Chapter 5

"He had more of Pete's heart than I did."

The words no sooner left his mouth than the all too familiar acidic turbulence of revulsion began to churn in the pit of his stomach. Alexis was the first person to ever hear what caused so much destruction in his life. He began to gather himself to move away from her.

Sitting up he pulled away and tried to stand only to find himself hindered. He looked back to find Alexis holding his arm and reached to pry her fingers loose from the grip she had on him.

"Cameron… stay with me."

Her words caused a mountain of indecision to fall on him. He needed so much to put some space between them and yet he wanted to stay right beside her. There was something about this woman that made him want to stay. Alexander was right when he told Alexis that his Dad made a habit out of walking away. When certain issues weighed on him, he did the only thing he knew to do to keep the agony of failure from taking over completely and getting lost inside of it. He felt her fingers tighten around his arm and his own finally stopped fighting her hold on him.

"I'm not going anywhere, Alexis."

Her quiet compassionate voice filled his ears and somehow calmed the turbulence in his soul.

"You already did. You dropped a bomb and immediately checked out on me. You can't do that if we're going to share secrets."

"No one has ever heard me say that before. I have fought that demon for years now and it just seems to keep defeating me. How can a father be jealous of his own son? It's… it's… I can't even come up with a word disgusting enough to describe it. I should have been glad the boys could talk to each other; hell, if for no other reason than to present a united front against me. I ruined my boys and now one is pushing up daisies and the other wishes I were. How do I live with that, Alexis? How does a father live with the fact that he destroyed both of his sons lives?"

Leaning forward he dropped his head into his hands and let silent tears fall to the floor. He didn't want her to see him cry… didn't want her to see his weakness. He jumped slightly as he felt her hand begin a slow caress across his back. Sitting motionless, he concentrated on the feel of her hand running up and down the span of his back. To be able to focus on something other than the grief was what kept him from succumbing to the hopelessness again. His mind mentally followed her hand… up, down, up down, back and forth… the repetition of her movement doing what little else could. Warm, comforting… caring; just like he did with Alexander when he was a baby to calm him down after having a fretful nap. As the memory burst into his mind he quickly reached back and caught hold of Alexis' hand as his heart screamed in agony… 'STOP'.

He kissed the back of her hand to let her know he wasn't upset, then placed it on his cheek beneath his own. Holding her to him for a moment, he forced himself to focus on the warmth of her hand in an effort to still the raging tide in his soul.

"Cameron, look at me."

She gently guided his face toward her and his eyes closed to keep from having to see how repulsive he must look to her now. How could she not look at him with disdain? He could barely look at himself in the mirror in the morning.

"Cameron… please. You won't see what you seem to be so sure of seeing. Look at me. Or would it be easier if I dressed up again… would you talk to the 'butler' if he were here?"

The chuckle rose without warning. He couldn't help himself. She was such a treasure; always a constant surprise to him. At any given moment she could send him careening out of control in abject frustration and in the next draw him back to her side steady and sure of himself without uttering a single word. He slowly reached up and brushed his thumb across the top of her cheekbone and let his fingers slide into the darkness of her hair.

"How do you do it, Alexis? How do you manage to care so much about my son and me given what you face every day of your life? How can your heart still be so big with everything that's happened?"

"The same way yours is… given all that you've had to deal with. We do it because there is something inside of us that tells us we are useless unless someone needs us… unless we are helping someone. Our desire is to feel connected. So we do what we must in order to feed that part of ourselves that borders on starvation most days. Now, tell me about Pete and Zander; tell me about your life before Pete died."

Dropping his hand back to his lap, he sighed heavily. He was tired… tired of the struggle… tired of the constant internal fight. If he could just sleep for a while…

"I'd rather just drop it, Alexis. I've spent too much time already picking apart the past and what I could have done to change it."

"I'm sure you have, but I want you to tell me what your life was like. Tell the story like you would read a newspaper if you think it might help. Just tell me who Cameron Lewis was before he lost his family."

Glancing at her quickly, he saw how determined she was to keep him talking. A small weak smile found its freedom across his face, but never reached his eyes.

"If we do this… then I get to pick up where I left off with my little question game and you have to answer any question I ask. Deal?"

"You drive a hard bargain, mister?"

"There's a lot on the line."

"More than you can imagine."

He watched her shift uncomfortably then settle back down again.

"Well, is it a deal?"

"I have one stipulation."

"And that would be…"

"Everything surrounding Kristina's biological father is off limits."

He studied her face in an effort to gauge how serious she was and found that if he wanted any more cooperation from her, he would have to accept the boundary she was laying down.

"How about I agree to said stipulation for the duration of the evening. No talk about Kristina's father at all tonight. Is that acceptable?"

Cameron was utilizing his own brand of negotiation practices. At some point, if he and Alexis were to continue to be each other's confidant, the truth regarding Kristina's parentage would have to eventually come back into play. He didn't want to do anything that would close that door before he ever got to it. Her eyes were studying him just as intently as his were hers. She knew what he was up to… it was just a matter of deciding whether this evening was important enough to the both of them to want to clear away the obstacles so they could proceed. Her eyes left his momentarily and wandered around the room a few times as she fought an unseen battle with herself. When she finally returned her attention to him he couldn't help the sense of immense relief that washed over him. Alexis was giving more importance to him than she did a man who must have meant a great deal to her at one time. He watched fascinated as she extended her hand toward him.

"Deal."

Taking hold of her hand his smile held a hint of 'little boy' mischief as he tried to coax a smile from her knowing what her agreement was costing her.

"Deal."

As he stood up, he heard her ask incredulously, "Where are you going?"

"There is a phone call I need to make first. Give me a minute."

With curiosity she watched him walk to her desk and pick up the phone to quickly dial a number he would pay any amount of money to be able to forget.

"Ned Ashton, please."

"Cameron, what are you doing?"

He turned at her question and placed a finger on his lips to quiet her until he finished the call."

"Ned… Cameron Lewis. I have a bit of a problem that I need some help with. We have reached a critical stage in Alexis' therapy and I need you to help me get her over a bit of a hump…. Good, good. I appreciate your willingness to help. Alexis has begun to have nightmares that involve you and your entire family along with Skye and whoever the father of her child is. Her sister is also a part of the nightmare now. The nightmares are always the same in which everyone who has ever had any contact with the child is doing everything possible to keep her from the child. And Ned, that includes her sister. I think at this point you are more aware of what her sister meant to her than I am so I'll leave it to you to discern what level of disturbance that is causing in Alexis. In the dream, the child has begun calling out to her. Alexis is regressing and I need to find a way to stop it. Ned I need to know how much you care about Alexis and how far are you willing to go to help her get well."

Cameron slid a glance toward Alexis to see how she was handling his conversation and winced at the fear and horror he saw on her face. He turned back toward the desk at Ned's response.

"That doesn't sound like you care very much about the well being of the child's mother. We're talking about a woman who has been abandoned by everyone in her life… everyone who ever meant anything to her. Are you so selfish that you would deliberately turn your back on the mother of your child just to ease your own sense of worth? Ned, take a look at the last couple of years and try to measure what you've lost against what Alexis has faced and lost. Now tell me what could any court in the land do to this woman that hasn't already been done to her by people who professed to love her?"

A small hand found its way around his waist and he felt her lean on him. Shifting the phone to his other hand he gathered her closer to him. As her head fell to rest on his shoulder he felt the warmth of her tears soak his shirt and he pulled her closer. He felt her tense a little and knew she heard Ned's 'What does she need,' response.

"She and I are going to have a session in the morning as her regular therapist is out of town for a conference… I have called the judge and asked that a representative of the court be in attendance. Ned, Alexis needs some time with Kristina outside the destructive nature of the Quartermaine household. She needs to be able to feel safe enough to hold her daughter without fear of reprisal. Now, I know how cruel that may sound, but I would encourage you to take a step back and look at all of this from her point of view. Alexis needs you to help her get well. You have that power. The question now becomes, do you want Alexis well or do you want to see her slip away completely?"

Cameron looked down to check on Alexis. Her eyes were closed, but he noticed that her other arm was now wrapped around him as well and she was holding on as if he were the only stable force keeping her from going under. He ran his hand up and down her arm a couple of times then leaned his head down to lay a brief kiss on her forehead. His attention was pulled back to the phone to finish his conversation with Ned.

"Thank you, Ned. And when you bring Kristina by, I'm going to keep Alexis out of the living room until you're gone. Right now I think it best that she not see anyone who is threatening her......... I understand, Ned. But, we're not talking about how you see things. This is about Alexis and her daughter......... good, I knew you would see the logic in it. So, why don't you bring Kristina around about 10 in the morning. And Ned, leave Skye at home."

Cameron was concentrating hard in an effort not to give himself away as Alexis was trying to kiss his cheek while he completed the call. She was fairly jumping up and down and it was getting difficult to keep his tone of voice even. Finally hanging up the phone he was forced to take a step backward as Alexis launched herself into his arms. He began to laugh at her animated expression and the wealth of 'Thank you's' exploding from her.

"Alexis, stop. I have to make another call. This is not a done deal yet. I have to call the judge."

She stopped immediately and the fear that visibly swept over her brought a lump into his throat.

"I have to do this the right way, Alexis. I have to make sure that I don't do anything that will cause you to lose her permanently. Trust me, Alexis. I won't fail you this time."

"But how can you do this? You're not my psychiatrist anymore. Cameron, please don't call Judge Farmer."

Cameron turned her fully into his arms and hugged her close.

"Alexis, please. Just trust me one more time. I know what I'm doing. If you will just give me a little more time here, I'll prove to you that we can get Kristina back with you in less time than the original six months."

He pulled her away from him and lifted her chin with his finger so she was forced to look at him.

"Let me work a little magic here. I think you'll be surprised at what kind of leverage I actually do have if allowed to use it in the right way."

As she dropped her head again, she pulled him close and lay her head on his shoulder and nodded.

"Alright, Cameron. Do it your way."

He reached for the phone again and made the call that would complete his plans for the following morning.

"Judge Farmer, I apologize for interrupting your evening……. Yes, yes I would be highly irritated as well, but I have a bit of an emergency that I need your help with. Dr. Ryan is away for a couple of days at a conference so I've been taking calls for her. One of Ms. Davis' neighbors called 911 after hearing her scream this evening. It seems that Ms. Davis has been having nightmares regarding her child……. No, I wasn't aware of them when I was in charge of her case. This is something that has started recently…… yes, I am with her now. She is currently sedated in an effort to allow her some time to rest without the nightmares interrupting her…….. No, the alternate personality has not surfaced since the episode in the courtroom. I believe that Ms. Davis has successfully put away the alternate, but the effects of being barred from a normal relationship with her daughter has escalated so much that she is unable to rest at night…….. The nightmares are of the child screaming for the mother and the mother not being able to go to or comfort the child. Not something any mother would handle very well as I'm sure you are aware……… No, I do not believe the child is in any danger at all when in the company of her mother……….. I would like to try something a little different in her next session, which will be in the morning………. I don't believe it would be in her best interests to wait for Dr. Ryan to return. But, if you would like I could have Dr. Ryan call you…….. yes, yes I agree wholeheartedly with you. You certainly do not need to be bothered with this case any more than absolutely necessary………. I would like to have Mr. Ashton bring the child to the session in the morning, but I want a court appointed representative there as well…….. I need to try and prove to Ms. Davis that the court only has the best interests of the child at heart as well as the good of her own welfare. I think that would go a long way in progressing her therapy……Yes, I will call Mr. Ashton myself and explain the situation to him and let him know that you are in full agreement……… Thank you, Judge Farmer and again I apologize profusely for interrupting your evening."

As he hung up the phone, Cameron felt Alexis trembling against him. Looking down, he saw the tears coursing down her cheeks. Gently resting his head against hers he stood quietly holding her and let the last few minutes settle themselves in her heart. She would have her daughter in the morning free of the prying manipulative eyes of the Quartermaine's. A few moments passed and he felt her relax against him.

"You told me to trust you… and I did. I let someone else take control of my life for once and I get my daughter… here… at home."

Her voice held wonder and surprise and it made him feel like he owned the world. To be able to do something for her; to see her eyes smile… it healed a part of his own heart. Shifting her a little he led her back to the sofa and sat down pulling her with him. They sat cuddled together for a while and just as he was about to drift off, Alexis reminded him of their 'deal'.

"Talk to me, Cameron. We have a deal going, remember?"

She sat up and his arm dropped from her shoulders. Turning sideways on the sofa to face him she slid her leg behind him, then picked up two throw pillows to rest her back against, then crossed her arms and waited. Her foot grazed the inside of his arm and he again felt the chill of her toes. Moving his arm slightly he caught the top of her foot in the crook of his elbow and the chill immediately began to recede. He watched her face as he manipulated her foot into place and the hue of her eyes deepened with appreciation. She sighed contentedly and brought her other leg up to lay casually across the top of his legs and he draped his free arm across them taking hold of her other foot to warm it as well.

"You know, it amazes me that you said you didn't treat your wife as well as you've treated me this evening. So tell me what happened, Cameron."

"You're not going to let it go, are you?"

"No, we have a deal. Remember? I don't talk unless you do."

"Yeah, I remember. What's that old adage 'Curiosity killed the cat…'

"Well it is an old adage, but it doesn't apply here because there are no cats in my home."

"Right… no dogs either. I remember."

"So….."

"Relentless aren't you?"

"In more ways than one. Now talk."

He gazed at her a moment more then let his head fall to rest on the back of the sofa as his eyes studied the ceiling.

"I married her in my last year of my residency. It was a marriage formed from lust and desperation. The life of a resident… a resident studying Cardiology is hell on earth. You are put through so many trials every damn day… just getting up in the morning becomes a miracle of science. That is when you are allowed to have a night free from the endless ER calls, nurses who are just smart enough to be dangerous or other residents who want the prestige of the title without doing the work. It got to a point where I needed someone to just be with me through the whole ordeal and she was there. She did everything she could to encourage, support and help me get through a difficult time. Things went along fine for a few years and along came Pete and Alexander. I thought I had the world by the tail. I was a doctor. A healer of the heart… what a laugh. It was my job to see that the most important organ of the body worked at peak proficiency. I was good at what I did and I saved lives every day of my life. I began to look at my boys as possible extensions of myself. If I could accomplish as much as I did, then so could they. Pete tried to live up to my expectations, but Alexander wouldn't have any of it. The boy fought me every step of the way. I'd get so angry with him because he refused to even try to see things my way. He walked out on me so many times it felt like there was a revolving door in my office at home. Pete... died and all that I had left was Alexander. A son who wanted nothing to do with the life I planned for him… wanted nothing to do with me. He tried to talk to me several times after Pete… but I wouldn't listen. He wasn't saying anything I wanted to hear. So, I put up a brick wall that he couldn't get around. Eventually he left… no, actually I drove him away with my indifference. It took a couple of years for the pain to subside enough for me to begin to take an interest in my life again. I looked up one day and there was no one left. Pete and Alexander were gone and my wife had turned her interests elsewhere. Then I found the notes that Pete left. His last words… his last thoughts were for Alexander. Such an intense jealousy raced through me. That hit me on such a deep level that I was forced to begin facing the truth of what I did to my family. I was forced to see what my ego, my selfishness had cost my family. It wasn't until after Pete died that a few home truths began to hit me right between the eyes. By then it was too late. I lost it all. So I walked away from everything. My job, my wife… everything that meant anything to me… I left it all and started over. I chose psychiatry because I could lose myself in other people's problems. I could handle my own when I was faced with the devastation of other people's lives. I haven't done too badly with it, but it's a far cry from being a renowned cardiovascular surgeon. I don't really miss it though… there's just so much emotional baggage, so much pain attached to that life. I was on top of the world, but I let my pride, me ego begin to dictate my life and it all fell apart. I think I'm better off where I am now. At least I was until Alexander showed up in the one place that I sought refuge in. I didn't realize how much I missed him until I saw him again. I need him, Alexis and the boy wants nothing to do with me."

"Why do you need him, Cameron? To make yourself feel better or to help him deal with a past that has hurt him just as much as it has hurt you?"