Classes, work, sleep, classes, work, sleep, classes, work, sleep, classes,
work, sleep, classes, work, sleep, classes, work, sleep, classes, work,
sleep, classes, work, sleep, classes, work, sleep and repeat again and
again and again. It was the mind-numbing, weary cycle that was her young
life. At 23 she should be out having fun, socializing, meeting new people
and doing new things, but she wasn't... She never was. She was always
cloistered up in that school or her work.
Her life was so mundane and so tiring that she had even one night contemplated ending it all. She hadn't, something had stopped her. She just couldn't keep the knife to her wrist. She had felt, well she couldn't describe it... It was almost as if her mother's hand was covering her wrist and she couldn't cut down no matter how much she had wanted to at the time. But that shouldn't be right, because she had never known her mother.
Her mom had died giving birth to her and her father was nowhere to be found. For all she knew the man didn't exist. She owed him nothing because he hadn't even stuck around when he'd gotten her mother pregnant. There was a bit of mystery surrounding her mother's death, she always felt as if there was something that people weren't telling her. Of course now that she was living out on her own in a tiny flat in town she didn't hear the whispers as much anymore.
She tried not to think about it, but it was kind of hard not to. Every time someone called her by her name she was reminded. Phoenix. That one word did so much damage. She had survived... for some reason the people that had adopted her felt it necessary to name her that and remind her every day of her life that she survived her mother's death – that there was more to her mother dying in childbirth than what she was being told. That was the reason behind her preferring to be called Nikki, or by her middle name, Danae. She didn't even use her last name if she could help it.
She didn't feel any connection to the people that raised her, and it was odd, but she didn't really feel any connection to the people that were supposedly responsible for her coming to be. There was something odd about all of it... She felt different, distanced from the rest of the world – an outsider looking in, but she could never figure out why no matter how hard she tried. The only time she felt at peace was when she was out in nature, even if that nature was the small park a few blocks away from her flat. It just helped for some reason, being in touch with the ground, the earth... that felt like home... that felt right... and it kind of scared her, because she couldn't figure out why.
So she went on day in and day out, denying her life. She denied what she felt, what she thought and tried to lead as close to normal a life as she could manage. She tried blinding herself to the fact that she was failing at it miserably. She was different and always would be no matter how hard she tried to blend in. Not that she really tried to, she just didn't have time to do anything else... She made sure to keep more than busy enough to forget that she was living a lie.
Always so busy with the half life that she was living that she was still wearing the same old worn leather coat that she'd had since she started college, even though her 'family' had gotten her a new one last Christmas. She simply didn't care... It was familiar, comfortable and it helped her fade into the background. That's where she wanted to be. She didn't want to be to the forefront; she didn't want to be someone who stood out in a crowd... She was too busy and too miserable to want anyone else in her life. Denying that she was miserable was so much easier when she was alone.
She could have been attractive if she took any time to make it look like she cared about how she looked. However, she never did. She dressed in simple jeans and t-shirts usually with some enormous sweatshirt over top of them and hid behind her hair... Always hiding, always trying to distance herself from everyone else even though a part of her yearned to belong to something, but she would never admit it.
She just kept up her routine... go to classes at the university, then do homework in the library and hurry off to work... come home and get a shower and then fall into bed. Wake up and do it all again in the morning. On weekends the routine changed slightly... Get up go to work, come home, do any homework not already finished, shower and then go to bed... It was the life of someone living in denial... of someone trying to escape something... trying to escape themselves.
Someone needed to tell her that she wasn't exactly succeeding in her attempt to fool herself into thinking that everything was fine. Someone needed to tell her that there was more to life that what she was letting herself live. Someone needed to tell her that it was ok to feel different, to be different... Someone needed to tell her that it wasn't ok to hide. All right, maybe there were people telling her these things, but someone needed to make her listen... Though it didn't seem likely that anyone would succeed any time soon.
Phoenix Danae was stubborn and she was dead set on forgetting as much about herself, her feelings, her past and her life as she could. And so it was that this strange young woman tried to live life on autopilot. She hurried her way through the cold city streets trying to get back to her flat before it got too late... never knowing, never realizing that there was something big happening around her... never caring that some day soon it might spill out onto her own doorstep.
She kept herself blissfully ignorant. She kept herself off to the side, just a part of the scenery... She tried to make people forget that she was there... Hell she tried to make herself forget that she was there... No one could have made her believe that even the most faded flowers never go completely unnoticed...
Her life was so mundane and so tiring that she had even one night contemplated ending it all. She hadn't, something had stopped her. She just couldn't keep the knife to her wrist. She had felt, well she couldn't describe it... It was almost as if her mother's hand was covering her wrist and she couldn't cut down no matter how much she had wanted to at the time. But that shouldn't be right, because she had never known her mother.
Her mom had died giving birth to her and her father was nowhere to be found. For all she knew the man didn't exist. She owed him nothing because he hadn't even stuck around when he'd gotten her mother pregnant. There was a bit of mystery surrounding her mother's death, she always felt as if there was something that people weren't telling her. Of course now that she was living out on her own in a tiny flat in town she didn't hear the whispers as much anymore.
She tried not to think about it, but it was kind of hard not to. Every time someone called her by her name she was reminded. Phoenix. That one word did so much damage. She had survived... for some reason the people that had adopted her felt it necessary to name her that and remind her every day of her life that she survived her mother's death – that there was more to her mother dying in childbirth than what she was being told. That was the reason behind her preferring to be called Nikki, or by her middle name, Danae. She didn't even use her last name if she could help it.
She didn't feel any connection to the people that raised her, and it was odd, but she didn't really feel any connection to the people that were supposedly responsible for her coming to be. There was something odd about all of it... She felt different, distanced from the rest of the world – an outsider looking in, but she could never figure out why no matter how hard she tried. The only time she felt at peace was when she was out in nature, even if that nature was the small park a few blocks away from her flat. It just helped for some reason, being in touch with the ground, the earth... that felt like home... that felt right... and it kind of scared her, because she couldn't figure out why.
So she went on day in and day out, denying her life. She denied what she felt, what she thought and tried to lead as close to normal a life as she could manage. She tried blinding herself to the fact that she was failing at it miserably. She was different and always would be no matter how hard she tried to blend in. Not that she really tried to, she just didn't have time to do anything else... She made sure to keep more than busy enough to forget that she was living a lie.
Always so busy with the half life that she was living that she was still wearing the same old worn leather coat that she'd had since she started college, even though her 'family' had gotten her a new one last Christmas. She simply didn't care... It was familiar, comfortable and it helped her fade into the background. That's where she wanted to be. She didn't want to be to the forefront; she didn't want to be someone who stood out in a crowd... She was too busy and too miserable to want anyone else in her life. Denying that she was miserable was so much easier when she was alone.
She could have been attractive if she took any time to make it look like she cared about how she looked. However, she never did. She dressed in simple jeans and t-shirts usually with some enormous sweatshirt over top of them and hid behind her hair... Always hiding, always trying to distance herself from everyone else even though a part of her yearned to belong to something, but she would never admit it.
She just kept up her routine... go to classes at the university, then do homework in the library and hurry off to work... come home and get a shower and then fall into bed. Wake up and do it all again in the morning. On weekends the routine changed slightly... Get up go to work, come home, do any homework not already finished, shower and then go to bed... It was the life of someone living in denial... of someone trying to escape something... trying to escape themselves.
Someone needed to tell her that she wasn't exactly succeeding in her attempt to fool herself into thinking that everything was fine. Someone needed to tell her that there was more to life that what she was letting herself live. Someone needed to tell her that it was ok to feel different, to be different... Someone needed to tell her that it wasn't ok to hide. All right, maybe there were people telling her these things, but someone needed to make her listen... Though it didn't seem likely that anyone would succeed any time soon.
Phoenix Danae was stubborn and she was dead set on forgetting as much about herself, her feelings, her past and her life as she could. And so it was that this strange young woman tried to live life on autopilot. She hurried her way through the cold city streets trying to get back to her flat before it got too late... never knowing, never realizing that there was something big happening around her... never caring that some day soon it might spill out onto her own doorstep.
She kept herself blissfully ignorant. She kept herself off to the side, just a part of the scenery... She tried to make people forget that she was there... Hell she tried to make herself forget that she was there... No one could have made her believe that even the most faded flowers never go completely unnoticed...