CHAPTER II:
Spike startled out of his thoughts when he noticed he'd driven the point of his pencil almost through the paper. He sighed and grimaced. He got up from the chair and checked the barricades. A bunch of furniture tied to the doors of Angel's office. Still pretty sturdy. It would hold for a while. And there was no sound. Guess they weren't coming yet then. Regrouping, or waiting for night, or whatever it is these things are ruled by.
He turned to look at that damn thing this all started with. The amulet. Nothing but trouble from day one. Sure he'd closed the Hellmouth with it, but that had only started a whole new slew of crap for him. It was all a mess. All just big powers moving pawns over the chessboard. He was so tired of feeling like that. Now it turned out the thing affected reality itself and whole legions of buggers were after it. As soon as Angel and his gang had realized what the amulet was, what it could do and where it came from, they contacted the other gang in Europe. Major trouble.
Then Angel and Wesley and basically all the rest had gone out to find this old scroll..and all hell had broken loose here at the office. Like they'd known when the time was ripe. None of the building's protective spells had meant a thing to them. Just waltzed through it all, slaughtering everyone. Hell, if he hadn't stayed behind they'd already have the damn thing. Just luck. Yeah.
He returned to the desk and sat down. He looked at the damaged paper and sighed. That wouldn't do. He tore it off the pad and tossed it crumpled into a corner. On the fresh sheet underneath it he wrote "Hello Luv.."
Right.
Now onward. He sighed again. Yeah, it was that period. Got him all tense and had him pin the last letter attempt to the desk. That period. Just after she'd come back. It hurt the most to think about. More than the sexual encounters of the months that followed. Even more than the memories of her beating him to a pulp, calling him every foul name in the book.
Even more than the heart-wrenching memory of her squirming underneath him, repeating his name over and over and saying 'please', and 'no' a lot.
God, can you actually feel your heart break?
All of that was too much to bear, but that period shortly after her death was different. That one wasn't about guilt he could never get past. No it was because even though he knew she'd been traumatized by her stay in a heaven dimension and subsequent return to earth, there was never a time he had been closer to her, or on better terms. Never a better chance to actually..be with her.
Because underneath it all, she'd enjoyed his company. She'd come to his crypt and they'd talk, and have a drink. And she would even tease and smile a bit. Superficially but still.. Now after remembering her eyes just before HE died, thinking back on that period stung the most, because there could have been something. Had things gone slightly different maybe.
Or maybe not. He'd never know. But the doubt was searing. God he'd been such an idiot. First 'date' he got her on, he played poker! He'd slapped his head later on. She'd called him lame and she was right. Of course, she also said he was the only one she could even stand to be around and that felt good. And made him feel more like an idiot.
But it didn't last, those times. He got more frustrated because she started using him as a safety net against boredom and being with her friends. And then she'd started using him as 'physical therapy'. Which had felt great while it lasted. It felt like his dreams coming true. There was no way he could not go for that feeling. To touch her, taste her...But the downside was that the more physical they got, the crappier she started treating him emotionally again. The tiny, gentle bond they'd formed got tossed out the window. She hadn't been so nasty to him since they'd been enemies. She was reacting to her trauma and her dark side had come out. And she hated herself for it and took it out on him.
And he'd known it all. But it wasn't possible to say no to her. And he started hoping that this dark side of her, this side that liked dark things and kinky and perverse sex, this side that neither Angel or Riley had ever seen would be the key to ALL of her. And he started focusing on it. Trying to stimulate it. Another stupid mistake. She had that dark side, sure, but it would never be the key to the rest of her. It was only a small part. And trying to push it only made her associate it with him more and more. Until she'd had enough and told him it was all over. She was nice about it. She admitted she wanted him in that hated purely physical way. She apologized for using him for her own benefit. And destroyed him with the gentle way she called him 'William'.
It was all he could do not to burst into tears on the spot.
And then that whole business with Anya. Ah well, that was drunken stupidity on the rebound. Or TRYING to be on the rebound. Of course it had other terrible consequences. He had believed her earlier when it was over, but he didn't want to let himself know that. And Anya was a way to feel, to try and feel that there could be life after Buffy. Of course in retrospect, it had actually felt more like there would never be life after Buffy.
And worse of all, she'd been hurt by it. And not worse because she was hurt, but because of what that meant! "Didn't take long, did it," she'd said. And the pain and the jealousy was obvious. Jealousy! And he started hoping and believing again. It was maybe the strongest indication he'd ever had. And of course the little Bit had to rub it in. It had been obvious to her that seeing him with Anya had really hurt her big sis. So there he went again. Was there something? A spark? Anything?? Please?
So he'd gone to talk....which had not gone well....
In the end at least it got him his soul back. But no longer a monster without a conscience, life wasn't the same. The views on life and love and right and wrong restored in his shattered mind were not, could not ever be the same as before. She didn't love him and he now felt he didn't deserve her love.
He returned to Sunnydale and who knows..she could have helped him and have learned to see him as a man. But the First Evil had gotten hold of him as he was weak and almost insane. His shattered mind was brainwashed and by the time he saw her again it was all messed up. And by the time that got worked out, and she actually was helping him, and he was free of the First's grip on him...well, all was messed up again because now they were all going to die. Again.
Never a break.
But there had been moments when they touched, when their eyes would meet, and he would feel it..she cared for him. He'd been everything from mortal enemy to lover, but now for the first time they were friends. She believed in him, trusted him, even defended him against the Scoobies. And they shared some genuinely intimate moments that he would carry with him till he died. Moments that were more than friendship. And once before the final battle it had actually been her to start a talk about acknowledging that those moments were important, that they'd meant so much to her and that they shouldn't just shrug it off. That they needed to talk about their feelings.
And then of course he'd hesitated, she'd wavered, he'd been at a loss and she chickened out. All of which could have been a start...
He grunted. There we go again. Woulda, coulda, shoulda...no good. Pointless. Not what he should say. Not what he wanted to say.
*COUGH*...n-not going too well...e-eh, sport?"
Spike looked up like he'd been struck by lightning. "Lorne! Damn, you nearly gave me a heart attack!" He paused. "Well, if my heart was still beating...How're you feeling mate?"
Lorne looked up from the couch. "Like a ...*cough* bunch of shadowy looking demons with claws and ...hooves did the lambada on my head and ribcage for the past day or so..."
Spike smirked a bit. "That about covers it. Coulda been worse though. They could've been doing the Macarena." Lorne's shot him a look and mouth formed soundless mock-laughter as Spike walked over to the couch. "Bandages holding?"
Lorne nodded and grimaced. "Think so. Not that it matters much, unless our broody boss and teammates come through in time."
Spike got up and scowled. "Forehead's not MY boss."
Lorne raised his hand in a weak wave. "Sorry. My bad."
Spike still had a slight scowl on his face, but shrugged. "Yeah well, way I figure, we probably got both gangs out there right now, and if the two former Watcher boys managed to not yap each other to death, they could be coming through any moment."
Lorne looked at him "Which you're not really expecting."
Spike shrugged again. "They got a good track record with that whole cavalry thing but they gotta botch it sooner or later."
"Very inspiring," Lorne mused with a bit of a frown. Spike grinned. "Yeah well, not like I'm Wolfram & Hart's bloody motivational speaker am I? I call it as I see it."
"That what you're doing at the desk then, cupcake?" Lorne said with a knowing look.
Spike looked back. "What..do you.I don't.."
Lorne lent forward a little and said "You were humming."
"Humming? Was I..? I don't." Spike frowned. Then understanding dawned on his face.
"Oh..Right."
TBC
Spike startled out of his thoughts when he noticed he'd driven the point of his pencil almost through the paper. He sighed and grimaced. He got up from the chair and checked the barricades. A bunch of furniture tied to the doors of Angel's office. Still pretty sturdy. It would hold for a while. And there was no sound. Guess they weren't coming yet then. Regrouping, or waiting for night, or whatever it is these things are ruled by.
He turned to look at that damn thing this all started with. The amulet. Nothing but trouble from day one. Sure he'd closed the Hellmouth with it, but that had only started a whole new slew of crap for him. It was all a mess. All just big powers moving pawns over the chessboard. He was so tired of feeling like that. Now it turned out the thing affected reality itself and whole legions of buggers were after it. As soon as Angel and his gang had realized what the amulet was, what it could do and where it came from, they contacted the other gang in Europe. Major trouble.
Then Angel and Wesley and basically all the rest had gone out to find this old scroll..and all hell had broken loose here at the office. Like they'd known when the time was ripe. None of the building's protective spells had meant a thing to them. Just waltzed through it all, slaughtering everyone. Hell, if he hadn't stayed behind they'd already have the damn thing. Just luck. Yeah.
He returned to the desk and sat down. He looked at the damaged paper and sighed. That wouldn't do. He tore it off the pad and tossed it crumpled into a corner. On the fresh sheet underneath it he wrote "Hello Luv.."
Right.
Now onward. He sighed again. Yeah, it was that period. Got him all tense and had him pin the last letter attempt to the desk. That period. Just after she'd come back. It hurt the most to think about. More than the sexual encounters of the months that followed. Even more than the memories of her beating him to a pulp, calling him every foul name in the book.
Even more than the heart-wrenching memory of her squirming underneath him, repeating his name over and over and saying 'please', and 'no' a lot.
God, can you actually feel your heart break?
All of that was too much to bear, but that period shortly after her death was different. That one wasn't about guilt he could never get past. No it was because even though he knew she'd been traumatized by her stay in a heaven dimension and subsequent return to earth, there was never a time he had been closer to her, or on better terms. Never a better chance to actually..be with her.
Because underneath it all, she'd enjoyed his company. She'd come to his crypt and they'd talk, and have a drink. And she would even tease and smile a bit. Superficially but still.. Now after remembering her eyes just before HE died, thinking back on that period stung the most, because there could have been something. Had things gone slightly different maybe.
Or maybe not. He'd never know. But the doubt was searing. God he'd been such an idiot. First 'date' he got her on, he played poker! He'd slapped his head later on. She'd called him lame and she was right. Of course, she also said he was the only one she could even stand to be around and that felt good. And made him feel more like an idiot.
But it didn't last, those times. He got more frustrated because she started using him as a safety net against boredom and being with her friends. And then she'd started using him as 'physical therapy'. Which had felt great while it lasted. It felt like his dreams coming true. There was no way he could not go for that feeling. To touch her, taste her...But the downside was that the more physical they got, the crappier she started treating him emotionally again. The tiny, gentle bond they'd formed got tossed out the window. She hadn't been so nasty to him since they'd been enemies. She was reacting to her trauma and her dark side had come out. And she hated herself for it and took it out on him.
And he'd known it all. But it wasn't possible to say no to her. And he started hoping that this dark side of her, this side that liked dark things and kinky and perverse sex, this side that neither Angel or Riley had ever seen would be the key to ALL of her. And he started focusing on it. Trying to stimulate it. Another stupid mistake. She had that dark side, sure, but it would never be the key to the rest of her. It was only a small part. And trying to push it only made her associate it with him more and more. Until she'd had enough and told him it was all over. She was nice about it. She admitted she wanted him in that hated purely physical way. She apologized for using him for her own benefit. And destroyed him with the gentle way she called him 'William'.
It was all he could do not to burst into tears on the spot.
And then that whole business with Anya. Ah well, that was drunken stupidity on the rebound. Or TRYING to be on the rebound. Of course it had other terrible consequences. He had believed her earlier when it was over, but he didn't want to let himself know that. And Anya was a way to feel, to try and feel that there could be life after Buffy. Of course in retrospect, it had actually felt more like there would never be life after Buffy.
And worse of all, she'd been hurt by it. And not worse because she was hurt, but because of what that meant! "Didn't take long, did it," she'd said. And the pain and the jealousy was obvious. Jealousy! And he started hoping and believing again. It was maybe the strongest indication he'd ever had. And of course the little Bit had to rub it in. It had been obvious to her that seeing him with Anya had really hurt her big sis. So there he went again. Was there something? A spark? Anything?? Please?
So he'd gone to talk....which had not gone well....
In the end at least it got him his soul back. But no longer a monster without a conscience, life wasn't the same. The views on life and love and right and wrong restored in his shattered mind were not, could not ever be the same as before. She didn't love him and he now felt he didn't deserve her love.
He returned to Sunnydale and who knows..she could have helped him and have learned to see him as a man. But the First Evil had gotten hold of him as he was weak and almost insane. His shattered mind was brainwashed and by the time he saw her again it was all messed up. And by the time that got worked out, and she actually was helping him, and he was free of the First's grip on him...well, all was messed up again because now they were all going to die. Again.
Never a break.
But there had been moments when they touched, when their eyes would meet, and he would feel it..she cared for him. He'd been everything from mortal enemy to lover, but now for the first time they were friends. She believed in him, trusted him, even defended him against the Scoobies. And they shared some genuinely intimate moments that he would carry with him till he died. Moments that were more than friendship. And once before the final battle it had actually been her to start a talk about acknowledging that those moments were important, that they'd meant so much to her and that they shouldn't just shrug it off. That they needed to talk about their feelings.
And then of course he'd hesitated, she'd wavered, he'd been at a loss and she chickened out. All of which could have been a start...
He grunted. There we go again. Woulda, coulda, shoulda...no good. Pointless. Not what he should say. Not what he wanted to say.
*COUGH*...n-not going too well...e-eh, sport?"
Spike looked up like he'd been struck by lightning. "Lorne! Damn, you nearly gave me a heart attack!" He paused. "Well, if my heart was still beating...How're you feeling mate?"
Lorne looked up from the couch. "Like a ...*cough* bunch of shadowy looking demons with claws and ...hooves did the lambada on my head and ribcage for the past day or so..."
Spike smirked a bit. "That about covers it. Coulda been worse though. They could've been doing the Macarena." Lorne's shot him a look and mouth formed soundless mock-laughter as Spike walked over to the couch. "Bandages holding?"
Lorne nodded and grimaced. "Think so. Not that it matters much, unless our broody boss and teammates come through in time."
Spike got up and scowled. "Forehead's not MY boss."
Lorne raised his hand in a weak wave. "Sorry. My bad."
Spike still had a slight scowl on his face, but shrugged. "Yeah well, way I figure, we probably got both gangs out there right now, and if the two former Watcher boys managed to not yap each other to death, they could be coming through any moment."
Lorne looked at him "Which you're not really expecting."
Spike shrugged again. "They got a good track record with that whole cavalry thing but they gotta botch it sooner or later."
"Very inspiring," Lorne mused with a bit of a frown. Spike grinned. "Yeah well, not like I'm Wolfram & Hart's bloody motivational speaker am I? I call it as I see it."
"That what you're doing at the desk then, cupcake?" Lorne said with a knowing look.
Spike looked back. "What..do you.I don't.."
Lorne lent forward a little and said "You were humming."
"Humming? Was I..? I don't." Spike frowned. Then understanding dawned on his face.
"Oh..Right."
TBC