... we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything
happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number, really.
How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your
childhood, some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you
can't even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times
more. perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full
moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless.
Paul Bowles.
************
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure, of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
************
I hate mornings, especially this one. Today I have to give Uncle Donnie my essay, about when I came to live here. But it's also part of my past, a past I'd rather forget. He had given me a week to complete it, I had finished it in three days. Since it was done I had been acting a little differently. You see my uncles and Splinter had tried to get me to talk about what happened and I did, but it was not something that I really wanted to keep alive. After a while I had told them I didn't remember much of what happened back then and on the whole they seemed to believe that. But as much as I try to forget, as much as I would like to forget, I don't think I ever will and that scares the shit out of me. Uncle Donnie said that if I handed it in on time that I could have the rest of the afternoon off. I didn't want the afternoon off, I wanted to work, that way I wouldn't be thinking so much about it.
************
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I've become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
************
I had already given it to him and now I sat in the kitchen trying to tune out Uncle Mikeys voice as he made some sandwiches for lunch. He set a plate down in front of me and then got his own, I could see him looking at me every so often, but he said nothing. After a while we were joined by dad and Uncle Leo, they had been in the dojo practicing and doing katas.
"Hey, Mikey you didn't make food for us." Dad said. Mikey glared at him in mock anger.
"You could always make your own, Raph. You're not helpless." He said. I pushed my plate across the table towards them.
"You can have mine I'm not very hungy." I said quietly. I could see the look dad cast my way.
"No, that's ok. I'll make some more." Uncle Mikey said. I shrugged my shoulders.
"Is something wrong, Elizabeth?" Uncle Leo asked. He nearly always called me by my full name, I hated that.
"No." I answered shortly.
"Are you sure, you don't look great." He continued. I don't know what happened then, I just lost it, my chair crashed backwards as I stood up and slammed my fist on the table, which cracked under the force. I wanted to say something then, I'm not sure what, how could I make them understand how I was feeling? What was really wrong inside. No one could understand, especially when I wasn't even sure I did. Instead I stormed out of the kitchen, behind me there was silence. I walked straight to the door.
"Lizzie...where are you going?" Dad had come out after me. I didn't even look back at him.
"Out." Was all I say.
I sloshed through the sewers and out through a manhole cover. I don't know where I'm going, or why I'm going there. Eventually I find myself outside the building that was once Shredders. What it is now I don't know, I don't think I want to. Not long after I came to live with the Turtles and Splinter Donatello did some tests on me, for illnesses and stuff I guess. What he found out though was something he didn't expect; I was Shredders daughter, as had been my older sister Cyladriel. I remember how afte he found out Uncle Leo hadn't been to sure whether I could be trusted, at the time I didn't understand why, but I hated him for it. Eventually Dad had told him that if Uncle Leo wouldn't accept me then he would find somewhere else for us, Uncle Leo finally decided that I would not grow up to take over what remained of Shredders clan. But every time I had a disagreement with Uncle Leo I always felt like that was hanging over my head, my past coming back to haunt me in more ways than one. I stared up at the building for a moment before stepping inside the doors. Inside was dark and damp, like no one had been here in a long time, maybe they hadnt I don't know.
************
Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart, right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
An' every second I waste is more than I can take
************
A place I wanted to forget, to pretend had never existed. I knew that I never would, like a wound that doesn't bother you, but it won't heal, you know it's there but there's nothing you can do about it. I walked slowly up the stairs, the elevator was broken. Apparantly no one had taken over this building since Shredder had left. I didn't want to be here, and yet I knew that I had to do this. Strange how live goes sometimes isn't it? My life probably started out here, and now it was going to end here. I entered the lab silently, it was still the same as I remembered it. So innocent looking, and yet I knew what they had done to people here. Remember the lab in that old Frankinstein movie? This one was nothing like that, it was clean and usually well lit, with state of the art instruments. Oh you don't know that part do you? You see after Shredder had my arms bone replaced with metal he decided that he was going to see if he could do the same to the rest of my bones. I stood now next to the very same table that I had been strapped to then. And like he usually did he had not given me anything to dull the pain of them cutting me open, something about not wanting to ruin the surprise. I could remember the look on my uncles and on Dads faces when I had told them that, how was I to know that sort of stuff wasn't normal? It happened on a regular basis, if I wasn't being sliced open, then I was being burned, or beaten...or something much worse. Once I had taken some food that someone had left behind, Shredder had told me that he would make sure that I never did it again, he had broken my hands and shattered the bones of my fingers. I can't make a fist, or hold some things properly. I remember after coming to live with my family that I had always been dropping stuff, including Splinters favourite teapot. Uncle Leo had told me not to be so clumsy, I had told him that if he had his hands smashed he wouldn't be able to hold stuff either, and like so many other things back then I didn't understand the look he had given. But I did notice that after that he had gone to great lengths to not say anything that might remind me of my past. Apparanly I wasn't the only one who wanted me to forget everything. In a fit of anger I lashed out one of the trolleys that held instruments on it, and it clattered to the floor scattering its contents. I slammed my fists into the tables and kicked the walls.
"I can't ever get away from you can I? You're dead and you can still remind me of just what people are capable of doing. I hate you! I hate you!" I screamed in a blind rage. Although whether it was Shredder I hated or myself I'm not sure.
************
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I've become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
************
Then I spotted one of the fallen scalpels and snatched it up. The question now was, would I cut my throat or my wrists. It was that simple or that difficult, depending on how you look at it. I sat on the floor holding the scalpal. Then I lifted my hand and noticed the scars that lanced down my arm and hand. I heard a noise of to my left, but didn't look up as I pressed the scalpal to my wrist.
"No!" I heard Dads voice yell. And one of his sai flew through the air to knock the scalpal from my hand, but not before I had managed to slash my wrist, blood gushed over my hand and stained the floor a dark red, I wanted to just lie down on the floor and wait for death to take me. Then my father was next to me, my uncles not far behind him. He dropped to the floor beside me and pulled my head into his lap, his other hand reaching out to grab my bleeding wrist.
"Donnie! Shit! What have you done, Lizzie?! Donnie!" He cried desperately. Uncle Donnie however had already seen what was going on and had his ever present bag open and bandages in his hand. He quickly wrapped it around my wrist.
"No, let me die. I don't want to do this anymore." I moaned.
"Christ why'd you do that, Lizzie?" Dad asked. I didn't want to look at him, but eventaully I had to, there was a sadness in his eyes.
"Don't want to live anymore. Not in his shadow."
"What are you talking about?"
"Growing up to do what he wants me to be, I don't want to do that. Ask Uncle Leo he knows. I'm going to become his succesor one day, isn't what they say about people's children; when they come of age, they take over the family business. Don't want to be the one who kills and hurts other people for fun." I said, starting to cry.
"You should have left me here to die. Who needs saving to become something they hate later on?" Dad glanced at Uncle Leo then, then back down at me.
************
And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you
************
"You don't understand. You saved us. You saved me, I was so anger back then, anger at everyone and everything. I didn't want anyone to see just how afraid and insecure I was feeling inside, because if they did they wouldn't want to know me anymore. You saved me from myself. I know it sounds selfish, but if you do this then I don't know if I can go on. Live is hard, but I want you to know that you can always talk to me about whatevers bothering you. I'll never turn you away or tell you I don't have time to listen." I heard murmurs of agreement from the other.
"Not everyone follows in the footsteps of their genetic parents. Some of them follow the path better path." He said. I looked up at again, knowing that he meant what he said. Slowly I nodded, he smiled down at me.
"How about we go home?" He asked. He picked me up in his arms, like he used to when I was small and I felt save and protected and loved. Something which I had forgotten about, within moments I fell asleep.
************
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I've become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
************
Paul Bowles.
************
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure, of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
************
I hate mornings, especially this one. Today I have to give Uncle Donnie my essay, about when I came to live here. But it's also part of my past, a past I'd rather forget. He had given me a week to complete it, I had finished it in three days. Since it was done I had been acting a little differently. You see my uncles and Splinter had tried to get me to talk about what happened and I did, but it was not something that I really wanted to keep alive. After a while I had told them I didn't remember much of what happened back then and on the whole they seemed to believe that. But as much as I try to forget, as much as I would like to forget, I don't think I ever will and that scares the shit out of me. Uncle Donnie said that if I handed it in on time that I could have the rest of the afternoon off. I didn't want the afternoon off, I wanted to work, that way I wouldn't be thinking so much about it.
************
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I've become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
************
I had already given it to him and now I sat in the kitchen trying to tune out Uncle Mikeys voice as he made some sandwiches for lunch. He set a plate down in front of me and then got his own, I could see him looking at me every so often, but he said nothing. After a while we were joined by dad and Uncle Leo, they had been in the dojo practicing and doing katas.
"Hey, Mikey you didn't make food for us." Dad said. Mikey glared at him in mock anger.
"You could always make your own, Raph. You're not helpless." He said. I pushed my plate across the table towards them.
"You can have mine I'm not very hungy." I said quietly. I could see the look dad cast my way.
"No, that's ok. I'll make some more." Uncle Mikey said. I shrugged my shoulders.
"Is something wrong, Elizabeth?" Uncle Leo asked. He nearly always called me by my full name, I hated that.
"No." I answered shortly.
"Are you sure, you don't look great." He continued. I don't know what happened then, I just lost it, my chair crashed backwards as I stood up and slammed my fist on the table, which cracked under the force. I wanted to say something then, I'm not sure what, how could I make them understand how I was feeling? What was really wrong inside. No one could understand, especially when I wasn't even sure I did. Instead I stormed out of the kitchen, behind me there was silence. I walked straight to the door.
"Lizzie...where are you going?" Dad had come out after me. I didn't even look back at him.
"Out." Was all I say.
I sloshed through the sewers and out through a manhole cover. I don't know where I'm going, or why I'm going there. Eventually I find myself outside the building that was once Shredders. What it is now I don't know, I don't think I want to. Not long after I came to live with the Turtles and Splinter Donatello did some tests on me, for illnesses and stuff I guess. What he found out though was something he didn't expect; I was Shredders daughter, as had been my older sister Cyladriel. I remember how afte he found out Uncle Leo hadn't been to sure whether I could be trusted, at the time I didn't understand why, but I hated him for it. Eventually Dad had told him that if Uncle Leo wouldn't accept me then he would find somewhere else for us, Uncle Leo finally decided that I would not grow up to take over what remained of Shredders clan. But every time I had a disagreement with Uncle Leo I always felt like that was hanging over my head, my past coming back to haunt me in more ways than one. I stared up at the building for a moment before stepping inside the doors. Inside was dark and damp, like no one had been here in a long time, maybe they hadnt I don't know.
************
Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart, right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
An' every second I waste is more than I can take
************
A place I wanted to forget, to pretend had never existed. I knew that I never would, like a wound that doesn't bother you, but it won't heal, you know it's there but there's nothing you can do about it. I walked slowly up the stairs, the elevator was broken. Apparantly no one had taken over this building since Shredder had left. I didn't want to be here, and yet I knew that I had to do this. Strange how live goes sometimes isn't it? My life probably started out here, and now it was going to end here. I entered the lab silently, it was still the same as I remembered it. So innocent looking, and yet I knew what they had done to people here. Remember the lab in that old Frankinstein movie? This one was nothing like that, it was clean and usually well lit, with state of the art instruments. Oh you don't know that part do you? You see after Shredder had my arms bone replaced with metal he decided that he was going to see if he could do the same to the rest of my bones. I stood now next to the very same table that I had been strapped to then. And like he usually did he had not given me anything to dull the pain of them cutting me open, something about not wanting to ruin the surprise. I could remember the look on my uncles and on Dads faces when I had told them that, how was I to know that sort of stuff wasn't normal? It happened on a regular basis, if I wasn't being sliced open, then I was being burned, or beaten...or something much worse. Once I had taken some food that someone had left behind, Shredder had told me that he would make sure that I never did it again, he had broken my hands and shattered the bones of my fingers. I can't make a fist, or hold some things properly. I remember after coming to live with my family that I had always been dropping stuff, including Splinters favourite teapot. Uncle Leo had told me not to be so clumsy, I had told him that if he had his hands smashed he wouldn't be able to hold stuff either, and like so many other things back then I didn't understand the look he had given. But I did notice that after that he had gone to great lengths to not say anything that might remind me of my past. Apparanly I wasn't the only one who wanted me to forget everything. In a fit of anger I lashed out one of the trolleys that held instruments on it, and it clattered to the floor scattering its contents. I slammed my fists into the tables and kicked the walls.
"I can't ever get away from you can I? You're dead and you can still remind me of just what people are capable of doing. I hate you! I hate you!" I screamed in a blind rage. Although whether it was Shredder I hated or myself I'm not sure.
************
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I've become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
************
Then I spotted one of the fallen scalpels and snatched it up. The question now was, would I cut my throat or my wrists. It was that simple or that difficult, depending on how you look at it. I sat on the floor holding the scalpal. Then I lifted my hand and noticed the scars that lanced down my arm and hand. I heard a noise of to my left, but didn't look up as I pressed the scalpal to my wrist.
"No!" I heard Dads voice yell. And one of his sai flew through the air to knock the scalpal from my hand, but not before I had managed to slash my wrist, blood gushed over my hand and stained the floor a dark red, I wanted to just lie down on the floor and wait for death to take me. Then my father was next to me, my uncles not far behind him. He dropped to the floor beside me and pulled my head into his lap, his other hand reaching out to grab my bleeding wrist.
"Donnie! Shit! What have you done, Lizzie?! Donnie!" He cried desperately. Uncle Donnie however had already seen what was going on and had his ever present bag open and bandages in his hand. He quickly wrapped it around my wrist.
"No, let me die. I don't want to do this anymore." I moaned.
"Christ why'd you do that, Lizzie?" Dad asked. I didn't want to look at him, but eventaully I had to, there was a sadness in his eyes.
"Don't want to live anymore. Not in his shadow."
"What are you talking about?"
"Growing up to do what he wants me to be, I don't want to do that. Ask Uncle Leo he knows. I'm going to become his succesor one day, isn't what they say about people's children; when they come of age, they take over the family business. Don't want to be the one who kills and hurts other people for fun." I said, starting to cry.
"You should have left me here to die. Who needs saving to become something they hate later on?" Dad glanced at Uncle Leo then, then back down at me.
************
And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you
************
"You don't understand. You saved us. You saved me, I was so anger back then, anger at everyone and everything. I didn't want anyone to see just how afraid and insecure I was feeling inside, because if they did they wouldn't want to know me anymore. You saved me from myself. I know it sounds selfish, but if you do this then I don't know if I can go on. Live is hard, but I want you to know that you can always talk to me about whatevers bothering you. I'll never turn you away or tell you I don't have time to listen." I heard murmurs of agreement from the other.
"Not everyone follows in the footsteps of their genetic parents. Some of them follow the path better path." He said. I looked up at again, knowing that he meant what he said. Slowly I nodded, he smiled down at me.
"How about we go home?" He asked. He picked me up in his arms, like he used to when I was small and I felt save and protected and loved. Something which I had forgotten about, within moments I fell asleep.
************
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I've become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
************