A/N - This is part four of five - all from Sandy's point of view. It's fairly short so I won't hold out on the last chapter for too long. Thanks so much to everyone that reviewed, I really appreciate it. Enjoy!

Sandy

-The Illustrious Issue of Pride-

"I'm going to bed," I'm drawn out of my contemplative trance by my wife's soothing voice.

"It's only ten o'clock," I comment, pointedly gesturing towards my watch, trying not to sound too critical in fear of sparking another one of our recurring, senseless arguments that unfortunately, seem to be the theme of our relationship lately.

"I know, but I'm exhausted and I have an early morning tomorrow - meetings with contractors starting at seven-thirty."

I rub my eyes, suddenly aware of how tired I am as well, "Now that you mention it, an early night would probably do me some good too. I'll be up in a few minutes. Seth said he'd be home by eleven, but I don't think I'm going to last until then. Makes me think he's got the right idea," I say, motioning towards Ryan, whose position has changed a few times since I first spotted him dozing on the couch.

Kirsten doesn't respond, her face etched with concern and indecision. I can tell she yearns to do more for Ryan - to be more to him - but there's something that prevents her from following her heart. She jerks her head sideways to face me and forces a smile before turning to make her way upstairs.

I close the paper that I had been aimlessly flipping through, and fold it into a neat square. A rustling sound comes from Ryan's direction, and I watch him roll onto his side in his sleep. Throughout the evening, he had been subconsciously making his way into the prone position that it would appear he has finally accomplished.

I know that we signed on to be the parents that Ryan never had, but what I didn't understand was that Ryan had already learned to live without parents; he had adjusted accordingly and proved to himself that he didn't really need anybody but himself.

How do you insist that someone be completely dependent on you? I think that we've made the effort to include him in everything that we represent as a family, but it's a gamble as to what he's going to accept and what he will balk at. All too often I feel like it's one step forward, two steps back. He makes it such a struggle when we try to do something for him - and gets quite flustered and upset when we insist on helping him despite his constant recoiling. It's almost like he's most comfortable when it appears like we just don't give a damn - when we make no attempt to help. Unfortunately for him, I can't be that kind of parent.

Before us, he didn't have to explain himself to anyone. He had one person to impress and that was himself. Sometimes I feel like he's misconstruing his own opinions of himself into what he assumes we think of him. I thought that maybe if we told how proud we were of his grades and his soccer, he would feel better about himself. Instead, it seems like every time we dish out a compliment, he changes the subject and awkwardly avoids eye-contact.

What I wouldn't give to just get the slightest insight into his brain - even just to know what he's thinking a quarter of the time. Maybe then, Kirsten and I would be able to understand what we should be doing to make him feel and act like a normal teenager.

Maybe we're just spoiled with Seth - if you could call it that. I mean, the kid tells you every single thought that passes through his head - and there are a lot of them. At least it's not such a guessing game when it comes to parenting, as it all too often is with Ryan.

He's such a good kid. But it's so important to constantly remind myself and him, for that matter, that that's all he is - a kid.

I try to put on a tough front with Kirsten, act like Ryan's quietness and defensiveness are only temporary and it's nothing to worry about. I try saying it out loud, "He's defensive because that's all he knows," in a lame attempt to try and convince myself in the process, but I think that she finds it strangely comforting. I know that she constantly worries about him - loses sleep over him - and if she knew that I too, am lost and confused, it would only add to her worries.

We went into this with the 'we'll treat him like we treat Seth' attitude, but that was quickly banished once we realized that Ryan would be gone for good the second we applied the same rules - emotionally and maybe even physically.

Seth needs to be yelled at, but that just doesn't work for Ryan. To yell at him would be to alienate ourselves further than we already have. Not that there's a double standard when it comes to discipline - they both have to abide by the rules of the Cohen household - but everything else is different. Emotionally, they are day and night, and it's a constant guessing game when it comes to our parental duties.

If it were Seth that was sick at that gas station today, he would have been buried by Kirsten's fussing within seconds of his return. In fact, I try to avoid any form of illness simply out of fear of her 'motherly' care - but hey, she means well. Instead, the mutual awkwardness that exists between them kept her from acting on her instincts, adding to the growing distance between Ryan and herself.

She's scared that he'll reject her, and he's scared that we'll reject him. It's the illustrious issue of pride that keeps them from being mother and son. Maybe they're more alike than they think.

I suppose that Kirsten's not alone; it's not like I did anything to help the kid. It was so clearly evident that he was not well, and neither of us took any form of initiative to take care of the problem. Sure, he didn't want us to - in fact, it was obvious that he feared it beyond words - but as parents, it's our duty to make our children as uncomfortable and awkward as possible. At least that's what Seth says.

I know that I should probably wake him up so he can get a proper rest in his own bed, but he actually almost looks comfortable now, and I can't imagine that he feels like moving. Noticing that he still has his shoes on, I reach down to untie his laces, recognizing that his feet are hanging off the edge of the couch - Ryan hasn't touched his soles to the fabric. It's like he's intrinsically driven to do the right thing, even when he's enveloped in such a deep state of sleep.

I try to slide the shoes off as delicately as possible - he moans lightly, but doesn't wander back into the world of consciousness. I realize that for someone who's usually so acutely aware of everything that's going on around him, Ryan must be truly exhausted to not wake up while I clumsily de-shoe him.

I grab the throw that is folded on the arm of the couch, gently open it up and drape it over Ryan's sleeping form. He moves slightly, turning his face further into the cushion, but doesn't wake.

He looks so unbelievably young - so unprotected and unguarded. It's a side of Ryan that I have yet to witness and it makes my heart ache with the realization that he is far too old for his age. No kid deserves to be forced to grow up like he did, and I am determined to make him feel like he should - seventeen.

"We'll figure this family thing out, kid… We'll figure it out eventually."

TBC.

Thanks for taking the time to let me in on your thoughts.