Like Dying a Little
CHAPTER IV:
Spike sighed. "Dimensional disaster looming. Yeah.....well, been there too..... That why those legions of the dark and smelly want this thing?"
Lorne nodded. "Few people knew what it really can do, and only utilized a tiny portion of it's potential. Like when it was activated to close the Hellmouth."
"How do you suddenly know all this?" Spike asked.
"I saw a big upcoming fork in the road of your destiny, and it's closely connected to it. Has been ever since you died with it."
Spike looked at it, suppressing a curse. "Alright," he said with a slightly tired tone. "What's the decision I gotta make then? Gotta burn up again? I take it main point is to make sure those buggers outside aren't going to get it."
Lorne nodded again. "You can fight, but you'll be overwhelmed. And help is not arriving before you have to make the choice. Your only other option is....."
Lorne stopped and looked at the amulet with an expectant look. Spike frowned again. "What?"
"Should be about now...." Lorne said softly. And as if on cue, the amulet started glowing brightly. Spike involuntarily took a step back. The amulet floated up a little and swayed in a tiny pattern, hovering a foot above the desk. As it did, tiny tears in the air around them in the room appeared.
"Oh bugger!" Spike said, with a slight element of fear in his voice. "What's causing this then? Did we do something?"
"No," Lorne said, "It was vague and hard to read but I think our friends outside are doing something. They've figured out the amulet is the key, and they've managed a spell to make their way back into the building, activating the amulet to use it like a catalyst, a point of focus and power for the spell."
"Well....." Spike hesitated. "That's good then, right?"
"Yes and no. It's working but they shouldn't have done it, because action is reaction and this is playing with fire in dimensional-rift-terms."
"Great!" Spike mumbled, staring at the amulet, and the multiple rifts that were now all over the room, all getting bigger, slowly but surer."
"So another apocalypse with dimensional crap! Those usually don't end well. What do I do? What's the choice I gotta make?"
Lorne spoke softly. "Walk closer to it...."
Spike hesitated and looked at Lorne like he was nuts. The Pylean demon only looked at him with a grave, calm look. Spike swallowed and took a few small steps closer to the hovering object. As he did, some fissures seemed to start disappearing. "Huh...!" Spike whispered and walked all the way up to the amulet. As he did, one fissure seemed to get bigger and bigger while all the others shrunk into nothingness.
Spike was now right in front of the jewel and slowly reached out his hands to it. Before he touched he turned to look at Lorne, who only stared intently now. Spike gently grabbed the amulet, and the light shone less brightly. All fissures were gone, except for the last larger one, which was about 6 feet in height and 3 feet in width. It hung in the air as I pulsed and vibrated, bright light still emanating from it.
Spike stared in it and said calmly, yet with a slight tremor in his voice. "Ok.....could really use some of that great advice now, mate."
Lorne swallowed. "You're linked to it. You're like an anchor for it, giving it.....a focus I guess, like when you wore it in the Hellmouth. It's still activated but at least it's not ripping up reality on 50 different levels now......just one gate opened and it's stable from the looks of it."
"So what now?" Spike said, kind of impatiently. Lorne was starting to sound like Wesley, and he was not in the mood for theorizing, even though it confirmed his own feelings. Lorne looked at the barricaded door. "They'll be coming now. Probably sensing it being activated."
"Don't suppose I'm now all-powerful and can just turn'em to dust with a wave of my hand?"
"No, if you stay, they'll kill you and take the amulet." Lorne said.
"If I STAY......?" Spike said, turning around. "You mean I have to...." He nodded towards the portal. Lorne nodded. "That's the choice I was talking about, lamb chop. It will close the portal, free this building and take the amulet out of the grasp of those unpleasant smelly guys out there....and whoever they work for."
Spike looked at the portal and swallowed. He remembered Buffy jumping into a similar portal, dying to save her sister and the rest of the world. The portal had led to a Hell dimension. He remembered himself dying in the Hellmouth. He remembered Pavayne opening a portal to a hell for him.......
"What's.........what's gonna happen to me? Will I.....will I just die? For good this time? Or am I jumping straight into....into....."
Lorne shook his head. "I don't know. I really don't. Could be both, could be neither. For all I know you're jumping straight into an Elysian garden filled with vestal virgins just dying to feed you grapes. It could lead anywhere."
"Figures," Spike grunted.
"Could be you'll go....anywhere, everywhere. If you really manage to hold onto it, provided you're not turned to dust this time, you could work like an anchor and give it direction. Maybe you'll be able to go traveling through all kinds of dimensions.....worlds......"
Spike laughed. "Or maybe I'll just go poof."
"Or maybe you'll just go poof." Lorne sighed. "Look, I know this is tough, but....." Spike shook his head. "Been there already. And....well, I talk tough, but ever since I got my soul back.....well, when push comes to shove....."
"You do the right thing." Lorne said softly.
"Was gonna say 'the stupid thing' actually, but....." Spike laughed, then stopped as he looked at the barricaded door. He frowned and whispered. "I can hear them coming." Lorne swallowed. He didn't hear anything yet as he looked at the door again, but he knew vampires had ears you could rely on. Spike turned to him again. "What about you mate? If I'm going....." He nodded towards the door. Lorne shrugged and tried to smile. "Oh that's okay. That whole 'being alive' thing was getting old anyway."
Spike smiled and nodded. "Well, we're both buggered no matter what, right?" Lorne smiled back. "At least I met all my idols since we moved here......" They fell silent for a second. Then the sounds of growling, and hundreds of claws scraping over the floor, walls and ceiling of the hallways of Wolfram & Hart became clear enough so that Lorne could hear it now too.
Spike looked at the letter he was still holding in his hand. He thought of her. So close, yet so far.....what else is new. He calmly walked over to Lorne and gave him the letter. "Well just in case you do make it, could you give this to her?"
Lorne nodded and took the envelope. "Sure. And if I don't make it, which is a little higher on the 'likely-scale', they're sure to find it on the green hamburger with my clothes on that they'll find here." He tried to smile again. Spike did as well. "You know for a guy who dresses like a lounge singer, you ain't so bad sometimes, mate." He started to turn around but then caught himself. "Say......that song you quoted.....just curious....whose is it?"
"Guy named Leonard Cohen." Lorne grinned. "You'd like him. He's a poet."
Spike let the joke go past him. "Huh! I know him. Not my usual bag, but.....well..."
Lorne looked at him questioningly. Spike shrugged. "Well, in our quieter moments....Dru and me.....well, she liked him. He had these vague cryptic poetic lyrics sometimes......they made complete sense to her o' course. Saw all kindsa stuff in them. Like he was talking straight to her from the speakers......I stole some albums for her....in our quieter moments we'd listen.....Weird." Lorne just smiled. Music as a touchstone between the most unlikely people and most unimaginable moments was not exactly an unknown notion for him.
"Well...." Spike said as he recollected himself. "Better dash then." He looked at Lorne and for a second all smirk and sarcasm left him.
".....thanks......y'know."
Their eyes locked and they nodded in a moment of mutual respect and complete understanding of the situation they both found themselves in. "You're welcome." Lorne said. Spike nodded. Then turned around to face the fissure.
He looked into it's light and swallowed. And he thought of her. Again. At any important moment she came to him in his head. He thought of her touch, her smell, her hair. The feel of her skin. The sound of her voice.
He savored his memories for a moment, even the bad ones. What was it again? '......and by that honor, had your own restored.' Bloody right. She'd saved him. Loving her had saved him. And he knew in his heart beforehand he'd had no chance. He'd even said it to Captain America. 'Really think you got a chance?' . 'No not really, but a fella's gotta try. Gotta do what he can.' It was true. And he had. He hadn't had a choice anyway, he felt what he felt and had to act on it. No matter how hopeless, or stupid. And he was at peace with it.
He remembered it all, the good things, the bad things.......the hopelessness that had driven him nearly mad at the time and the hope that actual had. The bleakness of the realization she didn't really love him and the frustration of the knowledge she could have. He remembered it all and accepted it. Embraced it.
And suddenly he was almost glad that he'd never seen her since his resurrection. His last moment with her was when she held his hand, and where they touched flames had sprung up. She held his hand while hell crumbled around them.......can't beat that.
He remembered. And thought of Lorne's words. And his letter. Then he looked up, as tears burned in his eyes and something strong and harsh gripped his throat. Yeah.....he knew what he was trying to say to her. Needed to say to her. And he'd written it, but perhaps.....perhaps he still needed to actually say it.
He looked into the light of the portal and felt the tears leave his eyes and stream down his cheeks. And when he spoke, it was little more than a whisper:
"Goodbye, Buffy............"
Then he took a step forward.
TBC
CHAPTER IV:
Spike sighed. "Dimensional disaster looming. Yeah.....well, been there too..... That why those legions of the dark and smelly want this thing?"
Lorne nodded. "Few people knew what it really can do, and only utilized a tiny portion of it's potential. Like when it was activated to close the Hellmouth."
"How do you suddenly know all this?" Spike asked.
"I saw a big upcoming fork in the road of your destiny, and it's closely connected to it. Has been ever since you died with it."
Spike looked at it, suppressing a curse. "Alright," he said with a slightly tired tone. "What's the decision I gotta make then? Gotta burn up again? I take it main point is to make sure those buggers outside aren't going to get it."
Lorne nodded again. "You can fight, but you'll be overwhelmed. And help is not arriving before you have to make the choice. Your only other option is....."
Lorne stopped and looked at the amulet with an expectant look. Spike frowned again. "What?"
"Should be about now...." Lorne said softly. And as if on cue, the amulet started glowing brightly. Spike involuntarily took a step back. The amulet floated up a little and swayed in a tiny pattern, hovering a foot above the desk. As it did, tiny tears in the air around them in the room appeared.
"Oh bugger!" Spike said, with a slight element of fear in his voice. "What's causing this then? Did we do something?"
"No," Lorne said, "It was vague and hard to read but I think our friends outside are doing something. They've figured out the amulet is the key, and they've managed a spell to make their way back into the building, activating the amulet to use it like a catalyst, a point of focus and power for the spell."
"Well....." Spike hesitated. "That's good then, right?"
"Yes and no. It's working but they shouldn't have done it, because action is reaction and this is playing with fire in dimensional-rift-terms."
"Great!" Spike mumbled, staring at the amulet, and the multiple rifts that were now all over the room, all getting bigger, slowly but surer."
"So another apocalypse with dimensional crap! Those usually don't end well. What do I do? What's the choice I gotta make?"
Lorne spoke softly. "Walk closer to it...."
Spike hesitated and looked at Lorne like he was nuts. The Pylean demon only looked at him with a grave, calm look. Spike swallowed and took a few small steps closer to the hovering object. As he did, some fissures seemed to start disappearing. "Huh...!" Spike whispered and walked all the way up to the amulet. As he did, one fissure seemed to get bigger and bigger while all the others shrunk into nothingness.
Spike was now right in front of the jewel and slowly reached out his hands to it. Before he touched he turned to look at Lorne, who only stared intently now. Spike gently grabbed the amulet, and the light shone less brightly. All fissures were gone, except for the last larger one, which was about 6 feet in height and 3 feet in width. It hung in the air as I pulsed and vibrated, bright light still emanating from it.
Spike stared in it and said calmly, yet with a slight tremor in his voice. "Ok.....could really use some of that great advice now, mate."
Lorne swallowed. "You're linked to it. You're like an anchor for it, giving it.....a focus I guess, like when you wore it in the Hellmouth. It's still activated but at least it's not ripping up reality on 50 different levels now......just one gate opened and it's stable from the looks of it."
"So what now?" Spike said, kind of impatiently. Lorne was starting to sound like Wesley, and he was not in the mood for theorizing, even though it confirmed his own feelings. Lorne looked at the barricaded door. "They'll be coming now. Probably sensing it being activated."
"Don't suppose I'm now all-powerful and can just turn'em to dust with a wave of my hand?"
"No, if you stay, they'll kill you and take the amulet." Lorne said.
"If I STAY......?" Spike said, turning around. "You mean I have to...." He nodded towards the portal. Lorne nodded. "That's the choice I was talking about, lamb chop. It will close the portal, free this building and take the amulet out of the grasp of those unpleasant smelly guys out there....and whoever they work for."
Spike looked at the portal and swallowed. He remembered Buffy jumping into a similar portal, dying to save her sister and the rest of the world. The portal had led to a Hell dimension. He remembered himself dying in the Hellmouth. He remembered Pavayne opening a portal to a hell for him.......
"What's.........what's gonna happen to me? Will I.....will I just die? For good this time? Or am I jumping straight into....into....."
Lorne shook his head. "I don't know. I really don't. Could be both, could be neither. For all I know you're jumping straight into an Elysian garden filled with vestal virgins just dying to feed you grapes. It could lead anywhere."
"Figures," Spike grunted.
"Could be you'll go....anywhere, everywhere. If you really manage to hold onto it, provided you're not turned to dust this time, you could work like an anchor and give it direction. Maybe you'll be able to go traveling through all kinds of dimensions.....worlds......"
Spike laughed. "Or maybe I'll just go poof."
"Or maybe you'll just go poof." Lorne sighed. "Look, I know this is tough, but....." Spike shook his head. "Been there already. And....well, I talk tough, but ever since I got my soul back.....well, when push comes to shove....."
"You do the right thing." Lorne said softly.
"Was gonna say 'the stupid thing' actually, but....." Spike laughed, then stopped as he looked at the barricaded door. He frowned and whispered. "I can hear them coming." Lorne swallowed. He didn't hear anything yet as he looked at the door again, but he knew vampires had ears you could rely on. Spike turned to him again. "What about you mate? If I'm going....." He nodded towards the door. Lorne shrugged and tried to smile. "Oh that's okay. That whole 'being alive' thing was getting old anyway."
Spike smiled and nodded. "Well, we're both buggered no matter what, right?" Lorne smiled back. "At least I met all my idols since we moved here......" They fell silent for a second. Then the sounds of growling, and hundreds of claws scraping over the floor, walls and ceiling of the hallways of Wolfram & Hart became clear enough so that Lorne could hear it now too.
Spike looked at the letter he was still holding in his hand. He thought of her. So close, yet so far.....what else is new. He calmly walked over to Lorne and gave him the letter. "Well just in case you do make it, could you give this to her?"
Lorne nodded and took the envelope. "Sure. And if I don't make it, which is a little higher on the 'likely-scale', they're sure to find it on the green hamburger with my clothes on that they'll find here." He tried to smile again. Spike did as well. "You know for a guy who dresses like a lounge singer, you ain't so bad sometimes, mate." He started to turn around but then caught himself. "Say......that song you quoted.....just curious....whose is it?"
"Guy named Leonard Cohen." Lorne grinned. "You'd like him. He's a poet."
Spike let the joke go past him. "Huh! I know him. Not my usual bag, but.....well..."
Lorne looked at him questioningly. Spike shrugged. "Well, in our quieter moments....Dru and me.....well, she liked him. He had these vague cryptic poetic lyrics sometimes......they made complete sense to her o' course. Saw all kindsa stuff in them. Like he was talking straight to her from the speakers......I stole some albums for her....in our quieter moments we'd listen.....Weird." Lorne just smiled. Music as a touchstone between the most unlikely people and most unimaginable moments was not exactly an unknown notion for him.
"Well...." Spike said as he recollected himself. "Better dash then." He looked at Lorne and for a second all smirk and sarcasm left him.
".....thanks......y'know."
Their eyes locked and they nodded in a moment of mutual respect and complete understanding of the situation they both found themselves in. "You're welcome." Lorne said. Spike nodded. Then turned around to face the fissure.
He looked into it's light and swallowed. And he thought of her. Again. At any important moment she came to him in his head. He thought of her touch, her smell, her hair. The feel of her skin. The sound of her voice.
He savored his memories for a moment, even the bad ones. What was it again? '......and by that honor, had your own restored.' Bloody right. She'd saved him. Loving her had saved him. And he knew in his heart beforehand he'd had no chance. He'd even said it to Captain America. 'Really think you got a chance?' . 'No not really, but a fella's gotta try. Gotta do what he can.' It was true. And he had. He hadn't had a choice anyway, he felt what he felt and had to act on it. No matter how hopeless, or stupid. And he was at peace with it.
He remembered it all, the good things, the bad things.......the hopelessness that had driven him nearly mad at the time and the hope that actual had. The bleakness of the realization she didn't really love him and the frustration of the knowledge she could have. He remembered it all and accepted it. Embraced it.
And suddenly he was almost glad that he'd never seen her since his resurrection. His last moment with her was when she held his hand, and where they touched flames had sprung up. She held his hand while hell crumbled around them.......can't beat that.
He remembered. And thought of Lorne's words. And his letter. Then he looked up, as tears burned in his eyes and something strong and harsh gripped his throat. Yeah.....he knew what he was trying to say to her. Needed to say to her. And he'd written it, but perhaps.....perhaps he still needed to actually say it.
He looked into the light of the portal and felt the tears leave his eyes and stream down his cheeks. And when he spoke, it was little more than a whisper:
"Goodbye, Buffy............"
Then he took a step forward.
TBC