Chapter 21

"Folks around here call him Zander. That's what he said. Does that mean what I think it means, Alexis?"

She gazed at the look of restrained hope and expectancy on his face with tears in her eyes knowing what it would mean to him for his son to allow him to use the name his brother left him with.

"I would suggest that you not refer to him as Alexander anymore when you speak to him."

Still sitting at the table, Cameron took his eyes from the door that his son had just walked out of and looked to find her. Only a few steps away, eyes glistening with unshed tears he held his hand out to her and waited for her to come to him. As her fingers sought to find his amid the haze of unshed tears, he broke. Pulling her toward him hurriedly he wrapped his arms around her tightly laying his head on her breast. Her arms encased him like a well-worn comfortable blanket.

"Thank you, Alexis. Thank you for helping my son and I connect. I know it's going to take a lot more work, but I think we're both ready now."

She felt the burn of his tears deep in her soul and pulled him tighter to her. Feeling a small shudder pass through him she bent her head to lay her lips just above his temple where his hairline began. She couldn't help the envy that consumed her at the thought that Cameron had spent the evening in her home in the company of his son; and her daughter was miles away having never spent one night here. And there was not a hint yet of when she would be able to bring her baby home. Running her hand across his back a few times she gently disengaged herself from him and began to clear the table.

He followed her to the kitchen and stood in the doorway as she rinsed out their coffee cups and discarded the remaining coffee still in the pot. Studying her face as she moved around, Cameron knew exactly what she was thinking about. How could he not? As much time as they had spent together in the past months it wasn't hard at all to see that Alexis was thinking about her daughter and her absence from the home Alexis prepared for her. He couldn't imagine how hard it must have been for her to watch him with his son in her home. As she finished cleaning she walked toward him or rather toward the door he was standing in. Just as she reached him, he lifted his hands placing them on her arms stopping her from sliding past him.

"It was hard on you tonight."

"I'm fine, Cameron."

"No, you're not. But, you will be. Just a little while longer, Alexis. Just a little while longer."

He pulled her to him and held her letting his chin fall to rest on the top of her head. 'This is where she belongs', he thought; in my arms… always in my arms. Before he was ready, he felt her pull away and look up at him. Her eyes were distant and filled with the ever-present loss that never left her for a minute during her long torturous days.

"It's been a long night, Cameron and I'm tired. I just want to lie down and sleep for a while. Do you mind?"

She was asking him politely to leave her to grieve alone. Searching the darkness of her eyes he decided it would be best to give her the space she needed. Placing a quick kiss on her forehead he let her go.

"You look like you could sleep a week. So, yes… I'll leave you to get some rest. Maybe you wouldn't mind my stopping by sometime around lunch tomorrow. If I bring you some healthy nourishment, that is."

"Are you afraid I might don the butler uniform again just to see my daughter?"

"No. I wasn't worried. I think you know how important it is this time to let everything proceed through the court, as it needs to. We are so close to bringing Kristina home and I don't think you would jeopardize your chances this time seeing as how this is the first time we've been this close."

His was right and she knew it. And it infuriated her. He was accomplishing something that she felt as a mother she should have been able to do… was her responsibility… her right. The longer he stood there looking at her, the more agitated she became.

"You're absolutely right, Cameron. So I guess I'll see you for lunch tomorrow."

Her ire was not lost on him. She stood so close and yet, so far away from him. There was nothing more he could do tonight. Best to leave her to handle her emotions alone this time. Turning toward the door, he lost his equilibrium and stumbled sideways. Reaching up quickly to find something to hang onto his hand was caught by Alexis and her arm circled his waist holding him up.

"Cameron? Are you alright? What's wrong?"

"It's nothing. I think my head just caught up to the exhaustion of my body or maybe it's the other way around. It's been a rough night, more so than I really expected it to be. I just need some sleep, Alexis. I'll be fine. Now go on and get yourself to bed. I'll see you around noon tomorrow."

"Not on your life, buddy. You're not leaving here stumbling around like that. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you on the way home. You'll stay in the guestroom tonight. You can go back to your place first thing in the morning to get ready for work. And I'll have no arguments. I don't have it in me to worry about you, Zander and my daughter. So just shut-up and do what I ask, please."

He looked down at her and felt the grip of worry around his heart. Such a strong delicate woman! How can two totally opposite adjectives define such quiet perfection? She was a mass of contradictions that teased and tantalized him at every turn forever keeping him on the edge of wonder… forever bound to her with curiosity, anticipation… excitement.

"I don't think I have it in me to argue with you tonight, Alexis. Point me in the right direction and I'll take it from there. Go to bed, angel. I'll see you in the morning."

Moments later the apartment was cloaked in darkness and as his eyes yielded to the pull of sleep he heard her turn over with what sounded like a fist finding its way into the center of an uncooperative pillow.

*********************

Cameron sat straight up in bed with a sense of alarm. He didn't hear anything and wondered what had awakened him so abruptly from a deep sleep. He started to lie back down when he heard her. Her scream was a bit muffled, but it was terror filled. Leaping from bed he tripped over his shoe and almost bashed his head against the doorframe. As another screamed pierced the air he gained his footing and ran to her room. She was sitting upright when he finally reached her. Her head was buried in her hands and she was sobbing hysterically, the sounds of her grief felt like hot lava oozing through the passages of his heart. He crawled up beside her and positioned himself so that he could pull her close enough to sit between his legs. It was as close as he could get to her. Wrapping his arms around her he drew her close and lay her head under his chin next to his heart. He gently rocked her back and forth whispering calm loving words to her until she quieted a bit.

"Shhhhh, angel. It's me. It's Cameron. Honey, it's okay. I'm here and everything's okay. Tell me what I can do for you. Tell me what you need, angel."

"She… She's dead. My beautiful baby girl… she's dead. They took her from me and she died."

Becoming more hysterical she tried desperately to push him away from her. "Leave me alone, please. Let me go… let me go with her. Let me go with my baby girl."

"No, Alexis. It was a dream, angel. Kristina's fine. She's just fine. You were having a nightmare, sweetie. Shhhhh… it was just a bad dream."

He finally reached her through the sleepy fog that surrounded her and her arms gradually found their way around him as she relaxed against him until her tears subsided enough to be able to speak.

"I need my baby. I can't live without her, Cameron. I can't function without her. Every day is worse than the day before. Nothing will ever be right until my baby girl is home where she belongs."

He knew exactly what Alexis was feeling. He remembered standing over his son's grave and felt the same emptiness she was now feeling. He understood that nothing would ever be the same without her child. Her life began the day Kristina was born, it ended the day she was taken from her and would not begin again until the room next to hers was filled with the sounds of renewed life… of baby laughter… and baby talk… . Of happiness and peace… the fragrances of baby powder and baby wipes and baby blankets, all filled with the scent of her child.

When he finally spoke again, it was to agree with the thoughts that he had no doubt were running through her mind.

"It isn't lost on me, Alexis that this is the second time I have spent the night in your home and your daughter has yet to spend one night here. And I know how much anger and hurt you feel because of it. I know because I've been where you are now. I lost both of my sons for a while. So I know what you're feeling. And if I could get away with it I'd storm the gates of hell to bring her home to you. Because you more than any woman I have ever known deserves to raise a child… your child. Kristina and Zander both are lucky to have been placed into your life. Kristina will know it eventually. My son knows it now. I wish with all my heart that I had met you all those years ago. I would give my life to be able to turn back time and start over with you. But, it's impossible and not such a smart idea to dream of what could have been. We are here now… we have a job to do… and we are going to do it together. We are going to bring your daughter home where she belongs."

He lifted her chin with his forefinger and he gazed into eyes that were filled with sadness. Just as she released a final sob he quickly covered her mouth with his own and inhaled… he breathed in her sob taking it deep into his lungs making it a part of him. He began to gently pull back out of respect for her grief when her hand tentatively found its way to his cheek. Continuing to pull away he felt the pressure of her hand slide past his ear into his hair and around to the back of his head. She pulled him back to her and opening her mouth took his breath away from him. His senses went into overload as he felt her lightly caress the inside of his upper lip then boldly push to enter the land of promise. His head screamed at him to stop her before they skated past the point of no return. It wasn't the right time. She needed to feel alive and she was using their attraction for each other to force herself to feel something other than the pain she lived with daily. When the arm that was still wrapped around his waist found its way underneath his T-shirt, he groaned at the teasing feather light scratches she made with her fingernails against his skin. He was spiraling out of control and the vibration of his lips against hers pushed him over the edge. He wanted more… he wanted it all. Every part of him screamed to touch her. With a willpower he never knew he possessed he dragged his lips from her and pulled her tight against him trying to still the raging tide that threatened to drown him. He had never needed a woman the way he needed her in that moment. Her muffled cry of frustration at being denied what she sought matched his own irritation at finding out that after everything he'd been through in his life, he was still a gentleman at heart.

"I'm sorry, Alexis. I can't let us do this. As much as I want to strip your clothes off right now and make love to you until you can't remember anything else… we can't do it, angel. I can't do that to you. Not yet. Everything in you is screaming to feel something besides the pain. If I let us do this… it wouldn't be about us. It would be about every rotten thing that has happened to you and your lack of control over it. Please don't be hurt because I'm stopping this. You know it's not what I really want. There's a fire between us that is not going to go away. I want more than anything to wrap you around me and never come up for air, but the fire will still be there when we have Kristina sleeping peacefully in the next room. Please don't hate me for turning you down, my angel."

Her arms slowly disentangled from him and just as he thought she would pull away, he felt her shyly grab hold of his t-shirt at his waist. He leaned his ear slightly down to hear her muffled words.

"I know you're right. And I'm sorry. I don't know what I feel anymore outside this constant ache inside. I don't know what to do about it… it never leaves me. I can't find one moment of rest without it. It's been a part of me since the moment they took her from me in the delivery room."

"I know angel. It eats away at you until you can't tell where the pain stops and you start. I know, honey. But, I promise you it won't be much longer. I promise, angel. Now you need to get some rest. If you'll behave yourself, I'll stay with you and hold you until you fall asleep."

He felt her laugh against shoulder and he relaxed.

"I'm not promising anything, Cameron Lewis. Like I said this morning, I'm not responsible for what happens when I dream."

Hanging onto her he rolled to his side taking her with him and gently turning her around he spooned her closely against his body with his arms firmly wrapped around her. He couldn't help but tease her in return.

"Just remember, Ms Davis. I was a gentleman once tonight. Don't tempt the laws of man… you might not get off so easily next time."

He choked on her reply.

"You're just afraid you wouldn't be able to keep up."

He regained his breath just in time to lose it again when the laughter she tried to stifle shook her whole body, which lay perfectly fitted to his own. Hearing his groan she laughed harder until he reached down and pulled her hips closer to him indicating what her laughter was progressively doing to him. She quieted immediately and he wished he could see the blush that he knew had just blossomed in full glory across her face. He grinned in the dark and began to visualize what the chill of a cold shower would do to the heat of his body until his raging desire for the woman he held in his arms slowly brought itself under control.

He lay there for an hour after she fell asleep holding her as if all of his tomorrows depended on her. The slow even breaths he felt coming from her matched his own as he leaned his cheek against the back of her head. He stared at the ceiling for a while trying to figure out what he could do for her that would help pass the time until they heard from Gail Baldwin. He had already decided to call Gail first thing in the morning to find out what her progress was, but he wouldn't make the call unless Alexis was standing beside him when he did. There was not a move to be made as far as he was concerned unless Alexis was right there with him. With everything she did to stay close to her daughter, the most important thing he learned was that if Alexis knew what was going on, when it would happen and how something was suppose to play out, then she could handle it. She was no good at sitting back and blindly waiting. He envied her that trait. It would have served him well in his own life if he were as soundly equipped mentally as Alexis was.

He felt her shift; then settle. Her arm lay over his that wrapped warmly around her waist and just as his eyes began to close he felt her move again. Raising his head just enough to see what she was doing, he caught the movement again. Her hand was moving across the sheet as if she were searching for something. Her barely audible whimper of frustration forced a grin from him as he pulled his hand out from under her and reaching toward her gently laced her fingers between his own and brought them both to her breast. The soft sigh of contentment that led her deeper into slumber filled him with hope, promise and love. Love like he had never known before… never thought possible. There were no words to describe the vastness of this love in his vocabulary. He could have spent his life searching for such a profound love only to die of starvation had she never graced his life. To be asked what he knew of love… all he could do was point to her. That is love. She is love. She is the air that I breathe. Life, love and happiness… all held within in the circle of his arms embodying his very existence.