***

You don't remember me but I remember you

I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you

but who can decide what they dream?

and dream I do...

Have you forgotten all I know

and all we had?

You saw me mourning my love for you

and touched my hand

I knew you loved me then.

                        Evanescence

***

Ryan stared at his new cell phone, a gift from Sandy after the whole Oliver mess. Of course, he hadn't called it a gift, he merely said that Seth had one for emergencies and so should Ryan.

He debated calling Theresa. He could talk to her, he trusted her, but he'd eroded that trust when he'd slept with her and asked her to stay in Newport. He'd been so confused. He wasn't in love with her, he just needed her. Then she'd called Eddie and had altered the course of her future, because of him.

He couldn't imagine the pain he must've caused her when she'd, no doubt, realized the truth; he wasn't in love with her, that he'd used her to try to mask his pain. Now she was gone. He knew that even if he tried to call her, to tell her that he was sorry, she wasn't going to listen to him. Just like he didn't want to listen to Marissa.

As much as he wanted to cover it all up, he'd screwed up, just like Marissa and the Cohens had screwed up with him. He just couldn't deal with his own fault in all of this; it was a sign of weakness and something that should be bottled up at all costs. That was what his mother had always said.

He pocketed the phone, walked over to the liquor store, and bought a bottle of whiskey using his fake ID. Jack Daniels, his mother's favorite.

He exited the store with his brown paper bag tucked under one arm and walked back over towards the beach, choosing the cool shade underneath the pier to drink and wash away his feelings.

***

Marissa watched the hands of the wall clock drift from one second to the next. The day seemed like it was never going to end. She had to find Ryan, she wasn't giving up on him. She knew that she'd messed up with him and Oliver. How could she have been so stupid? How could she have thought that Oliver was just a friend who didn't have expectations of her?

Her whole life, she felt as if she always had to be something to somebody, as if that was the only way she could get someone to love her. She'd felt that with her parents, Luke, Summer, Dr. Kim, and then Ryan. When her world had seemed perfect, when she'd finally convinced Ryan to be with her, she'd lost control.

She'd tried to talk to Ryan about it, but it seemed as though he didn't want to hear it. In relation to his problems, she felt stupid for ever feeling sorry for herself, so she tried to bottle it up. That was when she'd gotten so messed up with the shoplifting and the drinking. She'd been trying to take control of something, to break the pretty little mold of expectation that everyone seemed to have of her.

***

As Ryan finished off the bottle, he examined his watch. It was almost 3:00 p.m. and he was too shit-faced to go home. Tucking his backpack behind him, he slid down in the sand and rested his head against the canvas fabric. He was just going to take a nap before he had to go home.

"I just want everything to go back to the way things were."

"Can't we just forget what happened with Oliver?"

"Why can't you just forgive me?"

He woke up to the sound of a car backfiring in the nearby parking lot. The sun was setting and his watch said that it was 5:30. "Oh shit," he said to himself as he got up. The last thing he needed was more questions about where he'd been.

He got up and leaned against on one of the pylons. The whiskey was still lingering, but after he stopped swaying, he knew that he could fake sobriety well enough. He'd certainly had enough practice in that arena.

He reached down to grab his backpack and brushed the sand off of it as he started walking back up towards the house.

***

"Seth, do you know where Ryan is? Dinner's ready and he's not out in the pool house."

Seth looked at the clock above the oven. It was 6:30 and he hadn't seen Ryan since last night. Marissa had caught up with him at lunch and said that he'd ditched Lit class again. Seth had tried calling Ryan's cell, but he never answered.

"No mom, but we got a lot of homework in history class, so maybe he just got caught up in study hall."

Seeing his mom's worried face, Seth started up towards his room, "I'll try him on his cell." He hated lying to her.

***

Ryan saw that the kitchen lights were on, so he snuck around the backside of the pool house again and let himself inside. He needed to get cleaned up before facing the family at the dinner table. His eyes were bloodshot, and he was covered in sand. He didn't have time to take a shower, so he stripped down and wiped himself down with a damp bath towel.

He heard a vibration coming from the bedroom; it must be his cell phone. He'd kept it on vibrate and had been ignoring Marissa's calls all day. In the dark, he crept over to the desk and picked up the phone seeing Seth's bedroom phone number on the caller ID.

"Hey Seth, what's up?" He asked casually.

"Dude, where are you? My mom is kinda freaking out and dinner's ready. Did you ditch school today?"

"Seth, everything's cool. I'm in the pool house and I'm just changing my shirt for dinner. I was studying and lost track of time."

"Yeah, that's what I told mom." Seth's voice was dripping in sarcasm. They both knew that Ryan hadn't been in school.

Ignoring the tone, Ryan said, "Thanks man, I'll be there in just a second."

***

Ryan went back into the bathroom to give himself another once over. He'd used some Visine to clear up his eyes, and changed clothes. He ran his fingers through his hair and decided that this was about as good as it was going to get.

He let himself in through the back patio slider and saw Kirsten first.

"Ryan honey, come on in. Dinner's ready. Seth said you had a lot of homework?"

Ryan gave a quick look at Seth, who was giving him a look of his own. Turning his attention back towards Kirsten and sitting down at the dining room table, Ryan said, "Yeah I was studying. Dinner smells good."

***

After dinner, Ryan said that he was really tired and needed to do some reading. With that, he quickly retreated to the pool house.

Seth called Marissa before following Ryan out there. He wanted to let her know that Ryan had come home, and that he was going to try and talk to him again. The last thing he needed was Marissa showing up.

He knocked twice and then walked in to find Ryan lying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

"Hey man, can I just ask what's going on with you?" Seth asked as he settled himself down in one of the chairs by the window.

Ryan sat up in bed; his face was a blank slate except for a forced smile. "Nothing man, I'm just tired that's all."

"Yeah okay, except that you weren't in school today and there is no huge homework project. Come on man, I lied for you, I'm here for you. Can't you just tell me what's going on?"

Ryan's smiled melted just a bit. "Nothing man, everything's fine, I just needed some time for me that's all."

"Oh, and you didn't get that during all those days that you were suspended?"

"Look Seth, everything's fine with you and me. I didn't feel like dealing with Marissa and wanted to be left alone, okay?"

Seth wasn't sure if Ryan was being honest with him or not. "Look man, I know that things with Oliver got messed up, but Marissa is no guiltier than I am, and you've forgiven me, right?"

Seth could see that he struck a nerve with Ryan because his face suddenly flushed, so Seth continued. "I know that she broke your trust man, and I also know that she's really sorry. You wanted to be with her for so long. Look at all the fights and stuff you got into just to be with her. So why are you willing to just throw it all away now? Haven't you ever fucked up and asked for forgiveness?"

"It's not that easy Seth. I'm really tired okay? I'll see you in the morning." With that, Ryan rolled over and turned the bedside light off.

"Forgiveness man, that's what love and family are all about, okay?"

Not getting a response, Seth turned and let himself out.