Chapter 29

Cameron awoke from a mid-morning nap to find nothing but silence surrounding him.  The night had been rough… filled with tossing and turning, endless trips to check on Alexis and Kristina.  Over the past few days it became normal to reach out and find Alexis close enough to touch.  Yet, when it came time to retire the night before, Alexis' thoughts were only for her child.  He wasn't needed to calm or comfort; he wasn't needed to offer any distractions from pain or loss.  So he went to bed alone bereft of the soft silkiness and warmth of her beside him and the wrongness of it disturbed him to the point of sleeplessness.  He wasn't complete without her by his side, so he spent the night wandering from his bed to the doorway of her room wanting nothing more than to slide in beside her and cradle her as she lay quietly cradling her daughter a smile of contentment spread across her face.

Breakfast was filled with taking care of his favorite women and all of the distractions of preparing for another day.  Alexis remained silent regarding their conversation of the previous evening and he didn't really expect her to talk about it; but given the glances she tossed him a couple of times knew it was on her mind.  Her only foray into anything personal, coming in the form of questioning the tired look on his face.

"You look like hell, Cameron."

"Why thank you, Alexis."

"No, I mean you don't look like you were able to get any rest last night."

"Yeah, well it seems that staying with you the last few days formed a subconscious precedent that my head wasn't able to overcome.  I didn't sleep very well."

"I imagine not with how many times I felt you standing in the doorway watching Kristina and I."

"You felt me, Alexis?"

He watched in fascination the pink hue cross her face as she tried in vain to restate her unguarded words.

"Well you know what I mean.  Felt… heard… sensed… "

When she finally left him to lay Kristina down for a nap, Cameron took the opportunity to catch up on the sleep that was stolen from him during the night by his incessant need to stay close and watch over them.

Awaking he again felt the absence of her presence reach toward him and the dread of emptiness begin to descend.  Standing he began the search that would lead him from the empty kitchen to the empty bedroom to the empty bath and back into the front room.  The sound of metal against straining metal finally alerted him to where he would find her as the porch swing creaked loud enough to slice through the deafening silence and the darkness that was quickly falling on him.  He knew where the darkness was coming from, but did not have any idea how to stop it.  Darkness came from fear and his fear was that he would lose Alexis now that Kristina was back in her arms for good.  She didn't need him anymore.  Her voice through the screen door found him before his eyes found her and he sat down in the rocking chair to listen.

"Listen, my little one.  Did you hear that?  It's a little bird calling for its mother.  Do you know how I know that?  It's because I hear the same wish in the trill of his call that I heard in my own voice at night when I called for you.  I needed you with me so much that it actually hurt.  I heard that sound again last night when Cameron was talking to me right here on this swing.  I don't know what to do, Kristina.  He wants so much.  He wants me and I don't know if I can give him what he wants.  Did you know that every time either one of us moved last night he would find his way to our door to check on us?  I couldn't see him, but I did feel him there even when he didn't make a sound.  I feel so much for him and I'm afraid of it.  I'm so afraid of what I feel that I would just rather not focus on it.  That's the way your mommy is, little one.  I guess you could call me a modern day Scarlett O'Hara of sorts.  I don't want to hurt him, but yet I don't want to be hurt again either."

As he heard her shift Kristina in her arms he moved a little closer to the door to hear her better.  The sound of her voice was filled with confusion and at times he thought he could hear a bit of desire as well. 

"But, do you want to know what I know for sure, baby girl?  I know that he loves me and I know that he wants to take care of both of us.  Do you know what he did for me while we were waiting for you to come home?  Kristina, he stayed with me and took care of me.  I didn't have to lift the first finger to do anything.  He has been right by my side the whole time for the past few days.  What kind of man puts his life on hold like that for another human being?  Much less one that has abused his generosity time after time for months.  But, he keeps coming back.  No matter what I do or say, he just keeps coming back.  What could I offer him that would even come close to what he has given me over the past several months?  He should want nothing more than to be rid of me by now, but he just keeps coming back, angel."

Cameron could hear the disbelief in her voice and his heart ached that she would question herself so regarding their relationship.  Her next words caused his heart to beat faster.

"Maybe it's time for me to stop running from what I feel and finally face it without that trusty little magnifying glass your mommy hangs onto for dear life.  Come on, sweetness, let's take a walk and see if we can figure out just what it is that you and I need to do."

Cameron waited until he heard her step off the porch then went to the door and watched her walk around the side of the cabin.  He could hear her still talking to Kristina, but he could no longer make out what she was saying.  His head dropped and his chin fell to rest against his chest.  He didn't know what to make of the conversation he overheard.  Sometimes it sounded as if she wanted to be with him and sometimes it sounded as if she were trying to find a way to be free of him.  She was such a complicated enigma and one he desperately wanted to reach out to and draw into the circle of his arms.  Turning from the door he allowed his eyes to circle the room and it suddenly seemed too dark and too empty to remain there.  Grabbing a worn quilt from the back of the couch he escaped out the door and headed in the opposite direction Alexis had taken.  He wanted to give her time to figure out what she felt and he needed time to settle his own concerns.  He headed down one of the more overgrown paths toward the lake.  It was a shorter path than all the rest, but it would open up at the same point that all the rest of the paths leading from the cabin did.  He would wait for her to find her way to the lake and hopefully they could sit together for a while and talk.

*******

"Where did you come from?"

He grinned up at her from his vantage point lying on his back basking in the warmth of the sun.

"I thought I would enjoy the peace of the lake for a while so I brought a blanket out and well… here I am."

"But, I just left the cabin and you…"

"I know.  I saw you walk around the side of the house so I took a short cut.  Didn't want you out alone and I knew this is where you would end up.  Care to join me for a while?"

"It really is lovely out here, Cameron.  So peaceful.  Kristina and I were enjoying a little walk together and having a mother daughter talk.  But, we would love to join you for a while before heading back."

"Did you bring a bottle in case she gets hungry before you're ready to head back?"

He chuckled as Alexis rolled her eyes at him.

"Okay.  I should have known you would think of everything before leaving the cabin."

She grinned at his teasing of her and settled down beside him laying Kristina down in front of her on her stomach so the sun wouldn't be in her eyes and taking the diaper bag from her shoulder tossed it at him.

He laughed catching the bag and set it down on the other side of him then turned back to her.  He watched her gaze at her daughter with adoration and lifted his hand to rub it up and down her back a few times drawing her eyes to meet his.

"What are you thinking about, Alexis?"

Her eyes took on a wistful look as she dropped them back down to Kristina.

"Did I ever tell you that I used to talk to Kristina before she was born?"

"No, I don't think you ever told me that."

"Well, I did.  I used to have long conversations with her about everything.  She was the closest one I had that I could really talk to.  Until…"

"Until a nosey, bothersome head doctor insinuated himself into your life?"

He watched her smile, glance back at him hurriedly before dropping her eyes again to her daughter.

"Something like that."

"Have I really been that hard on you, Alexis?"

"In some ways… but, not like you're probably thinking."

"What do you mean?"

Placing her hands behind her on the quilt she leaned back and let her eyes travel across the lake.  Her eyes never stopped moving.  A clear indication that her mind was traveling as fast as her eyes, thought Cameron.  So he waited, knowing she would speak when everything was in its place.

"Most of the time I stayed so angry with you because you kept telling me what I didn't want to hear.  And most of the time you made your points with such accurate precision.  I wasn't stopping long enough to make sense of what I was doing.  All I knew was that someone else was being taken from me and I couldn't let it happen again.  Not this time.  This time I had to keep what was mine or die trying.  She's all that I have now and I have to protect her at all cost.  It no longer matters what happens to me as long as she gets everything she needs."

Cameron sat up and faced her.

"It matters to me, Alexis.  You matter to me.  Now more than ever before."

"Why now, Cameron?  Why do you insist on putting yourself into a place where you know you can get hurt?"

"Why will I get hurt, Alexis?  Have you decided that it is your lot in life to hurt me every chance you get?"

"No.  That's not… I don't…"  She sighed with exasperation.

"Or do you simply not know what you want out of life anymore and you're afraid that I'll get hurt if you don't return my feelings?"

"Something like that."

"Alexis, do you even know how you feel about me?"

"I… I'm… I'm not sure."

"Ok.  Let's put it on a more personal level.  Do you even know what you want out of life?"

"I want my daughter…"

"No, Alexis.  Leave your daughter out of this for a minute.  Everything for the past year has been about your daughter.  I know what you want for her.  I know what you will do for her.  And that's all well and good.  But right now, I want to know about you.  Who is Alexis Davis?  What does Alexis Davis want?" 

Her silence and the look of confusion on her face told Cameron everything he needed to know.

"You have no idea, do you?  Somewhere along the way you lost Alexis and you don't know where to find her anymore.  You don't even know where to begin to look to find her.  Everything since the day Ned took your life away from you by claiming this child has pushed the woman that you were so far down that you can't see her anymore."

He watched the tears form and begin to fall down her cheeks and in an effort to hide herself from him she turned her head away.  Not wanting her to shut down on him, he reached for her and taking her chin between his thumb and forefinger pulled her face back around toward him.  Looking into her eyes he saw the battle, the wounds, the scars… the struggle to hold onto what little strength she had left.

"Let me go, Cameron.  Please."

"I can't, angel.  As much as you want to run away and hide right now, you know that what I'm saying is the truth.  There has been something missing for a long time inside you.  And you know that you will never be okay again until you find it.  Right now it doesn't matter if you return my feelings or not.  Right now all that matters is that you find that part of yourself that you allowed to be taken from you by people who did not care enough to help you hang onto the very essence of the person you are.  Alexis Davis is more than a mother, more than a lawyer, more than a friend.  She is an individual who has value, worth… she has a lot to offer this world to make it a better place.  But, you've been beaten down so much that you can't see it anymore.  You've transferred everything you ever hoped and dreamed for yourself to this little girl and you're just waiting for her to grow up now so she can live the dreams that were stripped from you."

Cameron let go of her face and placed his hands on her shoulders and dipped his head just enough to lock his gaze with hers.

"Don't quit, Alexis!  Don't give your life away to your daughter.  Share it with her, love her enough to let her grow up knowing who the real Alexis Davis is, not the ghost of someone who once held a heart full of dreams and hopes and wishes that began with your very first victory over the insane cruelties of life."

She tore herself away from him and stood up to walk several paces away from him.  She stared out over the lake breathing heavily with the emotions that were tearing at her.  'How could he understand?  How could he possibly know the toll the last year of her life had exacted from her.'  She turned back around to face him.  The look on his face tore her heart from her breast.  She could see how much he loved her, how much he wanted her to be happy and free.  And suddenly she wanted nothing more than to have everything he wanted for her… wanted to give him everything he wanted.

"I lost her, Cameron.  Just when I thought I was finally finding my way… I lost it and I don't know how to get it back.  I don't know where to start to try and pull me back together.  If I can just hang on to enough of what is left for my daughter's sake…"

He stood quickly and walked to her taking her into his arms and holding her tight.

"Alexis, all that you were is still there just waiting for you to realize it.  I've seen it in you since we've been here.  You are more sure of yourself now than you were yesterday or the day before.  The problem is that it's been so long since you recognized anything in that heart of yours but fear, panic and anger, that it's hard for you to see the good right now.  But it is there, we just have to change your focus a bit.  You know, get it away from all the bad stuff."

"But, the bad stuff is gone now.  I have my daughter back and my license.  Ned and Skye are out of the picture…"

"And yet, you're still filled with residual fear.  Fear that something else could happen to damage the tenuous hold you have on happiness right now."

Moving out of his arms, she stepped away from him and took a couple of steps back toward her daughter who lay happily gurgling and kicking her legs as the shade of a tall oak tree reached toward her.  A smile came at the sight then quickly faded as she recognized the truth of his words.

"It's not residual.  It's always been there.  It's the price I pay for having been born into a life uncertainty.  It's a part of my life that I've come to accept and work around."

Cameron walked past her and sat down on the quilt beside Kristina then began to take his shoes and socks off.  He stood back up and then reached for Kristina.  At Alexis' protest he took her by the hand walked her to the edge of the lake.

"Just stand there a minute Alexis.  I want to show you something."

As Cameron took a couple of steps into the lake with her daughter, Alexis panicked.

"Cameron, what are you doing?"

Turning around he smiled at her then bent over and placed Kristina's feet into the water.  Gently raising and lowering her a couple of times just to plant the idea, he then stopped and waited for Kristina to learn.  It only took a moment for the baby's legs to begin kicking and splashing in the water and her laughter suddenly filled the air.  Cameron grinned and looked up when he heard Alexis join her daughter's laughter.

"It's really quite simple, Alexis.  We look to those things that give us joy.  We live for the moments that laugh in the face of the problems that try to take away from us the very moments that carry us from day to day.  Now tell me what you feel right now in this one isolated moment?"

She looked into the brilliance of his eyes as he stood lifting Kristina to his shoulder.  And she finally understood.

"Happy."

"Where is the fear?"

He watched her face take on a mask of concentration for a moment then a shy smile peeked out.

"It's gone."

He carefully walked back out of the lake to stand in front of her.  Looking at Kristina then back at Alexis he smiled.

"Life is made up of moments like these; little moments that turn into hours, that turn into days to remember.  There is a whole new world waiting for you, Alexis.  Today is a new day.  Let the past go and begin a new life today.  All you have to do is take your shoes off and wade in.  Trust that you're strong enough to stand up to the tides that will try to take your feet out from under you.  And when the tide inevitably becomes strong enough on occasion to succeed, trust that there will be someone there beside you to help you back up and stand with you combining his strength with yours."

"You?"

"If that is what you want, angel."

At that moment Kristina began to fuss and Cameron handed her over to Alexis while he put his shoes back on.  It was probably a good thing, Cameron thought.  Alexis needed time to think now.  He could tell by the look in her eyes that his words had reached her.  She only needed time to let them take root now and begin to grow.

***********

Lunch was done and Cameron sat holding a sleeping Kristina.  He was almost about to nod off himself when he felt Alexis' hand fall to rest on his shoulder.  Looking up he met her smile.

"Will you watch her a while for me?  I'd like to take a walk… do some thinking."

"Sure thing, angel.  We'll be just fine."

As she started toward the door he reached and caught her hand.  When she looked back at him he simply tightened his grip a little then let go.  She looked into his eyes a moment longer then moved back toward him and bent down to lay her lips upon his for a brief moment then lay her cheek against his.  Her soft whispered "thank you" held so much emotion that he found himself fighting for control of his own.  He knew she was thanking him for so much more than just watching after Kristina and his heart filled that she seemed willing to accept what he was trying to do for her in showing her that her life was so much more than she was allowing herself to accept.

As she moved away he smiled into her eyes and she returned his smile before she turned and walked away.

*********** 

Two hours passed and Cameron was beginning to get worried.  Alexis had not returned yet from her walk.  He picked up a fussy Kristina from her bassinet and walked outside.  He didn't figure he would find her around the cabin so he headed toward the lake and Kristina immediately quieted with the fascination of being outdoors again.  Just as he began to emerge from the woods he saw her.  She was sitting down facing the lake.  As he started toward her, he saw her reach for her foot.  Stopping instantly… he waited to see what she was up to.  She untied the shoe and slipped it off then reached for the other.  Once both feet were bare she stood back up and took a hesitant step forward then stopped.  One more step and her foot would find the edge of the lake.  He could sense the turmoil in her by her rigid stance.  She was afraid!  Afraid to move forward… and yet, afraid not to.  Alexis was facing a major crossroad in her life.  One step would forever change her destiny.  One step forward or one step backward.  Either way she would remember this moment as the moment that defined the rest of her life.  She was making a choice; deciding the road her future would take.  

The tears fell from his eyes as he watched her finally step into the lake.  He quickly turned and walked back toward the cabin leaving her to keep her personal victory a private matter.  If she wanted him to know, it would be her secret to share.  Just before he turned the bend and she would completely leave his sight he looked back.  His hand came up to caress her child as he watched Alexis lift her arms up toward the sky as her head fell back.  Laughter, full of joy and release filled the air and he quietly spoke into the ear of the child she loved so much.

"Good for mommy, little angel.  Good for mommy."

*********

He was sitting at the kitchen table when she finally returned patiently feeding Kristina.  She walked in with a smile across her face and a bounce in her step.  It was a new day for Alexis.  She took her daughter from his arms and lay her down in her bassinet then returned to sit down beside him.

"Would you like to know where I've been?"

"Well since there's not a whole lot of options around here, my guess would be the lake."

Slapping at him she chuckled.

"Smart-aleck.  Ok, so I was at the lake.  Care to know what I was doing at the lake?"

He slanted his head to one side and grinned with mischief.

"Swimming?"

She laughed and lay her hand down on top of his.

"Ok wise guy.  No more questions for you.  This is too important for you to tease me about it."

"Alright angel.  No more teasing.  Tell me."

The eyes that met his were the clearest, most brilliant shade of brown he had ever seen.  He suddenly found himself falling with nothing to catch him but the softness of her eyes.

"I found myself, Cameron.  I found the 'me' I'm supposed to be.  My life is not defined by what happened in my past.  It is not defined by who raised me, or loved me, or even didn't love me.  I make the choices of how my life progresses.  It is my right to choose how to handle my life.  I forgot that somewhere along the way.  I let every one around me dictate every move I made.  And when things went wrong I let them take control from me and all I was left with was trying to steal back what was mine in the first place; and I don't mean just my daughter.  They had me twisting in the wind so much that I couldn't find even a moment to think rationally.  I forgot how to fight.  I forgot how to use their vulnerabilities against them.  But, more important than any of that… I forgot how to use the lessons that I've learned throughout my lifetime to keep what was mine all along.  And it took an overbearing, obnoxious, egotistical beautiful man to show me where I went wrong.  Thank you for helping me to open my eyes, Cameron."

"Sounds like you had quite a walk."

"Yeah.  One that ended up in the lake."

"So that's why the bottom of your jeans are wet."

She looked down a moment then back up tossing the hair out of her face.  Reaching down she grabbed hold of her chair and leaning forward a bit pulled it closer to him.

"Know what else I found out while I was standing in the lake?"

"What else, angel."

"I was standing there laughing at myself for standing in a lake with my jeans on and I suddenly missed you.  I wanted you to be standing there with me.  In every bad moment I've had over the past several months, you've been there right beside me.  And over the last few days when I needed you the most, you never left my side.  So, when I looked around this afternoon to share my moment with you, you weren't there and I suddenly had this hole inside me that I knew only you could fill.  So I came back here to you… to share it with you."

He covered her hand that still lay on his arm with his own and leaned closer to her.

"I was there, angel."

Surprise washed across her face.

"You were?"

He ducked his head a bit afraid that she would be upset or angry with him.

"I was worried.  You were gone a long time.  So Kristina and I went looking for you.  We got to the lake just as you were taking your shoes offs.  I didn't want to intrude on your moment, but I saw you step into the lake."

"Cameron, it was the single most important thing I've ever done in my life as an individual.  I considered my daughter's future as well as my own because whatever I do from now on will have a direct bearing on her.  But, I made a decision for myself based on who I am and what I want."

"What is it that you want, Alexis?"

She reached up and placed her hand against the curve of his cheek then let her fingers move slowly through his beard over his ear into the thickness of his hair.  As she watched her fingers disappear she met his eyes once again and smiled.

"I want to love you good enough on the outside, to make you feel it on the inside."

A radiant smile crossed his face and his eyes shined.  Words he had spoken only days ago to tell her how he felt were suddenly being quoted back to him.

"You remembered?"

"Every word… every touch… every moment…  My life began the moment I stepped into that lake this afternoon, because I stepped into your life… into your world.  I want to be there for you like you've always been there for me.  Will you continue to be with me always, Cameron and let me be there for you?"

"All you have to do is look up, angel.  I'll be there..."

He felt her pull him toward her and as her lips met his he breathed a sigh of relief and let go of all the questions and fears that she would leave him to face the world alone.  He was finally home.  She was home… she was love, light and laughter.  She was his heart and soul.  Alexis had finally found that part of herself that made her unique… special in her own right.  And she gave it all when she kissed him walking boldly into his world full of strength and confidence.  Together they would build a lifetime of special moments and they would love each other through all the storms of life knowing that if they stood as one… no one and nothing could tear them apart.  Cameron reached for her and his hands found a resting place on each side of her beautiful face.

"Touch me, angel.  Touch me like I've always wanted to touch you."

   The End.  (I hate those words. L)