"Don't go too far."
She was almost out of the room when she heard Zander call softly. Turning to face him her heart broke at the fear etched on his face, but his quiet words tore her apart and the look of agreement in his father's eyes almost sent her back to them both to pull them to her breast. Such strong brave men with little boy hearts full of the need to be loved and approved of; such false bravado in the face of what they yearned for most.
"I won't be far away. Just call and I'll be here."
She left the room, but just as she turned the corner she stopped and sat down on the floor close enough to be able to hear them. She wasn't going any further than she had to. Tucking her knees close to her chest she wrapped her arms around her legs and laid her head down to listen and wait.
***********
Cameron looked around him at the mess he and his son unintentionally wreaked on Alexis' apartment and took a deep breath. He didn't know where to start, didn't know how to start talking to his son about matters that after years could still cause so much destruction. He reached down to move the broken coffee table out of the way. Finding it uncooperative he looked up at Zander and pointed to the other side of the table.
"Would you take that end and help me move this thing out of the way. I don't want Alexis to hurt herself on it."
Zander hesitated at the idea of getting so close to his dad but his concern for Alexis won the feud in his heart. Stepping over the rubble he leaned down to grab hold of the opposite end of the table and between the silent tug of war to decide who should be the one to walk backward, they finally accomplished the task of moving it to the other side of the room. Just as he dropped his end to the floor, Zander winced and gritted his teeth against the pain that sliced through his palm.
"Damn."
"What?"
"Nothing."
"What is it, so… Alexander?
"It's nothing."
"Well your 'nothing' is bleeding all over Alexis' floor."
"I'll handle it."
"Fine."
Cameron watched his son stride from the room toward the kitchen and bent his head toward his chest shaking it back and forth. It was going to be hard talking to the boy. It had always been hard talking to Alexander. His own inability to explain his actions and his son's inability to give an inch was going to make for a battle of wills that Cameron knew his son needed to win this time. One of them was going to have to let go of their pride if they intended to get any where this evening and Cameron knew it would have to be him. He caused the destruction they were facing and it was up to him to fix it… if he could. He stood at the fireplace staring down into the darkness and shivered as the cool icicles of fear threatened to pierce the walls of his heart. Hearing Alexander re-enter the room, he kept his back to him and prayed for the words to come.
He reached up and grasped the mantle. He couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing. Running his hand along the mantle as he tried to figure it out he jumped slightly as his hand knocked over the picture of Kristina, Alexis' sister. As the picture fell backward, Cameron realized what was missing and reached into his back pocket to retrieve his wallet. Opening it he slipped his fingers in between the plastic pocket and gently pulled. The picture stubbornly refused to budge from its place of honored rest, so Cameron placed his wallet on the mantel so it could pose as a temporary frame. The words would come now. He turned as he heard his son speak.
"What are you doing?"
"Pete needs to hear this as much as you do, Alexander."
"Pete's gone."
"No, he's not. I am constantly reminded of that fact every time I hear someone call your name. You chose well, Alexander. You honor him every time someone addresses you. I think he would be proud."
"If he were alive, you mean."
Hands that shook at the depth of pain he saw in his son slid into deep pockets grabbing hold of the cloth that created the perfect hiding place for emotions too raw to be seen.
"He's alive in you, Alexander. You did something for Pete that I couldn't do. You were there for him. His last thoughts this side of the grave were for you."
"What do you mean?"
Cameron reached back up to the mantle and picked up his wallet. Opening it wide he pulled a ragged brown edged tear stained note from its depths and taking a step toward his son offered it to him.
"There were two notes. One for your mother and I and one for you."
Zander took a step backward as hope and regret for what his father was holding raced through him. Pete left him a note. He didn't forget his promise after all. They promised each other when they were eight and ten years old they would never leave without saying good-bye. He didn't get to say good-bye to Pete before he left. It was another promise broken that caused a heart so full of open wounds to bleed relentlessly. The love of a brother, the relief of a promise kept and the memory of a blood oath reached for the tattered letter. Taking it between trembling fingers, Zander very carefully pulled the edges apart and turned his back to his father as he caught sight of the measured script his brother had practiced hour after hour to perfect. "Architects have to be good writers", he explained. "I want to build the biggest most awesome buildings, Zan. I'll draw 'em up and you can help me build 'em. It'll be great… just the two of us building skyscrapers together. We'll build 'em high enough so we can hide in the clouds. We'll be the best there is and the old man won't know what hit him."
They dreamed a lot together. They would head to the lake and lay down on their backs for hours and make plans for their future… just the two of them. After they planned out everything for themselves they would begin to whisper about the type of girls they wanted to marry, and how they would each have a son so they could grow up together like he and Pete did. Dreams. Dreams that now lay buried under a finely cut stone of such garish nature that the one who survived to walk alone never returned to stand by its side. His brother would be offended by such ostentatious surroundings. So Zander took what he could of his brother with him and never returned to the graveyard on the hill where the best part of himself lay lost among the wealth and prominence of strangers.
Tears coursed down Zander's face and anger so deep, pain so massive erupted in his heart and he turned lunging toward the man who put his brother in that place. Grabbing hold of the lapels of the sport jacket his dad wore with hands that felt like lead weights, he heard the wrinkled sound of a lost brothers final words and it sent a white hot jolt of lightening through him. He looked up into the eyes of the man he wanted to hurt, wanted to destroy just as Pete had been destroyed, and shook him with a blinding rage that screamed his hearts agony.
"WHY, why did you kill him? Why couldn't you see what you were doing to all of us? Didn't you care at all about Pete? Did you ever once ask what he wanted to do with his life? Did you know he wanted to build skyscrapers tall enough so we could hide in the clouds? How could you not see that you were tearing him apart day after day? So you come here and start on me. What? Want to finish the job… so go ahead, here I am… kill me like you killed Pete."
His knees buckled under his grief and he slid to the floor at his father's feet still clutching his brother's last good-bye.
And just outside the door a woman's heart and soul grieved for the empty loss of the boy who stole her heart sitting in the PCPD years ago. Tears fell in rivers as her head leaned backed against the wall and arms that ached to hold him close to her heart hugged her knees tighter.
Cameron knelt beside his son and reached for him only to stop before making contact. The boy didn't want his touch and he couldn't blame him. Alexander knew so much of the son that was lost to him… his memories of his brother so much richer than the father's for either of his sons. He couldn't bear to see his son hurting so much so he gave him what he could… the only thing he thought the boy would take from him now.
"Okay, son. We'll do it your way. I won't bother you again. I'm sorry for everything I did and didn't do… if I could change it all I would. If I could take Pete's place I would. But, it's past now and I can't change the past, but I can let go of you so you can get back to your life without my shadow hanging over you. I love you, son. I want you to remember that. I love you just as much as I loved Pete. You take care of yourself son and take care of Alexis for me. Someday we'll… well just take care of yourself."
Cameron stood and looked toward the ceiling trying to keep control of his emotions. He couldn't believe he was walking away again. He turned back to look at his son who still sat bent over clutching the letter that should have been his years ago. He took a deep breath and wiped the tear from his face and walked toward the door.
"You take one step out that door Cameron Lewis and I'll make sure you never enjoy another peaceful day in your life. Are you such a coward that you can't give your son what he needs in order to put to rest the pain he lives with every day of his life?"
His eyes found her in the doorway, her shirt stained with tears.
"Look at him, Alexis. He can't bear the sight of me."
"I'm not having much luck myself right now if you want to know the truth. Do you think this is what he wants… his father walking out on him again? Have you no insight at all where your son is concerned?"
"Can't you see what this is doing to him? I have to do what I can to make his life easier."
"And believe me you're going to, buddy. But, walking out on him again is not an option. Now get your ass in the kitchen and make a pot of coffee and don't come out here again until I call you. Do you understand me?"
He had never seen her so angry before. His son and the woman he loved; both so intensely angry with him. How was a man supposed to survive it; how was he supposed to live with himself after today? Looking at the fire in her eyes he folded. Removing his jacket, he walked to the kitchen leaving Alexis to take care of his son. If anyone could reach him now, it would be her.
As she strode past him toward his son the heat of her anger slapping at him mercilessly, he heard her enraged rant.
"Will I ever be delivered from men who have no concept of how to love their children? You'd think they would learn from their damn mistakes, but no they have it all under control until their perfect little idea of how to play house is blown out of the water by life and they crumble like a house of cards."
Stuffing his hands back into his pockets he headed for the kitchen knowing that every word she spoke was the absolute truth.