"Why did you wait so long to give me my letter from Pete?"
Cameron raised his hand to stop Alexis from interfering when he saw her lean forward and open her mouth. The conversation was not going to proceed as she would have liked from here on out. Alexander would not be willing to sit back and just listen. It had always been a point of contention between them since the day the boy learned to talk. Alexander was never one to sit back and wait for something to happen if it was an issue that meant a lot to him. Catching Alexis' eye he nodded his head once to let her know that it was okay. As time progressed she would come to understand their mutual game of tug-of-war if she didn't already given how close she was to his son.
"I thought you had enough to deal with and I didn't want to see you hurt anymore."
"Doesn't seem like that was your call to make. How would you know anything about what me and Pete wanted? You were never around enough to know and what time we did see you it was because you were stuck up in our face giving us hell about something we weren't doing the way you thought it shoulda' been done."
"You have a point, Alexander but I still thought it would be better to wait."
"Better for me or better for you? You evidently haven't learned a whole lot over the past few years if you think you can walk in here and start dictating what I should do with my life or how I should live it."
Alexis couldn't stay quiet. Zander no longer seemed to be interested in the why of their situation. It appeared that all Zander wanted was to lash out and hurt as much as he was hurt. She understood where he was coming from, but it wasn't very productive for either of the men who now appeared to be facing off to engage in an all too familiar battle of will.
"That's not what he's saying, Zander. His only motivation was to save you more heartache."
"Is that why he waltzed in here like he did and started blaming me for Pete's death all over again even when he knew it wasn't my fault?"
"I'm sure he has the answer to your question if you would just let him talk."
Cameron interrupted the conversation between the two. He was losing patience with his son.
"Is this the way you really want to do this, Alexander. Do you really want to spend hours throwing insults and sarcastic remarks at me, or do you want me to give you the answers you say you've wanted all along?"
Alexis watched Zander fairly leap from the sofa beside her and quickly stood up making a grab for his arm as he started toward his father. He immediately stopped when he felt her hand on his arm as she moved to stand between father and son trying to control her own anger.
"If all you two are interested in is seeing how riled you can get each other then we are not going to get very far. Now both of you go sit down at the dining table. ACROSS from each other and don't get up again and don't open your mouth until I get back. I need a cup of coffee."
When they both refused to budge, Alexis released an exasperated sigh and reached up gently pushing Zander toward the dining room and looked up at Cameron nodding her head in the direction she wanted him walking in.
"NOW."
"Alexis, you don't have to treat us as though we were children."
"Don't I? Let's see if I've got this straight. You ask for help with your son, your son comes over here to talk to you… you're both standing here like militants ready to face off for another of what I gather are your legendary battles and you don't think you should be treated like children? Get in the dining room, Cameron and sit down like I asked you to."
"Asked, Alexis?"
"Alright told you to go. Cameron, this is not the time to question my choice of words."
She turned toward Zander as he flipped a remark her way.
"This is not going to work, Alexis. Let's just chalk it up to another death in the family and walk away."
"Zander Smith, I don't think I've ever been as angry with you as I am right now. You haven't stopped attacking him since you walked in that door. What's wrong with you? Are you so afraid of actually getting what you claim to want that you're willing to throw this chance away with both hands? If you would hold that tongue of yours long enough you would see that your father has yet to raise his voice, return any of your condescending insults or even try to defend himself against them. Where is this monster you keep telling me you have as a father? Now go sit down at the dining table before I lose my patience with both of you."
Both men turned toward the general direction of the dining room and reluctantly made their way into the room and sat across from each other as they were commanded to. Neither spoke until Alexis returned from the kitchen with two cups of coffee. Placing one in front of Cameron she laid her hand briefly on his arm to hopefully ease the tension of her earlier words. Sitting down at the head of the table she set her cup down and leaned back crossing her legs.
"Now, this is the way we are going to do this. Zander, I'm going to start this off with something your father told me and you are going to listen to him until he is finished explaining and then you will have your turn to address the matter. Does that suit everyone?"
Cameron looked a little apprehensive given everything he disclosed to her earlier, but he wasn't getting anywhere with the boy so maybe her way would be the best. He nodded and looked over to his son who sat defiantly waiting to see if his old man would go for it.
Zander looked back at Alexis and nodded once, mimicking his father.
"Okay then. Cameron… based on what you explained to me earlier, would you agree that you had an unhealthy view of the relationship you witnessed between your sons?"
Zander stood abruptly with a look of surprise and confusion on his face and the words came before he could stop them.
"JUST WHAT DID YOU…"
"Zander, sit down. It is not your turn to speak."
Alexis looked at him sternly and reached to lay her hand on Cameron's arm to still the quick defensive remark she knew was about to be released never taking her eyes away from his son.
"If I have to tie you to that chair Zander, I will. And don't think I haven't thought about taping your mouth shut."
Zander returned to his chair sheepishly mumbling something about being sorry. Alexis finally turned to rest her eyes on Cameron whose eyes were studying the table in front of him.
There was only one way to get the boy's complete attention and that was to give him something to prove that at least some of what he thought about his father was correct. It meant opening himself up for more abusive remarks as well as giving his son a bulls-eye target on his heart. He drew a deep breath and began.
"When I came to town I wasn't ready to admit to my son that, as a man, I failed to do right by my family. Being a man is more than holding down a job and providing for his family. I finally had to admit to myself that I failed in the one thing every boy dreams of becoming… a man who understands his role in the world. When I looked at you that first day after all those years… you were a reminder of that failure and I didn't handle it very well. For that I am sorry, son. I think what got to me the most, was that from everything I was hearing about you and your relationship with Emily, you seemed to have been able to accomplish what I couldn't. It didn't sit too well with me, so I lashed out… again. It seems that with you, I'm always trying to catch up."
"Catch up, I don't understand."
Hearing Zander interrupt didn't bother Alexis this time. His voice was curious and questioning rather than accusatory, so she sat back again and let them proceed at their own pace. Cameron left enough of his heart on the table to reach Zander and she knew it was time for her to let him take control of the conversation.
"You've always been confident of yourself, Alexander. There has never been a time that you didn't know exactly how you felt about something or what you wanted to do in any given circumstance. Peter may have been the oldest in age, but you were the wisest. You were always the one who knew how to make something happen. More often than not when you boys left the house, it was Peter following you. He wanted to be like you. I could see it in his eyes and… and…"
Cameron's head fell forward. How could he say it to his son? How could he tell his son just how sick he was? He felt her hand cover his and he placed his other hand on top of hers and looked toward her.
"Just say it, Cameron. Once the words are out there you are no longer their prisoner. Just tell him like you told me."
He smiled weakly then looked toward his son briefly before his eyes fell to the hand he was now holding between both of his. Whatever happened, she was here. Together they could handle it. Taking a deep breath he released it slowly letting the words find their way to his son's ears.
"Most of what I put you through son, was because I was jealous of your relationship with Peter."
There… it was finally out. Cameron sat there waiting for his son to erupt and frowned with confusion as silence filled the room. He looked up to face his son and couldn't tell what the boy was thinking. He felt Alexis squeeze his hand and pull away. She stood up and moved to kneel beside Alexander.
"Zander, sweetheart, are you okay?"
His eyes left his father to find her. He looked into her eyes for a moment then stood and walked across the room putting as much distance between himself and his father as he could. Raising his fist to his mouth he chewed on his forefinger a moment trying to still the flood inside then shook his head and met his father's eyes across the room.
"Why? With everything you had… your career, your social status… the cars, boats, that monster of a house… you had it all. Why?"
Cameron stood and walked to the opposite corner of the room. The distance between father and son could not be measured by the length of a room no matter how hard they tried… now it could only be measured by time and wounds inflicted and a wealth of misunderstanding. Alexis returned to her chair and left them to try and heal some of the damage.
"I had everything except Peter's love. You had the one thing I wanted most in the whole world."
Zander felt the omission in his soul. Once again Pete took priority with his dad. Refusing to let anyone know how much it hurt, he shoved it to the side and faced his father again.
"I thought all you wanted was me and Pete to be doctors like you."
Alexis saw the pain flash through Zander's eyes as she recognized the omission in the same moment he did. She turned to look at Cameron and knew he was unaware of how much he had just hurt his son.
"Hang on a minute, Zander. You may be willing to let it pass, but I'm not. Cameron, you need to think about what you just said to your son. If I could see how much you just hurt him, you should be able to as well."
Cameron looked from one to the other frowning in bewilderment silently questioning himself. 'What did I say? Think man, what did you say? What? What was it?' He looked to Alexis.
"I told him what I wanted."
He watched her get up and move to stand beside Alexander taking his hand in hers. They were now standing together and all of a sudden he felt it all over again; the enormous emptiness… the isolation… the numbness of feeling so incredibly alone. Just like he did years ago when Alexander and Peter would stand in front of him. They didn't have to put into words that they would choose each other over him whatever the problem. The way they stood together, backing each other up made him feel unnecessary, unwanted… adrift without a purpose and now looking at Alexis standing beside his son he felt it all over again. Two, whom he loved more than his own life, standing together over something he had inadvertently said… something that couldn't have come out right. In his mind's eye, he once again saw Pete and Zander standing together, arms swung nonchalantly across each other's shoulder and the pain overtook him once again and he crumbled under it.
Zander watched in astonishment as his father slowly slipped to the floor. He had never seen his dad so messed up. Forgetting the pain in his own heart he rushed to his dad's side and knelt beside him.
"Dad, you okay?"
"What did I say, son? What was it that I didn't say right?"
When Cameron looked up into his son's eyes, a single tear fell from each eye and Zander felt each one of them hit him directly in the heart. In that moment, he remembered a lifetime of what it felt like to want his father to love him… to approve of him. It no longer seemed important to tell him how much he was hurt by what his dad said. He didn't know if he wanted tell him or not now. He looked back searching for help to find it standing beside him. A comforting hand found its way to lie warmly on his shoulder.
"Tell him, Zander. He will never know until you start telling him every time he says something like that. There is a reason he doesn't understand how hurtful his words can be to you. You are going to have to teach him how to talk to you, just as he is going to have to start dealing with the fact that he doesn't know his son as well as he thought he did. Tell him what he said… or rather what he didn't say."
Zander returned his gaze to his father to find that Cameron was looking at him intently waiting for his question to be answered. He reached out and took hold of his dad and helped him to stand back up then led him back to his chair. Rather than sit across from him, Zander sat down in the chair Alexis had vacated. His eyes connected with his dad's and he answered his dad as truthfully as he could.
"You said you had everything except Pete's love."
Cameron frowned. "Yes, I know."
Taking a deep breath Zander then asked the one question that kept him awake on more nights than he cared to remember.
"Did I ever mean as much to you as Pete did? Didn't you ever want me to love you like you wanted Pete to love you?"