Chapter 20

Cameron's jaw dropped at his son's question. He was speechless. He looked from Alexander to Alexis, who sat quietly across from him refusing to help now, then back to Alexander.

With his father's obvious shock at his question, Zander began to put a few of the pieces together for his dad. It was time for the son to enlighten the father.

"Other than today, when was the last time you told me or Pete either one that you loved us?"

"You boys knew I loved you."

"How could we know that, dad? Think about all the times we were actually in the same room together. Tell me what you remember about those times."

Cameron leaned back and let himself remember the weekly meetings he held with his sons. Memories began to float across the cinema of his mind. They sat side by side in front of his massive desk while he sat behind it questioning their daily activities. As the memories continued, Cameron began to see a pattern emerge. With each memory that came, Alexander seemed to always be blurred a bit. It was Pete that held the center frame of each memory. Pete who always seemed to be lost in some fantasy world… always seemed to be dreaming. As time went by, it became apparent to him that Alexander would be a lost cause in his efforts to bring his boys into the business with him. Peter was his only chance. As the full import of his thoughts hit him, Cameron leaned forward and dropped his head into his hands. He sat there for a moment then turned his head to stare at his son. His beautiful son… the one who probably needed him the most; but would eventually choose to run away rather than admit it. Cameron relinquished the rest of his pride and gave his son the rest of the story.

"My sons had a way of looking at me as if I were a stranger. And I'll admit I probably was a stranger to you. I never gave you boys anything of myself that would confirm I was just as fallible as everyone else was. It occurred to me that if I could give you what I had then maybe you would look at me differently. Maybe you wouldn't look at me as if I were a stranger anymore. But, you didn't seem to need anything from me, son. As much as I wanted to be a father to you, you didn't need me. All you ever needed was Peter. So, if you could get what you needed from him, then why couldn't I? But, I didn't have a firm foundation to build a relationship on with either of you. I had this idea of the three of us setting up a practice together and I tried to get the two of you to follow in my footsteps. But, things got off track. The more I tried to force you to adhere to what I wanted, the more you both resisted and I began spending more time at the office. While my sons were building a rock solid relationship, I was building a career and reputation that began to feed my already out of control ego. If I couldn't find the respect I felt I deserved in the eyes of my sons, I was bound and determined to find it elsewhere. That's when things really started to get out of hand. The more respect I garnered in the medical field the more it ate at me that my sons wanted nothing to do with me. Peter was the one I figured I stood a better chance of getting to see things my way. He wasn't nearly as headstrong as you were and I figured if I pushed him hard enough he'd fold and I would at least have one of my sons by my side. It wasn't that I loved him more, I was just desperate for someone in my own family to want to be close to me. I had all I ever wanted in possessions. What I didn't have was peace. I could not lay down at night with the knowledge that I was loved or needed. That's what I wanted and I thought Peter was my only chance."

Zander sat there shaking his head in disbelief. How could his dad have been so wrong about so many things? How can a man miss the boat as completely as his dad had? An idea suddenly occurred to him. There was a piece missing in all of this. Somewhere along the way something had to have happened to throw his dad so completely that everything got screwed up in his head. So just where did his mother fit into all of this?

"Dad, Alexis has been more of a mother for me than my own mother ever was. Can you explain why that is?"

Cameron gazed dropped to his clasped hands on the table in front of him. How much more would his son need from him before the night was done. He glanced up at Alexis briefly. Maybe if he just gave the highlights…

"Your mother married me because she loved me. I married her because I needed someone to lean on to get me through medical school. When she realized that she was no more than a prop for me, something went out of her. She was never the same after that and you boys suffered because of it. She lost interest in all of us. The bridge parties, social events and charity work… it all took the place of love in her life. She and I became the distinguished 'Lewis Couple'. A party wasn't a party unless the Lewis' were in attendance. In the beginning, we catered to the rich and influential and all of a sudden we were in a position to claim that honor."

"You're leaving something out, dad. What is it? What happened to mom? Did you love mom when you married her?"

Alexis had been sitting back quietly letting father and son iron things out between themselves, but when Zander brought up the subject of his mother, her curiosity went into overload and she imperceptibly leaned forward a bit.

"I don't think your mother or I really understood the absolute commitment that is required for a marriage to be successful. Your mother did love me, but I'm not too sure I even understood what those words really meant back then."

Cameron looked back across the table at Alexis and locked their gazes together. He wanted her to know that things were different now. His gaze stayed with her as he continued to talk to his son.

"Love is more than a feeling… it is more than two people deciding they want to sleep together just to prove they have feelings for one another. There has to be a dedication to commitment involved. You have to believe in your heart that nothing and no one will ever come between you and the woman you love."

Alexis felt rather than saw Zander shift uncomfortably in his chair at the attention Cameron was paying her. With his eyes still holding hers she imperceptibly indicated he should return his attention to his son. Recognizing that she was still trying to care for his sons concerns, Cameron reluctantly pulled his gaze from her and shifted his full attention back to his son.

"I married your mother because I was afraid of not making it in the medical field and I wanted to do something that I knew I could succeed at so if I did in fact fail, it wouldn't be such a tragic loss. When I graduated and passed from fellowship into practice I followed most of my buddies and fell into the 'physician' trap. I had the world by the tail and nothing could touch me. Your mother all of a sudden took a back seat to anyone who had a heart problem. The first time I actually held someone's heart in my hands and gently massaged it back to life something happened inside me. I was never the same after that. I let my ego take control of my life. It was such a profound experience that I decided I wouldn't rest until my sons could experience the same feeling of empowerment. It never occurred to me that my sons would not want to work with me; would not want to follow in their father's footsteps. And then the older you two got, the closer you became and I lost my place in your lives at all. That last hunting trip… when Peter… I was desperate to connect with my sons. I needed to find a way to reach you. I couldn't go on battling with you both day after day. I knew I was losing you… I could see it every time I looked at you. The last fight Pete and I had… he said something to me that I will never forget. I think he knew then what he was going to do, but I was so estranged from him that I couldn't see it. But, for the first time in his life he stood up to me. He got in my face and told me to leave you alone. He said, 'Don't ruin Zan's life like you've ruined mine. Give him a chance to be happy. At least somebody in this house ought to be able to be happy without you standing over them waiting to rip it away from them.' He didn't say anything else, just stormed out of my office."

Zander slowly stood up and crossed the room only to turn back to stare at his father in astonishment.

"He said that? Pete actually said that to you?"

"Yeah, he said it. And a week later he shot himself."

For the first time since his dad came to town Zander felt the weight of his father's grief and guilt over his brothers death. Unlike the past though, this time he understood just how deep his dad's guilt actually ran. But more than that, his dad was giving him the freedom to remember his brother without he himself feeling guilty for his death. And yet there was still the question of his mother. His dad didn't answer his question. Walking back to his chair he sat down and put the question on the table again.

"There's only been one other person in my life that I cared about as much as I did Pete. And that's Alexis. Why is it that I can feel how much Alexis loves me, but I can't seem to get that same feeling from my own mother? What happened to mom, dad?"

Cameron looked up at Alexis just in time to see the tears fall down her face. She was looking at his son just as his son probably had wished a thousand times his mother would have looked at him. It was there for the world to see. Alexis did love his son as if he were her own and he again accepted responsibility for what he cost his boys. He lowered his head and gave his son the answer he asked for.

"Son, when your mother realized that I didn't love her… that I married her under false pretenses; her ability to love any of us faded. It hardened her and she was just not able to give you boys what you needed. She tried. She tried harder with you boys than anything I've ever seen before. But, fear kept her tied to living on the surface of life. Something inside her wouldn't allow herself to ever again put herself out there and take a chance on being hurt again. You boys grew up without love because I tore from your mother her ability to love."

Cameron looked toward his son to see his reaction, but the boys eyes were firmly glued to the table. At least he wasn't railing at him or storming out. He looked as if he were taking it all in and processing all the information he received. When the boy finally looked up and met his eyes there was not a hint of accusation or anger… just an enormous sadness. His son had grown up without him and become a man to be proud of. Cameron had one question of his own before they finished their conversation for the evening.

"Alexander, you've grown into a responsible caring young man. How did you do it? You didn't learn courage, honor or compassion at home. Where did you learn it, son? Who taught you how to be a man?"

He watched as his son stood up and walked around the table and lay his hands gently on the shoulders of Alexis then kneel beside her taking her hands into his gazing up at her lovingly.

"This is where I learned it, dad. This woman who never gave up on me and has stood by me from day one. She is still teaching me and I will forever be in her debt for taking me in to her home and caring about me when I thought I was worthless and of no use to anyone. I use to lay awake at night and talk to Pete about her. I would tell him that I wanted to someday marry a woman like Alexis and Pete would have agreed with me. I got lucky with Em. She's a lot like Alexis. And if she'll stop crying long enough for me to get my kiss on the cheek, I'll be out of here and you two can finish this up without me. I need some time to think about everything."

She stood up pulling his son with her and threw her arms around him sobbing at the honor he bestowed on her. She kissed his cheek and held onto him for quite a while before releasing him. His own tears were raining at the love he saw in his son's eyes when he stepped out of her embrace. As his son walked to the door and gripped the doorknob, Cameron's heart stirred with fear. He suddenly didn't want his son to leave yet… he didn't know how his son felt about everything he heard. Would he be forgiven for his transgressions against his family or not? His son's quietly breathed name was the only sound that came from lungs bursting from lack of oxygen.

"Alexander?"

He almost choked as the air rushing in fought the sound racing forth as his son answered.

"Folks around these parts call me Zander, dad… All of them."