Chapter 17

Psychedelic Hollow

Itsmeocean@hotmail.com

"What came over you? I wouldn't expect this wild display from Joe and definitely never from you." Fenton eyed him grimly, sitting down on the austere armchair opposite Frank from across the massive study table. Frank slumped in his chair and dropped his head into his opened palms, breathing heavily while hoping his dad would go easy on him.

"Let's settle this one thing at a time. What's this between you and Callie?"

Frank rubbed his face, exhaling audibly, "Nothing."

"Nothing? I thought I heard you saying that Callie and you aren't getting married anymore."

"Right dad. Nothing. There's nothing between me and her now."

Fenton hunched over his desk, frowning with some annoyance, "Look, son, this is no time to go tight-lip on us. If you need help or anything…"

"I know, Dad. But this is my problem and I can handle it myself. Maybe we are still so young and we have never been extremely serious with anyone else. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be." Frank dismissed his father's concerns with a wave of his hand. He was aware that it was shame which was constricting his chest, making it difficult for words to flow out of his heart. And he knew his stubborn pride had bottled up his need for a confidante. But cognizance of his weaknesses was all he had- he still could not open up to his father and admit his failings. How could he? He was their perfect son- the one who did no wrong. And he didn't want that image to crumble for their sake. Already much damage had been done by his willful rage.

"I wouldn't expect this wild display from Joe and definitely never from you."

 "I'm really okay."

Fenton eyed his shrewdly before his mien relaxed. Letting out a sigh in capitulation, he unlocked a shelf beneath his desk and drew out a dusty, velvet ring box. Opening the lid slowly and almost too cautiously, he took out an antique ring set with a brilliant-cut diamond bordered by tiny sapphire stones. Smiling admiringly at its dazzling luster, he presented the ring to Frank who took it, a little baffled.

"What's this?"

"Unless you and I are both blind, it's a ring." Fenton drawled wryly, "An antique ring. It belonged to your great grandmother. Your mom wanted one of her own so I didn't use it for her proposal ring. But we both think such history should be handed down. It was supposed to be a gift from us to you and Callie when the both of you are married."

Frank smiled cynically, placing the ring back into the velvet box, "I sense a story."

"Only the simplest story of love. Your great grandmother and great grandfather marriage didn't come easy. Her family was rich and already betrothed to someone else. But she fell in love with your great grandfather and, despite her family's objections as his family wasn't of the same status as theirs, she fought for her freedom and her love. They were together in the end and that also explains why we are not wealthy." Fenton eyed the ring wistfully before raising a brow at Frank.

"She fought for her love and lived the creed of, 'you should only be with the person you can't live without.'. The ring signifies it. You see, if Callie is meant to be yours, she will be but you have to put in effort. If you don't fight for her and she turns out to be the girl you cannot live without, then you will have deserved not having her by your side. I'm not saying Callie is the girl of your dreams. It can be anybody. So I'm letting you keep this ring as a reminder that your wife should be as important to you as your life. You must be worthy of this ring or you'll have to return it to me."

"I don't even want it in the first place." Frank muttered, closing the lid. He pushed the box towards his father and leaned back against the seat, "It's your ring. You keep it. You and mom are worthy of it surely."

"No, son. You don't get what I mean. You want the ring, of course. Not the ring per se but what it symbolizes." Fenton smiled at him wisely, "Who doesn't want the joy that comes with true love?"

"Dad…" Frank fidgeted in his seat, rather uncomfortable to be discussing the meaning of love with his father. Fenton raised a hand up to halt his protest.

"Think about it, Frank. I don't know what's wrong between you and Callie and I know how stubborn you can be when it comes to hoarding woes and worries. However, I know she means a lot to you for you to have lost control the way you did. Let the story of the ring be a guide for you. In life, there aren't many things worth fighting for that are as important as love itself."

Grudgingly, just to stop his father from spouting lines inspired by afternoon re-runs of soap operas, Frank swiped the box and stuffed it into his pants' pocket, standing up as he spoke next. "Okay. I will think about it. Dad, can I crash in here for the night? I'm in no mood to drive."

"Of course. The couch's all yours."

"Thanks." Frank stretched himself, unable to help a yawn which almost split his cheeks. "And now you have a bigger problem."

"Hmm?" Fenton stood up as well, ready to turn in.

"You may have to plan on how you are going to tell Joe you're not showing favoritism by giving me this ring."

"Oh." Fenton wrinkled his nose, his arms akimbo. "Hmm. Well… hmm…."

"Good night, dad." Frank spun around, about to exit the room when Fenton suddenly broke away from his train of thoughts and called out from behind.

"And don't forget. You did beat up your brother. But I wouldn't worry about the physical assault as much as what you have said. You have to deal with that yourself."

Yes, Dad. How can I forget it? What can I do? I didn't mean it but I can't take back spilled milk.

Frank paused for a moment, cleared his throat, and wordlessly left the study.

***

It isn't in Joe's nature to tell on me behind my back. He will leave it to me to sort this out myself.

But if it isn't him, then who?

And damn! Why did I shoot my mouth off like that?

Frank gave up trying to drift away and sat up on the couch, looking down onto the floor while steadying his breathing in a bid to calm his noisy mind. His t-shirt, which he borrowed from his father, was plastered on his back, drenched in his sweat which wasn't a consequence of heat alone. Shaking his head, he glanced at the self-illuminating clock- at least two futile hours were wasted as he tossed and turned, trying to slip into slumber land. Making a mental note to drive back to his apartment before anyone woke up, he lethargically groped his way in the dark into the kitchen for a drink, his earlier misdeeds haunting him with the trepidation of having to initiative the patching up of things with all who he had hurt.

How am I going to do it? Maybe I should just wait. That's right. Wait until…

Until he forgets about it? He's never going to forget about it. We are never going to forget about it.

He gulped down the drink and went out into the backyard for some fresh air. Ah, oxygen. Just what he needed to clear his mind for a little while. The tempting idea of escaping from his insurmountable troubles, even if it was just for a second or two, seemed so demandingly strong that he was reminded of Justin and Colin. Perhaps the two misguided youths had felt the same way he did then- the never-ending commentary of his failures replayed over and over again in his mind could very well catapult him onto a high speed lane and soon to a resonant crash.

And then nothing. Nothing.

So they sought drugs to end their pain- to fill a hollow they couldn't understand. And surely they were only accelerating towards their doom with gradually diminishing hope of a detour unless they could brake in time. And he? He wasn't stupid. There were other ways, healthier ways, to achieve an ephemeral retreat before setting foot into reality again.

Other ways like a long vacation. Joe had his seven-year Sabbatical. It was perhaps time for Frank to leave everything behind and go somewhere to sort out his life, maybe obtain that Master or Doctorate, an ambition he had always played with but never really hankered after.

He looked up at the sky and let out a soft, cynical laugh. What was it about people looking up to the sky when they were shellac by their troubles? Sure, the universe was almost eternal and infinite, and he was but a tiny speck of dust compared to it. Nonetheless, the universe knew nothing of his existence and he wasn't in love with its galaxies, planets or stars. He was in love with Callie Shaw and Callie Shaw was his universe. That was gone. Aggravating matters, he had beaten up his brother and said the words that could only be borne out of a poisonous heart- a heart that was his, even if it was only for a wretched moment.

His brother was therefore, gone as well.

Blasted be the Universe. It didn't care about him. And he didn't care much for it. The whole world could be made up of only Earth or even just an island and he wouldn't give a damn. No matter how vast it was, looking up into the sky would not solve his problems.

He had to solve them himself. With God's grace, maybe he could bring something good out of this mess. Another light caught his eyes, not those dancing sparkles from the stars or the subdued yellow of the moon. It was florescent, white and emanating from his brother's bedroom.

So the kid's awake too.

Wait, Joe isn't a kid anymore. He's an adult and he has a kid in every sense of the word…

Should I apologize now? He must be pacing up and down his bedroom- he always does it and it drove me silly each night he couldn't sleep because he would wake me up with the incessant footfalls…

Right. We used to be so close…

So close.

As much as Frank hated to admit it, he knew that there was some distance between his brother and him. They kidded around and he could feel the same old protective wings extending out from his back to cover his younger brother but somehow, something was missing. Something he couldn't put a finger to. Seven years. Joe was no longer a confidante he could spill everything out to.

"…Why did you have to come back anyway? You're always causing more trouble for everyone!"

 His own words made him cringed.

Lost in his thoughts, it came as a shock to him when he realized that somehow, he had wandered all the way from the backyard to the front Joe room's door. How he managed to climb up the stairs in the dark without tripping he would never know.

Thud, thud, thud…

The footsteps grew fainter then louder before it stopped. A soft creak marked the beginning of a few seconds of silence before the sounds of agitated footfalls started filling up the barrenness of the night again. Frank raised his hand to knock on the door but couldn't bring himself to do it. Joe would definitely be furious still and another explosion wasn't what he was looking forward to.

His hand fell limply by his side and he turned, about to walk away when he jumped at the sight of Hallie sticking her head out of her bedroom door. Her luminous eyes shining in the dark reminded him once again of the wrong he did his brother.

"Hello." Hallie greeted him quietly, rubbing her tired eyes, "I can't sleep. It's too noisy."

"I know." Frank whispered brokenly. Hallie took over his old room and she must have been woken up by Joe as well. The walls were too thin, "I can't sleep too."

"Why? Is it because you and Daddy fought?"

Frank approached her and bent over, ruffling her hair. "You saw everything?"

"I heard some noise so I went to the window and saw you and Daddy fighting. Why did you two fight? Did you break daddy's toy? Daddy's always angry when I break or lost his toys." Hallie questioned him out of inquisitiveness and some concern. Frank shook his head and smiled gently.

"No. I fought with your daddy because I was angry at him for something that he didn't do."

"If he didn't do it, why should you be angry? Or was he supposed to do it and he didn't?"

"It's a misunderstanding. I got angry at him which I shouldn't have and said some horrible things."

"Oh…" Hallie scratched her ringlets, "Then you should say sorry. Did you say 'crap' or ' SOB' to him?"

"Ahm, Hallie…"

"If you didn't, then maybe it's not so bad." Hallie fully exit from her bedroom and took his hand, "Come with me. When I make Daddy angry because I was naughty, I say sorry and it's okay. He's all smiling again."

"I can't say sorry to your daddy now. Maybe later." Frank patted the hand which was holding on to his but Hallie didn't let go. She tugged his hand harder and looked up at him earnestly.

"Isn't sooner better than later? Then you'll have more time to be friendly again instead of feeling bad… I know Daddy feels bad too, which is why he keeps walking and walking and walking- up and down, up and down…" She rolled her large eyes and pouted, "And waking me up!"

"Sometimes Hallie, it's not easy to say sorry… ahm… sooner." Frank couldn't argue with the wisdom in a child. However, for that moment, he was actually more predisposed towards jealously guarding his guilt. Joe needed time to cool down and maybe tomorrow, he would saunter into the office, smile at Frank, make some wisecrack and all would be forgiven without him having to take the agonizing initiative.

"It's easy to say sorry. Oh…oh. I got to go." Hallie released her hand and slipped inside her room, "Goodnight."

"It's okay, sweetie. Want to go down for a glass of milk or something?"

"No…" Hallie pointed behind him, "Got to go. Byebye! Got to sleep now!"

"Good." Joe's voice gave him a mild jolt. He turned around slowly and saw his kid brother in an oversized thin white t-shirt and shorts, looking at him expectantly. The light from Joe's room faintly illuminated the corridor, bathing the surrounds in ghostly, dimmed light. When he heard Hallie's room door close, he threw Joe a shaky smile and gestured vaguely around.

"Did we wake you up?"

"You know I didn't sleep a wink. It's too hot." Joe shook the front of his t-shirt to generate some mild breeze up his face, "Why are you loitering outside my room? You have something to say?"

"I, ahm…" Frank stretched to his full height and scratched the back of his head, "Hmm…"

"Nothing? Well then, goodnight. I'll see you in the office later." Joe spun around. Frank felt his chest twisting really badly but the desired words which could untangle the veins and muscles just couldn't find escape.

"Isn't sooner better than later? Then you'll have more time to be friendly again instead of feeling bad…"

"Wait, Joe… I have something to say."

Joe halted but didn't turn around. He placed his hands on his hips and simply waited.

"I guess… well, I didn't mean a thing I said… I mean, I did think that you have spilled the beans to Callie but I should have realized that you are not that kind of person. And as for… well… the other thing I blurted out…" Frank bit his lips and dropped his head. Apologizing was arduous on a hot summer's night.

"What thing? I don't recall anything." Joe turned around and shrugged cavalierly, "Good night."

"No, wait." Frank stretched his hand out as if by some invisible force, he could force Joe to relent, "You know what I said about you coming back and all…"

"Me coming back and causing more trouble for everyone. You didn't want me to come back." Joe stated, twisting his lips slightly, "You spoke from your heart as your mind isn't there to censor what you feel. So, I guess the truth is out. But I'm not going to pack my bags just because you don't want me here."

"No, I want you back home- here. I… Joe, let's talk in your room, shall we? I bet mom, dad and Aunt Gertrude have their ears pasted on their doors, listening to everything we say." Frank mustered up a smile and gave Joe a half-shrug, "What do you say, brother?"

Joe frowned at him, folding his arms, "Okay. But the walls are thin still so we'll have to speak quietly. Good night everyone! Go back to sleep!!"

Murmurs could be heard immediately and Frank could hear the pitter-patters of reluctant footsteps fading into the night. Smilingly, he nodded towards Joe's room and both brothers ambled inside silently.

"They never change." Frank started first, sitting down on a chair opposite Joe who had made himself comfortable cross-legged on his bed, grabbing a pillow and pressing it against his chest.

"Yup. They pretend to leave us alone but there'll always be this metaphysical cord tied around our necks to their wrists."

"Right. Adults! They just want to poke their noses into everything."

Joe laughed lowly, mirth sparkling in his eyes. Then, as if he remembered that he was supposed to be angry, he pulled his lips down into a scowl again, glowering at Frank menacingly.

"You want to talk, so talk."

Even though Frank knew Joe's anger had already subsided, he still couldn't bring himself to easily apologize. It wasn't because he didn't think he was in the wrong. On the contrary, he knew that he was at fault and most deserving of any distress Joe's resentment towards him would cause. And because he was well aware of his sins, he found it extremely difficult to ask for forgiveness as he didn't think he earned it.

"Joe, I… I'm sorry."

"Truly sorry?  Like your intestines have all shriveled up, your tongue is twisted into a thousand twirls and your chest is smashed kind of sorry?"

Frank grimaced, "Gruesome…"

"I haven't talked about your stomach exploding inwardly and your toes all cut off… hmm… well.." Joe's lips thinned with contemplation, "That's gruesome…"

"Those and more. Maybe my eyebrow pulled out strand by strand with a pair of rusty tweezers." Frank raked his hair and put on a doleful look, "Forgive me, kiddo?"

Joe twisted his lips this way and that before his face fell, crushing Frank's heart. The mood became all somber and serious- no more jesting or grisly imageries to distract from the awful shadow that had befallen the brothers after the fight. Now their talk would start, or rather, become a proper picture rather than the sketches they doodled at random since Joe's return.

"I'm hurt by what you said, yes. But I take that it was anger talking rubbish so I'll try to forget about it. However, it pained me more that I don't know a single thing about you, Nancy and Callie- and that's huge! After what Nancy told me, after how Callie came by to interrogate me… I realize that there is a huge chunk of your life that I don't even know a thing about. It didn't use to be this way, Frank. We are brothers. You can tell me anything. Then it hit me…" Joe looked up at him, his bright eyes tapering with grim revelation, "That my hiatus has caused us to drift apart more than we will both like to admit."

Frank stared his brother for a prolonged second. Joe had taken the words right from his mouth. They had been skirting the aftermath of his protracted vacation for far too long and the sudden return to initial imminence was forced at times. He didn't know why but his eyes begun to tear- the distance- they had masked it up with slaps on the back, hugs, name-calling, scuffles and alike but it was there.

"Hey, don't be such a pansy! I didn't say all those stuff to make you cry!" Joe grabbed his cotton blanket and handed it to Frank. "Here, you can use this to wipe your eyes. Gosh! You're an embarrassment to the male species!"

Not knowing how long had it been since Joe laundered his sheets and linens, Frank declined with a shake of his head, swiping his eyes with the back of his right hand, "It's okay. I guess it just hit me then. We are willing to die for one another but we can't confide in each other that much anymore."

"We can… maybe… maybe it was pride that force us to clam our mouth shut. I mean, I have to admit- I was too embarrassed about the failure of my marriage such that I didn't say a word. You had to hear it from Vanessa… a long time after it happened."

"Right. And I cheated on Callie, something a perfect man wouldn't do. Or at least, someone touted to be responsible and sensible all his life. It isn't easy for me to…" Frank let out a huge breath, feeling a burden off his back, "To tell someone, especially you, of my wrongdoings and the webs I've tangled myself in. I mean, I'm always chiding you about playing the field and here I am, breaking two wonderful girls' hearts."

"Hey, don't dethrone me as Casanova, bro.  You know I won't judge you. I don't approve of your actions but I won't judge you." Joe clapped his shoulder, smiling genuinely, "Really. I'm glad we finally admit that we do need to work on bridging that distance and be brothers again."

"We are always brothers, Joe. It doesn't change. Don't look at me like that- I don't have a choice either." Frank added the last bit laughingly when he saw the expression of aghast on Joe's face, "I was born first. You must have wanted me to be your elder brother so much that you jumped into mom's womb."

Joe stuck his thumb into his throat and gagged.

"C'mon, you know I speak the truth.  Forgiven?"

"Forgiven." Joe stood up and stretched his hands out, "We're probably a little too old for this but…"

Frank chortled, struggling up as his legs were a little numbed, and completed the brotherly embrace, thumping Joe's back hard a couple of times, "Nay, kiddo, we are never too old to be brothers and hug each other."

"Pansy. Don't worry about Callie, all right? One thing at a time, bro. If you need time off, just let me know. I can handle Justin's case alone." Joe pulled away, resting his hands on Frank's shoulders, "I will even ask Dad for help."

"It's all right. I'll just leave my shredded marriage plans till later. Justin's innocence comes first and now that he's lying in the hospital… it seems more urgent for us to get this finished. But Joe, after this case, after I settled things with Callie, do you think you can be on your own for a while?" Frank implored quietly, looking into his brother's eyes and hoping Joe could understand without much need for more words.

"You're planning on taking off? What if Callie and you patch up?"

"Even if we do, things will not be the same again." Frank stumbled over to Joe's bed and sank down into it, burying his face in his hands, "I need to take off for a while for myself, Joe. Any later and I know I'm going to crash."

"Frank…" Joe breathed, settling down beside him and draping an arm across his shoulders, "You don't have to take off. You can, I mean, talk to us, let us help. Let me help. I know my absence had been tough on the family and you. And I know how you stress yourself up so much just to be perfect and how you tend to protect those your love obsessively. But you don't have to be… you just got to be you and learn to let go. Don't you see, Frank? We are not judging you. You are judging yourself and you're running away because you fear to meet our eyes."

Frank rubbed his temples, hunching over forward, "No, Joe. You're not totally right. I just want a break. Maybe I stress myself up too much or maybe I'm really escaping as the whole town will know about our shattered wedding bells. But I really want a break."

He didn't look at Joe but he knew Joe was beginning to understand. In silence, they accompanied each other for a few minutes, listening to the occasional songs of the crickets and the ticking of the alarm clock in Joe's room. Finally, Joe squeezed his shoulder.

"I understand, big bro." Joe began softly, "Go have a good rest. Tomorrow is going to be another long day. We owe it to our clients to be in tip-top condition of body and mind."