Chapter 5: Suspicions and Lies
The cool air slowly calmed Harry's strung nerves as he aimlessly wandered the fields and woods surrounding the Weasley's property. By the time he had circled back around to the house it was with shame that is footsteps had slowed to a dull shuffle. He had shown them weakness! Fear! How could he face them again? They would almost certainly question his earlier behavior- and there was no suitable lie to explain it all away. But he couldn't just leave- not now, after having left so abruptly, so rudely. The Weasley family had been so kind to him- he owned them at least some sort of explanation, even though the never demanded anything of him. Why they didn't take what he owed them the same way Uncle Vernon always he did he could not understand, but he was glad for it all the same. This double life, double standard confused him to no end. His aunt and uncle loved him, that's what Uncle Vernon always said. They had only tried to protect him by not telling him his true identity, they had taken him in when he was just a baby, even though his aunt at least knew the danger he presented, he had been fed and clothed and housed, at least enough to survive. What else could he expect? He had no right, no reason, to complain.
The door to the Weasley's house was slightly ajar, and a gentle push widened the gap enough for Harry to slip his slight frame through. The house was strangely silent, devoid of the usually boisterous activity that marked the Weasley family. A slight murmur drew him to the family room, the flickering light pulling him closer. Peering around the corner, he froze. A small congregation gathered by the fireplace quieted its hushed discussion as Harry's presence was noticed. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, Ron, Ginny, Hermione, even Bill. An uncomfortable silence fell over the group, Harry shifting anxiously, any reserves to tell the truth about what had happened rapidly evaporating as he was somehow unable to back away. Ron finally broke the silence, shifting uncomfortably.
"I'm sorry Harry. I didn't mean to scare you like that. See, mom was making you a surprise cake for a party for us all going back to school and since you were the only one who still didn't know she wanted it to be a surprise and Bill and Charlie are only here for a few days and wanted to celebrate with us even though we don't go back to school for awhile yet and I forgot all about it and I just thought it would be funny, you know, to shut you in the closet-"
"Ron," Harry interrupted. "It's okay. Really. I'm just...just a little claustrophobic is all. And I got scared. I didn't mean to freak like that." I'm lying, he added silently. God I can't tell you but please know that I'm lying. Forcing a fake smile onto his face, Harry tried his best to be convincing while his heart sank as their faces slowly lost their concern. Ron and Hermione were the only ones who still looked at him with any suspicion, but they hesitated to speak up.
"Okay guys, I'm a bit tired. Would it be all right if I went upstairs and took a nap? It's been a long day." At that moment, Harry wanted nothing more than to be alone. With the Weasley's he had hoped to find refuge, not only from his uncle, but from himself as well. Now it seemed hopeless- if, even here with people he honestly felt cared about him, he still wanted to hurt himself—kill himself—then he would never get better. There was no point. The cutting kept him from taking it too far, as long as he did not do so while he was angry. It kept it manageable, for the most part. And right now, Harry needed that control. He had come so close to telling...what kind of ungrateful brat was he? After all they had done for him...he almost gave them up! Uncle Vernon was right, he deserved every hit he received, in fact, his foster family was merciful for not punishing him more.
Without waiting for much of an answer, Harry turned and hurried up the stairs. His heart sank as he heard footsteps behind him- the clumping of heavy boots sounding Ron's presence muffling the quicker, lighter steps of Hermione. Harry sighed. He would have to be careful- his friends knew him better than the rest of the Weasleys and were more apt to spot a lie. Hurrying into his room, Harry had the door half shut before Ron pushed it open. He and Hermione stood at the entrance, looking at Harry reproachfully.
"You lied," Ron state flatly, getting straight to the point. "You lied when you said you were fine." Hermione glared at her red-headed friend and sat down on the floor, pulling Harry and Ron down with her.
"Ron's right, Harry. You were not being honest with the Weasleys. It's not that hard to tell, you know. When you lie you get this distant look in your eyes. Anyway, Harry, you can tell us. We're friends, right?" Harry glanced at her and sighed. He didn't want to hurt her feelings- but he couldn't tell her the truth.
"Of course we're friends Hermione. I'm just a little tired is all. Really, there's nothing wrong. Like I said, I want to take a nap. Can you guys just please leave me alone now?"
Hermione looked at him suspiciously. Suddenly, She leaned across the gap, hand raised and brought her arm down sharply toward his head. Unconsciously, Harry dropped, covering his head and curling his body around itself. There was no contact. Harry looked up, Hermione's hand now lay in her lap. She looked at him, knowingly.
"Harry, stop it. Please. Who hurt you?" Her voice was soft and quiet, never accusing. Harry wanted to trust her, wanted to tell everything that happened. Every part of his body screamed at his throat to work, to tell how much it hurt, how scared he was. But he couldn't. His eyes stared up at his friend pleadingly. He wanted her to just know, what use was it being a witch unless you could read minds? Slowly, ever so slowly, she reached out to him. Closing his eyes, Harry willed himself not to pull away, not to cringe as her finger brushed the top of his head.
His voice cracking, Harry finally spoke, "I'm so sorry. But I can't. I just...can't. Ron...Hermione...I'm so sorry guys. I don't mean to be bad like this. I don't mean to hurt you too. Please forgive me." Pulling himself to his feet, Harry jerked away from Hermione. Ron grabbed at his shirt hem in protest, and Harry leapt backwards, shoving Ron's hand away.
"Go okay? You don't know what you guys are talking about! Just leave me the hell alone!"
The cool air slowly calmed Harry's strung nerves as he aimlessly wandered the fields and woods surrounding the Weasley's property. By the time he had circled back around to the house it was with shame that is footsteps had slowed to a dull shuffle. He had shown them weakness! Fear! How could he face them again? They would almost certainly question his earlier behavior- and there was no suitable lie to explain it all away. But he couldn't just leave- not now, after having left so abruptly, so rudely. The Weasley family had been so kind to him- he owned them at least some sort of explanation, even though the never demanded anything of him. Why they didn't take what he owed them the same way Uncle Vernon always he did he could not understand, but he was glad for it all the same. This double life, double standard confused him to no end. His aunt and uncle loved him, that's what Uncle Vernon always said. They had only tried to protect him by not telling him his true identity, they had taken him in when he was just a baby, even though his aunt at least knew the danger he presented, he had been fed and clothed and housed, at least enough to survive. What else could he expect? He had no right, no reason, to complain.
The door to the Weasley's house was slightly ajar, and a gentle push widened the gap enough for Harry to slip his slight frame through. The house was strangely silent, devoid of the usually boisterous activity that marked the Weasley family. A slight murmur drew him to the family room, the flickering light pulling him closer. Peering around the corner, he froze. A small congregation gathered by the fireplace quieted its hushed discussion as Harry's presence was noticed. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, Ron, Ginny, Hermione, even Bill. An uncomfortable silence fell over the group, Harry shifting anxiously, any reserves to tell the truth about what had happened rapidly evaporating as he was somehow unable to back away. Ron finally broke the silence, shifting uncomfortably.
"I'm sorry Harry. I didn't mean to scare you like that. See, mom was making you a surprise cake for a party for us all going back to school and since you were the only one who still didn't know she wanted it to be a surprise and Bill and Charlie are only here for a few days and wanted to celebrate with us even though we don't go back to school for awhile yet and I forgot all about it and I just thought it would be funny, you know, to shut you in the closet-"
"Ron," Harry interrupted. "It's okay. Really. I'm just...just a little claustrophobic is all. And I got scared. I didn't mean to freak like that." I'm lying, he added silently. God I can't tell you but please know that I'm lying. Forcing a fake smile onto his face, Harry tried his best to be convincing while his heart sank as their faces slowly lost their concern. Ron and Hermione were the only ones who still looked at him with any suspicion, but they hesitated to speak up.
"Okay guys, I'm a bit tired. Would it be all right if I went upstairs and took a nap? It's been a long day." At that moment, Harry wanted nothing more than to be alone. With the Weasley's he had hoped to find refuge, not only from his uncle, but from himself as well. Now it seemed hopeless- if, even here with people he honestly felt cared about him, he still wanted to hurt himself—kill himself—then he would never get better. There was no point. The cutting kept him from taking it too far, as long as he did not do so while he was angry. It kept it manageable, for the most part. And right now, Harry needed that control. He had come so close to telling...what kind of ungrateful brat was he? After all they had done for him...he almost gave them up! Uncle Vernon was right, he deserved every hit he received, in fact, his foster family was merciful for not punishing him more.
Without waiting for much of an answer, Harry turned and hurried up the stairs. His heart sank as he heard footsteps behind him- the clumping of heavy boots sounding Ron's presence muffling the quicker, lighter steps of Hermione. Harry sighed. He would have to be careful- his friends knew him better than the rest of the Weasleys and were more apt to spot a lie. Hurrying into his room, Harry had the door half shut before Ron pushed it open. He and Hermione stood at the entrance, looking at Harry reproachfully.
"You lied," Ron state flatly, getting straight to the point. "You lied when you said you were fine." Hermione glared at her red-headed friend and sat down on the floor, pulling Harry and Ron down with her.
"Ron's right, Harry. You were not being honest with the Weasleys. It's not that hard to tell, you know. When you lie you get this distant look in your eyes. Anyway, Harry, you can tell us. We're friends, right?" Harry glanced at her and sighed. He didn't want to hurt her feelings- but he couldn't tell her the truth.
"Of course we're friends Hermione. I'm just a little tired is all. Really, there's nothing wrong. Like I said, I want to take a nap. Can you guys just please leave me alone now?"
Hermione looked at him suspiciously. Suddenly, She leaned across the gap, hand raised and brought her arm down sharply toward his head. Unconsciously, Harry dropped, covering his head and curling his body around itself. There was no contact. Harry looked up, Hermione's hand now lay in her lap. She looked at him, knowingly.
"Harry, stop it. Please. Who hurt you?" Her voice was soft and quiet, never accusing. Harry wanted to trust her, wanted to tell everything that happened. Every part of his body screamed at his throat to work, to tell how much it hurt, how scared he was. But he couldn't. His eyes stared up at his friend pleadingly. He wanted her to just know, what use was it being a witch unless you could read minds? Slowly, ever so slowly, she reached out to him. Closing his eyes, Harry willed himself not to pull away, not to cringe as her finger brushed the top of his head.
His voice cracking, Harry finally spoke, "I'm so sorry. But I can't. I just...can't. Ron...Hermione...I'm so sorry guys. I don't mean to be bad like this. I don't mean to hurt you too. Please forgive me." Pulling himself to his feet, Harry jerked away from Hermione. Ron grabbed at his shirt hem in protest, and Harry leapt backwards, shoving Ron's hand away.
"Go okay? You don't know what you guys are talking about! Just leave me the hell alone!"