Chapter 13
"You look like a man who has a lot on his mind. Anything I can do to help?"
Cameron was standing beside the fireplace staring down into it as though there were actual flames kissing the logs that lay uniformly on the grate. His thoughts were on the meal they just concluded and the uneasy feeling it left him with. He couldn't shake the feeling that Alexis' endless chattering was her way of keeping him from getting close or maybe she was just trying to distance herself from the attention he showered on her the night before. Whatever it was, there was just too much on the line now for him to let it go. His heart was in her hands and it was in danger of starving. He needed to know how she felt about him.
"Cameron? Hey what's got you so melancholy this evening?"
Turning from the fireplace he gazed at Alexis nestled into the corner of the sofa with her feet tucked under her. Such beauty and grace... He shook his head marveling at the inadequacy of such words... words when used to describe every day folk could hold immeasurable power to lift the spirits of disheartened souls... but to use them for this woman... their power greatly diminished in the presence of the woman before him. In her they could not be used to describe, they were words that spoke of who she was rather than what she was like.
"I was just thinking about the words to this lyric I heard a long time ago. It reminds me of you."
"Me?'
Leaving his place beside the imaginary fire he created in his mind he sat down on the floor next to the sofa close enough to touch her.
"Yes, you. I've tried so many times to find some measure of hope in the midst of the lyric, but I keep coming up with a sense of futility."
"And it reminds you of me? Cameron, that's not very flattering."
"Yeah well, you enjoyed enough flattery last night wouldn't you say?"
He watched the blush steal across her cheeks and moving restlessly she began to move her feet out from under her and had to stop when she realized his closeness was preventing her from moving her feet to the floor. He reached out and taking hold of the back of her ankles pulled gently until her feet were free. Her quiet, 'Thank you', reminded him of a butterfly floating through the air.
"You're welcome."
They sat quiet for a few moments... each in their own little world... tossing possibilities and probabilities around like a volleyball. Both afraid of the outcome should the ball stop moving at any time. She spoke first.
"Will you recite it for me?"
"Are you sure?"
A fleeting whisper..."No."
"Then why?"
Looking into her eyes, watching her apprehension grow and agitated fingers search to find silver rings... twisting nervously... back and forth... round and round. Then stopping just long enough for one word to be heard above the frantic beat of a heart on the edge.
"Curiosity."
"That one gets hold of me quite often when I look at you. But, since you asked so nicely..."
He dropped his head a bit and focused his gaze on her hands then began to recite a lyric that spoke the cares of his own heart... more in that moment than ever before.
"Don't go... it's hours 'til dawn
and there's no one who'd rather be with you
I know, you know other guys like me
I let you take my love knowing you don't love me
The dark is getting light and you're dressed to go
And never said a word about tomorrow
But, if I could reach you someway
If I knew the magic it would take
To love you good enough on the outside
To make you feel it on the inside
Maybe I could make you stay
If I could reach you
If I could reach you
See you next time."
Her quiet words stirred the pool of longing in the pit of his stomach.
"She left him anyway... even knowing he... what he felt for her."
"Yes. With everything he did to prove his love for her... she left him anyway. Every time those lyrics play tag in my head I catch myself wondering if there were anything he could have done to let her know just how much he wanted her to stay with him... how much he needed her to stay with him."
She moved abruptly beside him and he suddenly felt chilled by the emptiness of the sofa beside him. He raised his voice slightly...
"Alexis, tell me what I can say to reach you."
His eyes found her standing at the fireplace... her hands gripping the mantle as her forehead lay against them... her muffled words driving a stake into his heart.
"You can't, Cameron. I can't let you... don't you see what a mistake it would be?"
"It's Kristina, isn't it? You have nothing left outside your love for your daughter."
"I have nothing left except my daughter."
Rising slowly he moved to stand beside her and gently turned her to face him. She refused to raise her eyes to meet his.
"That's not true, Alexis."
She pulled away from him violently and strode purposefully to her desk. She yanked open the bottom draw and pulled a thick overflowing file from its depths then returned to stand in front of him. The waves of anger emanating from her forced him back a step as she reached behind him to pull her sister's picture from the mantle. Slamming it on top of the file she thrust it all at him and screamed with more fear than he thought her possible of holding inside.
"They're dead... all of them. Don't you understand? Leave me alone, Cameron. Just leave me the hell alone. I've got enough on my hands just trying to bring my daughter home and hopefully keep her safe after I get her here."
With that she turned on her heel and left the room leaving him to stare after her in shock. Her abrupt fall into dark anger happened so fast it left him reeling. Slowly letting his eyes fall to the items in his hand he returned the picture to the mantel then sat down on the sofa and opened the file. Clipping followed clipping, picture after picture... it was all there. Her mother, her father, a brother's manipulation of death for personal gain, a dried rose in honor of a friend, a sister lost and found then lost again... a child taken. And a loss so deep and overwhelming it could not bear to be found among the remnants of lives loved and lost. A loss so great he could only imagine the grief left in its wake... A lover whose memory held nothing but heartbreak... a loss that she carried alone... it's pain so deep... no paper, no picture, no words could ease it.
Cameron sat there with the evidence of what love had cost her and thought of the many ways she had fought for her daughter. She fought to hang on to the only remaining love she could call her own... in her eyes it must seem to be her last chance. He replaced the file in the drawer she pulled it from... back to its hiding place... back to the darkness of loss that forever tugged at her heart. He ran his hands over his face in an effort to remove the anguish he felt on her behalf then turned to follow her.
He found her lying across her bed clutching her pillow to her heart. Her stillness a testament to the iron will that refused to give in to the heartache that was so much a part of her every waking moment. He lay down beside her and gently pulled her back to him resting his cheek against the side of her face, his arms wrapped around her tightly praying she wouldn't push him away.
"I'm sorry, Alexis. I'm sorry for all that you've lost. But, most of all I'm sorry there was no one to help you carry the load."
"You look like a man who has a lot on his mind. Anything I can do to help?"
Cameron was standing beside the fireplace staring down into it as though there were actual flames kissing the logs that lay uniformly on the grate. His thoughts were on the meal they just concluded and the uneasy feeling it left him with. He couldn't shake the feeling that Alexis' endless chattering was her way of keeping him from getting close or maybe she was just trying to distance herself from the attention he showered on her the night before. Whatever it was, there was just too much on the line now for him to let it go. His heart was in her hands and it was in danger of starving. He needed to know how she felt about him.
"Cameron? Hey what's got you so melancholy this evening?"
Turning from the fireplace he gazed at Alexis nestled into the corner of the sofa with her feet tucked under her. Such beauty and grace... He shook his head marveling at the inadequacy of such words... words when used to describe every day folk could hold immeasurable power to lift the spirits of disheartened souls... but to use them for this woman... their power greatly diminished in the presence of the woman before him. In her they could not be used to describe, they were words that spoke of who she was rather than what she was like.
"I was just thinking about the words to this lyric I heard a long time ago. It reminds me of you."
"Me?'
Leaving his place beside the imaginary fire he created in his mind he sat down on the floor next to the sofa close enough to touch her.
"Yes, you. I've tried so many times to find some measure of hope in the midst of the lyric, but I keep coming up with a sense of futility."
"And it reminds you of me? Cameron, that's not very flattering."
"Yeah well, you enjoyed enough flattery last night wouldn't you say?"
He watched the blush steal across her cheeks and moving restlessly she began to move her feet out from under her and had to stop when she realized his closeness was preventing her from moving her feet to the floor. He reached out and taking hold of the back of her ankles pulled gently until her feet were free. Her quiet, 'Thank you', reminded him of a butterfly floating through the air.
"You're welcome."
They sat quiet for a few moments... each in their own little world... tossing possibilities and probabilities around like a volleyball. Both afraid of the outcome should the ball stop moving at any time. She spoke first.
"Will you recite it for me?"
"Are you sure?"
A fleeting whisper..."No."
"Then why?"
Looking into her eyes, watching her apprehension grow and agitated fingers search to find silver rings... twisting nervously... back and forth... round and round. Then stopping just long enough for one word to be heard above the frantic beat of a heart on the edge.
"Curiosity."
"That one gets hold of me quite often when I look at you. But, since you asked so nicely..."
He dropped his head a bit and focused his gaze on her hands then began to recite a lyric that spoke the cares of his own heart... more in that moment than ever before.
"Don't go... it's hours 'til dawn
and there's no one who'd rather be with you
I know, you know other guys like me
I let you take my love knowing you don't love me
The dark is getting light and you're dressed to go
And never said a word about tomorrow
But, if I could reach you someway
If I knew the magic it would take
To love you good enough on the outside
To make you feel it on the inside
Maybe I could make you stay
If I could reach you
If I could reach you
See you next time."
Her quiet words stirred the pool of longing in the pit of his stomach.
"She left him anyway... even knowing he... what he felt for her."
"Yes. With everything he did to prove his love for her... she left him anyway. Every time those lyrics play tag in my head I catch myself wondering if there were anything he could have done to let her know just how much he wanted her to stay with him... how much he needed her to stay with him."
She moved abruptly beside him and he suddenly felt chilled by the emptiness of the sofa beside him. He raised his voice slightly...
"Alexis, tell me what I can say to reach you."
His eyes found her standing at the fireplace... her hands gripping the mantle as her forehead lay against them... her muffled words driving a stake into his heart.
"You can't, Cameron. I can't let you... don't you see what a mistake it would be?"
"It's Kristina, isn't it? You have nothing left outside your love for your daughter."
"I have nothing left except my daughter."
Rising slowly he moved to stand beside her and gently turned her to face him. She refused to raise her eyes to meet his.
"That's not true, Alexis."
She pulled away from him violently and strode purposefully to her desk. She yanked open the bottom draw and pulled a thick overflowing file from its depths then returned to stand in front of him. The waves of anger emanating from her forced him back a step as she reached behind him to pull her sister's picture from the mantle. Slamming it on top of the file she thrust it all at him and screamed with more fear than he thought her possible of holding inside.
"They're dead... all of them. Don't you understand? Leave me alone, Cameron. Just leave me the hell alone. I've got enough on my hands just trying to bring my daughter home and hopefully keep her safe after I get her here."
With that she turned on her heel and left the room leaving him to stare after her in shock. Her abrupt fall into dark anger happened so fast it left him reeling. Slowly letting his eyes fall to the items in his hand he returned the picture to the mantel then sat down on the sofa and opened the file. Clipping followed clipping, picture after picture... it was all there. Her mother, her father, a brother's manipulation of death for personal gain, a dried rose in honor of a friend, a sister lost and found then lost again... a child taken. And a loss so deep and overwhelming it could not bear to be found among the remnants of lives loved and lost. A loss so great he could only imagine the grief left in its wake... A lover whose memory held nothing but heartbreak... a loss that she carried alone... it's pain so deep... no paper, no picture, no words could ease it.
Cameron sat there with the evidence of what love had cost her and thought of the many ways she had fought for her daughter. She fought to hang on to the only remaining love she could call her own... in her eyes it must seem to be her last chance. He replaced the file in the drawer she pulled it from... back to its hiding place... back to the darkness of loss that forever tugged at her heart. He ran his hands over his face in an effort to remove the anguish he felt on her behalf then turned to follow her.
He found her lying across her bed clutching her pillow to her heart. Her stillness a testament to the iron will that refused to give in to the heartache that was so much a part of her every waking moment. He lay down beside her and gently pulled her back to him resting his cheek against the side of her face, his arms wrapped around her tightly praying she wouldn't push him away.
"I'm sorry, Alexis. I'm sorry for all that you've lost. But, most of all I'm sorry there was no one to help you carry the load."