This work is the result of a collaboration of authors on
www.startrekvoyager.com. Their names are written above their chapters.
Please do not copy without permission.
The original concept was an "add-on" fanfiction, in which anyone could post a new addition to the storyline. In deference to the spirit of the story, anyone who wishes to contribute can write a section and email it to me at Dana_Katherine_Scully64@Yahoo.com. Please make sure you are writing from the most current point in the story: the story will be updated on STV, so you can check to see if there are any recent updates at:
c&start=0
Here are the parameters for writing a section of the story. This is the most current version of these parameters.
Parameters:
1) You can use any series! But please try to stick with ONE general story line. 2) Please find some way to use the phrase "I think I'll keep you" in the body of what you add to the fic. (not too strict on this one but try very hard)
3) Please DO NOT add "one-liners." Try to post at least a good-sized paragraph, preferably more. 4) Your section will be edited by myself or possibly by another author in the fic for grammatical errors and awkward wordings. If there is a change that has been made to your work which you feel compromises your writing, DO NOT HESITATE TO TELL THE EDITOR. The last thing any of us wishes to do is curtail your artistry!
5) Please include your name/pen name with your writing: everyone should get proper credit!
6) This takes place after Nemesis: I'm going to make the assumption that another Enterprise will be built. This will be the NCC-1701-F, and as for the Voyager characters, VVS8/9 have not happened.
7) You can write from the standpoint of any character.
"I Think I'll Keep You"
Dana Katherine Scully:
Jean-Luc Picard walked onto the bridge of the new Enterprise F. Since he had taken command of the Enterprise D those many years ago, it had felt like a merry-go-round of Enterprises: one right after another. He could swear that sometimes he felt dizzy! However, the one constant had been his crew. His senior officers especially had been a pillar of his life for 15 years, and when the Enterprise D had been destroyed, they all had moved with him to the Enterprise E. But now? He had lost his First Officer, his best friend, to the winds of change. And to make matters worse, he had lost a dear friend and trusted companion in the same gust: poof! The great Jean- Luc Picard stood slightly more stooped than before, his proud silhouette just a bit less distinct. "A man is no more than the people he surrounds himself with," he noted in his personal log.
Amid all of the turmoil caused by the departure of his friends, Jean-Luc found comfort in the strength of his strongest pillar: that of his dear friend Beverly. She had remained with him for many years, and he felt honoured to serve with such a fine officer and top-notch doctor. Although he'd never admit it, he also felt a bit more than honoured. "To be perfectly honest," he noted in his log, "I'm downright giddy that she's chosen to remain with me."
*
Standing in her new sickbay, Beverly Crusher was overwhelmed by the newness of it all. The technology was advancing so quickly she swore that some day it would trip over itself and they'd be pack to the days of the automobile and the "desktop computer" (if you could call it that). She quite imagined herself that way sometimes: moving from place to place so quickly that eventually she'd trip and fall flat on her face, and realize that she had no one left to pick her up. Wesley was following his own path, and Jack had left long ago. Jean-Luc was sweet, but he was so afraid of offending her or pushing her that he would only pick her up with her express consent! His tendency to repress his emotions made her both amused and angry, because she could ask him point-blank if he was feeling something she KNEW he was feeling, and he would blow her off. But there were those rare moments, moments when time seemed to stop short and all other creatures disappear, leaving them alone in the universe. Moments when he would make an off-hand remark that he thought revealed nothing, but told Beverly everything.
Occasionally, she would have dreams about him. She wondered with a sigh what Deanna would think about that. Would she laugh and say, "Beverly, it's an infatuation!" Or look her in the eye and ask her, "And did you two...you know...well...so?" (to which Beverly would have to nod). Beverly thought, however, that the most likely reaction she would get from her friend would be, "Beverly, why haven't you told him how much you're in love with him?" She would spin some tail about how she felt it was inappropriate. But in her heart, she was afraid. Afraid that his feelings were not as strong as hers, or that he was secretly in love with someone else, or that he was simply not attracted to her, or...or...
Or what, Beverly? she would then ask herself. The personal log entries that she had made regarding the subject were confused rants, Beverly "The Ice Queen" Crusher going through emotions like a newborn through baby clothes. One minute she was blushing, the next smiling, even tearing up a bit. One time she'd even gone to the holodeck and told the computer to program him up. She put them together in a small suite in a hotel in Paris, and spent nearly three hours dancing with his hologram. When she was called to the bridge, Beverly paused the program and stared hard at the hologram of Jean- Luc, trying to decide whether to save the program and admit her weakness for him, or to let it pass into oblivion and to save it only in her memory. After a long moment, she whispered, "I think I'll keep you." The paused hologram gave no reply, simply stared back into her eyes blankly.
And so her life continued, an endless cycle of unfulfilled longings and half wishes: dream-world fantasies and real life miseries. Does he even know?
*
"Captain's personal log, Stardate 34527.5. The Enterprise F is still in space dock and we are preparing for her new crewmembers to board before heading to the Neutral Zone to assist in concluding the Romulan peace talks. Meanwhile, my personal life has taken a turn for the worse. Dr. Crusher seems to have insinuated herself into my mind, and I can't seem to shake her image from my dreams. I've tried everything I can think of to make it stop, and my last resort may have to be a visit to sickbay. I cannot imagine what Beverly would think of me then.
"Today, she brought a tabby cat into my ready room, one that she's apparently adopted from the Starbase's museum. She plunked her down on my desk and said that she was the newest candidate for Ship's Conselour. I was shocked and a bit angry that she'd bring an animal into my ready room, but as I looked into that little cat's eyes I could swear she was reading my soul. By her silence she was almost pushing me to reveal everything to Beverly: to tell her everything about my feelings for her. I am still a bit shaky from the encounter, as it revealed so much about the inner workings of both of our minds. A little too much about me, I fear.
"There are times that I desperately wish that I knew her thoughts again. The feeling of truly connecting with her in such a way was incredible. To know the mind of another human being so well is to become a part of something greater than yourself. It is to become a part of a true 'us.' Unfortunately, during the last conversation I had with Beverly about the matter, she informed me point-blanc she did not wish to start that kind of relationship between us. At the time I thought, 'Well I've waited 20 years. What's another few?' But I've become restless: obsessive even. I see her everywhere, everything reminds me of her. I suppose I've always been a bit obsessive about things: I become extremely single-minded when I want something. I fear that is what is happening now. Good Lord I hope I can wait for her. End log entry."
He paused for a moment. "Computer delete previous log entry. Begin new."
"Captain's personal log, Stardate 34527.5. We are preparing to receive our new crewmembers before departing space dock, including my new First Officer. Afterward we will report to the Romulan Neutral Zone to continue to assist in the peace talks. I am a bit nervous about our reception with our former enemies, but I am hopeful that the talks will pan out well. It will also give the crew a chance to visit with our former First Officer and Conselour."
*
"Chief Medical Officer Beverly Crusher, personal log. Stardate 34527.5. I am in the midst of 'acclimating' several new medical staff members to the Enterprise F, and to my expectations. They are an attentive group, and though they are young and inexperienced I'm sure they will learn very quickly.
"This past few days has been tiring for me, but I have a new family member to help relieve the strain. Her name is Miss Deanna (after my dear friend), and she is a tabby cat. She wandered into my quarters one day after apparently having escaped the "exotic Terran animals" display at the Space Dock's museum. I contacted the museum officials when I found her and they told me she had been nothing but a pain since the day they'd found her. I told them that I would be happy to remove their pain from their hands. The communication ended right after they told me they were more than happy to give me the cat. I looked her right in her inquisitive green eyes and said, "I think I'll keep you, Miss Deanna." She cocked her head at me, and at that moment I swore she could read my soul. Incredible how you can find a human personality in an animal.
"I was so struck by Miss Deanna's little foray into empathic perception that I decided to formally introduce her to Jean-Luc. I marched onto the bridge holding the cat one day, and was told by a very flustered Lieutenant that the Captain was in his ready room. I 'rang the bell' and heard his familiar 'Come.' The doors slid open, and I held the cat in front of me.
"The look on Jean-Luc's face was priceless. He went from shock to anger to amusement in the space of a few seconds. 'Beverly, what the devil are you doing with an animal in my ready room!?' he boomed, attempting to sound imposing. I laughed. 'Jean-Luc, I think you should consider this little tabby cat a candidate for ship's conselour.' Jean-Luc looked extremely confused. I put the cat down on his desk and let her look him right in the eye for a few moments. At first he was shocked that I would be so presumptuous as to place a tabby cat on his desk! But after a moment, he took notice of Miss Deanna's penetrating stare and was fascinated by the power she had over him. I picked her back up after a few moments, and stroked her until she purred. 'Isn't she just perfect for the spot Jean- Luc? Incapable of any form of speech, and yet with a stare she can look into your soul and help you to do the same.' I wish I could see into his soul as I fear he does into mine.
"Our subsequent discussion was fascinating, an intellectual feast of ideas about sentience, psychology, and a myriad of little remarks that made me shiver with delight. I hope I did not reveal too much of my feelings for him: I fear he does not reciprocate them.
"Well, Miss Deanna seems to be a bit hungry. We've transferred the Enterprise D's replicator memory files from ship to ship, so I can still request some of Data's concoctions for Spot. Poor Spot. After we lost Data, he seemed to waste away to nothing. He died two weeks ago, and we all got together one last time to bid both of them goodbye. It was one of the saddest moments of my life. Data's death hit us all very hard. But that is a story for another day. End log entry."
*
Beverly Crusher had a mission. She was going to whip these new cadets into shape if it killed her. She was a hard worker and expected the same of her staff, and it irked her to see the young Starfleet cadets that had been put under her command hanging around in Ten Forward until the second before they were due to go on duty in sickbay. What if there was an emergency? What if the ship suddenly came under attack? These were dangerous times: the Federation and the Romulan Empire were involved in peace talks but there were more than a few citizens of each group who would never be used to the idea. Both organizations faced a constant threat of rebellion, and despite all of her efforts to keep politics out of sickbay, the Enterprise's crew was distracted, and it showed.
In her office in sickbay, Beverly had set up a little corner for Miss Deanna, whose presence she found to be a soothing reminder of her old friend. The Enterprise would never be the same without all of them: Data, Will, Deanna. She knew the other senior officers were feeling it too: Geordi kept coming into sickbay, complaining of a headache, and then would spend as much time as he could talking about Data and the "good old days." Beverly would have to kick him out when a crewmember in real need of medical attention came in, but the truth was that she really wanted to talk just as much as he did. The senior staff's morale was beyond low; it didn't take an empath to see that. The new conselour was a lovely woman, but she didn't have Deanna's abilities and she was often at a loss to help people who missed her.
While Beverly mulled over absent friends, Jean-Luc himself walked purposefully into sickbay. "Beverly, I need to speak with you," he said, all business. Jean-Luc was fairing much worse than she expected with all of the changes in the crew. He would never tell her the extent of it, but she knew that he was distracted and upset. Beverly followed him into her office and shut the door behind them.
"What is it Jean-Luc," she asked gently.
The captain seemed to catch his breath. "I need your advice," he said finally. "It's a personal matter."
"Anything Jean-Luc you know that," Beverly replied, inviting him to sit. She herself took the seat behind her desk, putting a bit of space between them.
Jean-Luc seemed to be searching for something. Finally he stuttered, "Beverly I have a...a problem...of a...um...a personal nature."
Beverly was intrigued, to say the least. He never ceases to surprise me, she thought. "Yes?"
"Ever since...since my nephew died, I've been thinking about the sum of my life: what I'll leave behind. When I met Shinzon I was appalled at how evil he had become: how I could have become had my circumstances been different. I want to find a way to repair the damage that I myself have done."
"Captain," Beverly gasped. "Shinzon was not you! He may have had your DNA but he was most certainly not you, and you should not be held responsible for his actions."
"Shouldn't I?" Jean-Luc replied. "I wonder. I was the one who tried to teach him about humanity, instead of destroying him when I could have. I made the wrong choice, and someone of my same family line (because Beverly he was of my family line) caused irreparable harm and even death." He paused for a few moments. "If I were to...to have a child, Beverly. If I were to raise a child with...with someone whom I loved...and...and trusted. Could I not repair the mistakes that Shinzon made?"
Beverly was stunned. "I...Jean-Luc I simply...I simply don't know what to say. I wish I knew your thoughts," she said. "If you're thinking what I think you're thinking..."
Jean-Luc became agitated, interrupting with, "Beverly, if you had the chance to have another child would you?"
"Jean-Luc what are you asking me?"
"Simply if you would take the chance to have another child if you could."
"Well, I honestly can't say."
Jean-Luc sighed heavily. "I'm sorry Doctor: I shouldn't have interrupted your work. I'll be on the bridge." The captain suddenly looked ten years older. He pushed himself out of his chair and walked slowly out of sickbay, Beverly calling after him.
When he did not come back, Beverly left sickbay in the care of Nurse Ogawa and went to Holodeck 4. "Computer run program Crusher 10."
She entered the holodeck and saw her virtual Jean-Luc standing solemnly where she left him. "Hello Jean-Luc," she whispered. "Run program."
The hologram turned to look at her. Eyebrows arched in typical Jean-Luc fashion, he said to her, "I think I'll keep you."
*
Admiral Janeway stood looking out of the large window in her quarters. It felt good to be back in space again: ever since Voyager had arrived home, she'd been somewhat less than happy on Earth. It had been nice to have a break from the adventures of Voyager, but she felt compelled to go back into that vast unknown that she had helped to discover a bit more of. The Family was all on board for the maiden voyage of the newest Enterprise: that had been Kathryn's first priority when she was promoted to Admiral a month after Voyager's return (after the hearings were over). She knew her family was restless: the children were ready to leave the nest again. Well, most of them.
Tom and B'Elanna had settled in to a new home in San Francisco, and they were reluctant to leave because their daughter was so young, but the couple agreed that they'd rather not miss the opportunity to bring the family together again, even if they were only Starfleet observers on the Enterprise. The rest of Voyager's crew had agreed, right down to the last few Maquis who were still unsure about being around Starfleet.
Upon their return to Earth, Harry had been promoted to Lieutenant, and he was enjoying every minute of it. It felt good, he said, to be known as something a little more...noble than 'Ensign'. Admiral Janeway had agreed and shook his hand firmly.
Janeway the Starfleet Admiral was thrilled to be onboard the Enterprise. She wanted to catch up with Captain Picard, study Voyager's extensive database and make some sense of it, and above all, she wanted to prove that she was worthy of her rank. Kathryn Janeway the woman, on the other hand, was less than content.
Commander Chakotay had become more and more distant since his marriage to Seven. He kept himself isolated from The Family, as did Seven. When she did see them together, they were both sad and distant. She knew that she shouldn't be so quick to judge their marriage, but she couldn't help thinking that it just wasn't right. The two of them had strenuously resisted her invitation to join The Family onboard the Enterprise F, but her famous iron will had brought her and Chakotay to such an argument that he had no choice but to come. He was still angry with her, but not nearly as much as Seven. Kathryn knew Seven sensed that she was skeptical of the relationship. Chakotay was over-protective of his wife, not allowing her much freedom at all for fear that she'd be injured. She in her turn become insanely jealous if he so much as looked at another woman, so much so that she'd actually locked him into the house for a week so that he could look at no one but her. Her returning human emotions were overpowering her sensibilities. Kathryn knew that with the right kind of help, Seven could recover, but Chakotay's spiteful retorts to her insane inquiries did not help matters one bit.
Though she would never admit it to herself, Kathryn believed that she could have been the one for Chakotay. She still dreamed about him, about how he was on Voyager. She would wake up crying after dreams of him being torn from her embrace by some sort of black monster, his face turning cold and indifferent to her suffering. Some nights were better than others though. Sometimes she would vividly recall their days together on New Earth, and her mind would alter the course of events so that she told him everything: all the thoughts and feelings that she was keeping to herself during those days. Of course they were only dreams, but dreams were the gateway to her unconscious. Without them, she'd go crazy trying to repress her thoughts.
The door chimed, pulling her from her reverie. "Come in!" she called, turning to face the door.
The door slid open, and Jean-Luc Picard stood facing her. "Admiral Janeway. It's good to see you. How is your crew settling in?"
"The Family's all right," she replied in her husky voice, smiling at Jean- Luc's momentary confusion at her mention of a "family". "I've been meaning to tell you Jean-Luc. Commander Chakotay is an amateur archeologist who is very interested in meeting you." At least he was, she thought. "I think he would appreciate it very much if you would contact him about his interests. He made some fascinating discoveries in the Delta Quadrant."
Jean-Luc smiled appreciatively at Admiral Janeway. "Thank you, I'll make it a point to do so." He paused for a moment, and Janeway wondered what else was on his mind. Finally he said, "As you know, we've been assigned to assist with the peace talks with the Romulans. With your level of diplomatic experience Admiral, I was hoping that you would assist us in our peace talks. As you know, the Romulans have heard about Voyager's incredible journey through the Delta Quadrant, and they have a lot of respect for you and your crew. Your help would be greatly appreciated."
Janeway tipped her head to the side in her characteristic gesture of self- confidence. "Have no fear Jean-Luc. I knew you had an ulterior motive when you allowed us to come along. I've already begun to read up on your adventures with the Romulans." She smirked at him good-naturedly: their old friendship was being rekindled. It was a nice feeling. Real friends are hard to come by lately, she thought, not without a touch of malice. She quickly chased the thought from her mind: jailing it behind the tritanium walls she had taught herself to build around her emotions.
"Thank you very much Admiral. And now I have a lady to attend to," he quipped. "Ms. Enterprise F is quite the task master. I've already had to reprogram the replicators again: we're now trying to recover all of the lost holodeck data from the earlier Enterprise."
"How is the recovery progressing?" the Admiral asked, a little too enthusiastically. "I could give you a hand if you like: sitting behind that Admiral's desk becomes quite a bore after a while."
Jean-Luc smiled. "I'm glad you find it so stimulating."
Janeway gave him her patented false-exasperation face, and they headed toward engineering.
*
Chakotay watched his wife Seven of Nine pace anxiously through their quarters as she thought about his question. Standing around still made her crazy: she hadn't quite recovered from her Borg-driven quest for perfect efficiency. Frankly, it drove her husband nuts. It had been fine when they were dating: he even found it pathetically attractive. He had married Seven because he felt she needed him to care for her. What he hadn't anticipated, however, was how she could turn that quest for perfection into an insane obsession, more paranoia rather, with the suspicion that he was cheating on her.
Once, about a month after they had moved into their new home, she had locked him in the house for a week in a rage after she'd seen him talking to a young ensign at Starfleet Medical Research. The poor young woman simply needed the encouragement of a superior officer: she'd become discouraged after a particularly bad day. Chakotay had merely told her that not every day would be like today. He had given her a smile, then turned and walked away. Unfortunately, Seven had been standing at the end of the corridor.
"How dare you!!!" she half whispered, her voice sharp and cold.
Chakotay tried to stay calm. "Honey, I was merely offering the young woman some words of encouragement: she's had a rough day and..."
"You would leave me for a child?!" Seven screamed. She threw the PADD that she was working on at him, then (apparently deciding that that wasn't good enough) she threw herself at him. "I don't believe you!" she yelled, fists pounding mercilessly against his body.
Chakotay tried to take her into his embrace, but she would have none of it. "Seven, please calm down. Seven please." he pleaded, trying to ignore the stares of co-workers and the warnings of security guards.
"Ma'am, get off of him please," one of the guards called out firmly.
"No, no, it's all right," Chakotay shouted as he began to subdue her. "Honey come on," he whispered to the now weeping woman in his arms. "Let me get you home."
Long story short, when they had arrived at the house, Chakotay had been relieved that Seven appeared to have worn her self out and was sleeping peacefully. He picked her up and carried her inside, tenderly laying her down on their bed. He then lay down next to her and wrapped himself around her back, wondering sadly about what had happened to the ideal woman he thought he'd married. When he'd awoken the next morning, Seven was gone and he could not find a way out of their home. She had left taunting, accusatory notes all around the house, even changed his access codes so that he couldn't escape from the prison they'd built for themselves.
Seven's rage had taken its toll on her efficiency however: she'd forgotten to disable communications. Chakotay had called Kathryn at Starfleet HQ as soon as he knew what was going on. She was his lifeline for the next hellish week. She talked him out of suicide, out of hating Seven, out of hating himself. She'd helped him to find the reasons that he'd married Seven in the first place, though he knew it gave her great pain to do so. He'd loved her for so long that he'd made himself forget about it: he'd forced himself to reconcile his feelings for Kathryn with the fact that he knew she'd never openly return his affections. That's when he'd convinced himself he was in love with Seven. But of course he didn't tell Kathryn that.
Ironically, after that week, he and Kathryn had drifted apart. He was afraid that Seven would find out about their intimate conversations: to this day he wasn't sure if she had. He'd deleted the communications from the logs, but that certainly wouldn't be enough to stop his wife. He was also terrified of his feelings: it frightened him that after so many years of repressing love for Kathryn, it could come flaming back up like an out of control bonfire in his heart.
And now he was on the same ship with Kathryn, breathing the same air again. The feeling was as terrifying as it was intoxicating. In contrast, he was also trapped inside his quarters with a wife who had become increasingly violent and unstable. He had pledged his life to her, and he would not give up on her, but it meant that he had to resign himself to a less than desirable existence for the duration of their time together. He only hoped Kathryn would wait for him.
"So what do you think Seven?" he asked her gently. "Do you think we can make it?"
Seven looked him dead in the eye, her eyes blazing with defiance. The love that she had felt so strongly at the beginning of their marriage was growing dimmer by the day, but she was stubborn and refused to give up on their contract. The feeling of possessing him so completely made her feel powerful again, as if she were still home in the Collective. When he strayed from her, she had the power to contain him: punish him. When he pleased her, she could extract even more from him by acting as though he would never be sufficient. He was so gentle with her too: she could manipulate that as well.
There were moments when she stopped to take stock and realized that she was not acting on the basis of human love at all, but out of lust and need. Then she would hurry on about her life, willing herself to forget that and to convince herself that love governed all of her actions. She had not had any contact with Admiral Janeway since she was promoted: the fact that she was on this mission at all was a tribute to the Admirals stubbornness and unwillingness to see her slip into madness. It also spoke to her determination to let Seven know that she was loved, though through the cynical fog that clouded her vision Seven could see none of this. All she wanted was to keep Chakotay for her own. "I think I'll keep you," she replied.
The original concept was an "add-on" fanfiction, in which anyone could post a new addition to the storyline. In deference to the spirit of the story, anyone who wishes to contribute can write a section and email it to me at Dana_Katherine_Scully64@Yahoo.com. Please make sure you are writing from the most current point in the story: the story will be updated on STV, so you can check to see if there are any recent updates at:
c&start=0
Here are the parameters for writing a section of the story. This is the most current version of these parameters.
Parameters:
1) You can use any series! But please try to stick with ONE general story line. 2) Please find some way to use the phrase "I think I'll keep you" in the body of what you add to the fic. (not too strict on this one but try very hard)
3) Please DO NOT add "one-liners." Try to post at least a good-sized paragraph, preferably more. 4) Your section will be edited by myself or possibly by another author in the fic for grammatical errors and awkward wordings. If there is a change that has been made to your work which you feel compromises your writing, DO NOT HESITATE TO TELL THE EDITOR. The last thing any of us wishes to do is curtail your artistry!
5) Please include your name/pen name with your writing: everyone should get proper credit!
6) This takes place after Nemesis: I'm going to make the assumption that another Enterprise will be built. This will be the NCC-1701-F, and as for the Voyager characters, VVS8/9 have not happened.
7) You can write from the standpoint of any character.
"I Think I'll Keep You"
Dana Katherine Scully:
Jean-Luc Picard walked onto the bridge of the new Enterprise F. Since he had taken command of the Enterprise D those many years ago, it had felt like a merry-go-round of Enterprises: one right after another. He could swear that sometimes he felt dizzy! However, the one constant had been his crew. His senior officers especially had been a pillar of his life for 15 years, and when the Enterprise D had been destroyed, they all had moved with him to the Enterprise E. But now? He had lost his First Officer, his best friend, to the winds of change. And to make matters worse, he had lost a dear friend and trusted companion in the same gust: poof! The great Jean- Luc Picard stood slightly more stooped than before, his proud silhouette just a bit less distinct. "A man is no more than the people he surrounds himself with," he noted in his personal log.
Amid all of the turmoil caused by the departure of his friends, Jean-Luc found comfort in the strength of his strongest pillar: that of his dear friend Beverly. She had remained with him for many years, and he felt honoured to serve with such a fine officer and top-notch doctor. Although he'd never admit it, he also felt a bit more than honoured. "To be perfectly honest," he noted in his log, "I'm downright giddy that she's chosen to remain with me."
*
Standing in her new sickbay, Beverly Crusher was overwhelmed by the newness of it all. The technology was advancing so quickly she swore that some day it would trip over itself and they'd be pack to the days of the automobile and the "desktop computer" (if you could call it that). She quite imagined herself that way sometimes: moving from place to place so quickly that eventually she'd trip and fall flat on her face, and realize that she had no one left to pick her up. Wesley was following his own path, and Jack had left long ago. Jean-Luc was sweet, but he was so afraid of offending her or pushing her that he would only pick her up with her express consent! His tendency to repress his emotions made her both amused and angry, because she could ask him point-blank if he was feeling something she KNEW he was feeling, and he would blow her off. But there were those rare moments, moments when time seemed to stop short and all other creatures disappear, leaving them alone in the universe. Moments when he would make an off-hand remark that he thought revealed nothing, but told Beverly everything.
Occasionally, she would have dreams about him. She wondered with a sigh what Deanna would think about that. Would she laugh and say, "Beverly, it's an infatuation!" Or look her in the eye and ask her, "And did you two...you know...well...so?" (to which Beverly would have to nod). Beverly thought, however, that the most likely reaction she would get from her friend would be, "Beverly, why haven't you told him how much you're in love with him?" She would spin some tail about how she felt it was inappropriate. But in her heart, she was afraid. Afraid that his feelings were not as strong as hers, or that he was secretly in love with someone else, or that he was simply not attracted to her, or...or...
Or what, Beverly? she would then ask herself. The personal log entries that she had made regarding the subject were confused rants, Beverly "The Ice Queen" Crusher going through emotions like a newborn through baby clothes. One minute she was blushing, the next smiling, even tearing up a bit. One time she'd even gone to the holodeck and told the computer to program him up. She put them together in a small suite in a hotel in Paris, and spent nearly three hours dancing with his hologram. When she was called to the bridge, Beverly paused the program and stared hard at the hologram of Jean- Luc, trying to decide whether to save the program and admit her weakness for him, or to let it pass into oblivion and to save it only in her memory. After a long moment, she whispered, "I think I'll keep you." The paused hologram gave no reply, simply stared back into her eyes blankly.
And so her life continued, an endless cycle of unfulfilled longings and half wishes: dream-world fantasies and real life miseries. Does he even know?
*
"Captain's personal log, Stardate 34527.5. The Enterprise F is still in space dock and we are preparing for her new crewmembers to board before heading to the Neutral Zone to assist in concluding the Romulan peace talks. Meanwhile, my personal life has taken a turn for the worse. Dr. Crusher seems to have insinuated herself into my mind, and I can't seem to shake her image from my dreams. I've tried everything I can think of to make it stop, and my last resort may have to be a visit to sickbay. I cannot imagine what Beverly would think of me then.
"Today, she brought a tabby cat into my ready room, one that she's apparently adopted from the Starbase's museum. She plunked her down on my desk and said that she was the newest candidate for Ship's Conselour. I was shocked and a bit angry that she'd bring an animal into my ready room, but as I looked into that little cat's eyes I could swear she was reading my soul. By her silence she was almost pushing me to reveal everything to Beverly: to tell her everything about my feelings for her. I am still a bit shaky from the encounter, as it revealed so much about the inner workings of both of our minds. A little too much about me, I fear.
"There are times that I desperately wish that I knew her thoughts again. The feeling of truly connecting with her in such a way was incredible. To know the mind of another human being so well is to become a part of something greater than yourself. It is to become a part of a true 'us.' Unfortunately, during the last conversation I had with Beverly about the matter, she informed me point-blanc she did not wish to start that kind of relationship between us. At the time I thought, 'Well I've waited 20 years. What's another few?' But I've become restless: obsessive even. I see her everywhere, everything reminds me of her. I suppose I've always been a bit obsessive about things: I become extremely single-minded when I want something. I fear that is what is happening now. Good Lord I hope I can wait for her. End log entry."
He paused for a moment. "Computer delete previous log entry. Begin new."
"Captain's personal log, Stardate 34527.5. We are preparing to receive our new crewmembers before departing space dock, including my new First Officer. Afterward we will report to the Romulan Neutral Zone to continue to assist in the peace talks. I am a bit nervous about our reception with our former enemies, but I am hopeful that the talks will pan out well. It will also give the crew a chance to visit with our former First Officer and Conselour."
*
"Chief Medical Officer Beverly Crusher, personal log. Stardate 34527.5. I am in the midst of 'acclimating' several new medical staff members to the Enterprise F, and to my expectations. They are an attentive group, and though they are young and inexperienced I'm sure they will learn very quickly.
"This past few days has been tiring for me, but I have a new family member to help relieve the strain. Her name is Miss Deanna (after my dear friend), and she is a tabby cat. She wandered into my quarters one day after apparently having escaped the "exotic Terran animals" display at the Space Dock's museum. I contacted the museum officials when I found her and they told me she had been nothing but a pain since the day they'd found her. I told them that I would be happy to remove their pain from their hands. The communication ended right after they told me they were more than happy to give me the cat. I looked her right in her inquisitive green eyes and said, "I think I'll keep you, Miss Deanna." She cocked her head at me, and at that moment I swore she could read my soul. Incredible how you can find a human personality in an animal.
"I was so struck by Miss Deanna's little foray into empathic perception that I decided to formally introduce her to Jean-Luc. I marched onto the bridge holding the cat one day, and was told by a very flustered Lieutenant that the Captain was in his ready room. I 'rang the bell' and heard his familiar 'Come.' The doors slid open, and I held the cat in front of me.
"The look on Jean-Luc's face was priceless. He went from shock to anger to amusement in the space of a few seconds. 'Beverly, what the devil are you doing with an animal in my ready room!?' he boomed, attempting to sound imposing. I laughed. 'Jean-Luc, I think you should consider this little tabby cat a candidate for ship's conselour.' Jean-Luc looked extremely confused. I put the cat down on his desk and let her look him right in the eye for a few moments. At first he was shocked that I would be so presumptuous as to place a tabby cat on his desk! But after a moment, he took notice of Miss Deanna's penetrating stare and was fascinated by the power she had over him. I picked her back up after a few moments, and stroked her until she purred. 'Isn't she just perfect for the spot Jean- Luc? Incapable of any form of speech, and yet with a stare she can look into your soul and help you to do the same.' I wish I could see into his soul as I fear he does into mine.
"Our subsequent discussion was fascinating, an intellectual feast of ideas about sentience, psychology, and a myriad of little remarks that made me shiver with delight. I hope I did not reveal too much of my feelings for him: I fear he does not reciprocate them.
"Well, Miss Deanna seems to be a bit hungry. We've transferred the Enterprise D's replicator memory files from ship to ship, so I can still request some of Data's concoctions for Spot. Poor Spot. After we lost Data, he seemed to waste away to nothing. He died two weeks ago, and we all got together one last time to bid both of them goodbye. It was one of the saddest moments of my life. Data's death hit us all very hard. But that is a story for another day. End log entry."
*
Beverly Crusher had a mission. She was going to whip these new cadets into shape if it killed her. She was a hard worker and expected the same of her staff, and it irked her to see the young Starfleet cadets that had been put under her command hanging around in Ten Forward until the second before they were due to go on duty in sickbay. What if there was an emergency? What if the ship suddenly came under attack? These were dangerous times: the Federation and the Romulan Empire were involved in peace talks but there were more than a few citizens of each group who would never be used to the idea. Both organizations faced a constant threat of rebellion, and despite all of her efforts to keep politics out of sickbay, the Enterprise's crew was distracted, and it showed.
In her office in sickbay, Beverly had set up a little corner for Miss Deanna, whose presence she found to be a soothing reminder of her old friend. The Enterprise would never be the same without all of them: Data, Will, Deanna. She knew the other senior officers were feeling it too: Geordi kept coming into sickbay, complaining of a headache, and then would spend as much time as he could talking about Data and the "good old days." Beverly would have to kick him out when a crewmember in real need of medical attention came in, but the truth was that she really wanted to talk just as much as he did. The senior staff's morale was beyond low; it didn't take an empath to see that. The new conselour was a lovely woman, but she didn't have Deanna's abilities and she was often at a loss to help people who missed her.
While Beverly mulled over absent friends, Jean-Luc himself walked purposefully into sickbay. "Beverly, I need to speak with you," he said, all business. Jean-Luc was fairing much worse than she expected with all of the changes in the crew. He would never tell her the extent of it, but she knew that he was distracted and upset. Beverly followed him into her office and shut the door behind them.
"What is it Jean-Luc," she asked gently.
The captain seemed to catch his breath. "I need your advice," he said finally. "It's a personal matter."
"Anything Jean-Luc you know that," Beverly replied, inviting him to sit. She herself took the seat behind her desk, putting a bit of space between them.
Jean-Luc seemed to be searching for something. Finally he stuttered, "Beverly I have a...a problem...of a...um...a personal nature."
Beverly was intrigued, to say the least. He never ceases to surprise me, she thought. "Yes?"
"Ever since...since my nephew died, I've been thinking about the sum of my life: what I'll leave behind. When I met Shinzon I was appalled at how evil he had become: how I could have become had my circumstances been different. I want to find a way to repair the damage that I myself have done."
"Captain," Beverly gasped. "Shinzon was not you! He may have had your DNA but he was most certainly not you, and you should not be held responsible for his actions."
"Shouldn't I?" Jean-Luc replied. "I wonder. I was the one who tried to teach him about humanity, instead of destroying him when I could have. I made the wrong choice, and someone of my same family line (because Beverly he was of my family line) caused irreparable harm and even death." He paused for a few moments. "If I were to...to have a child, Beverly. If I were to raise a child with...with someone whom I loved...and...and trusted. Could I not repair the mistakes that Shinzon made?"
Beverly was stunned. "I...Jean-Luc I simply...I simply don't know what to say. I wish I knew your thoughts," she said. "If you're thinking what I think you're thinking..."
Jean-Luc became agitated, interrupting with, "Beverly, if you had the chance to have another child would you?"
"Jean-Luc what are you asking me?"
"Simply if you would take the chance to have another child if you could."
"Well, I honestly can't say."
Jean-Luc sighed heavily. "I'm sorry Doctor: I shouldn't have interrupted your work. I'll be on the bridge." The captain suddenly looked ten years older. He pushed himself out of his chair and walked slowly out of sickbay, Beverly calling after him.
When he did not come back, Beverly left sickbay in the care of Nurse Ogawa and went to Holodeck 4. "Computer run program Crusher 10."
She entered the holodeck and saw her virtual Jean-Luc standing solemnly where she left him. "Hello Jean-Luc," she whispered. "Run program."
The hologram turned to look at her. Eyebrows arched in typical Jean-Luc fashion, he said to her, "I think I'll keep you."
*
Admiral Janeway stood looking out of the large window in her quarters. It felt good to be back in space again: ever since Voyager had arrived home, she'd been somewhat less than happy on Earth. It had been nice to have a break from the adventures of Voyager, but she felt compelled to go back into that vast unknown that she had helped to discover a bit more of. The Family was all on board for the maiden voyage of the newest Enterprise: that had been Kathryn's first priority when she was promoted to Admiral a month after Voyager's return (after the hearings were over). She knew her family was restless: the children were ready to leave the nest again. Well, most of them.
Tom and B'Elanna had settled in to a new home in San Francisco, and they were reluctant to leave because their daughter was so young, but the couple agreed that they'd rather not miss the opportunity to bring the family together again, even if they were only Starfleet observers on the Enterprise. The rest of Voyager's crew had agreed, right down to the last few Maquis who were still unsure about being around Starfleet.
Upon their return to Earth, Harry had been promoted to Lieutenant, and he was enjoying every minute of it. It felt good, he said, to be known as something a little more...noble than 'Ensign'. Admiral Janeway had agreed and shook his hand firmly.
Janeway the Starfleet Admiral was thrilled to be onboard the Enterprise. She wanted to catch up with Captain Picard, study Voyager's extensive database and make some sense of it, and above all, she wanted to prove that she was worthy of her rank. Kathryn Janeway the woman, on the other hand, was less than content.
Commander Chakotay had become more and more distant since his marriage to Seven. He kept himself isolated from The Family, as did Seven. When she did see them together, they were both sad and distant. She knew that she shouldn't be so quick to judge their marriage, but she couldn't help thinking that it just wasn't right. The two of them had strenuously resisted her invitation to join The Family onboard the Enterprise F, but her famous iron will had brought her and Chakotay to such an argument that he had no choice but to come. He was still angry with her, but not nearly as much as Seven. Kathryn knew Seven sensed that she was skeptical of the relationship. Chakotay was over-protective of his wife, not allowing her much freedom at all for fear that she'd be injured. She in her turn become insanely jealous if he so much as looked at another woman, so much so that she'd actually locked him into the house for a week so that he could look at no one but her. Her returning human emotions were overpowering her sensibilities. Kathryn knew that with the right kind of help, Seven could recover, but Chakotay's spiteful retorts to her insane inquiries did not help matters one bit.
Though she would never admit it to herself, Kathryn believed that she could have been the one for Chakotay. She still dreamed about him, about how he was on Voyager. She would wake up crying after dreams of him being torn from her embrace by some sort of black monster, his face turning cold and indifferent to her suffering. Some nights were better than others though. Sometimes she would vividly recall their days together on New Earth, and her mind would alter the course of events so that she told him everything: all the thoughts and feelings that she was keeping to herself during those days. Of course they were only dreams, but dreams were the gateway to her unconscious. Without them, she'd go crazy trying to repress her thoughts.
The door chimed, pulling her from her reverie. "Come in!" she called, turning to face the door.
The door slid open, and Jean-Luc Picard stood facing her. "Admiral Janeway. It's good to see you. How is your crew settling in?"
"The Family's all right," she replied in her husky voice, smiling at Jean- Luc's momentary confusion at her mention of a "family". "I've been meaning to tell you Jean-Luc. Commander Chakotay is an amateur archeologist who is very interested in meeting you." At least he was, she thought. "I think he would appreciate it very much if you would contact him about his interests. He made some fascinating discoveries in the Delta Quadrant."
Jean-Luc smiled appreciatively at Admiral Janeway. "Thank you, I'll make it a point to do so." He paused for a moment, and Janeway wondered what else was on his mind. Finally he said, "As you know, we've been assigned to assist with the peace talks with the Romulans. With your level of diplomatic experience Admiral, I was hoping that you would assist us in our peace talks. As you know, the Romulans have heard about Voyager's incredible journey through the Delta Quadrant, and they have a lot of respect for you and your crew. Your help would be greatly appreciated."
Janeway tipped her head to the side in her characteristic gesture of self- confidence. "Have no fear Jean-Luc. I knew you had an ulterior motive when you allowed us to come along. I've already begun to read up on your adventures with the Romulans." She smirked at him good-naturedly: their old friendship was being rekindled. It was a nice feeling. Real friends are hard to come by lately, she thought, not without a touch of malice. She quickly chased the thought from her mind: jailing it behind the tritanium walls she had taught herself to build around her emotions.
"Thank you very much Admiral. And now I have a lady to attend to," he quipped. "Ms. Enterprise F is quite the task master. I've already had to reprogram the replicators again: we're now trying to recover all of the lost holodeck data from the earlier Enterprise."
"How is the recovery progressing?" the Admiral asked, a little too enthusiastically. "I could give you a hand if you like: sitting behind that Admiral's desk becomes quite a bore after a while."
Jean-Luc smiled. "I'm glad you find it so stimulating."
Janeway gave him her patented false-exasperation face, and they headed toward engineering.
*
Chakotay watched his wife Seven of Nine pace anxiously through their quarters as she thought about his question. Standing around still made her crazy: she hadn't quite recovered from her Borg-driven quest for perfect efficiency. Frankly, it drove her husband nuts. It had been fine when they were dating: he even found it pathetically attractive. He had married Seven because he felt she needed him to care for her. What he hadn't anticipated, however, was how she could turn that quest for perfection into an insane obsession, more paranoia rather, with the suspicion that he was cheating on her.
Once, about a month after they had moved into their new home, she had locked him in the house for a week in a rage after she'd seen him talking to a young ensign at Starfleet Medical Research. The poor young woman simply needed the encouragement of a superior officer: she'd become discouraged after a particularly bad day. Chakotay had merely told her that not every day would be like today. He had given her a smile, then turned and walked away. Unfortunately, Seven had been standing at the end of the corridor.
"How dare you!!!" she half whispered, her voice sharp and cold.
Chakotay tried to stay calm. "Honey, I was merely offering the young woman some words of encouragement: she's had a rough day and..."
"You would leave me for a child?!" Seven screamed. She threw the PADD that she was working on at him, then (apparently deciding that that wasn't good enough) she threw herself at him. "I don't believe you!" she yelled, fists pounding mercilessly against his body.
Chakotay tried to take her into his embrace, but she would have none of it. "Seven, please calm down. Seven please." he pleaded, trying to ignore the stares of co-workers and the warnings of security guards.
"Ma'am, get off of him please," one of the guards called out firmly.
"No, no, it's all right," Chakotay shouted as he began to subdue her. "Honey come on," he whispered to the now weeping woman in his arms. "Let me get you home."
Long story short, when they had arrived at the house, Chakotay had been relieved that Seven appeared to have worn her self out and was sleeping peacefully. He picked her up and carried her inside, tenderly laying her down on their bed. He then lay down next to her and wrapped himself around her back, wondering sadly about what had happened to the ideal woman he thought he'd married. When he'd awoken the next morning, Seven was gone and he could not find a way out of their home. She had left taunting, accusatory notes all around the house, even changed his access codes so that he couldn't escape from the prison they'd built for themselves.
Seven's rage had taken its toll on her efficiency however: she'd forgotten to disable communications. Chakotay had called Kathryn at Starfleet HQ as soon as he knew what was going on. She was his lifeline for the next hellish week. She talked him out of suicide, out of hating Seven, out of hating himself. She'd helped him to find the reasons that he'd married Seven in the first place, though he knew it gave her great pain to do so. He'd loved her for so long that he'd made himself forget about it: he'd forced himself to reconcile his feelings for Kathryn with the fact that he knew she'd never openly return his affections. That's when he'd convinced himself he was in love with Seven. But of course he didn't tell Kathryn that.
Ironically, after that week, he and Kathryn had drifted apart. He was afraid that Seven would find out about their intimate conversations: to this day he wasn't sure if she had. He'd deleted the communications from the logs, but that certainly wouldn't be enough to stop his wife. He was also terrified of his feelings: it frightened him that after so many years of repressing love for Kathryn, it could come flaming back up like an out of control bonfire in his heart.
And now he was on the same ship with Kathryn, breathing the same air again. The feeling was as terrifying as it was intoxicating. In contrast, he was also trapped inside his quarters with a wife who had become increasingly violent and unstable. He had pledged his life to her, and he would not give up on her, but it meant that he had to resign himself to a less than desirable existence for the duration of their time together. He only hoped Kathryn would wait for him.
"So what do you think Seven?" he asked her gently. "Do you think we can make it?"
Seven looked him dead in the eye, her eyes blazing with defiance. The love that she had felt so strongly at the beginning of their marriage was growing dimmer by the day, but she was stubborn and refused to give up on their contract. The feeling of possessing him so completely made her feel powerful again, as if she were still home in the Collective. When he strayed from her, she had the power to contain him: punish him. When he pleased her, she could extract even more from him by acting as though he would never be sufficient. He was so gentle with her too: she could manipulate that as well.
There were moments when she stopped to take stock and realized that she was not acting on the basis of human love at all, but out of lust and need. Then she would hurry on about her life, willing herself to forget that and to convince herself that love governed all of her actions. She had not had any contact with Admiral Janeway since she was promoted: the fact that she was on this mission at all was a tribute to the Admirals stubbornness and unwillingness to see her slip into madness. It also spoke to her determination to let Seven know that she was loved, though through the cynical fog that clouded her vision Seven could see none of this. All she wanted was to keep Chakotay for her own. "I think I'll keep you," she replied.