***
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
You used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now I'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
Evanescence
***
Ryan had tried to sleep. He was tired and drunk enough that he should've been able to sleep like the dead, but he just lay there, staring at the wall.
He wasn't really mad at Marissa, this wasn't entirely her fault. She loved him, even when he hadn't been there for her. Oliver had made him insecure, reminded him of the outsider that he was, and he acted like a nut case. As he'd watched his new friends become mesmerized by Oliver, Ryan had flipped out. He'd known that Oliver was bad news, but he'd handled it all wrong. He really only had himself to blame for the whole mess.
"You'd better listen up boy. Don't ever let someone else blame you for shit, because as soon as you say you're sorry, you're nothing but a fucking loser. You hear me, kid? You'll be nuthin'. No one will ever respect you or love you if they see you as a loser."
Ryan woke up. The sun was beginning to rise and the bedside clock said that it was 6:00 a.m. He rolled over, still replaying his mom's voice from his dreams.
"Ryan, the only person you ever gotta answer to is your momma. I'm the only person you should ever say you're sorry to, otherwise, you're nuthin'."
She was drunk when she'd gone off on him with those lectures. She'd never made much sense, slurring her words and spitting out cuss words while she spoke, but her words haunted him. He looked over at the fold out couch where he knew that he'd hidden another bottle of Jack. When did this happen? When did he become like his mother?
Seth's words came floating back to him as well. "Forgiveness man, that's what love and family are all about, okay?"
He didn't want to be like his mother. Not anymore. He got up and retrieved the bottle from under the couch and began pouring it down the bathroom sink. Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "Enough is enough, mother. I don't want to be like you. I've never wanted to be like you."
He walked back to the bed and grabbed the phone.
"Hello?"
"Marissa, hi, it's Ryan. Can you come over? We need to talk."
"Yeah, sure, I can be there in about 20 minutes."
"That'd be perfect."
Before she arrived, he wanted to go talk to Seth.
He ran his fingers through his hair and threw on a pair of jeans and a T shirt. Good enough.
He knocked softly on Seth's door and heard a muffled "What the hell?" from within. He opened the bedroom door.
"Hey Seth, can we talk?"
Seth sat up in bed rubbing his eyes. "Yeah man, come on in."
***
10 minutes later, Ryan re-emerged from Seth's room. He wanted to make sure that he was in the pool house when Marissa got there. Seth had been taken aback by what Ryan had said, and despite what his mom had always told him, Seth seemed to have even more respect for him.
"Man, I had no idea how you were feeling. I knew that we'd screwed up, but I never had any idea that you felt guilty, too."
"Yeah well, guilt isn't something I've ever been good at. I lashed out at what was convenient. In this case, it was Marissa. I couldn't be mad at myself because of my mother, or at you guys because you're family. So I directed all of my hurt into anger at her."
"Do you love her, man?"
"Yeah, I do, and I need to tell her that before it's too late."
***
Ryan was sitting on a patio chair near the pool house when Marissa walked up the driveway. He got up as she approached. "Thanks for coming over."
He could see the hesitation on her face. She was guarded at this point, afraid of being hurt worse. He deserved that.
"Let's go inside where we can talk. I have some things that I need to explain to you."
She looked as though she couldn't decide whether or not to go inside, whether or not she could trust him, but he smiled and placed his hand at the small of her back as he opened the door.
"Marissa, I need to say I'm sorry. It was never really you that I was mad at. I feel like I really let you down."
***
"Seth, isn't that Jimmy Cooper's truck out front? Is Marissa here?"
Kirsten was looking quizzically at her son as she got bagels and coffee ready for breakfast.
"Yeah, I think she and Ryan are talking in the pool house," he said, as he grabbed a bagel and a mug.
"Is everything okay?" Sandy asked from the breakfast nook.
"Yeah, I think so."
"Hey, are there any bagels left for us? I'm starving," Ryan said, as he and Marissa walked in through the back slider. His arm was around her waist and they were both smiling tentatively.
After everyone had grabbed a bagel and was eating at the breakfast nook, Ryan clasped Marissa's hand and cleared his throat. "I need to borrow a car today. I need to go see Theresa after school, to straighten things out with her."
Sandy looked between Ryan, Marissa, and Kirsten before tossing his keys to Ryan. "Yeah, sure kiddo. You can take my car."
***
Ryan turned off the car engine as he sat in front of Theresa's house. Her Chrysler was in the driveway. He hoped that she would agree to see him, since she wasn't taking his calls.
He got out of the car and walked slowly up to the house. He saw the edge of the curtains move in the living room and then Theresa's mother opened the door.
"Ryan! How good to see you again, mijo! Theresa is here, but she didn't tell me you were coming over." She reached out and embraced him in a hug before he could say a word.
When he pulled away, he could see Theresa standing behind her mother and glaring at him.
"Hey Theresa, I was hoping that we could talk."
She didn't say a word, she didn't need to. She gave him a look and he followed her to her bedroom.
She sat on the edge of her bed, forcing him to sit on her dresser. Her face was cold and determined, but he knew that underneath it all she was hurting.
He sat down and took a deep breath. "Listen, Theresa, you're closer to me than anyone else in this whole world. The last thing I would ever want to do is to hurt you, but I did, and I am so sorry."
Theresa let out a sigh. "So Ryan, you're asking for my forgiveness? What about Marissa? Have you asked her for forgiveness yet?"
What he'd said about her had been true. She knew him, and without him saying a word about Marissa, she knew; and she wasn't going to sugar coat anything.
"Yeah, I talked to Seth and Marissa this morning. I told them about my mom. I told them how I'd been holding so much anger against Marissa because I couldn't deal with myself, or the Cohens. Now I'm here with you because you're one of the most important people in my life, and I messed that up."
Theresa stood up from the bed and looked out the window. A tear threatened to roll down her cheek, but she fought the urge to show him any emotion. Without turning to face him, she said, "Fine. Eddie says he'll wait for me anyways. Maybe I was meant to be with him after all."
Ryan got up and reached out to put his hand on her shoulder, she flinched at his touch. "Theresa, we've always had an unbelievable bond, and I never want to lose that, but I think that we both know that we weren't meant to be together beyond that. I am so sorry."
The tear gone, she turned around to face him, her voice nearly a whisper. "I know. Everything will be okay." She reached out to give him a hug. She was going to miss him, but she was happy for him with his new family and girlfriend. He deserved it.
The End.