Chapter 14
"Why did you kiss me that first time..."
He often wondered which one of them would bring that particular event into conversation. At times he thought they would integrate it into one of their many verbal debates, then at other times he thought maybe it was best to leave it alone. But, to have Alexis bring it up during the middle of a personal crisis... She was either searching for something to hang on to or looking for something to validate her already traumatized beliefs regarding love and friendship. It was a throw of the dice as to how she would react to his truth.
"Because I wanted you to see me as a man and not just as someone who could do things for you. And to be quite honest about it... Ned was getting just a little too close to you for my liking."
She struggled to free herself from his hold and when he tightened his arms around her she fell back against him and released an agonizing groan of frustration.
"You have to stop, Cameron. I can't let you do this to me. I can't take any more. I'm running on empty now."
"I can help you, Alexis."
"No you can't. You don't understand, Cameron. It's not just being afraid of losing you. It's so much more than that."
"This is about Kristina's father, isn't it?"
Her whole body stiffened against him and she pleaded with him in a voice full of agony.
"Please don't, Cameron."
He whispered into her ear... "Tell me about him Alexis. Tell me what happened. If not to help me understand, then to help you get past it."
With a stronger forced bravado... "I am past it. It's over and done with."
"No angel, it's not. Every time you look at me you see him... or rather the possibility of being hurt again just as he hurt you if you let yourself feel anything for me or anyone else for that matter."
"That's not true."
"Look at me, Alexis and tell me I'm not speaking the truth."
She turned her head defiantly and looked into his eyes. Her face was unreadable until the moment she turned away when he saw the tears gather in her eyes and a choked reply...
"It's not true."
"And those aren't tears falling down your face either, right?"
"Please Cameron. Please leave it alone", she pleaded with him.
"Don't you see I can't, Alexis? Even if I didn't care so much about you, I couldn't let you continue to suffer day after day without trying to do something to help. But, I do care and it makes it that much harder to watch you desperately fight for a life you can be happy with... a life you deserve... a life you've earned a thousand times over, angel."
During the back and forth of their conversation, Alexis had unconsciously crossed her arms to cover his that still held her captive. Unaware of her actions she gripped his arms tighter and pulled him closer losing herself within the comfort of his arms. She was trembling and he could feel the chill of her skin through her blouse. He was familiar with this particular chill. He knew its clammy hold, it's ability to wrap its icy fingers around your heart and squeeze until you couldn't breath. It was the chill of fear.
"Let me tell you what I think happened and you can tell me if I'm wrong or not. That way it will be me saying the words instead of you. Deal?"
Silence met his ears, so he continued as though she agreed.
"I would imagine that you never intended to fall in love with him. Given your reluctance to allow anyone to get too close, it would follow that you would fight against any kind of an intimate relationship. I figure you probably didn't care a lot for him in the beginning. But, time took care of that. Maybe you worked together or something. You probably became friends first. One thing led to another and you found yourself falling for him. But, that wasn't something you were comfortable with so you fought it as hard as you possibly could. One night you lost the fight and Kristina was conceived. You tell him you're pregnant and he takes a walk."
"He doesn't know."
Words so soft he almost missed them. But, the soft sobs coming from her were hard to miss. Untangling one of his arms he reached up and gently brushed the hair away from her face and began to softly run his fingers through it comfortingly. She shifted slightly and turned just enough to be able to lean comfortably against him and if need be, he figured, to peek at him from the corner of her eyes to judge his response to what she was revealing of herself. Taking his hand away from her he reached toward the headboard to grab a pillow to prop his head on as he prepared to hear a story he imagined no one had ever been privileged to hear her tell before.
"A lot of what you said is true. I never intended to fall in love with him. He was a client in the beginning. But, there was so much that we had in common. We shared a lot of similar experiences. I found myself really caring about him. And the more we were together, the closer we became. We were friends... the best of friends. He knows me probably better than I know myself. We shared so much with each other... I felt safe with him. But, I let my heart get in the way and I fell in love with him. Things happened. His wife came back... or ex-wife. It was hard to keep up with them. He went back to her and I tried to hang on to the relationship, but then I found out I was pregnant. I tried to tell him about Kristina a couple of times, but in the end... if he knew she was his... I made the decision to hide my daughter's paternity from her father. If he were to know... he would take her away from me."
"Condensed version?"
"Very condensed."
He put his lips close to her ear.
"He can't take Kristina away from you, Alexis."
"You don't know him, Cameron. I would lose my daughter if he knew she was his."
"I know who he is, Alexis."
She froze in his arms and her eyes rose to meet his and his heart broke at the fear and distress that caused her beautiful face to contort into a mask of embarrassment at being linked romantically with such a man... no matter what she felt for him.
"It doesn't take a genius to figure it out, Alexis. And besides, there is a pretty powerful grapevine down at GH. It was Sonny Corinthos, wasn't it?"
She turned away from him and buried her face in the comforter they were laying on and once again let go of a mountain of sorrow caused by all the losses she had suffered throughout her lifetime. She cried for 'him'... a friend turned lover... lost... and for a daughter who would grow up without him. She cried for her beautiful mother and the father she couldn't remember. She cried for Chloe and Kristina. She cried for Jax and sadly... for Ned. But, most of all she cried for broken dreams and wishes made upon eyelashes held between the fingers of trust sadly broken... for the life ahead of her still waiting to bring her to her knees. She cried for the man who held her... wanting nothing more than to be able to accept what he offered. Wanting to be loved... needing to love.
Cameron lay beside her, gently rubbing his hand up and down her back while she cried... he lay there for an hour waiting for the storm to subside in the heart of the woman who held him in the palm of her hand. When her sobs quieted and her body finally lay still, he reached to pull her closer to him and found that exhaustion, born of torment, had finally claimed his angel. Carefully pulling her back to his chest he lay his head against hers and allowed himself to follow her into sleep. They were not through with this conversation by any means, but she needed to rest. She needed time to recover and put on her 'total control and able to fight the world' facade. He would not take that safety net from her. She needed it to survive the battle and he would help her maintain it until the battle was won. Then... then maybe she would look at him... and maybe... just maybe.
As sleep marked its claim on him he felt her small delicate hand search for him and curl snuggly into his palm. The sigh of relief she breathed clutched at his heart and warmed a body that was infused with his own cold fear at the possibility of losing her. Leaning closer, his lips sought her and found a place to rest just above her ear. Lingering a moment to let her scent fill his mind and heart he then leaned back and whispered for her ears only...
"You have my heart, angel. Be kind with it."
"Why did you kiss me that first time..."
He often wondered which one of them would bring that particular event into conversation. At times he thought they would integrate it into one of their many verbal debates, then at other times he thought maybe it was best to leave it alone. But, to have Alexis bring it up during the middle of a personal crisis... She was either searching for something to hang on to or looking for something to validate her already traumatized beliefs regarding love and friendship. It was a throw of the dice as to how she would react to his truth.
"Because I wanted you to see me as a man and not just as someone who could do things for you. And to be quite honest about it... Ned was getting just a little too close to you for my liking."
She struggled to free herself from his hold and when he tightened his arms around her she fell back against him and released an agonizing groan of frustration.
"You have to stop, Cameron. I can't let you do this to me. I can't take any more. I'm running on empty now."
"I can help you, Alexis."
"No you can't. You don't understand, Cameron. It's not just being afraid of losing you. It's so much more than that."
"This is about Kristina's father, isn't it?"
Her whole body stiffened against him and she pleaded with him in a voice full of agony.
"Please don't, Cameron."
He whispered into her ear... "Tell me about him Alexis. Tell me what happened. If not to help me understand, then to help you get past it."
With a stronger forced bravado... "I am past it. It's over and done with."
"No angel, it's not. Every time you look at me you see him... or rather the possibility of being hurt again just as he hurt you if you let yourself feel anything for me or anyone else for that matter."
"That's not true."
"Look at me, Alexis and tell me I'm not speaking the truth."
She turned her head defiantly and looked into his eyes. Her face was unreadable until the moment she turned away when he saw the tears gather in her eyes and a choked reply...
"It's not true."
"And those aren't tears falling down your face either, right?"
"Please Cameron. Please leave it alone", she pleaded with him.
"Don't you see I can't, Alexis? Even if I didn't care so much about you, I couldn't let you continue to suffer day after day without trying to do something to help. But, I do care and it makes it that much harder to watch you desperately fight for a life you can be happy with... a life you deserve... a life you've earned a thousand times over, angel."
During the back and forth of their conversation, Alexis had unconsciously crossed her arms to cover his that still held her captive. Unaware of her actions she gripped his arms tighter and pulled him closer losing herself within the comfort of his arms. She was trembling and he could feel the chill of her skin through her blouse. He was familiar with this particular chill. He knew its clammy hold, it's ability to wrap its icy fingers around your heart and squeeze until you couldn't breath. It was the chill of fear.
"Let me tell you what I think happened and you can tell me if I'm wrong or not. That way it will be me saying the words instead of you. Deal?"
Silence met his ears, so he continued as though she agreed.
"I would imagine that you never intended to fall in love with him. Given your reluctance to allow anyone to get too close, it would follow that you would fight against any kind of an intimate relationship. I figure you probably didn't care a lot for him in the beginning. But, time took care of that. Maybe you worked together or something. You probably became friends first. One thing led to another and you found yourself falling for him. But, that wasn't something you were comfortable with so you fought it as hard as you possibly could. One night you lost the fight and Kristina was conceived. You tell him you're pregnant and he takes a walk."
"He doesn't know."
Words so soft he almost missed them. But, the soft sobs coming from her were hard to miss. Untangling one of his arms he reached up and gently brushed the hair away from her face and began to softly run his fingers through it comfortingly. She shifted slightly and turned just enough to be able to lean comfortably against him and if need be, he figured, to peek at him from the corner of her eyes to judge his response to what she was revealing of herself. Taking his hand away from her he reached toward the headboard to grab a pillow to prop his head on as he prepared to hear a story he imagined no one had ever been privileged to hear her tell before.
"A lot of what you said is true. I never intended to fall in love with him. He was a client in the beginning. But, there was so much that we had in common. We shared a lot of similar experiences. I found myself really caring about him. And the more we were together, the closer we became. We were friends... the best of friends. He knows me probably better than I know myself. We shared so much with each other... I felt safe with him. But, I let my heart get in the way and I fell in love with him. Things happened. His wife came back... or ex-wife. It was hard to keep up with them. He went back to her and I tried to hang on to the relationship, but then I found out I was pregnant. I tried to tell him about Kristina a couple of times, but in the end... if he knew she was his... I made the decision to hide my daughter's paternity from her father. If he were to know... he would take her away from me."
"Condensed version?"
"Very condensed."
He put his lips close to her ear.
"He can't take Kristina away from you, Alexis."
"You don't know him, Cameron. I would lose my daughter if he knew she was his."
"I know who he is, Alexis."
She froze in his arms and her eyes rose to meet his and his heart broke at the fear and distress that caused her beautiful face to contort into a mask of embarrassment at being linked romantically with such a man... no matter what she felt for him.
"It doesn't take a genius to figure it out, Alexis. And besides, there is a pretty powerful grapevine down at GH. It was Sonny Corinthos, wasn't it?"
She turned away from him and buried her face in the comforter they were laying on and once again let go of a mountain of sorrow caused by all the losses she had suffered throughout her lifetime. She cried for 'him'... a friend turned lover... lost... and for a daughter who would grow up without him. She cried for her beautiful mother and the father she couldn't remember. She cried for Chloe and Kristina. She cried for Jax and sadly... for Ned. But, most of all she cried for broken dreams and wishes made upon eyelashes held between the fingers of trust sadly broken... for the life ahead of her still waiting to bring her to her knees. She cried for the man who held her... wanting nothing more than to be able to accept what he offered. Wanting to be loved... needing to love.
Cameron lay beside her, gently rubbing his hand up and down her back while she cried... he lay there for an hour waiting for the storm to subside in the heart of the woman who held him in the palm of her hand. When her sobs quieted and her body finally lay still, he reached to pull her closer to him and found that exhaustion, born of torment, had finally claimed his angel. Carefully pulling her back to his chest he lay his head against hers and allowed himself to follow her into sleep. They were not through with this conversation by any means, but she needed to rest. She needed time to recover and put on her 'total control and able to fight the world' facade. He would not take that safety net from her. She needed it to survive the battle and he would help her maintain it until the battle was won. Then... then maybe she would look at him... and maybe... just maybe.
As sleep marked its claim on him he felt her small delicate hand search for him and curl snuggly into his palm. The sigh of relief she breathed clutched at his heart and warmed a body that was infused with his own cold fear at the possibility of losing her. Leaning closer, his lips sought her and found a place to rest just above her ear. Lingering a moment to let her scent fill his mind and heart he then leaned back and whispered for her ears only...
"You have my heart, angel. Be kind with it."