eyes, "Just go."
Harry left, giving one last look at his friend before he closed the portrait hole behind him. She rolled onto her side and tried to stop the tears as they threatened to slide down her face.
*~*
She had avoided her friends at all costs, even going so far as to go to the kitchen and ask Dobby to just bring her food in her room, but she didn't remember ever taking a bite of it. Most of the trays just sat on her table, untouched. But she had to do this to avoid her friends. She didn't feel like hearing another 'Love will save the day' speech from Harry and she didn't want to hear Ron speaking badly about Draco either. While she may have been mad at him, she still loved him. Her heart didn't just turn off like that. She had succeeded in avoiding them for a week now, sitting away from them in the few classes they had together and leaving before they could catch up with her. As for Draco, she tried to ignore him, but noticed his little looks every now and again. She'd glance up because she'd feel eyes on her and he'd turn away quickly.
She walked down the stairs to get to her potions class when she heard footsteps behind her. She turned to look and it was Draco, staring at the top of her head. He cast his eyes straight ahead of him as he breezed past her. She fought the need to cry as she pushed open the door. Less than a month ago they'd been standing in front of that very door kissing for the world to see, and now.she sighed. Now they weren't even on speaking terms.
Why did it have to hurt so much? Why is it that in the storybooks, the fairy tales, they never wrote about how much it hurt when the person you loved didn't return it? Why wasn't that ever taught to little girls when they were growing up? She realized that as children girls were sold this foolish notion that love was the 'be all, end all' which wasn't true. Even after you found out that the person you loved didn't love you back, life still went on. It hurt like hell, but you took each day with a painful breath because you couldn't have the one person you wanted. Life was twisted that way. But through her years at Hogwarts she'd come to learn that even happy endings come with unhappy results. She just didn't think that her relationship with Draco would be one of those unhappy results.
She'd thought when he first started pursuing her that it had something to do with getting closer to Harry so he could hurt him. But she'd realized in a short time that it had nothing to do with him. It wasn't until he'd given her a genuine smile that she began to loosen up around him. He was her friend before anything else. He appreciated her love for learning while she encouraged him to do things without worrying if he was besting someone. She remember the first time she told him she had faith in him, believed that he could beat Harry at capturing the Snitch if he worried more about catching it than one upping the other boy. He seemed shocked that she had not only given him a compliment but had told him that she believed in him. It was shortly after that when he revealed to her that no one, his parents included, had ever told him they believed in him. It was a big deal to him.
But that was all over with now, and she sighed as she looked at the back of his head, wishing for the pain to go away. She needed a cure for her broken heart. She needed something to get her mind off of how badly she missed him. But their separation was now her fault, wasn't it? He wanted her back and she told him no. He'd come to her, apologizing in earnest for what he'd done. She wasn't even sure if she forgave him for it. She'd struggled all week about whether or not it was the right decision. And if it was, why did it still leave her feeling like something was missing? She missed the way he would turn and look at her, giving her a little wink, before he'd start paying attention to the professor. Why couldn't it go back to that?
She sighed and rubbed her forehead, as she felt a dull pain throbbing against her skull. *~*
'We can't go back to what we were', he thought to himself. He could survive without her. He could live without ever kissing her again, or holding her. He shook his head slightly, knowing that was a complete lie. He only wished that he hadn't been so damn stubborn in the first place. Had he not been so afraid of her tossing him aside in the first place, none of this would have happened.
But it had happened and he was now alone, without Hermione. He wanted so much to be with her, to tell her all that he had left to say. He wanted nothing more than to tell her that every breath he took and thought that she could possibly hate him was utter agony. He wanted her. He wanted her back, but he'd be damned if he went to her again. She's the one that's keeping them apart now. She knows where he stands and if she wanted him back she would have to come to him.
He'd put himself out there on the line and she had kicked him off. He'd hate her for that if he had it in him. Then he saw her, making her way down to potions. He followed behind her, just wanting to get a good look at her before he went back to ignoring her presence. He could see her breath catch slightly when she saw whom it was behind her. He decided to just walk past her, afraid that he might actually stop her and say something else that would lead her to believe that he was an even bigger jerk than she already did. He opened the door for the potions class and took his seat in the front of the room. That way he wouldn't have to look at her the whole time. He didn't feel like putting himself through that today.
Professor Snape made his way into the classroom, said nothing to them as he pointed his wand at the board and the instructions for their potion appeared. This is what he needed. Mindless work that would allow him to tune everything out but the potion he was brewing. All he had to do was concentrate long enough and not allow his emotions to effect the outcome of such a simple little brew.
But that's all he was these days, complicated emotions, emotions that Lucius and his mother had never told him about. The few actual fairy tales he'd ever heard talked of romance, eternal love, all of which could over come anything. As he glanced back at her and watched as she poured a bit of something into her cauldron; he cursed the writers of such drivel. If that was true, why wasn't he with Hermione now?
She wasn't overly pretty. This was true, but it was the warmth within her that had drawn him in. He remembered her laugh and how infectious it was. He hadn't heard it in quite some time. Her eyes, usually lively and happy, seemed so sad, almost like she was constantly on the brink of tears. He looked away from her and slammed his vial of moonstone onto the table, causing several people, including Hermione, to look at him. He frowned as he went back to work.
He had almost every class with her. He rolled his eyes at his misfortune. Earlier in the year he'd been more than happy to be a little late to class because he'd stopped to give her a good snogging. Hermione hated being late, but he didn't think she'd minded so much if that was the reason.
He looked at his potion and realized that it wasn't the right color and it was fizzing when it should have been bubbling. He sighed, just something else he had to worry about. Good thing Snape liked him enough to not make him drink it. He looked back at Hermione and could see inside her cauldron that it was the right color. Amazing to him that she could still keep her head on with all that was happening.
He waved his potion away and gave a nod towards Snape before he collected his things and left the room. He'd wait for her. He needed to talk to her, to ease his mind because he really was going insane. He couldn't concentrate no matter how hard he tried. He leaned against the wall of the dungeon, waiting for her to finish up. But as students began filing out of the room, he knew she would be last. Snape even came out before Hermione, which meant that everyone except her had left already.
He opened the door and found her sitting on the bench, her fingers massaging her temples. He furrowed his brow as he approached her and took a seat beside her. He could see the look of pain on her face and he captured her wrist in his hand, "Are you alright?" he asked concerned.
He released her when she began to pull, "I'm fine."
"You don't look fine."
"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself."
He rolled his eyes, "I didn't come in here to fight with you?"
"Why not? It's what we're good at," she said as she gathered her things together and put them in her bag. She avoided looking into his eyes, but he didn't leave her side.
She stood and wobbled a bit, causing him to stand and steady her, "What's the matter with you?"
She shook her head and pushed him off, "Nothing, I'm fine. Leave me alone."
She took a few steps and stopped. He watched her carefully as she swayed on her feet before he caught her. "Hermione, you're not fine," he said as he scooped her into his arms and carried her out of the dungeon. Thankfully no one was in the hallway to block his path to the infirmary.
"Put me down, I'm fine," she said in a half-hearted attempt at fighting him.
"I know, you make a habit out of nearly passing out in class. That's normal behavior for you," he deadpanned hoping it would hide how truly afraid for her he was.
He finally reached the infirmary and Madam Pomfrey sighed, "What happened to her now?"
"I don't know. She won't tell me."
"Lay her over there and you get back to class."
"I'm finished for the day."
"Then go back to your common room. I don't need you under foot."
"I'm not leaving."
"I'll deduct twenty points from Slytherin for insubordination."
"Deduct it then, but I'm not leaving."
The older woman sighed and set to finding out what was wrong with Hermione. "So what happened?"
"Nothing, I told Malfoy I'm fine."
He frowned. She called him Malfoy. She hadn't called him that in a long time. He sighed as he sat on the bed opposite from her and watched as Madam Pomfrey looked her over. From what he could tell she didn't look like she was sick. Sure her eyes looked a bit glassy, but that was probably from her being sick, and it wasn't until Madam Pomfrey began talking that he looked away from her, "Ms. Granger, when was the last time you had something to eat?"
At her silence Draco furrowed his brow and added softly and slowly, "I haven't seen her in the Great Hall in almost a week."
The older witch's face grew stern, "Well, how about it Ms. Granger? When was the last time you actually ate something?"
She seemed to be ignoring them both and Draco shook his head, "Answer the woman."
"I don't know."
"Why haven't you eaten?"
"I haven't been hungry."
"Well, you'll stay in here until you do. You understand?"
"This is ridiculous."
Madam Pomfrey sighed, "You will not leave here until you've had a decent meal in your stomach. You will also go to the Great Hall for every meal." She looked up at Draco, "As Head Boy I will expect you to make sure she arrives there."
He nodded as he folded his arms across his chest. She hadn't been eating. That woman drove him mad. She claims to be fine when she's really starving herself, and for what? Because of him, a person who didn't deserve her to care about him.
Madam Pomfrey stood, "I'll be right back. I'm going to send for something from the kitchen."
Draco moved to sit on the bed beside her, "You've stopped eating?"
"No, I just haven't felt like it," she said angrily.
"Same thing! You're smarter than that! What the hell are you thinking?" At her silence he continued, "Look, I'm sorry you're unhappy and I'm even more sorry that I'm the cause of that, but damn it, Hermione, this isn't the way to deal with it."
"I didn't do this on purpose!"
"No! Neither of us ever seems to do anything on purpose! It's just the consequences of our actions that hurt the most. And you're.starving yourself."
"I didn't do it on purpose. I just hadn't felt like eating, alright? I had food sent to my room but I didn't feel like eating it, okay?"
"No, not okay. You're sick now."
"Just leave me alone."
"No."
"Yes."
"I said no, and there is no power great enough to make me leave."
She groaned, "I hate you."
"Yeah, well, what else is new? We spent the first six years of our lives here hating one another, why should things be different now?"
She folded her arms over her chest, "You're such a jerk."
"I'm a jerk because I care about what happens to you?"
"No, you a jerk for other reasons, you're an ass because you won't leave me alone."
"Well someone has to look out for you."
"And you gave that right up weeks ago."
He sighed in frustration, "I can't win with you. I said I was sorry."
"Sorry isn't good enough!"
"What is, with you?! I don't know what else you want me to say! Damn, Hermione, this is.this is crazy. We're both miserable, which was my making at the beginning, but it's not now. You're the one that's keeping us apart so don't place the blame on me anymore. I'm tired of feeling guilty about this. I want you back, but my apology isn't good enough for you. It's not me that doesn't care about your feelings because I think I care a hell of a lot more than most ex-boyfriends would, but it's you who doesn't seem to care about anything but her foolish pride."
"I want you to leave."
"And I want you to get it through your thick head that you will not drive me away. I thought I could go on the way I had before, but I can't. I can't go back to what I was before we were together and neither can you. But I don't want to either. You mean more to me than you'll ever know and it frustrates me to no end that you don't realize that. I'm not giving up. I thought I could just let you have your way about this, but I think I'm more stubborn than you are. So I'll wear you down."
She rolled her eyes, "Just stop, alright? Look, I didn't do this to myself because of you."
"Listen to me, stop trying to say things to make me leave or to make me quit worrying about you. It's not going to happen. I'm not giving up on us."
"What us? You threw it away."
"I didn't throw anything away. I did what I thought was best for you, only because I care about you. I know that sounds like twisted logic to you, but I don't think your judgement can be trusted all that much right now given that you've taken to not eating in order to solve your problems."
"What do you know about it? You parade around here like you haven't a care in the world. You're able to act normal and be like you were before this happened. I can't do that."
"It's not as easy as it seems. Do you really think that it doesn't hurt me? Do you really believe that I am so able to write off my feelings for you?" He sighed, "If you honestly believe that then we have much bigger problems than not being together."
"Like what?"
"Like the only person that ever believed in me thinks I am a heartless bastard."
She sighed, "I.I don't think you're heartless."
"But?"
"But I don't trust you either. And we have nothing if we don't trust each other."
He nodded, "Alright. You tell me what I can to do make you trust me again, and I'll do it."
"Mr. Malfoy, you should leave now and let Ms. Granger eat. Look for her in the Great Hall tonight," Madam Pomfrey said as she walked in with a tray of food."
He glared at the older woman, "I told you I wasn't leaving."
"And I'm telling you right now to get out. Do not make me call your head of house and have him remove you."
His jaw was set in a straight line and he looked down at Hermione, "Name it?"
She sighed, "I don't know. You should figure it out."
He looked from the older woman to Hermione and sighed, "I'll see you tonight. I'll come by and get you."
"That won't be necessary."
"Yes it will," Draco and Madam Pomfrey answered. He offered the older woman a glare before he turned and left the infirmary.
Madam Pomfrey sat in a chair beside Hermione's bed as she placed the tray of food in front of her, "I must say, Ms. Granger, I do believe you end up in this place more than anyone else in the school."
She sighed, "I would have to agree, unfortunately."
"And I would also like to say that I prefer Potter and Weasley to Mr. Malfoy."
She took a piece of bread off the tray, "He's not so bad."
"Clearly you're more sick than I thought."
She gave a sad smile, "You could say that."
*~*
It was ten till five when he knocked on the picture frame and she sighed. She walked over to it and pushed it open to find him leaning against the wall. "How are you feeling?"
She nodded, "I'm fine. You don't really have to walk with me to the Great Hall."
"Well, get over it, I'm doing it anyway," he said snappily.
"You don't have to be so rude," she said closing it behind her.
He glanced over at her, "Same could be said to you."
She sighed, "I'm sorry that I'm not dealing with this in a way that doesn't inconvenience you," she said angrily.
"You're not an inconvenience."
"Well that's the way you're making me feel about it."
He shook his head, "Maybe you should stop looking for deeper meanings to everything."
"So your hostility isn't towards me?"
"Oh it is."
She stopped walking, "You're such an ass."
"I'm an ass?"
"Yes, you're an ass. You don't even care that I have my reasons."
"I care. But I had my own reasons for what I did and now you have yours. Only I'm supposed to feel like shit because of mine. I did it because you deserve better.and you.your reasons seem to be to spite me."
"I told you I don't trust you."
He nodded, "Yeah, you told me. You don't trust me and I'm pissed off about it. Not to mention that you can't seem to think of anything I can do to make it up to you."
"I just need time."
He shook his head, "Time for what? To see if you can ever trust me again?"
"Yes."
He frowned, "Let's just go." He turned and began walking away.
"Why do you always run away from your problems?"
"Because my problem at the moment isn't that I'm completely angry at you but also at myself! Because I know you aren't in my life anymore...but when we fight like this I want you more than I can even think about. And it was my fault that we're not together, but it's yours now. I came to you and told you how I felt! That wasn't good enough for you even though I'd never said anything like that to anyone in the past."
She shook her head, "So I'm supposed to take you back because you say you miss me?"
"My feelings go deeper than that, we both know it."
"No.Iwe/I don't."
"Is that what this is about? You don't know how I feel about you?" She was silent and he sighed, "Why is it that you're the only one who can't see it? Explain that to me. Why are you the only one who can't see that I'm crazy about you."
"You're crazy about me. That doesn't tell me much, now does it?"
He took a step back, "You want me to say it, don't you?"
She folded her arms over her chest, "I thought that I wouldn't need to ever hear you say it. I didn't think that hearing you say that to me would mean much of anything.but I need to. I need you to tell me you love me and mean it."
"That sounds a lot like an ultimatum."
"What are you talking about?"
"I either tell you how I feel, or we don't get back together."
She frowned, "That's not what I meant."
"Isn't it? You need to hear me say it and I'll probably gain a lot of trust from you because you know that I've never said that to anyone, much less felt it. So if I said it, I would mean it."
She sighed, "You either feel it or you don't."
"Whether or not I.I feel that way doesn't mean that I can just come out and say it."
"Why not?"
"Because I can't!"
"Well do you? Do you love me?"
He sighed and looked at the floor, "What would make you believe me, Hermione? You don't trust me."
"I would believe you for the reasons you've already said. If you don't love me you need to tell me now so I can start to move on. I can't spend the rest of this year wondering if you feel the same for me that I do for you."
He looked up at her, "Do you love me?" he asked softly.
"Yes," she whispered.
He looked at her, he was about to say something when the Gryffindors joined them. Harry stopped beside Hermione, "What are you doing standing in the hall?"
She looked over and Malfoy was gone, she sighed, "Hoping to get some answers."
He looked around, "Where did he go?"
"I don't know."
He sighed, "Come on. Let's get to the Great Hall."
She nodded and followed Harry to the Great Hall. She noticed that Draco's seat was empty and sighed. What had he been about to say? Was he going to tell her that he did feel it, or was he going to tell her that he didn't feel the same as she did? There were too many unanswered questions between them.
*~*
To be continued.
Thanks to the reviewers! I appreciate all the feedback!