Stumble Into Grace- Chapter 7
-Angel-
I tack new pictures to my Buffy wall. If I actually had any visitors I'd be embarrassed for them to see this. It's long ago plunged into full fledged stalker territory. I've been here a week and a half. Herb gives me a new package of pictures every day. I still watch her, every day. I try to formulate all the ways I'm going to approach her. None of them seem right.
I haven't talked to Spike or Willow again. I know Willow is getting impatient though. It will only make things worse for me if she says anything. I glance out the window. The sun is just beginning to set. Buffy will be leaving for patrol in a little while. I take a deep breath. Putting my fate off won't change it, it will just make it harder to confront.
I stop by a florist and get her roses. It gives me something to do with my hands besides stuff them in my pockets I walk up the steps to her apartment building. I want to turn and run all the way back to Los Angeles. If she throws me out on my ass, I have no future. Without her, I never have. "Oh for God's sake stop being such a bloody wanker." I tell myself in my best Spike impression. I pose my hand above her apartment door to knock. My heart is beating so hard in my chest that I feel like it's going to explode. This being human thing is harder then it looks. I rap once on the door and silently hope that she's not home.
She opens it not even bothering to look up. "Spike, I told you-"Her eyes, gray eyes, meet mine. All the air leaves her body. All the air would leave mine too, but I can't breathe. "Angel,"
Oh God, she still says my name that way. I thought I could do this. I can't do this. I nod mutely and thrust the flowers out in front of me. She takes them. Her eyes glitter with awe, wonder, amazement and disbelief.
"Can I-I'd like to talk to you. Can I come in?" I don't need an invitation anymore. I know that, but I'm not going to barge into her apartment just because I can.
She nods mutely and steps to the side, pulling the door wide open. I step across the threshold. She closes the door behind her.
We stand there in her living room, staring at each other. Time has not made her any less beautiful. Willow is right though. She looks hard, cold. Her golden hair is pulled back in a severe bun. Her face is void of makeup and the dark circles under eyes are very apparent. There is a faint scar about her left eyebrow. Her eyes are a dark shade of gray I have never seen, probably because I'm best at turning and running when she's sad and in pain. I don't know what to say. I don't know where to start with her. I've messed things up so thoroughly in the past I don't know if I can ever make things right.
"I-uhm-what are you doing here? Wait, don't tell me the world is ending tomorrow and I have to stop it." Her voice is bitter and hard.
I exhale the breath I didn't realize I was holding. "No, Buffy, I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what, Angel?"
"Where do I start? I'm sorry for so many things and so many crimes I committed against you, I won't ever be through listing them. Let's just call it a blanket sorry." I say.
"Let's not. You want to apologize to me, start by listing every single fucking wrong you've done to me. Come on, you should be good at this self flagellation by now. You've had a long time to practice." She folds her arms across her chest. In that movement I can see a tiny bit of the girl I knew. She's guarding herself, drawing into herself, protecting herself. Anyone else might see it as an arrogant, cocky gesture. I know better.
"Alright then, I'm sorry that I wasted so much time when I first met you. I'm sorry I didn't declare my love for you earlier on. We had so few sweet times together. Maybe there could have been more if I hadn't drug my feet and been so hung up about the age difference between us. I'm sorry that the one night we had together didn't hold better memories. I'm sorry Angelus stalked your friends, you. I'm sorry he killed Jenny. I'm sorry that when I returned things were so hard, so difficult. I'm sorry I didn't work harder to make them right then. I'm sorry I made decisions for you, without consulting you. I'm sorry I let you sacrifice yourself to save me. I'm sorry I left you on Graduation day. I'm sorry I didn't keep in touch. I'm sorry I didn't tell you when I came to Sunnydale to watch your back. I'm sorry I let you go so easily when you came to confront me about it. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you died." My voice breaks. I take a deep breath and struggle for control. "I'm sorry that the happiest day of my life was that day they brought you back from Heaven. I'm sorry I let you go after that meeting. I'm sorry I never dropped by to see how you were doing. I'm sorry I let you fight the First on your own. I'm sorry I gave you that cock and bull story about the curse and not being able to give you all the things you deserved. But I will not now, or ever, apologize for loving you. You are the light in my darkness. Without the love we share-shared, my life wouldn't be worth living." I don't think I've said that much at once since I became human. I have new admiration for Fred and her run on sentences.
Buffy looks at me in stunned silence. She takes a deep breath. "Wow, that's a lot to be sorry for."
I chuckle. "That's just the highlights." I can't put it off any longer. It wouldn't be fair. "There's one more thing you need to know. I'm human."
I watch as the roses I got her slip from her hand and fall to the floor. She pales and I'm afraid she's going to faint. I step forward and grab her by the bicep. Her knees buckle and I'm tempted to pull her to me. I know that's not my right anymore. I help her over to the couch instead.
She places her hand on my chest. My heart aches. I still remember the last time she did that to feel my heart beat. Her eyes fill with tears. I see a flicker behind them and then like a dam breaking the love she feels for me rushes into her eyes. "H-how?" She asks.
"It's a reward from the Powers for saving the world a handful of times." I say with a smile, my first smile in regards to being human.
"Please don't-we still need to talk but I want to-"She gestures to my chest. "Can I just listen?"
Her question breaks my heart. I nod. I can't say anything. She leans in close to me. I take a deep breath of her. She still smells like mine. I want nothing more then to wrap myself around her and hold her there on the couch. I don't. I sit there with her head on my chest, just over my heart. I can feel her tears as they drip onto my thigh. She cries silently. I give up the struggle of fighting my own tears and let them fall. This is what I wanted to be human for. This and nothing more. I still want the wedding, the life, the kids, the everything with Buffy, but if all I get is this one moment of her listening to my heart beat, that will be enough to sustain me for the next 60 years.
-Angel-
I tack new pictures to my Buffy wall. If I actually had any visitors I'd be embarrassed for them to see this. It's long ago plunged into full fledged stalker territory. I've been here a week and a half. Herb gives me a new package of pictures every day. I still watch her, every day. I try to formulate all the ways I'm going to approach her. None of them seem right.
I haven't talked to Spike or Willow again. I know Willow is getting impatient though. It will only make things worse for me if she says anything. I glance out the window. The sun is just beginning to set. Buffy will be leaving for patrol in a little while. I take a deep breath. Putting my fate off won't change it, it will just make it harder to confront.
I stop by a florist and get her roses. It gives me something to do with my hands besides stuff them in my pockets I walk up the steps to her apartment building. I want to turn and run all the way back to Los Angeles. If she throws me out on my ass, I have no future. Without her, I never have. "Oh for God's sake stop being such a bloody wanker." I tell myself in my best Spike impression. I pose my hand above her apartment door to knock. My heart is beating so hard in my chest that I feel like it's going to explode. This being human thing is harder then it looks. I rap once on the door and silently hope that she's not home.
She opens it not even bothering to look up. "Spike, I told you-"Her eyes, gray eyes, meet mine. All the air leaves her body. All the air would leave mine too, but I can't breathe. "Angel,"
Oh God, she still says my name that way. I thought I could do this. I can't do this. I nod mutely and thrust the flowers out in front of me. She takes them. Her eyes glitter with awe, wonder, amazement and disbelief.
"Can I-I'd like to talk to you. Can I come in?" I don't need an invitation anymore. I know that, but I'm not going to barge into her apartment just because I can.
She nods mutely and steps to the side, pulling the door wide open. I step across the threshold. She closes the door behind her.
We stand there in her living room, staring at each other. Time has not made her any less beautiful. Willow is right though. She looks hard, cold. Her golden hair is pulled back in a severe bun. Her face is void of makeup and the dark circles under eyes are very apparent. There is a faint scar about her left eyebrow. Her eyes are a dark shade of gray I have never seen, probably because I'm best at turning and running when she's sad and in pain. I don't know what to say. I don't know where to start with her. I've messed things up so thoroughly in the past I don't know if I can ever make things right.
"I-uhm-what are you doing here? Wait, don't tell me the world is ending tomorrow and I have to stop it." Her voice is bitter and hard.
I exhale the breath I didn't realize I was holding. "No, Buffy, I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what, Angel?"
"Where do I start? I'm sorry for so many things and so many crimes I committed against you, I won't ever be through listing them. Let's just call it a blanket sorry." I say.
"Let's not. You want to apologize to me, start by listing every single fucking wrong you've done to me. Come on, you should be good at this self flagellation by now. You've had a long time to practice." She folds her arms across her chest. In that movement I can see a tiny bit of the girl I knew. She's guarding herself, drawing into herself, protecting herself. Anyone else might see it as an arrogant, cocky gesture. I know better.
"Alright then, I'm sorry that I wasted so much time when I first met you. I'm sorry I didn't declare my love for you earlier on. We had so few sweet times together. Maybe there could have been more if I hadn't drug my feet and been so hung up about the age difference between us. I'm sorry that the one night we had together didn't hold better memories. I'm sorry Angelus stalked your friends, you. I'm sorry he killed Jenny. I'm sorry that when I returned things were so hard, so difficult. I'm sorry I didn't work harder to make them right then. I'm sorry I made decisions for you, without consulting you. I'm sorry I let you sacrifice yourself to save me. I'm sorry I left you on Graduation day. I'm sorry I didn't keep in touch. I'm sorry I didn't tell you when I came to Sunnydale to watch your back. I'm sorry I let you go so easily when you came to confront me about it. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you died." My voice breaks. I take a deep breath and struggle for control. "I'm sorry that the happiest day of my life was that day they brought you back from Heaven. I'm sorry I let you go after that meeting. I'm sorry I never dropped by to see how you were doing. I'm sorry I let you fight the First on your own. I'm sorry I gave you that cock and bull story about the curse and not being able to give you all the things you deserved. But I will not now, or ever, apologize for loving you. You are the light in my darkness. Without the love we share-shared, my life wouldn't be worth living." I don't think I've said that much at once since I became human. I have new admiration for Fred and her run on sentences.
Buffy looks at me in stunned silence. She takes a deep breath. "Wow, that's a lot to be sorry for."
I chuckle. "That's just the highlights." I can't put it off any longer. It wouldn't be fair. "There's one more thing you need to know. I'm human."
I watch as the roses I got her slip from her hand and fall to the floor. She pales and I'm afraid she's going to faint. I step forward and grab her by the bicep. Her knees buckle and I'm tempted to pull her to me. I know that's not my right anymore. I help her over to the couch instead.
She places her hand on my chest. My heart aches. I still remember the last time she did that to feel my heart beat. Her eyes fill with tears. I see a flicker behind them and then like a dam breaking the love she feels for me rushes into her eyes. "H-how?" She asks.
"It's a reward from the Powers for saving the world a handful of times." I say with a smile, my first smile in regards to being human.
"Please don't-we still need to talk but I want to-"She gestures to my chest. "Can I just listen?"
Her question breaks my heart. I nod. I can't say anything. She leans in close to me. I take a deep breath of her. She still smells like mine. I want nothing more then to wrap myself around her and hold her there on the couch. I don't. I sit there with her head on my chest, just over my heart. I can feel her tears as they drip onto my thigh. She cries silently. I give up the struggle of fighting my own tears and let them fall. This is what I wanted to be human for. This and nothing more. I still want the wedding, the life, the kids, the everything with Buffy, but if all I get is this one moment of her listening to my heart beat, that will be enough to sustain me for the next 60 years.