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Chapter 21: On Cloven-Hoofed Heroes

Harry woke up early the next morning, knowing that he had a long day ahead of him. Harry stood up, and promptly came crashing to the floor.

"Oof," said Harry, his head throbbing from the collision. He would have a black eye from that.

Harry tried to get up again, but felt strangely uncoordinated. Harry looked down, and where he should have seen human feet he saw cloven hoofs.

Harry seethed. Snape. It had to be. Who else would do this to him.

An alarmed house elf came out from the armoire.

"Is Harry Potter being hurt, Sir?" asked the elf.

"Harry Potter is being bloody pissed," growled Harry.

"Dobby is not being able to help Harry Potter Sir," said Dobby sadly, noticing Harry's deformity. "Harry Potter is needing a potion to fix him."

Harry just growled again, before heading to the bathroom.

After much difficult, Harry had washed and dressed himself. A very sore Harry Potter was now making his way to the dungeons.

"This. Is. NOT. FUNNY." Harry yelled after barging into the potions master's office.

Snape's eyes widened slightly, but his expression was promptly changed to a smirk.

"Oh, but I assure you Harry, it is," said a still-smirking Snape.

Harry glared. He was tempted to hex Snape into next week. For that matter, Harry couldn't quite resist the temptation. His fingers were itching, itching to reach for his wand. He couldn't seem to help himself.

Harry took his wand out of his pocket and aimed it at Snape's back, who was now rummaging in his store closet.

"Manus Fructus Factus sum ,"* cried Harry. Snape dropped the vial he was handling, and moved out of the way just in time. The vial fell to the stone floor and, shattering, ate a hole right through it.

"Fool boy," sighed Snape, turning around, his hands oddly resembling two bunches of grapes.

Harry gasped as he realized what he had almost caused to happen. Appropriate though, mused Harry, that Snape's Fructus form** would be grapes. It seemed fitting, somehow.

"I will forgive that, Harry, as you are not currently in control of all of your faculties," said Snape.

"I warned Tonks…" Snape murmured under his breath.

"Tonks?" asked Harry, "What does she have to do with this? You're the Snarky Bastard who never stops toying with me, you Sadistic Old Bat! You're the Bloody Arse who's ready to abandon his own son like so much old rubbish the moment…"

"Enough!" growled Snape.

"I'm not quite done yet, you wretched excuse for a man!" screamed Harry.

"Out," bellowed Snape, and with a wave of his fruitlike hand, Harry was flying out the door, which slammed in front of him the moment he was past it.

Still in a fit of temper, Harry stormed out of the dungeons as best he could with his odd new feet.

"Oh, this is simply too good to be true: Harry Potter: The Great Hoofed Hero." said a gleeful voice from behind Harry.

Malfoy. "Shut it, Ferret!" said Harry.

"Let me guess," said Malfoy, "trying to become an illegal Animagus like your dead mutt of a godfather?"

"Don't you dare talk about Sirius! Decresco," said Harry, smirking as he saw Malfoy turn into mini-Malfoy. In fact, Malfoy was now four feet tall.

"Elanguesco," Malfoy shot back, and Harry's legs gave out beneath him.

"Rideo," said Harry from where he lay, sprawled on the ground. Orange light shot at Malfoy, and he burst out in gales of laughter, thus momentarily rendered incapable of speaking another curse.

"Demadesco," said Harry, taking advantage of the situation and causing Malfoy to wet himself.

"Livesco," Malfoy shot a blue bolt of light at Harry, whose skin promptly turned a matching shade. Why does everyone think I'll look good in blue? Harry thought sarcastically.

"Pinguesco," Harry retaliated, and Malfoy was now not only short, but very fat as well.

"Sanguis Fervesco," said Malfoy, shooting a red bolt of light at Harry. Harry could feel his blood begin to heat.

"Finite Incantatum," said a soft silky voice from behind Harry. To Harry's relief, the boiling in his veins abated. "That is enough. The two of you will go to the Headmaster's office at once."

"Sod off, you…" started Harry.

"Lingua Teneo ," Snape languidly flung the curse at Harry, who promptly shut his mouth. "GO!"

Someone should give him cloven feet, thought Harry, the Evil Old Git.

* * * * *

Dumbledore's eyes couldn't seem to keep from twinkling mirthfully as a blue, cloven-hoofed Harry Potter and a short, fat Draco Malfoy entered his office, though the old man tried to don a grave mask.

"Explain yourselves," said the Headmaster, trying to keep the amusement out of his voice and failing miserably. "I'm disappointed in the two of you."

"Potter just started hexing me in the hallway, Headmaster," said Malfoy.

Harry, whose tongue wouldn't move, pointed frantically at his mouth.

"Finite Incantatum," said the Headmaster, and Harry was again able to speak.

"That sodding little prick insulted Sirius," said Harry. "He deserved everything he got, and then some! I only stopped because Snape hexed me, the slimy…"

"That's enough, Harry. Draco, you may go, though you will both be punished," said Dumbledore.

"But you heard him, Headmaster! He attacked me!" whined Draco.

"And I'll do it again, you…"

"Harry," warned Dumbledore.

"You did provoke him, Draco. You will both be punished," said Dumbledore simply.

Once Draco had left, not without more grumbling, Dumbledore turned to Harry.

"If I'm not mistaken, Harry, you had these cloven hooves before meeting Mr. Malfoy," said Dumbledore.

"Yes, Headmaster," Harry answered.

"Do you know how you came about these hooves?" asked Dumbledore.

"Yeah, that Slimy Bastard put it in the potion he gave me…"

"Harry," Dumbledore warned gently.

"Though that's not Severus's style," Dumbledore added, stroking his beard in contemplation.

"Aside from the physical effects, do you know what else this transformation entails, Harry?" Dumbledore asked.

"What, the physical part isn't bad enough? I'm gonna hex that…"

"Harry," Dumbledore stopped the boy from speaking his thoughts once again.

"Cloven hooves are emblematic of the devil, according to many Muggles, and the wizard who invented the particular potion that you drank believed that it would be amusing to add some of the characteristics of the devil into the list of effects that the potion would have on a person," explained Dumbledore.

"Are you calling me a little devil?" asked Harry.

Dumbledore chuckled. "No, my boy."

Harry glared.

Dumbledore corrected himself. "No, Harry, I am not."

Harry felt a bit guilty. He knew he had hurt Dumbledore with his request not to be referred to as 'my boy.'

"The Muggles believe that the Devil uses temptation as a weapon. The potion is designed to diminish your capacity to refrain from succumbing to various temptations, such as shrinking Malfoy," said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling.

"Oh," said Harry, his eyes widening in realization.

He was going to have hell to pay with Snape.

*I don't doubt that my Latin is atrocious. Corrections would be most appreciated.

**Kind of like an Animagus form, only for fruit instead.