Xander walked across the construction site, one hand wiping at his streaming brow as he listened with half an ear to the carpenter who matched him stride for stride. At the door of the site's temporary office, he nodded his agreement to the other man's one-sided discussion, scuffed his heavy boots on the grungy mat in a cursory attempt at cleanliness, and pushed open the door to step into the chilled air of the building that was little more than a metal box on wheels.
He sat heavily at the desk, staring with unseeing eyes at the stack of neglected paperwork that required his attention. Ever since the fiasco that should have been his wedding had occurred, he'd found it harder and harder to concentrate. If he didn't snap out of his stupor soon, he'd find himself scouring the want ads for another job. He wondered fleetingly if the Double Meat Palace was hiring.
His hand strayed toward the beckoning papers, but found an overturned picture frame instead, lifting it almost reverently. The photograph was one Dawn had taken while she'd waited for Buffy at the Magic Box after school. He remembered clearly Anya's disconcerted expression when she had realized Dawn intended to take their picture. It had taken him several minutes to convince her she looked beautiful despite the long hours she'd worked on inventory that day. His fingers trailed across the glass of their own accord, trying to trace the curves of the face they knew better even than his own.
He loved her still, he'd never be able to deny it. Regardless even of his knowledge of her time spent more or less in Spike's embrace, he loved her. Even the fact that she had reverted to being a demon hadn't destroyed his feelings.
Not only did he still love her, he blamed himself for the predicament they were wedged into. Yes, he had walked away from the wedding out of fear of what he might possibly become but that didn't seem to be enough to justify the consequences. He had harbored so many fears of turning into the human monster his father was that he had needed to step back for a while, he never thought to explain his concerns with Anya.
He chuckled sardonically. Of all the horror they survived each day, all the demons and attempts at destroying the world, it had been his own silence that had pushed Anya back to D'Hoffryn and even into Spike's arms.
The office door opened suddenly, causing his fingers to lose their grip on the picture. It fell to the desk, shattering the glass much the same way he imagined he shattered Anya's faith in humanity, not to mention her heart. He had single-handedly killed the one human for whom he had cared the most. You always hurt the ones you love…
"Xander, they need you outside."
He nodded at the journeyman and slowly rose from the desk. He would have to stop by the craft store on his way home from work to replace the glass he'd just destroyed. He only wished Anya could be so easily mended.
*** ** ***
The front door of the Magic Box opened, filling the shop with the tinkling of bells and drawing Anya out of the storeroom. The smile she had forced to her face in order the greet her customer faded to hesitant caution when she saw who the visitor was.
Buffy stood immobile just inside the shop. "Umm. Hi, Anya."
"Hello." Anya stepped closer to the counter, moving aside a bit so that she stood behind a display of crystals. "What's wrong? Is--anyone hurt?" Her breath hitched, causing her to stumble over the words.
Buffy smiled slightly. "No, don't worry. Xander's okay, at least physically. I just—" she paused, unsure how to proceed, "I guess I was worried about you."
Anya's brow furrowed in confusion. "But you know that I'm a vengeance demon. You were here when Willow—"
"Yeah, I know," Buffy said, stopping Anya's words. "But, well, Dawn said she saw you at the store. She said you looked pretty green. Everything's alright, isn't it?"
Anya picked up a long slender crystal. She's crossed paths with Dawn the morning after her trip to the pharmacy. She'd almost dropped the armload of pregnancy and baby magazines she'd been carrying and nearly called off her search for saltine crackers when she'd spotted the teen. But when Dawn took one look at her and spun around in the opposite direction, Anya knew it wouldn't have mattered if she were nine months pregnant with triplets, the teen was far too angry to notice.
"Everything's," Anya searched her mind for the right word, but nothing seemed to fit. She shook her head, instantly regretting her decision to make such a sudden movement.
Her doctor had assured her that although most women experienced morning sickness in their first trimester, it was perfectly normal for it to extend into the second. Anya wouldn't have minded except that it was also extending into the afternoons.
Without a word to Buffy, Anya darted to the bathroom, slamming the door shut but unable to lock it in her rush to the toilet.
Buffy stared at the bathroom door, frozen by Anya's sudden flight. Trying to ignore the sounds that emanated from the small room, she walked closer, waiting for Anya to emerge. After several minutes, Buffy opened the door to find Anya at the sink, her face flushed and damp.
"You're not okay."
"I'm fine," Anya insisted, "the doctor said—" she stopped speaking as soon as the words were out of her mouth, wishing there was some way to take them back.
"Doctor? What doctor?"
"My doctor," Anya insisted, refusing to explain further. The sound of the door opening again saved her from further questions and she slipped past Buffy.
Anya spent as much time as she could helping the older man who had wandered in asking for directions to the Bison's Lodge, but even her detailed instructions and hand-drawn map only managed to kill fifteen minutes. Buffy was still there when the door opened again to allow the man to leave, but she had moved to stand behind the counter, her eyes falling on the pile of magazines and books that covered the surface.
She met Anay's eyes in silent understanding and tried to put the pieces of the mystery jigsaw puzzle together as quickly as her addled brain would allow. "Does he know?"
"That man? I just told him how to get there, I'm sure he'll find it unless he comes across a demon first," Anya said, trying to backtrack.
"I meant Xander."
"Xander knows where the lodge is," she snapped. "That's where we were supposed to get married."
Buffy sighed, gesturing toward the reading material she had stumbled across. "I meant does Xander know about the baby?"