AN: Ahh, this one kinda just... wrote itself, I guess. A bit different. Not too long. Let me know what you think. :)
-FEAR OF REJECTION-
by Ellie
When he walked away, I saw that Lily and I were finally sitting alone at the table.
She gave me a small unsuspecting smile, as she took a drink of her soda.
"So," she started, unconsciously brushing a strand of hair behind her ear with her right hand.
"Um... up for a game of Choose?" I asked.
I had that nervous feeling running throughout me... that shaky, kind of scared feeling. Why was I so nervous? This was Lily.
"Sure," she replied, smiling again. "Alright. So... you go first?"
I nodded. I can do this. I can say it. "Ok, Lily... choose..."
I took a deep breathe.
"Me... or Travis?"
-------
What led up to that...
-------
It was just a little while ago when Travis came up to me, wanting to talk. I just assumed it was going to be a quick conversation... thinking he had one of those hypothetical questions for me, trying to get my perspective on something.
Instead, he poured his heart out to me.
The thing about Travis is, is that when he feels something... he really goes for it.
He doesn't like to kid around.
And he told me that he liked Lily.
And that really scared me.
----
"I wouldn't even think about asking her out, because you're one of my best friends. And I couldn't do that to a friend."
I was surprised that he would say that. I haven't been a good friend to him.
In all honesty, that made me feel terrible.
Yet, jealousy kicked in when I opened my mouth.
"You're saying that as if she'd choose you over me."
"I didn't say that, Ray, I'm just saying-"
"Listen, Travis, it's up to Lily."
He nodded. "Are you sure, Ray, because-"
"Yeah."
-----
All day long, I didn't really talk to anyone.
I was too busy thinking about Lily... thinking about how I'd just given Travis permission to ask Lily out.
What was I thinking?
I know I was right, saying that it was Lily's choice, but still...
Why did I even let him get away with telling me that?
And then it really hit me, that I was almost forced to tell Lily that I liked her.
And that also scared me.... a lot.
-----
I was playing basketball with Robbie later on.
I tossed the ball at the net, "He shoots, he sco-oh..." I trailed off, as the ball hit the rim and bounced off, towards Robbie.
He laughed, grabbing the ball. "Wow, Ray, that's not the first shot you've missed today."
I just shook my head. "Are you going to keep bugging me about this?"
"Come on, you had another perfect opportune time to tell Lily you liked her, and you blew it." He threw the ball, and I watched in envy as it went right into the hoop. "Now that's how it's done, Brennan."
I let out a mock-laugh as I grabbed the ball. "And I will tell Lily. Eventually."
"Oh Ray, you and your insane fear of rejection."
I threw the ball, watching as it bounced off the backboard and into the net. "Hah! Who's the man now, Robbie?" I paused. "And I do NOT have an insane fear of rejection. I'm just worried that, you know... she might not like me back."
I paused as I realized what I'd said, and looked up at his face as his mouth opened to reply.
"Shut it, Robbie," I said, sucessfully cutting him off.
He laughed. "You better tell her sometime, Ray..."
"I will, I will..."
------
Everyone seemed to know I liked Lily.
I was sure by now she'd notice, she seems to notice when other people have some "connection" going on...
Was she just oblivious to what I thought about her?
Or did she know and just not want to face it?
Those are the stupid questions that I kept asking myself, over and over.
Those are the worst questions to think about, because it just scared me from telling her how I felt even more.
I hate rejection.
Rejection is terrible.
And Robbie was right, I did have a big fear of it.
I wonder what the phobia-name for that is.
I'd ask Travis, but you know... I'm not necessarily in an ask-Travis-for-trivia mood.
I don't think I'm ever in that kind of a mood.
------
The ringing phone next to my bed woke me up from my sleep. I quickly grabbed it and answered it, reciting my catch-phrase "It's go time" and rolling back onto my bed.
"Hey, Ray, it's Lily."
I smiled when I heard her voice. "Hey, Lily... what time is it?"
"I don't know, I couldn't get to sleep."
"So you decided to call me?"
"Well, talking to you always gets me tired, so..."
I smirked, although she couldn't see me. "Thanks."
"Did I wake you up?"
"Yeah."
"Sorry."
I smiled. "That's alright."
"I was actually thinking about you earlier... you seemed kind of... distant, today."
My smile faded. "Distant?"
"Yeah, like you were hiding something... is there anything that you wanted to talk about, Ray?"
I took a deep breath. "Nah, I'm fine."
She paused. "Are you sure? I'm always here if you want to talk."
"Yeah, I'm fine." I closed my eyes for a moment. "Just kind of... tired today."
"Oh. Alright.." She paused again. "Well, I'm gonna try to get back to sleep. Night, Ray."
"Night, Lily."
I hung up the phone.
God damn.
-----
In the words of Robbie, that was yet another 'opportune time to tell Lily that I liked her that I blew.'
So, the next morning, I caught up to him, I had a master plan. I couldn't get back to sleep for a while after that phone call, so I just thought about Lily.
And how I'd finally, after all this time, tell her.
-----
I caught up with him in the hall, a smug grin on my face.
He was looking down at the ground, kind of like he was sad about something.
"She's been talking about Travis a lot, Ray."
"Yeah, I know." I paused. "I'm finally going to tell her."
"Ray..."
I grinned as I cut him off, "Tonight at Mickey's."
"Ray, she's dating Travis."
-----
So that's when it hit me completely...
I blew my chance.
This is the time when I started regretting all the things I'd done earlier, not only had I given Travis permission to ask Lily out, but I didn't tell Lily how I'd felt about her sooner.
I screwed up royally.
But my plan was still in effect.
She had to know sometime.
-----
I met them at Mickey's. Before I walked in the door, I glanced through the window, seeing if they were sitting in our usual "spot."
And my heart completely dropped, as I saw Travis lean in and kiss Lily.
For a moment I contemplated whether or not I should walk in, whether or not I should go home, and forget all about this. If there was one thing I didn't want to see, it was that.
But, I sucked it up, and walked in, going towards the table.
As soon as Travis saw me, he quickly pulled away from her.
Apparently, he still respects me slightly.
"Hey, Ray," Lily smiled, as I sat in one of the chairs on the opposite side of the table.
"Hey," I replied, glancing down.
"Um," Travis started, "I'm gonna go get some coffee. Did you want anything, Ray?"
"No thanks," I replied.
When he walked away, I saw that Lily and I were finally sitting alone at the table.
She gave me a small unsuspecting smile, as she took a drink of her soda.
"So," she started, unconsciously brushing a strand of hair behind her hair with her right hand.
"Um... up for a game of Choose?" I asked.
I had that nervous feeling running throughout me... that shaky, kind of scared feeling. Why was I so nervous? This was Lily.
"Sure," she replied, smiling again. "Alright. So... you go first?"
I nodded. I can do this. I can say it. "Ok, Lily... choose..."
I took a deep breathe.
"Me... or Travis?"
-----
Which takes us to right now.
And as the words came out of my mouth, her expression completely changed.
"What?" she asked.
I closed my eyes for a second, and bit my lip. "Lily... I-I like you."
She glanced at the table, nervously. "Ray..."
"I'm sorry."
She still wouldn't look up at me. "Ray, I'm with Travis right now."
I nodded.
"Got it, Lily." I paused. "You don't have to let me down easy," I said, standing up.
I left Mickey's, and started walking home.
It wasn't the shortest walk, but I needed time to think.
This is why I don't tell people I like them.
Cause sometimes fear of rejection isn't a fear, it's inevitable.
The end.
I had a shitty weekend so I wanted to write something that didn't necessarily end on great terms. Don't hate me, fellow Rily fans! -Ellie