"DARIA'S LANE"
Excerpt 02:
"Cue,
Cut and Cute"
INTRODUCTION:
What if: Jane was born as a boy and Trent was born as
a girl?This episode follows the events of excerpt 01: "Party me Hardly"
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
This fanfiction is modelled
after the original Daria Episode 109 "Too Cute" written by Larry Doyle.
I have used the actual script, which I have used/borrowed/stolen without
permission from "Outpost Daria". That is why certain dialogues and events
are repeated, but not all.
OPENING
SEQUENCE
MUSIC:
"YOU'RE STANDING ON MY NECK" BY SPLENDORA
EXT. LAWNDALE
SHOPPING DISTRICT – MORNING
Zane Lane
with an ugly "Hunchback-of-Notre Dame" make-up is goofing around in the
streets and scaring little children, who are walking with their mothers.
ZANE: (singing
in the hideous tune of the Beatles Song "I'm the Walrus")
"This little
piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy
had roast beef. And this little piggy had none. And this little piggy went
WOOOO!
The little
children start to cry, while the mothers are protesting. Soon a police
car pulls up the street.
CUT TO:
INT. LAWNDALE
HIGH – ENGLISH CLASS WITH MS. LANE – DAY
Trinity
sits at the teacher's desk. She had put her hands and on her lap and is
asleep. The class is quite and is reading non-school literature or writing
notes to each other.
PAN TO:
CLOSE UP OF TRININTY:
Her chest
moves softly up and down while sleeps.
PAN TO: CLOSE UP OF JOEY:
JOEY VOICE
OVER:
Heh, heh,
heh. Now I can pretend to read some comics but actually make my homework.
Quinn shouldn't think I am a brain… Damn, why does she have to date Jeffy
today?…
(he looks
up)
Ms. Lane is
actually a good substitute. We let her sleep and she lets us do everything
we want, as long we don't make noise… she is also kinda cute.
(He gets
a dreamy look in his eyes.)
Trinity.
PAN TO: CLOSE UP OF JEFFY:
JEFFY VOICE
OVER:
Heh, heh,
heh. Now I can pretend to make my homework but actually read some comics.
Quinn shouldn't think I am a lame-brain… Damn, why does she have to date
Jamie today?…
(he looks
up)
Ms. Lane is
quite a hottie, and she is the best substitute I ever had.
(He gets
a dreamy look in his eyes.)
Trinity.
PAN TO: CLOSE UP OF JAMIE:
JAMIE VOICE
OVER:
(He has
a dreamy look in his eyes.)
Oh yes Trinity,
breath in, breath out. In and out, in and out. Oh, let me be yours!...
Actually I don't care that Quinn is dating Joey today.
PAN TO: CLOSE UP OF STACY:
STACY VOICE
OVER:
Brook looks
*so* cute after she has got that nose job at Dr. Shar. Dr. Shar is the
best! All the pretty girls in Lawndale visit her to get a nose job… and
a boob job… and a butt job… and a face-lift… and a….
PAN TO: CLOSE UP OF QUINN:
QUINN VOICE
OVER:
Eww! All I
said was that Brook's nose was cute. And then that … Sandi comes and claims
I didn't meant it serious! And because I was thinking for a second, I didn't
just say it, that is was cute without thinking. And then that … Sandi accuses
me that I think they are shallow because they have said it was cute… What
for a … .
PAN TO: CLOSE UP OF SANDI:
SANDI VOICE
OVER:
And then comes
Brooke with her new cute nose, and Quinn just says: "Oh, it's cute." Like:
"My high nose-standards are not impressed." Now look at that … Quinn, with
her bouncy hair and her perfect nose. Everything what she does, everything
what she says, points out that she is cuter than all the other girls. Quinn
cute here! Quinn cute there! She always has to rub that in. She gets all
the boys, and don't even bother to date them! What for a … ! That's not
fair. But that will soon change! Brooke's shown us what miracles Plastic
Surgery can do…
PAN TO: CLOSE UP OF TIFFANY:
TIFFANY VOICE
OVER:
When (b*c)-v
= x – 1, then…
The school bell rings and makes Trinity to leap up.
TRINITY:
Eep!!!… Oh…
yeah… Class dismissed.
All leave
while she stretches, then she falls again to sleep. She doesn't notice
that the 3 J's are goggling at her from a save distance.
SOME TIME
LATER:
INT. LAWNDALE
HIGH – SCIENCE CLASS WITH MS. BARCH
BARCH: (grinning
malicious)
And since
Mr. Lane hasn't turn up today to report about the perception of attractiveness
on human behavior. I am going to give that so-called Track-Star an "F…
The door opens and Zane, still with his "Hunchback-of-Notre Dame" make-up, comes in.
BARCH:
Ah Mr. Lane.
Is your ego crushed… I mean: Is the experiment over....
She spots 2 police officers (a Latino-American male and a Afro-American female), which are standing behind Zane.
FEMALE AFRO-AMERICAN
POLICE OFFICER:
Are you Ms.
Janette Barch? The teacher of Mr. Zane Lane.
BARCH:
Yes.
MALE LATINO-AMERICAN
POLICE OFFICER:
Did you willfully
and with malice aforethought. Forced this man to perform a social science
project with intent to cause a breach of the peace in the Lawndale Shopping
District from last Monday on?
BARCH: (She
glares at Zane, who is mocking an innocent victim.)
No?!??
FEMALE AFRO-AMERICAN
POLICE OFFICER: (she pulls out some school papers)
Then why is
there written prove? Ma'am, we would like you to follow us for further
inquiries to the station...
Ms. Barch turns to Zane and kills him in her mind. Then she turns to the rest of the class.
BARCH:
Read the current
chapter finish! I'll be back!
Ms. Barch
follows the officers out of the class. As soon she is gone, the boys of
the class start to cheer.
Triumphal
Zane walks to his seat, receiving high-fives from his class. Meanwhile
most of the students decides to continue the lesson in the cafeteria. He
passes Daria.
ZANE: (to
her, still with his "Hunchback-of-Notre Dame" make-up)
*Boo*!
She doesn't
react, packs her books in and walks out of class, not dropping a word.
Zane glares behind her.
SOME TIME
LATER:
INT. LAWNDALE
HIGH – EMPTY ENGLISH CLASS WITH MS. LANE – DAY
Trinity is
still asleep. Then the door opens and Zane, without his hideous make-up,
steps in. Trinity leaps up.
TRINITY:
Huh!!! Hey,
Zaney.
ZANE:
Aren't you
worried, that Ms. Li fires you, when she catches you sleeping?
TRINITY:
(she stretches)
First she
has to catch me… is school over yet?
ZANE:
No, my science
lesson fell out.
Zane notice a little envelope hidden discreet in front of her. He opens it and finds a pink paper with a love poem.
ZANE:
Oh, la, la…
You have got a secret admirer. It's signed with: "J".
TRINITY: (takes
the poem and glances at it)
Do I? Cool.
(She picks
up her bag and notices a tiny box of chocolate. She opens its cover.)
This here
is also sign with "J".
EXT. LAWNDALE
HIGH – PARKING LOT
They both
walk out the School. Zane is comparing the handwritings, while they walk
to Trinity's car.
ZANE:
They are not
identical. You have got 2 stalkers.
TRINITY:
Why do you
care?
ZANE:
I somehow
feel obliged to protect your *virtue* for the honor of our family… Although
I'm 8 years too late.
TRINITY: (glares
at him)
7.
They arrive at her car. There is a red rose and a note lying on the drivers seat.
ZANE: (deadpan)
Must be mating
season.
TRINITY: (she
picks up the flower and reads out loud from the note)
"Let me be
your teddy bear. J."
ZANE: (puzzled)
That's now
3 J's… 3 J's???
(an evil
smirk unfolds on his face)
3 J's!!!
TRINITY: (rolls
her eyes)
Whatever…
Do what you like. I go home. By the way: Later I pick up Daria, I'm driving
her to a bookstore.
ZANE: (astonish)
A bookstore?
I thought you couldn't set a foot in a bookstore!
TRINITY:
It is a drive-in
bookstore… Why don't you come with us?
ZANE:
Nah. Daria
hates me.
TRINITY:
How come?
ZANE:
Do you remember?
I made her "keg queen" of Middleton College and I burned her Melody Powers
essays by mistake, I blackmail her to model, I deprogram her science-project-mouse,
I published a photo of her with braids…
TRINITY:
And do you
hate her?
ZANE:
Well, she
puked over me at the Mall of the Millennium, but…
LI OFF SCREEN:
Ms. Lane!
Wait! This is an emergency!
Ms. Li and Quinn, who has got her hands on her stomach, walk up to them. Far behind, Daria is following them.
LI:
Our student
Quinn Morgendorffer suddenly has developed acute cramps and need medical
attention at her personal specialist. Her sister…
QUINN:
COUSIN!
LI:
Her cousin
is assisting her at this critical moment.
QUINN: (fakes
a stomach cramp)
Yes.... Ouch.
DARIA: (she
finally joins them)
Principal
Li. I am very please to see how concerned you are, diverting any reason
for legal actions from this school.
LI:
Ms. Morgendorffer.
I disagree with your standpoint but this is an act of first aid and… Hold
on! A lawsuit?… I must check this up in my office. Ms Lane, I order you
to drive her from my school property!
Ms. Li hurries back into school. Daria turns to Zane and looks at his face.
DARIA: (pretends
to be frightened in her usual deadpan attitude)
Eep!
ZANE:
Huh?
DARIA: (she
smirks)
What have
you done with you face? You look like a freak.
TRINITY:
I don't get
it.
DARIA:
Private joke.
ZANE: (snide)
Yeah, it is
so private that nobody can share it with you.
He puts his hands in his pocket and walks off. Meanwhile Quinn climbs into Trinity's car.
QUINN:
Haven't you
heard from your boss? Let's go!
TRINITY:
Sure Daria's
sister.
QUINN:
Ughhh!
DARIA: (to
Quinn)
Who is the
personal specialist for your acute cramps?
QUINN:
Dr. Shar.
DARIA: (rolls
her eyes)
Dr. Shar?!!
The Shah of Rhinoplastia! Uhh Trinity? Could you please talk some sense
into her?
TRINITY:
Sure. You
shouldn't mess around with nature to look good.
QUINN:
Oh yeah? Having
a nose job is like having a tattoo!
TRINITY:
Hey Daria!
That's a damn good argument.
DARIA:
Why do I bother?
LATER:
EXT. THE RX
PLEX – PARKING LOT – DAY
Trinity's
car parks in front of the "Rx Plex", which is something like a Wellness
Mall. With aromatherapy, Mantra-workrooms, underwater massages, sunbath
studios, tattoo studio and tattoo removal studios… etc. Not to mention
a wide pallet of cosmetic surgery… Among them the notorious infamous Dr.
Shar.
DARIA: (she
opens the door for Quinn)
All right.
Get yourself some eyebrow ridges and a large sloping forehead.
QUINN:
Uh… Daria?
DARIA: (annoyed)
What?
QUINN: (wary)
Can you come
with me?
DARIA:
HUH?
QUINN: (she
glances at her like an adorable puppy)
I just need
you here, okay?
DARIA:
Uh, okay.
But when somebody sees me, I claim that you have paid me.
QUINN:
Good plan.
Daria and Quinn get out the car.
TRINITY: (to
Daria)
That is cute
of you accompanying your sis'.
DARIA:
Humpf! Thank
you for driving us Trinity.
TRINITY:
No problem.
Shall I wait?
DARIA:
That's not
necessary…
She notices
how Trinity has fallen asleep.
SOME TIME
LATER:
EXT. THE RX
PLEX – PARKING LOT – AFTERNOON
Trinity
wakes up and sees how Daria just came out of the building with a little
gray boy. Trinity gets out the car to stretch her legs.
TRINITY: (looks
at the box)
Are the remains
of Quinn inside?
DARIA: (deadpan)
Am I smiling?
--- Quinn is still upstairs, waiting for some wallet-sized computer printouts.
This Dr. Shar has got software, which enables her to perform virtual plastic
surgery. She scans your picture, alters some face vectors and TAH-DAH!
Michael Jackson is looking upon you. Guess what: She made one of me too.
Daria pulls from her pocket a computer printout. It shows Daria with a face like Quinn.
TRINITY:
I just have
got material for a whole new song! So, what is in that box?
DARIA:
Don't know.
It's a present from Dr. Shar. She says it would change my attitude.
(She opens
it and takes out a silicon ball. She reads out loud from the packing.)
"Dr. Shar's
pre-implant temporary breast augmentations, for evaluation only."
(sarcastic)
Oh yeah, she's
got my number all right. Just what I needed: Practice boobs. Cool.
TRINITY: (in
a professional tone)
Well in the
beginning they do feel cold, but then after 3 minutes… Uhhh…forget what
I have said.
DARIA: (she
glances skeptic at her)
Yes…
Some persons come out the building. A guy with a nose ring and a baldhead walks up to them.
MAX:
Trinity?
TRINITY:
Whoa Max!
MAX:
Whoohooo Trinity!
My old girl! I didn't see you for years!
She hugs
him and gives him a peck.
A guy with
blonde/red/something-in-between hair colour walks up to them.
NICK:
Trinity!
TRINITY:
Hey Nick!
NICK:
Trinity. This
is great! How long is it has been?
She hugs him and gives him a peck.
TRINITY:
What are you
guys doing here?
NICK:
We're here
to get Max's tattoo removed. His girlfriend has left.
MAX:
Rubbish! I
got it removed because my Dad would have cut my allowance… I mean: Yes!
It's because a girl.
NICK:
We had to
come with to give him moral support. You know how he gets when he sees
a needle.
MAX: (indignant)
HEY!
TRINITY: (she
turns to Daria)
Nick and Max
used to be in a band with me.
(she turns
to Max and Nick)
May I introduce
you my friend Daria.
MAX AND NICK:
Hey Daria.
DARIA:
Hi.
TRINITY:
Daria's like
the coolest high-schooler I know…
A handsome guy with brown curly hair, black leather vest and pants, but no shirt turns up.
NICK:
Hey Jesse!
Look who is here!
MAX:
Our old friend
Trinity!
JESSE:
…
TRINITY:
…
pause
TRINITY: (flatly)
Hey.
JESSE: (flatly)
Hey.
Painful
silence.
Meanwhile
Max and Nick roll their eyes. Daria is bewildered.
END CHAPTER 1
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