The Filching Song (to the tune of Tom Lehrer's The Hunting Song)

I'll always catch the witches

Too bad I can't give them stitches

Oh, weren't those the days?

I'm just a' Filching so I say!

Why I'll just punish them the maximum that Albus will allow,

Have them trampled by a starved flesh-eating cow.

I am in no mood to be good

So I won't though I know I should

So I start to stalk my prey,

Maybe Potter I'll catch today,

And then I will joyfully punish him, the maximum allowed,

Have him trampled by a starved flesh-eating cow.

Why I'm just goin' a'Filching

Hoping to find the lil' tykes pilfering

And how can I not, I always do,

When Ms. Norris's bloodshot eyes I see,

She'll lead me to real sweet victory

And if not, then why of course I'll sue!

People ask me why I'm so mean,

It's cuz I turn a shade of green,

When I see their fabled wands,

Especially those of the son of Prongs.

So I'll punish them the maximum that Dumbledore'll allow,

Have them trampled, as I'm laughing, by a starved flesh-eating cow!