MY SEESTER, SHE EES VIRGEEN
by campylobacter
. . .
Gringos call it tee-uh-WAHN-nuh. Locals call it tee-HWAN-nah. Border dwellers call it tee-jay.
I call it Hell.
And what do you call Tijuana the weekend before Lent?
Aunt Jane on acid -- and I'm telling you, I'm never going there again. Only time I went, it was after boot camp, me and the guys.
Gearhead points out this Mexican boy hanging on a sign post, barefoot, wearing a grungy cowboy hat, who says "My seester, she ees virgeen," to every Anglo who walks past. I start joking that the muchacho sells his sister's virginity three or four times a night, and his sister is really his mother.
Several bottles of tequila later, we stagger back to the Datsun. Gearhead dry heaves every ten minutes, Lumpy can't drive stick, and I'm seeing double. Gearhead drops the keys somewhere on his garbage-covered floorboards. I claim the back seat and wait for Mexico to stop spinning. Lumpy starts dancing outside the car to a distant mariachi band.
Muchacho passes by to pimp his sister's virtue. Lumpy sends him for coffee. Muchacho returns with horchata, a handful of beads, and a Chica Bonita.
"Beeg surprise, Meester. Thees my seester. Cover you eyes." Who, me? Si, Meester. Pick my pocket, and I'll break you in half, punk. No, ees nice surprise, you will like very much.
Yeah, well, I let them blindfold me and unzip my pants. It is a nice surprise. She smells good. The second time, in the middle of it, I lift the blindfold. It isn't her mouth doing el Chupacabra on me, but Lumpy's.
Lumpy just misses returning to Base with a black eye. (He gets shipped out to Pensacola, and I never see him again.)
I get back home, and Mom asks if I enjoyed TJ. Missy and Charlie fight over the beads.
Dana keeps asking why I have a blindfold tied to my duffel bag. Little punk.
[end]
by campylobacter
. . .
Gringos call it tee-uh-WAHN-nuh. Locals call it tee-HWAN-nah. Border dwellers call it tee-jay.
I call it Hell.
And what do you call Tijuana the weekend before Lent?
Aunt Jane on acid -- and I'm telling you, I'm never going there again. Only time I went, it was after boot camp, me and the guys.
Gearhead points out this Mexican boy hanging on a sign post, barefoot, wearing a grungy cowboy hat, who says "My seester, she ees virgeen," to every Anglo who walks past. I start joking that the muchacho sells his sister's virginity three or four times a night, and his sister is really his mother.
Several bottles of tequila later, we stagger back to the Datsun. Gearhead dry heaves every ten minutes, Lumpy can't drive stick, and I'm seeing double. Gearhead drops the keys somewhere on his garbage-covered floorboards. I claim the back seat and wait for Mexico to stop spinning. Lumpy starts dancing outside the car to a distant mariachi band.
Muchacho passes by to pimp his sister's virtue. Lumpy sends him for coffee. Muchacho returns with horchata, a handful of beads, and a Chica Bonita.
"Beeg surprise, Meester. Thees my seester. Cover you eyes." Who, me? Si, Meester. Pick my pocket, and I'll break you in half, punk. No, ees nice surprise, you will like very much.
Yeah, well, I let them blindfold me and unzip my pants. It is a nice surprise. She smells good. The second time, in the middle of it, I lift the blindfold. It isn't her mouth doing el Chupacabra on me, but Lumpy's.
Lumpy just misses returning to Base with a black eye. (He gets shipped out to Pensacola, and I never see him again.)
I get back home, and Mom asks if I enjoyed TJ. Missy and Charlie fight over the beads.
Dana keeps asking why I have a blindfold tied to my duffel bag. Little punk.
[end]