So there it was. A chu-chu. Green and springy and gelatinous, a stupid smile drawn across its face, between me and the treasure. It was a weird dream. During the past couple of months, I had become a bonified expert at dungeon-crawling, having fumbled my way through a volcano, a crypt, and a host of other places I rather not talk about now. As different as those places were to one another, they all had one thing in common—they were dark. Often times all I had was the light of one measly torch to light my way.
But in the dream, everything was different. All around me was the whitest, brightest white imaginable. Just white. No torches, no moblins, no skulls. Just me, the treasure chest, that stupid blob and white. Extremely weird stuff.
I unsheathed my sword. I didn't really want to kill the thing; chu-chus are about as intelligent as a wad of ear wax. They only have three reactions to things: fight, flee, ignore. I was hoping it would flee. I pointed my blade at the space between its two bulbous eyes.
Now, this is the point when things started to get weird….
I try to say "shoo!" but my mouth refuses to work.
Weirder still, I don't have a mouth!
"Hooh!" is about the best I can manage. Dropping my sword, I bring my fingers to where my lips are supposed to be and all I can feel is skin stretching from my nose to my chin. Nose to chin. Nose, chin. Nose, chin. Nose-chin-nose-chin-nose—
I screamed. "Mmmmmmmmmmmmpppppphhhhhh!"
And if that weren't horrible enough….
"Hmph?" I look down to see my feet start to bob up and down uncontrollably. I try to get them to hold still and that's when I notice that my sword is back in my hand—except it isn't my sword anymore! It's huge! Probably twice as long as I am high; way too big for anyone to actually use, and yet I'm holding it with one hand like it it's a feather. The tip sparkles making "shing" sounds as it does so.
I looked to the green chu-chu in horror as a floating rectangular… thingy pops into existence beside it. On it was the following text:
Beast: Chu-Chu
HP: 5
Action
Before I could "hmph" in confusion, the word "Action" turned red and made a "click" sound before pooping out three more words. Now the thingy read:
Beast: Chu-Chu
HP: 5
Action
Attack
Guard
Flee
Now, I didn't know what the heck was going on, but I could read. And seeing that at that moment I couldn't move under my own, instead bobbing up and down like an idiot, the last thing I wanted to see was the word "Attack" turn red and make a "click" sound—which is exactly what happened next.
Moving at a clip impossible for a living globule of grease, the chu-chu slid towards me and stopped just short of my boots. Then it reared its huge "head" back as I desperately tried to get out of the way. The thing head-butted me with a loud "splat" and the pain was like getting hit in the gut with a water balloon—shot from a cannon at point blank range.
The lights black out for a second, but I snap out of if in time to see the chu-chu slide back to its original spot with the same impossible speed.
Still bobbing up and down against my will, I struggled to catch my breath through my nose. Another hit like that and I'd lose consciousness, leaving me at the mercy of that jelly monster.
At that moment, I remembered something old Doc Bandam had told me about chu-chus that I didn't find very interesting at the time, but that now had taken a whole new significance. According to him, chu-chus catch their food by first stunning them with a quick bop to the head, then engulfing them into their bodies to digest. According to the doctor, their favorite foods included crabs and small rodents, but they weren't really picky eaters. In fact, a chu-chu'd eat just about anything it could get its "hands" on… which would be me if something good didn't happen fast.
Luckily for me, something good didn't take very long in showing up….
I looked to my right as a little floating rectangular-thingy of my own appeared. On it was my name, my "HP"—whatever the hell that was—and most importantly, the word "Action."
I watched as my "HP" sank from a 1180 to 1175.
"Oh," I said absent-mindedly, "'HP' is my, uh… Health… Potential…"
Several beats passed before I realized that I could speak again. I tried moving my fingers and nearly cried as they wiggled before me. Strangely enough, though, I still didn't have a mouth… I just talked through my cheeks.
"Alright, you little bastard," I yelled, fumbling with the curse, "I tried to be nice, but you had to do things the hard way…."
Pushing the rectangular thingy to the side, I lifted my humongous sword and lunged toward the chu-chu with a murderous scream….
The next thing I knew I was on the floor with blood running from my nose to my chin.
I cursed as my HP dropped from 1175 to 1173.
I got up. Apparently, there was an invisible wall separating me from my target. I couldn't say that I was surprised—crazy stuff like that was apparently the norm here… wherever "here" was….
"Okay," I muttered through clenched face, "guess I gotta play by the rules."
I walked over to my rectangular thingy and stared at the word "Action." Not knowing what to do, I said, "That one," and waited for it to turn red.
Nothing happened.
The chu-chu made a sound that kind of sounded like laughter.
That was the last straw. "Just you wait, jelly-boy," I shouted as I reared my fist, "as soon as I figure this out, you are DEAD!" I punched the floating thingy angrily. To my surprise, I heard a "click" sound and when I turned back to the word "Action," it was red and had brought along some friends….
I tested the air with my sword and found it force-fieldless.
"Alright then!" I yelled as I punched the word "Attack" and I lunged through the air, whacking the offending blob with the broad side of my sword.. It splattered with a satisfying "fluwapa-splat!" and its HP withered down to zero.
A triumphant fanfare rang out of nowhere, while I, for no reason at all, rested my sword atop my shoulders and jutted my other arm forward, my thumb pointing towards the heavens.
Then I said, "That was a close one!" while my "Exp. Points" accumulated in my floating rectangular-thingy-thingy.
After the music faded away and I regained control of my body, I stood in silence for a long while as the green remains of the chu-chu jiggled in the white.
I looked at the treasure tiredly. "God*, that was stupid…."
* * *
I walked over to the chest. It was a small thing, standing no taller than about two feet; its wood was splintered, moldy, and the iron bracing was rusted and seemed ready to crumble. The lock in particular was practically dust, so when I used my sword like a crowbar it literally burst in a cloud of gray and red.
I kicked the thing open and was greeted with nothing: no weapon, no key, no rupees—not even a stinking necklace….
Sighing, I was about to turn to leave when something caught my eye. From the bottom of the chest came a tiny glimmer of light.
"Well, well, well," I said reaching into the darkness, "guess this wasn't a total loss…."
I groped around until I felt something smooth and cold—like a rupee. My heart began to beat faster.
The jewel was the size of a normal rupee, only a little larger than a fingernail, yet it felt heavy in my hand. I brought it up to the light. If I hadn't already been asleep, I probably would have fainted.
I thought it was only a legend.
A silver rupee… the Jewel of War. It was real—the rupee that had brought two great kingdoms to their knees in the time before even the Great Hero was real. And I had one in my grasp.
I peered into the jewel. It was perfect. No clouding. Pristine. Priceless. With this, Grandma and Aryll could have whatever they desired; they'd never have to work for anything ever again….
Slowly, I brought the silver rupee to my wallet as if it were something fragile—as if the slightest breeze could shatter it.
Then it began to shake. Within my clenched fist, the rupee began to tremble. Surprised, I looked at my hand as the shaking became stronger and stronger, until my hand was a blur of movement before me.
Finally, it became unbearable. I let go and the rupee leapt from my hand and hung motionless in the air, inches from my face. I watched as a black speck appeared at its core and slowly spread like an evil fog until the jewel was like the essence of a storm out at sea.
It was now a black rupee.
I looked on in horror as the rupee shattered and its dark contents spilled onto the white like bile. It was then that I realized that it had all been a dream—a nightmare!
The black puddle grew rapidly and I had to back away to keep from becoming stained. After a while, it grew still, and I watched from several feet away as it shone murderously in the white light.
And that's when he emerged.
A dark giant from a past no one remembered, save for the legends passed down through the ages. It rose from the oily muck, towering over me, with a face that was mine and not mine at the same time. The statue of the Great Hero—black as fresh blood—stood staring down upon me with eyes of fire.
The look on his face was of rage and anguish—an expression straight from Hell—and it spoke to me.
Your life will be suffering from now on….
I fell to my knees.
….then you will vanish….
*The inhabitants of the Great Sea say "God" in reference to one of the three Goddesses. Try to guess which one! Well, actually—to be perfectly honest and all—there's no reasoning for this other than the fact that "God, that was stupid" sounds better than "Goddesses, that was stupid." My responsibilities as a writer supercede those as a video-game geek. Sorry….