Chapter 25
The silence on the drive back to Alexis' place was deafening at times. No matter what he tried, he couldn't bring her out of the daze she fell into after leaving the judges chambers. No sound, no tears, no emotional release of any kind met his attempts to reach her. Entering her apartment, he guided her to the sofa and eased her down into its corner.
"Do you have any hard liquor in the house, Alexis?"
When she didn't answer he stood up and began to rummage through the dining room and kitchen. He found what he was looking for in the cabinet above the refrigerator. Pouring a shot glass full he returned to sit beside her.
"Here you go, Alexis. Drink this for me."
He lifted the glass to her lips and she obediently began to drink the whiskey he was offering. Reaching up to take the glass from his hand, she finished the drink and returned the glass to him not flinching once as a river of fire slid down her throat. Her focus shifted to rest on him as he set the glass on the floor at his feet. She reached out slowly hesitantly and let her fingertips touch the side of his face. They lingered there a moment then finally dropped back to her lap. As a single lonely tear fell she leaned forward covering her face. Pulling her into his arms he rocked her gently for an hour before attempting to encourage her to talk. Then taking hold of her arms he separated her from him enough to catch her head between his hands trying to force her eyes to meet his. She refused preferring to concentrate instead on the rise and fall of his chest.
"How much of that stuff is it going to take to put you out, angel?"
Even in silence she couldn't hide the intensity of the despair and anxiety she was feeling. He needed to know exactly what had caused her to regress as much as she did, but she wasn't ready to talk and he wasn't going to try and force her to do something she was not safe or comfortable with. The trauma of the hours spent in the judges chambers was enough to cause a meltdown for anyone; but for Alexis, with everything she had been through so far, it amazed him that she was still up and walking. The flood suddenly came without warning and he drew her back into his arms to comfort and offer whatever solace he could. When her tears finally subsided he reached down and sliding his arm underneath her knees picked her up and started toward her bedroom.
"I'm going to take care of you tonight, Alexis. If I have to get you drunk to get you through the night that's what I'll do, but I'm hoping there is an easier way. You just relax and let ol' doc do what he does best."
He gently sat her down on the side of her bed, then turned toward the closet to pull out her robe, then rummaged through her dresser drawers until he found a pair of pajamas. Returning to sit beside her he took hold of one of her hands with one of his then wrapped his other arm around her waist.
"I'm not taking advantage of you, Alexis. I'm just going to help you get dressed for bed. I'm playing doctor tonight, just like I did a couple of nights ago. Let me take care of you the way you should have been taken care of all along. Trust me to do right by you, angel."
He finally realized how far she had regressed when she finally spoke for the first time since leaving the courthouse.
"It doesn't matter anymore… nothing matters anymore. I've lost my daughter."
Kneeling in front of her he reached for the buttons on her blouse and began to undress her as carefully and innocently as possible, all the while talking calmly to her… speaking reassurances and hope for the future.
"No angel, you have not lost your daughter. In fact, I think you may have just won your case with the judge. You did great today. You gave him everything he needed to make an informed decision in your favor. I honestly believe you won today, Alexis. I don't think anyone could have stated his or her case any better. It's just a matter of time now, angel. Just you wait and see."
Discarding her blouse, he stood her up and unzipped her skirt letting it fall to the floor then coaxed her slip to follow. Reaching for the pajama bottoms he knelt in front of her and placed one of her hands on his shoulder to balance her then carefully lifted one foot placing his hand on her hip to steady her when she swayed. When she regained her balance he gently removed her pump and softly set her foot back down into the leg of her pajama bottoms. Repeating the process with her other foot he then grasped the elastic waistband and pulled her pajamas up into place. Standing, he guided her back down to sit on the side of the bed then picked up her robe. Placing it over her shoulders so the back of the garment entirely covered the front of her, he reached around and unclasped her bra with one hand holding the robe in place with his other to prevent any accidental sightings. Releasing one side of the bra strap from her arm he then proceeded to do the same with the other side. Once she was free of it he walked around the foot of the bed so that he was behind her and removed the robe while groping blindly for the top of her pajamas. All the best intentions in the world could not stop his eyes from taking in the span of her back. It looked so soft and yielding to him; so delicate yet filled with a strength that left him amazed. Working swiftly, so as not to further entice the beast of pleasure within he began to slip her arms into the sleeves of the top making sure not to offend her modesty or trust. Crawling up behind her he dropped a leg down on each side of her then reached around and swiftly buttoned it successfully hiding her treasure from his needful eyes. Arms that ached to hold her found their way around her and he pulled her back to him and leaned her against his shoulder whispering in her ear.
"I don't believe I've ever been in such a precarious position before with nothing but the purest of intentions. Do you see what you do to me, angel? You make me want to be true… a good man… 'to love you good enough on the outside to make you feel it on the inside'; remember?"
His soft loving words finally broke through her hail of self-torment and she reached for him. Her hands came up to cover his and her head rolled toward his neck as rivers of tears flowed down her face.
"He left me nothing. There's nothing left to hide. You know everything now and so does he. You know how far I'll go to get what I want. Knowing who I am, how can you still be here?"
He didn't answer her… she didn't want him to. All of her energy was focused on punishing herself unmercifully with abusive accusations and a wealth of self-doubt. A myriad of self-recriminations poured through her mind at a rate no man could follow.
"How can I expect to be awarded custody of my baby girl with everything that's in my past… everything that I've done? Look at what I've done, Cameron. Look at the stupid mistakes I've made. It didn't have to be like this. If I had been stronger… if I hadn't allowed them to intimidate me… I could have stopped all of this before it went too far. My daughter would never have been taken from me if I had just used my head and worked everything out before acting so rashly."
She suddenly turned and wrapped one arm around his neck, the other found its way around his back as another flood of grief assailed her. All he could do was hold her and rock her gently back and forth… just as she would have done for her daughter if she were hurting. Back and forth, back and forth until time seemed to stand still and when she finally calmed he lifted his hands to gently hold her head between them. Pulling her away from him, he looked into her eyes and grieved for the pain he saw there. Kissing her on the forehead he let go and moved away from her.
"Lay down, angel. Lay face down and let's see if we can scare some of that tension away. Come on. Don't make me beg for crumbs here, sweetness."
He grinned as he caught a small faint smile cross her lips as she followed his instruction without complaint.
"Yeah, you don't fool me. You would just love to hear me beg, wouldn't you? Watch out though, begging can go both ways."
A faint ghostly chuckle met his ears then quickly vanished. Her frown told him that guilt was born at the feet of her unguarded moment of laughter.
"It's okay, Alexis. One day there will be so much laughter in this house the memories will be chased into hiding. You have my word as a doctor on that promise."
He started with her feet and began to massage away the tension. Inch by inch he worked up to her calves, then her thighs. Crawling up he straddled her thighs as he began on her back. Glancing up to see the effect he was having, he shook his head sadly at the pool of wetness underneath her cheek. With eyes closed, tear followed tear without sound, without care of being seen. He doubted she was even aware of her tears. But his heart felt every one and his soul cried out against the agony he felt for her. As his hands continued to minister to her, he suddenly caught a faint whisper.
"Tell me again, angel. I didn't hear you."
"Talk to me, Cameron."
"About what, sweetness."
"Anything. I don't care, just talk to me."
He understood. She needed something to focus on; anything except the empty room next door or the phone beside the bed. So he talked never once stopping the gentle touch of his hands across her back, shoulders and arms.
"There's this hobby I used to have back in my younger days when I thought myself quite the ladies man. Sometimes it really worked to my advantage, and sometimes I fell flat on my face. It's been a long time since I've tried this, so you have to promise not to laugh."
She peeked at him over her shoulder and frowned with curiosity.
"Alright, since you have definitely aroused my interest; I promise not to laugh."
Cameron reached up to run his hand through her hair brushing it away from her face then lay down beside her, propping his head on his hand. He wanted nothing to hinder his view of her face.
"Ok then, here goes." He took a deep calming breath and began.
"With hopeless regret I set my love upon a shelf.
With one final lingering gaze I slowly turn and walk away.
Such wealth of love found not a resting place
Within this aged and weary heart of stone.
Yet, in eventide when day yields itself with grace,
The sweet call of abandoned love finds the wind to carry a whisper
"Come home, O wandering soul to 'she' who waits and wanders.
Come rest O heart of stone. Rest with one who waits for your return."
Amidst a timid yearning hope I return to a shelf of long forsaken love
With fear of want, I seek to find this 'she' who waits and wanders.
Cold stone warms beneath the shadow of her smile and there I find
My heart, my hope, my life; safe with she who waits for my return."
He waited holding his breath to hear her response. Her eyes had closed during his recitation and he couldn't see her reaction. Did she understand? Were the words clear enough for her to know what he was talking about? He watched silently as her eyes finally opened and found him waiting.
"Reciting poetry, Cameron? You're just a bundle of surprises, aren't you? Where did you come across that particular piece?"
He drew a deep sigh and let it out slowly. She wasn't ready for his heart. How could she be? He railed against himself for picking such an inopportune time to speak his heart when hers was being torn apart. How could he have been so insensitive? 'Ok you imbecile,' he thought, 'get out of it the best way you can without causing her any further upset'. Masking his irritation at himself he settled a look of teasing on his face and winked at her.
"Oh you know me, Alexis; anything to distract a lady. Actually, I made that up just now. See the idea was to see just how far I could get with the girls using a few cheap lines of prose. Most of the time I failed miserably when trying it on some of the more popular girls. But, there was this one time…"
She turned over to rest on her side and propped her head on her hand just as he did moments before. Her quiet whisper sent chills racing across his skin.
"Cameron, I'm not a silly school girl and you needn't try to hide just how much of your heart was clearly exposed within those lines. And since my response was not what you were waiting for, I imagine you've berated yourself unmercifully for being insensitive to my current frame of mind."
He couldn't answer her. It stunned him to know that she could read him so well. His focus was suddenly drawn to the warmth of her hand reaching to find him. Her fingers began to hesitantly curve around the third button of his shirt and she pulled on it once to make sure she had his complete attention. His only hope in that moment was that she couldn't feel the magnified beat of a heart that only survived through the constant craving of her touch.
"Please listen to me, Cameron. If it were another place, another time, you and I might have been able to be together. But, I can't ask you to continue to put your life on hold for me. I'm not ready for a relationship. I don't know that I ever will be again. My life hasn't been easy. I survived the deaths of my mother and my sister. I survived being raised in a house of hate run by a madwoman. I've survived broken hearts and broken promises. I've even managed to make a decent life for myself in spite of everything. I struggled for a while but eventually proved that I can hold my own in the world… or at least I could until… when they took my daughter from me… when they used her against me… threatened her safety… I lost my way, Cameron. But each time I was at my lowest… every moment that I felt I couldn't survive anymore… you were there. You put your arms around me and somehow I found the strength to go on. You have been my savior these past months and I want you to know that. I want you to know just how much I have come to depend on your strength and your support. I could never hope to repay you for what you've done for me… what your presence in my life has meant to me. But you've done your time… you've given more than I had any right to ask or expect. And I can't ask you to continue to stay with me when I can't reassure you that I will eventually get to a place where I can return your feelings. And no matter what happens tomorrow… if… if… Judge Marks rules against me; you will be the only one I know I can reach out to and trust that I won't grab a handful of air. But, I need you to promise me something, Cameron."
"What's that, angel?"
"If he does rule against me… if he takes my baby away from me… don't… don't follow me. Don't try to find me… just let me go away for awhile."
"You don't expect me to believe that you are going to give up the fight for Kristina, do you?"
"I don't expect you to believe anything and I never said a word about giving up. What I did ask is that you leave me alone for a while. Please just let me have that much, Cameron."
He stared into her eyes for a moment and saw nothing but sadness. He knew in his heart her words were only an attempt to push him away. He didn't believe them any more than she did. Alexis was trying to distance herself from him so that when the time came, she could walk away… hopefully without looking back to see him standing alone waiting for her to come back to him. He had to hold on to her… make her see… understand.
"Alexis, you know I can't do that. After everything we've been through together… you know I can't just let you walk away from me. I can't do it, angel. As much as you know in your heart you couldn't survive without little Kristina, I won't survive without you. I need you, Alexis. I need you in my life."
"Cameron without my daughter I'm only half a woman. I would be of no use to you. If I can't give you everything, it's best for you if you have nothing. You deserve a woman who can give to you as much as you give to her. I'm not the right woman for you, Cameron."
He leaned toward her and placing his hand in the curve of her neck slid his fingers into her hair and pulled her toward him. Just as his lips met hers, he whispered, "You are the only woman for me."
He lingered for a moment knowing that he was taking a chance on another round of forced rejection from her. Their conversation was not one that needed to be dealt with on this particular night. She was not equipped emotionally to separate herself from the fear of losing her daughter to concentrate on the possibility of a relationship with him. He needed to change the subject… and fast. Pulling away he gazed at her and finished his thought before ending the discussion.
"And I'm not going anywhere, anytime soon. So you might as well just resign yourself to having a shadow for a very long time to come. Now, come on. You look hungry and I'm starving."
He sat up quickly and taking hold of her wrist pulled her up to stand beside him. Before releasing her he leaned down to lay a soft kiss on her temple.
"No more serious stuff tonight, Alexis. Maybe we should go ahead and empty the liquor cabinet like I suggested earlier, what do you say to that?"
Dropping an arm across her shoulders he hesitated a moment as she looked up at him with a faint gleam of mischief in her eyes.
"First you recite poetry and now you want to get me drunk? Cameron, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to seduce me."
"Nah, you're just sliding into that fantasy world of yours again where I'm the star."
She popped him on the arm as he guided her out of the bedroom laughing at the blush that raced across her face.