"Hey, sweetheart."
Alexis sat down on the floor beside Zander and pulled him gently into her arms. He had not moved since his overpowering release of anger toward his father. She knew he was battling to pull himself together, to step back into the persona of the tough careless loner that protected him from a past that he ran from just as his brother did years earlier. She also knew that Zander had finally reached his breaking point. He couldn't hide his broken heart any longer. She sat there and rocked him back and forth as she did his father earlier and whispered calm soothing words to him until his head finally fell to her shoulder. He allowed her to hold him and when his breathing slowed to normal she saw him lift his hand still clutching the letter and offer it to her without leaving her embrace or the comfort of her shoulder. His voice was a ragged ghostly echo of the strong vibrant voice she knew him to possess.
"He didn't forget. He remembered the oath. Pete remembered… he didn't forget me."
Alexis reached for the tattered letter. It was infused with the warmth of being clutched so tightly in a fevered desperate hand; a testament to a love that never faded and the need to once again hold on to anything that had once belonged to his brother.
"Have you read it yet?"
She felt him shake his head and barely heard his muffled words.
"I can't."
"Would you like me to read it to you?"
She felt his head nod once and the shudder that ran through him shook her to the depths of her soul. With arms reaching around him, not willing to let go, she began to carefully open the letter. Once it was open and she could see the perfect handwriting she placed an arm around Zander again and began to read quietly.
Hey Zan,
I promised I wouldn't leave without saying good-bye. But it's time and I have to go, man. I can't stay here anymore. It's just too much to take now. I want to go where I can be myself and not feel sorry about it or make anybody angry because I didn't do what they wanted. You understand that, I know you do. You gotta know it's the hardest thing to leave you holding the bag. But, you're stronger than me. You always have been. I wish I could have been more like you. I wish it had just been me and you. We could have made our own way and it would have been bigger and better than anything the old man ever did. Build me a skyscraper, Zan. Build it high enough to touch the sky and I'll be there waiting for you. I love you man. Be what you want to be and fly high. Find that girl you told me about and have a couple of sons. Name 'em after you and me. Let 'em grow up together and teach them how to dream like we did. Maybe then you and I can live the way we were supposed to. Keep dreaming little brother and don't you ever give up.
Brothers forever,
Pete
By the time Alexis finished the letter she was crying as hard as the boy she held close to her heart. Dropping the letter to the floor she pulled him tighter to her and rocked them both back and forth. He cried for his lost brother... and Alexis for two lost brothers. One who took the easy way out and the other who pulled himself out of bed every morning to face a world without his best friend, his brother… the other side of himself.
After starting the coffee Cameron quietly returned and took a seat at the dining room table to listen to the conversation between Alexis and Zander. From where they were seated on the floor he couldn't be seen. But he needed to hear what they said to each other. He needed to learn how to talk to his son. He needed to hear how much his sons were hurt by their time in his home. Listening to the words Pete left his brother being read aloud, Cameron finally understood the depth of the boys' connection. They held a bond that even death couldn't sever. There was no room for jealousy now; only the guilt and shame for ripping apart a relationship the world and all its uncertainties couldn't have touched. Cameron got up from the table and quietly stepped out onto the balcony afraid they would hear the torment he couldn't control. Grabbing hold of the railing he let the tears fall as he raged against himself for destroying his sons lives. Hearing the heart of his dead son, Cameron wished with all his soul that he had paid attention to his what his sons wanted. If he could have Pete back with Zander, he'd gladly give his life in exchange. His youngest son… the strong one survived and made a life for himself free of the rest of them. He weathered the past better than his father, his brother or his mother. But, it wasn't finished yet, his son still needed to further relieve himself of the burden he had carried for years and Cameron couldn't hide from it any longer. Straightening back up, he wiped his eyes and stepped back into the room re-claiming his chair at the dining table just in time to hear Alexis begin the questions that he himself wanted to ask.
"Was that the oath, Zander? That you wouldn't leave without saying good-bye?"
"Yeah. We stole dad's pocket knife and went down to the lake real early one morning. Pete said if we were going to do it right we had to be able to see the sun rise. He made this big production out of cutting our fingers and tying them together. We called it the 'Sacred Blood Oath of the Brothers Lewis'. And we promised that if it ever got too bad and one of us needed to leave for a while we'd say good-bye first. I still got the scar from the cut. Pete said we couldn't both leave together cause someone had to stay with mom. I used to get so mad at him because he wouldn't even talk about taking off together. I didn't think it would be like this though."
Realization began to dawn on Alexis of what was actually causing Zander the most distress.
"Did you and Pete talk about leaving a lot?"
"Pete did more than me. But, he had to put up with the stuff more than I did. He couldn't walk away like me. I didn't care if the old man got mad at me, but Pete did. He couldn't stand anybody being mad at him."
"Did you two talk about how you would leave?"
"…Not much."
The stiffening of his back against her arm and his hesitant answer told Alexis that she was on the right track. Zander was holding a lot of guilt for some reason.
"Do you remember the last time you talked about it, Zander?"
"…Yeah."
"Can you tell me?"
She felt him shift within her arms and relaxed her hold enough to give him the freedom to move away if that was what he needed. But instead of moving completely away from her he turned and leaned his back against her breast so his head could rest easier on her shoulder. She leaned back against the sofa to support their weight with her arms still holding him to her.
"He came upstairs from having it out with Dad. He tried to tell dad that he didn't want to be a doctor, but like always, dad wouldn't listen to him. Pete shoved his last test at me and I knew how bad the fight was because of the grade. Pete hated studying anything that didn't get him closer to becoming an architect and English Lit just wasn't one of his strong subjects. It was a 'D' and I figured dad went nuts on him. Pete wasn't as angry as I thought he should have been. He was different that last time… like he didn't care anymore. He laid down on the bed and put his hands behind his head and looked at me like he was fixing to tell me the secrets of the world. All he said was, 'I won't leave unless I say good-bye first. I promise on the sacred blood oath.' He turned over and didn't say anything else. It was the next weekend that he… he left."
"Why are you blaming yourself, Zander?"
He froze in her arms and she squeezed him tighter, then reached up to brush his hair from his face. She felt the tension in his body and knew exactly what Zander was feeling.
"When dad told me he shot himself it all kind of made sense, but I couldn't handle letting Pete down so I just blamed dad more. Pete told me what he was going to do and I didn't hear him right. If I had really listened to him I might could have stopped him."
She ran her fingers through his hair once more to pull it out of his eyes then pulled him a bit closer. Her words were soft and full of compassion.
"It doesn't work that way, Zander. Pete wanted out and nothing you could have said would have saved him. He lost hope and you couldn't give it back to him. It wasn't yours to give."
Cameron heard her quiet words and the import of them slammed into him with a force that knocked him backward. He did it. He stole from his boy the only thing that was keeping him alive; his future with his brother… his dreams of hiding in clouds away from the madness of an ego driven father. Cameron's head fell onto his hands that rested on the table and his tears quickly formed a puddle that reflected the emptiness Pete must have felt when he looked at him that last time. How could he face his youngest son now? And yet, how could he not? Alexis was right, he took his boys' hope and he needed to make sure Alexander never blamed himself again for what went wrong. He stood up slowly and shifted the weight of burden across his shoulders then turned to face his son. As he rounded the sofa he stopped and looked down at Alexis holding his son as though she were afraid to let go… as if he would disappear if she let go. Yet another lesson to learn for a man who desperately wanted to be a father. When they both looked up he said the words that his son needed to hear.
"You were right, Alexander. I did kill your brother and I have nothing to offer you for his life that is worth the pain you've suffered because of it. But, if you want to know how we all ended up here, I'll tell you as honestly as I know how and I'll be here long after we're done. I won't leave you again… ever. And I won't ask anything of you either."
He watched his son leave the comfort of Alexis' arms and stand up then reach down to help his surrogate mother up to stand beside him. Cameron noticed he didn't let go of Alexis' hand as she stood beside him.
"I want to know why you pushed him to be something he wasn't… something he didn't want to be."
Both men looked to Alexis as she spoke quietly to Zander.
"Zander this is as much about you as it is about your brother. Don't leave out what you need just to satisfy what you want to know about Pete."
"She's right, Alexander. I failed you just as much as I failed Pete and your mother. Why don't we sit down and let me tell you how it all started and where I think I first started to screw things up for all of us."
Zander needed time to put himself back together and he didn't need his dad knowing he was close to losing it again.
"Can I take a break first? Get a coke."
"I can get it for you, sweetheart." It was an offer she felt she should make as their hostess, but she could see Zander needed a break so wasn't surprised when he declined.
"No, that's okay. I'll get it."
Cameron watched his son leave the room and then looked toward Alexis.
"Thank you for taking care of him. I didn't know about the talks he had with Pete. No wonder he hates me so much."
Alexis reached for him and lay her hand just under his jaw and ran her thumb back and forth through the mane of his beard.
"He doesn't hate you, Cameron. He doesn't know what he feels anymore outside of the pain and anger. But, you have a chance to reach him now. If you want to."
"Oh I want to. I just don't really know where to start outside of telling him how everything got so messed up in the first place."
"So tell him."
"Don't leave this time, Alexis. Help me reach my son. Just be here… for both of us."
She took a step closer then lifted up to kiss him gently on his other cheek her hand falling to rest just above his heart.
"I can do that."
He reached up to cover her hand with his and looked deep into her eyes.
"I think I know now why I haven't been able to shake this obsession I've had with you."
Her eyes grew wide at his confession. Her whisper held more than a little apprehension.
"Why's that?"
"You don't quit. When you love… you don't give up. Like how you've fought for your daughter. You'll do anything to keep the people you love safe. You fight for them with every ounce of strength you have in you. Whatever good you see in them, you're not satisfied until they see it as well. Don't give up on me, Alexis. Don't give up on me like I gave up on my sons."
"She's not likely to do that. Alexis doesn't give up. Evidently she sees something worth hanging on to in you… enough to put up with all this crap from us. So tell me what that is. What does Alexis see in you that Pete and me didn't?"
Cameron and Alexis both turned as Zander came back into the room. His voice was back to normal or as normal as it could be and his shoulders were again successfully holding the weight of loss he was accustomed to.
"I honestly don't know, son. I think that's something you're going to have to ask Alexis. After finally understanding the full import of my life on my son's… and knowing she knows it as well… it's a lot for a man to deal with."
"Em's like that. She knows me; dirt and all, but loves me anyway. So you ready to do this, that is if Alexis isn't ready to throw us both out of here for bringing all this garbage in on her."
As Zander turned to accept whatever answer she gave him, she stepped closer to him and wrapped her arm around his waist and pulled him close.
"You two have pulled me into the middle of this and I'm not going anywhere until it is resolved. So just get that into that thick head of yours right now, mister."
Cameron watched his son's arm fall across Alexis' shoulders and the smile he gave her was one he had never seen before on his son's face. Whatever Zander was looking for when he ran away from home, he found it in the lady that had claimed his own heart. If they had nothing else in common, the Lewis men knew a good woman when they found one and it was this woman who would bridge the gap between them until they could walk across it themselves and meet in the middle.