Chapter 28

"Well, what now?"

Cameron was grinning at Alexis.  They stood face to face at the door having just said goodbye to Gail Baldwin.  He watched as she held Kristina close; at times a little too close for the comfort of the child, who in her own way reminded her mother of her need to be able to breathe.  It was the most beautiful sight he could recall seeing in a long time.  Mother and child reunited and his angel finally at peace.  He followed her as she turned to reclaim her seat on the sofa.  He nodded a couple of times as her response found his ears.

"I'm not entirely sure.  I've been fighting for so long it sort of feels like I'm out of place now."

"How soon can you be ready to leave?"

"Leave?"

She looked up at him with questioning beautifully calm eyes.

"Yes… leave, Alexis.  We are leaving town for a while.  You, me and angel, jr. there."

Her eyes widened with uncertainty and a bit of excitement.

"You mean… we can really go?  You weren't just trying to keep me from losing my mind."

He reached over and ran his fingers through the silk of her hair and chuckled.

"No, I wasn't trying to keep you from losing your mind.  I want to spend time with my two favorite girls all alone, without distraction, away from everyone…"

He then reached again and without asking gently pulled Kristina into his arms, kissing her on the cheek as he did so.  He and Alexis both chuckled at the baby's scrunched up face upon feeling the effect of his beard.  Cameron was completely aware of Alexis' hand keeping contact with her child even after he took the child from her.

"Go pack, Alexis.  Pack enough to last a while.  We're going on the run, angel.  Just the three of us.  Escaping the asylum, so to speak."

He could tell she was reluctant to leave the presence of her daughter.  So he stood up and waited for her to join him.  At her look of puzzlement, he reached down and caught her hand pulling her up to stand beside him.

"So we all go.  Would that make it easier on you, 'mommy'?"

His ears were suddenly filled with her laughter.  It was an amazing sound that made his breath catch in his lungs.  Looking into her eyes, for the first time since he first met her, they were pure.  Not a hint of sadness, fear, or doubt could be found.  She possessed the most beautifully expressive eyes; but when they were free to express her joy, his world stood still.

"You should do that more often."

"What?"

"Laugh.  I kind of like the way it sounds… and what it does to my stomach."

Her eyes left the face of her daughter to find his and she ducked her head shyly upon seeing his obvious desire for her reflected in his eyes.  She shifted nervously a bit then turned to walk toward her bedroom to pack for their trip.  Hesitating a moment she glanced back at him then caught hold of his shirt-sleeve pulling him with her.

"Come on.  You can hold her while I get us ready to go.  She needs to get reacquainted with you.'  Halting a moment she grinned mischievously before continuing. "And don't go giving my daughter any scratchy burns from that mane of yours."

"I wouldn't dare incur the wrath of such a protective mother bear as yourself.  Your daughter is safe from any scratchy burns on my account."

He was rewarded again with the sound of her laughter as he thought, 'however her mother is another matter entirely.'  He followed her out of the room and it felt right.  He began a new hobby of waiting on Alexis a few days earlier, now he was following her.  This was his life now and it was good.  He was content to spend the rest of his days waiting on and following Alexis.

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He watched her from the cabin window as she sat with Kristina on the porch swing.  The child fell asleep on her mother's shoulder moments before as the sun warmed them both.  She continued to swing back and forth with her arms around her child gazing out into the woods.  This was an Alexis he was unfamiliar with and one he wanted desperately to get to know.  She sat peacefully, quietly… calm and full of happiness.  He could tell by the way she moved her hands and body that she was more sure of herself now, more content with herself as a woman and a mother.  This was what life was all about to him.  Watching the woman he loved embrace the identity of being a mother, of being blessed with the most precious and most rewarding job a woman could be graced with.  He stood there for what seemed an eternity ignoring the ache of legs that needed to rest.  He couldn't tear his eyes from her… from the vision of her holding the child in her arms with the backdrop of a forest he had gazed upon many times, but suddenly seemed more vividly alive than ever.  He drank in the sight of her as though he were a man dying of thirst and suddenly realized she caught sight of him by the motioning of her hand for him to join her.  He took a deep breath and smiled as his heart filled with the sight of such a welcoming look on her face.  How could a man walk away from such a gift?  How could a man walk away from the life that he was born to once he found it?  He couldn't.  He would be forever tied to her.  She was his soul, his life, his future.  He stepped away from the window and opened the door to walk out and rejoin his life.

Sitting down carefully on the swing beside her he lay his arm on the back of it and let his eyes once again find his life.

"You've been out here quite a while, angel.  It's headed toward dusk and the mosquitoes will be coming around.  Angel, jr. there would be too much of a delicacy for them to resist."

She looked up at him as a protective hand found the middle of her child's back pulling her closer to her mother's breast.

"You're right.  I need to get her inside.  I'm just… it's just…"

Her eyes fell away from him as shyness suddenly laid claim to her features.

"What angel?  What's wrong?"

Her head quickly snapped back up.

"Nothing is wrong.  That's just… I can't explain…"

His hand reached to find a place to touch her without disturbing Kristina, then he coaxed her to lean into the circle of his arm.

"Talk to me, angel.  Forget the high priced intelligent words and just talk to me."

She leaned in further and sighed.

"I've never felt like this before.  This is a totally alien feeling and I don't know how to deal with it."

"What feeling is that, Alexis?"

She suddenly sat straight up and looked at him with surprise written all over her beautiful face.

"Look at me, Cameron.  I'm… I'm… I'm happy.  It's been so long… I forgot what it felt like to be really happy.  But it's more than that… so much more.  It's like there is nothing in the world that could ever be offered to me that would be better than what I have right here, right now.  All my life I have searched for something to fill the emptiness inside and to have finally found what that something was.  It's leaving me a bit overwhelmed."

As she gazed up at him with eyes that held all the truths of her heart… he finally understood.

"And scared as well, right?"

She ducked her head a moment then looked back out toward the edge of the woods.

"Yes."

"Afraid that someone is going to come along and rip it all away from you?"

Quietly. "Yes."

"Because it has happened so many times before?"

Quieter. "Yes."

"It's been pretty rough on you hasn't it, angel?"

"I've done alright."

"Yes, you've done alright.  But, it nags at you that you could have had what you're feeling right now all along if you had made different choices."

He wasn't trying to berate her for the choices she made in her life or hinting that she had somehow failed at the handling of her life.  He simply wanted her to know that he understood where her thoughts were taking her and he would be there if she wanted to talk.  Her question didn't really surprise him.  She would always take the quickest way she could find to keep from becoming the topic of any discussion. 

"Don't you ever regret some of the choices you've made, Cameron?"

"Of course I do, but that's the crux of the matter.  Those choices are in the past.  There's nothing I can do about them now.  All I can do is make the most of the fallout caused by those decisions and try not to make the same mistakes in the future.  I can't look back, Alexis.  It hurts too much.  It takes away from the man I am now… from the man I envision myself to be someday."

"And what man is that?"

"Someone who can be depended on in every moment of everyday.  A man who is able to freely admit that the mistakes he's made in his life were because he was selfish.  A man who is more determined than ever to keep those pesky little inferiority fears from destroying his life again."

He turned slightly to face her.

"I want…"

He hesitated, unsure of whether he should continue.  Her hand left it's new home on the back of her daughter to find his cheek.  As her palm cupped his jaw her fingers subtly played in his beard a moment before finally growing still then returning home leaving him chilled by their absence.  Her quiet intense voice urged him to continue.

"What do you want, Cameron?"

He drew a deep breath as the sight of her hand returning to her child caused a moment of envy to race through him.  And his own heart, desperate to be loved opened up to the woman beside him and he answered her.

"I want to be able to love without expecting anything in return. I want a chance to be someone worthy of being loved, warts and all.  I want my son to forgive me. I want to be a man who can be depended on when there's no one else willing to step up to the plate in a crisis.  I want to be so comfortable with the man that I am that I don't have to put on a mask every time I walk out the front door.  I want the woman that I love to be able to trust me with all the truths and secrets of her past and know that it is my goal in life to protect her from a past that stole the very thing she finds herself enjoying today.  I want that little girl you're holding to know that there is someone in this world that she and her mother can depend on to fight for the two of them when the inevitable storms of life come their way.  And I want to know in my own heart that I won't fail them.  I want to be a man who is worthy enough to be loved by you."

He watched her begin to fidget nervously and understood that his words were very uncomfortable in her ears.  How could they be otherwise with the absence of any real love in her life for years or if ever?  He suddenly wanted desperately to see a smile on her face.

"But do you know what I want most of all right now, Alexis?"

Her eyes glanced back up at him then quickly fell to his hand resting in his lap.  

"I want the biggest, thickest, juiciest steak you've ever laid eyes on and a potato that is just begging to be covered with sour cream, butter and bacon bits with a dusting of shredded cheese on top.  And I want an ice cold beer to wash it all down with.  And after that I want to build the biggest banana split you ever saw."

She rewarded him with more than a smile.  She gave him laughter.