Stumble Into Grace- Chapter 8
Pain is life-the sharper, the more evidence of life.
-Charles Lamb
-Buffy-
He's human. He's here. I'm listening to his heart beat. I can feel heat radiating off his body. His chest rises and falls with regular breaths, needed breaths. This isn't possible. It's not happening. I used to dream this. I stopped dreaming it after I came back from Heaven. I knew it wasn't possible, and yet. I want to sit here until I turn to stone and just listen to his heart beat. Eventually my tears stop their slow descent down my cheeks. I sniff, wipe at them and regretfully pull away from him. I wrap my arms around myself. I look down at the floor. I need to vacuum.
"So what now?" I finally ask. It's obvious he's not going to be the one to start the conversation. Not that he was ever Joe-heres-what-I'm- feeling anyway.
"I don't know, Buffy." Angel says. He caresses my name. I forgot how he did that.
"You don't know? You waltz in here and you're all I'm human and you don't know?" My tone sounds accusing.
He sighs and stands up. I always did inspire him to pace. "What do you want me to say Buffy? Do you want me to tell you that I want everything with you we could never have? That I want the picket fence house, the dog, the kids, the whole thing? Because I do. But here's the thing. I know I screwed up, maybe too many times. Maybe we can't fix us, there's so much history and so much pain. Maybe us is broken for good because of it. I know you've got a life here and I have no right to ask you to leave it or alter it in anyway. I'm not going to force myself into your life. "
"So now that you're human, you're good enough for me? Is that it? Maybe I'm not good enough for you anymore, Angel. You have no idea the life I live now. You don't know who I am or how far I've fallen from that naïve little girl you used to know." I say.
"I don't know who you are anymore, Buffy. I'd like to find out though." He says.
I can't do this. I can't go through this again. I will not survive Angel leaving me again. It's better if I shut it all off now, close up, don't let him in. "No."
I can't look at him. If I look at him I'll see the pain in his eyes, pain so great it fills up the room and crushes the air from my chest. If I look at him now I'll cave in and I don't want to do a re-run of Sunnydale. I'm so tired of Buffy, Angel and pain being synonyms.
"So that's it? It's over. You don't love me anymore and I should go back to LA." His voice is thick and choked.
"Don't you know, Angel? It's never over between us. The kind of love we have just goes on. No matter how much we hurt each other, no matter how far apart we are or how much time passes. Forever is the whole point with us, it always will be. That doesn't mean that we ever get to be together. We're like oil and water or something else that doesn't work when you put them together."
He chuckles. It's dry and harsh and sounds like something from the grave. "Have you ever tried to mix oil and water, Buffy? You're right, it doesn't mix but you get these beautiful rainbows."
Rainbows? When did Angel start talking or seeing rainbows? I turn to say something. He's walking out the door. I collapse on the floor. I can't even make it to my bed. I can't cry. I can't do anything but lie there on the floor and try to remember how to breathe.
*
-Spike-
"Slayer?" I call as I walk into her apartment. The smell of pain and tears washes over me. He was here. I don't have to ask. I know what she smells like after he's hurt her. She's lying on the floor in a sort of cationic state. Guess it's time to kill the pouf. I wonder if it's still considered killing your sire if said sire is human. I pick her up and carry her into her bedroom. I slide her pants off and tuck her under the blankets. I even turn that bloody electric mattress pad up like she likes it.
I go into the bathroom and get a washcloth. I soak it in cold water and carry it into the bedroom. I dab at her forehead and her cheeks. She barely blinks. The last time I saw her like this was when Niblet got kidnapped by Glory. I really hope I don't have to call Red over to go poking around in her brain again.
"Luv, you okay?" I ask.
She shakes her head and her face crumbles the way it used to just before she cried. There are no tears this time, just that pathetic face. I smooth a strand of hair off her forehead. I don't pull my hand back. Instead I run my fingers down the curve of her neck. I rest my hand there on the curve, where shoulder meets neck, where her pulse beats softly. She looks up at me and I don't think I've ever seen anything even remotely resembling the pain I see in her eyes. Oh yeah, I'm gonna kill the bugger and enjoy it. I'll rip him from bleedin limb to limb. Forget about scraps there won't even be that much left when I'm done with him.
"Angel, he's-"her voice is raw. I wait for her to finish. She can't.
"I know, Luv." I look deep into her eyes and a knife slices my insides to bits. This bloody champion shit sucks. "Listen, Luv, you do what you need to. I'll understand."
Being fucking burned alive hurt less then this.
*
-Angel-
I take down her pictures one by one. I've been doing this for hours, every since I left her apartment. I sit and stare at her pictures. She's not happy. I can tell, seeing her only confirmed that. But she doesn't want to try and be happy with me either. I can't say I blame her. I've hurt her to many times to count. I've told her I'd stay forever, and then in the next breath I walked away. Everything is different now, can't she see that? I'm human and she's not the only slayer. We could actually have something close to a normal life. She's not willing to risk the pain though. I'm done here. I didn't do what I set out to do, but she won't let me finish. I wanted to see if she was happy, if she wasn't I wanted to make her happy.
And what was that crap about we're never over? If we're never over then why the hell won't she try? I guess it's easier for her to live the half life she's got then to take the plunge and try for something that could be amazing. No pain no gain. God I must be lame, I'm quoting Nike commercials here.
You know, it doesn't matter. She made her decision. I promised I would respect that decision, let her make it. I'm going back to LA. I don't know why. I'm sure there are papers to sign or an evil client to help. She's moved on with her life, now I've got to move on with mine.
The door shatters under the impact. There goes my security deposit.
"Invite me in, Wanker." Spike is in full vamp face standing at my doorway snarling.
"Oh, that's right. I'm human now you need an invitation to come into my house." I stand with my hands in my pockets. I didn't bring weapons with me. It wasn't really a priority when I got here.
"Oh for God's sake, haven't you had it enough with the gloating. Invite me in." Spike says.
I sigh. "Come in." I grumble.
The next thing I know I'm flying across the living room. There's blood trickling from the corner of my mouth. I wipe at it and struggle to get up. I'm kicked in the ribs for my effort. I kick up to my feet. I may be human but I do have a little bit of prior fighting experience. I catch Spike in the jaw with a strong right hook. He staggers back. I get a jab to the kidneys before he turns on me again. He knocks me down with a roundhouse.
"Stay down, you blood Git. I've got a few things to say to you." He snarls.
I'm not normally one to take orders from Spike, but in my defense, being human and being beat on by a vamp, ow. I have new respect for Gunn, Wes and even Xander. I think the asshole cracked one of my ribs.
"I warned you not to hurt her. Do you know what she was like when I left her a few minutes ago? She was practically in a fucking coma. This is after hours of me coddling her and trying to get her to talk. I think she said 2 words and one of them was your name. I had to call Red because I don't trust her being there by herself." Spike is leaning over me, still in vamp face.
I shake my head. "I didn't mean to hurt her, Spike. I gave her the choice. I told her I love her and I told her I want everything. She sent me out the door." I'm wheezing. I grit my teeth.
"And what was she supposed to do, Peaches? Sign right up for another stay in the Heartbreak hotel? Have you ever caused her anything but pain? You know she thinks you'll make these empty promises and then dance out of here just like you have a hundred times. Buffy doesn't know anything but you leaving her. It's all you've ever shown her." Spike says.
"She doesn't want me around, Spike. How much clearer can I make that?" I shout at him.
"You always were more brawn then brains, Peaches. She wants to see if you'll stick. I'm sure she was a cold hearted bitch to you. I've seen that side of her many times. You know what you do? You take it like man, get knocked down and then get the hell back up. You're not playing with a little girl anymore, Angelus. She's a full grown woman and she plays dirty. Try having some stones and showing her you'll stick around when it gets hard and dirty." He backs off and reverts to his human face.
I stand up, trying not to favor my ribs in front of him. "Why are you telling me this? I'm walking out and leaving her all to you. I don't see what's in it for you if I stick around."
Spike shakes his head. "You still don't get it. I love her. I love her enough that I want to see her happy. And I know she doesn't love me. She never has and if we have until the end of forever to spend together, she never will. You're to much a part of her. You're in her soul, her blood, her heart. I tried to get you out. Nothing worked. If I thought killing you would help, I'd rip your bloody throat out right now. It won't. Hell, she killed you and it didn't help. Besides with your track record for dying, you'd just come back."
I chuckle I can't help it. "So what do you suggest we do, Spike?"
"I'm going to stick around a little longer. She needs someone to take care of her right now. I suggest you stick around even longer then me. Start up a fancy evil law firm out here in Cleveland. Show her she's worth more the pretty words and broken promises. Now I've got to get back to her, make sure she's okay."
He's gone before I can say anything else. I'd almost forgotten what having vampire speed is like. I sit down on the couch, my elbows on my knees, and I stare at my hands. This is great. I've sunk to a new low. I'm taking love advice from Spike.
Pain is life-the sharper, the more evidence of life.
-Charles Lamb
-Buffy-
He's human. He's here. I'm listening to his heart beat. I can feel heat radiating off his body. His chest rises and falls with regular breaths, needed breaths. This isn't possible. It's not happening. I used to dream this. I stopped dreaming it after I came back from Heaven. I knew it wasn't possible, and yet. I want to sit here until I turn to stone and just listen to his heart beat. Eventually my tears stop their slow descent down my cheeks. I sniff, wipe at them and regretfully pull away from him. I wrap my arms around myself. I look down at the floor. I need to vacuum.
"So what now?" I finally ask. It's obvious he's not going to be the one to start the conversation. Not that he was ever Joe-heres-what-I'm- feeling anyway.
"I don't know, Buffy." Angel says. He caresses my name. I forgot how he did that.
"You don't know? You waltz in here and you're all I'm human and you don't know?" My tone sounds accusing.
He sighs and stands up. I always did inspire him to pace. "What do you want me to say Buffy? Do you want me to tell you that I want everything with you we could never have? That I want the picket fence house, the dog, the kids, the whole thing? Because I do. But here's the thing. I know I screwed up, maybe too many times. Maybe we can't fix us, there's so much history and so much pain. Maybe us is broken for good because of it. I know you've got a life here and I have no right to ask you to leave it or alter it in anyway. I'm not going to force myself into your life. "
"So now that you're human, you're good enough for me? Is that it? Maybe I'm not good enough for you anymore, Angel. You have no idea the life I live now. You don't know who I am or how far I've fallen from that naïve little girl you used to know." I say.
"I don't know who you are anymore, Buffy. I'd like to find out though." He says.
I can't do this. I can't go through this again. I will not survive Angel leaving me again. It's better if I shut it all off now, close up, don't let him in. "No."
I can't look at him. If I look at him I'll see the pain in his eyes, pain so great it fills up the room and crushes the air from my chest. If I look at him now I'll cave in and I don't want to do a re-run of Sunnydale. I'm so tired of Buffy, Angel and pain being synonyms.
"So that's it? It's over. You don't love me anymore and I should go back to LA." His voice is thick and choked.
"Don't you know, Angel? It's never over between us. The kind of love we have just goes on. No matter how much we hurt each other, no matter how far apart we are or how much time passes. Forever is the whole point with us, it always will be. That doesn't mean that we ever get to be together. We're like oil and water or something else that doesn't work when you put them together."
He chuckles. It's dry and harsh and sounds like something from the grave. "Have you ever tried to mix oil and water, Buffy? You're right, it doesn't mix but you get these beautiful rainbows."
Rainbows? When did Angel start talking or seeing rainbows? I turn to say something. He's walking out the door. I collapse on the floor. I can't even make it to my bed. I can't cry. I can't do anything but lie there on the floor and try to remember how to breathe.
*
-Spike-
"Slayer?" I call as I walk into her apartment. The smell of pain and tears washes over me. He was here. I don't have to ask. I know what she smells like after he's hurt her. She's lying on the floor in a sort of cationic state. Guess it's time to kill the pouf. I wonder if it's still considered killing your sire if said sire is human. I pick her up and carry her into her bedroom. I slide her pants off and tuck her under the blankets. I even turn that bloody electric mattress pad up like she likes it.
I go into the bathroom and get a washcloth. I soak it in cold water and carry it into the bedroom. I dab at her forehead and her cheeks. She barely blinks. The last time I saw her like this was when Niblet got kidnapped by Glory. I really hope I don't have to call Red over to go poking around in her brain again.
"Luv, you okay?" I ask.
She shakes her head and her face crumbles the way it used to just before she cried. There are no tears this time, just that pathetic face. I smooth a strand of hair off her forehead. I don't pull my hand back. Instead I run my fingers down the curve of her neck. I rest my hand there on the curve, where shoulder meets neck, where her pulse beats softly. She looks up at me and I don't think I've ever seen anything even remotely resembling the pain I see in her eyes. Oh yeah, I'm gonna kill the bugger and enjoy it. I'll rip him from bleedin limb to limb. Forget about scraps there won't even be that much left when I'm done with him.
"Angel, he's-"her voice is raw. I wait for her to finish. She can't.
"I know, Luv." I look deep into her eyes and a knife slices my insides to bits. This bloody champion shit sucks. "Listen, Luv, you do what you need to. I'll understand."
Being fucking burned alive hurt less then this.
*
-Angel-
I take down her pictures one by one. I've been doing this for hours, every since I left her apartment. I sit and stare at her pictures. She's not happy. I can tell, seeing her only confirmed that. But she doesn't want to try and be happy with me either. I can't say I blame her. I've hurt her to many times to count. I've told her I'd stay forever, and then in the next breath I walked away. Everything is different now, can't she see that? I'm human and she's not the only slayer. We could actually have something close to a normal life. She's not willing to risk the pain though. I'm done here. I didn't do what I set out to do, but she won't let me finish. I wanted to see if she was happy, if she wasn't I wanted to make her happy.
And what was that crap about we're never over? If we're never over then why the hell won't she try? I guess it's easier for her to live the half life she's got then to take the plunge and try for something that could be amazing. No pain no gain. God I must be lame, I'm quoting Nike commercials here.
You know, it doesn't matter. She made her decision. I promised I would respect that decision, let her make it. I'm going back to LA. I don't know why. I'm sure there are papers to sign or an evil client to help. She's moved on with her life, now I've got to move on with mine.
The door shatters under the impact. There goes my security deposit.
"Invite me in, Wanker." Spike is in full vamp face standing at my doorway snarling.
"Oh, that's right. I'm human now you need an invitation to come into my house." I stand with my hands in my pockets. I didn't bring weapons with me. It wasn't really a priority when I got here.
"Oh for God's sake, haven't you had it enough with the gloating. Invite me in." Spike says.
I sigh. "Come in." I grumble.
The next thing I know I'm flying across the living room. There's blood trickling from the corner of my mouth. I wipe at it and struggle to get up. I'm kicked in the ribs for my effort. I kick up to my feet. I may be human but I do have a little bit of prior fighting experience. I catch Spike in the jaw with a strong right hook. He staggers back. I get a jab to the kidneys before he turns on me again. He knocks me down with a roundhouse.
"Stay down, you blood Git. I've got a few things to say to you." He snarls.
I'm not normally one to take orders from Spike, but in my defense, being human and being beat on by a vamp, ow. I have new respect for Gunn, Wes and even Xander. I think the asshole cracked one of my ribs.
"I warned you not to hurt her. Do you know what she was like when I left her a few minutes ago? She was practically in a fucking coma. This is after hours of me coddling her and trying to get her to talk. I think she said 2 words and one of them was your name. I had to call Red because I don't trust her being there by herself." Spike is leaning over me, still in vamp face.
I shake my head. "I didn't mean to hurt her, Spike. I gave her the choice. I told her I love her and I told her I want everything. She sent me out the door." I'm wheezing. I grit my teeth.
"And what was she supposed to do, Peaches? Sign right up for another stay in the Heartbreak hotel? Have you ever caused her anything but pain? You know she thinks you'll make these empty promises and then dance out of here just like you have a hundred times. Buffy doesn't know anything but you leaving her. It's all you've ever shown her." Spike says.
"She doesn't want me around, Spike. How much clearer can I make that?" I shout at him.
"You always were more brawn then brains, Peaches. She wants to see if you'll stick. I'm sure she was a cold hearted bitch to you. I've seen that side of her many times. You know what you do? You take it like man, get knocked down and then get the hell back up. You're not playing with a little girl anymore, Angelus. She's a full grown woman and she plays dirty. Try having some stones and showing her you'll stick around when it gets hard and dirty." He backs off and reverts to his human face.
I stand up, trying not to favor my ribs in front of him. "Why are you telling me this? I'm walking out and leaving her all to you. I don't see what's in it for you if I stick around."
Spike shakes his head. "You still don't get it. I love her. I love her enough that I want to see her happy. And I know she doesn't love me. She never has and if we have until the end of forever to spend together, she never will. You're to much a part of her. You're in her soul, her blood, her heart. I tried to get you out. Nothing worked. If I thought killing you would help, I'd rip your bloody throat out right now. It won't. Hell, she killed you and it didn't help. Besides with your track record for dying, you'd just come back."
I chuckle I can't help it. "So what do you suggest we do, Spike?"
"I'm going to stick around a little longer. She needs someone to take care of her right now. I suggest you stick around even longer then me. Start up a fancy evil law firm out here in Cleveland. Show her she's worth more the pretty words and broken promises. Now I've got to get back to her, make sure she's okay."
He's gone before I can say anything else. I'd almost forgotten what having vampire speed is like. I sit down on the couch, my elbows on my knees, and I stare at my hands. This is great. I've sunk to a new low. I'm taking love advice from Spike.