Stumble Into Grace-Chapter 9
A/N: Thanks to Ashley for her encouragement over this chapter. I was very scared to write Willow and I probably would have completely scraped the chapter without her and sat in a daze of writers block banging my head on the keyboard.
-Willow-
I sit down on the bed next to her. Spike warned me her condition was almost as bad as when Dawn was kidnapped. I didn't really think it was possible. Its times like this that I wish I had taken D'hofferyn up on his offer to become a vengeance demon.
"Hey, Buffy." I say. Her eyes flicker toward me. That's a good sign because before, with Dawn, she just stared straight ahead.
"I know Angel came to see you. I know he's human. It's sort of my fault he came to see you. I told him he needed to. I thought if he was here and never even said hello it would hurt you more. I wanted him to give you the chance to make a decision about your future, or lack of future, with him." I'm mostly talking to hear myself talk.
"Thanks, Will." Her voice is cracked and distant.
"Oh! Oh, you're here. I mean, I know you're here but Spike thought you were catatonic." I clasp my hands in my lap to keep from fluttering them around like butterflies.
Buffy shakes her head and sits up. "I don't know what I am, Will. I mean, I was, when Spike got here. I can't remember how to breathe, Will. It feels like I can't breathe." Her eyes well with tears. I don't remember the last time Buffy really cried. I reach out to pat her shoulder. That's all it takes. She crumbles under a flood of tears, pain and emotion she's held in for so long I thought she had forgotten how to feel. She puts her head in my lap and sobs. I bend over her and sob too. I forgot Buffy could cry like this. She aches so much that it fills the room and you can't help feel it too.
At some point I hear the apartment door open. I assume it's Spike. I hear it open and close again within minutes. He wants to give us girl time. Buffy and I both sob until there are no tears left. My throat aches. Her eyes are red and swollen. I retrieve a box of Kleenex for both of us. She blows her nose and sniffles. "Thanks Will, sorry to sort of lose it on you."
I shake my head. "No, you've had that coming for years, literally. I'm glad you finally let it go."
Buffy shrugs. "I don't think it helped. The answers aren't any easier now then they were before I made a sobbing snotty mess of us both."
"It's not about answers being easier, Buffy. And besides are the answers really that hard?" I ask.
"That depends on the questions." She says. She tears the tissue in her hand to little shreds.
"So what are the questions?" I ask softly.
"They are like those huge essay questions we use to have in Professor Walsh's psych class. I don't know what to do, Will. I want someone to come along and just tell me what choices to make, to straighten out my life." Buffy says.
"Well, then lets start with the easy questions. What do you want?" I ask.
Buffy bites her lip. She chuckles dryly. "Not an easy question. The things I want cancel each other out."
"Angel?" I ask.
She nods. "I've always wanted him, but he's not stable, he's not good for me. He hurts me, Will. I can't take anymore hurt, at least not from him. I can't just jump into something with him. We can't pick up where we left off in Sunnydale. And then there's Spike. I don't love him like I love Angel. I never have and I've never pretended too, but I do care. He's been good to me, more then good. He was there to pick up the pieces when Angel left. He was there when I came back from the dead. He saved the world and I've treated him like shit. He loves me and I've taken that and used him. So now I'm supposed to what, just dump him because Angel comes into town? I can't do that to him. That's worse then even what Parker did to me."
I chew on my bottom lip. "I'm not trying to be all selfish girl, but I really kind of thing this is a decision you have to make based on the things you want, and not what anyone else wants. No matter what you do, someone is going to get hurt, so you gotta try and focus on what you want and what's going to hurt you less."
Buffy sighs and flops back on the bed. "I want my life to be a movie, one of those old black and white ones. The choices aren't this hard in movies. It's all about happily ever after."
"Not true. Remember Casablanca?" I remind her.
"That's the one where the guy owns the bar and she gets on the plane and goes with the other guy, huh?"
I nod.
Buffy wrinkles her nose. "Ok so, a fairy tale. I want my life to be a fairy tale. The knight in shining armor always comes to save the Princess. He never leaves her so she'll be happy. She never has to worry about picking the wrong guy because the wrong guy is always vile and evil and the right guy is always noble, handsome and honorable, which resembles my life in no way."
"Want some hot cocoa?" I ask standing up.
"Oooo yes, with little marshmallows." Buffy stands up and follows me into the kitchen. She doesn't actually have hot cocoa in her kitchen. I brought some from home when Spike called me. It's an official comfort food.
*
-Buffy-
I sip hot cocoa and sit on the couch with Willow. We've got Casablanca in the DVD player. We've both seen it so many times we don't actually have to watch it. I can't remember the last time Will and I watched a movie together, or had a girl's night. Since I moved to Cleveland I've been all slay all the time. I've closed myself off. I don't let my friends in. I am so afraid of getting hurt again. I'm not sure when that happened. I've always been heart on my sleeve girl. Angel once told me that I held my heart out in front of me for the world to see, and it's true, only not anymore. I guard my heart. I put it behind this wall in a box and a big lock on the box.
"What do you think I should do, Will? Honest answers, no just telling me what you think I want to hear." I say.
"I think you should do what makes you happy." She says.
"What if I don't know what that is?" My voice sounds trembly.
"Then you find out."
*
Willow goes back to her house after many assurances from me that I'll be okay and I'll call if I need her, even if it's the middle of the night. She shouldn't have to spend the night away from her sweetie because I've gotten an attack of emotions and become clingy. Besides, I've got a lot of thinking to do and thinking is best done alone. I sit cross legged in the middle of the bed. I bend over and rest my forehead on the mattress in front of me.
A million thoughts and a million memories vie for attention inside my head. Willow's words keep coming back to me. What do you want? An easier question is what don't I want? I don't want to hurt Spike. He's been much too good to me. I don't to have to survive Angel leaving again. I don't want to live the rest of my life never feeling the way I felt the year I was sixteen.
And that leads me right back to Angel. It seems like since the day I met him, everything always circles around to him in some form or another. I honestly don't think I could be rid of Angel even if I tried. Somehow, for some reason he's a part of me and he always has been, since the day I was born until the day I die.
Opening myself back up to Angel is scary. He can hurt me in ways that no one else and nothing else can. He's like a great big dangerous wild cat, in more ways then one. He doesn't even realize it when he hurts me most of the time. And everything is always all or nothing with Angel and me. I know if I let myself get involved with him again I won't be able to do it with these walls that I've built to keep everyone else out. I'm not built that way, not when it comes to Angel. I wish I were. It would make things so much easier.
I sit up with a growl. . I'm just not gonna do a damn thing for now. I'm not going to let him hurt me. I'm not going to let him tear down my walls. I've always just accepted Angel back with open arms. I've trusted that our love will be enough and it's proven time and again, it's just not. There is one thing I know, though, I'm not going to push him away. I'm not going to tell him to go back to LA. I can't watch Angel leave me again.
*
-Angel-
I leave Buffy's apartment and walk into the first bar I can find. I sit far away from the mirror out of habit. I order an Irish whiskey. The point here is to get drunk, good and pissed so I don't have to think about Buffy giving up on us. I drain the whiskey quickly and motion to the bartender.
"Just give me the damn bottle." I growl. I still manage a pretty respectable growl for a human.
The bartender doesn't even glance twice at me. He just smacks the bottle down in front of me and leaves me alone. That's fine. It's exactly how I want to be and apparently how I'm supposed to spend the rest of this fucking human life I wanted so damn bad.
I know I hurt her. I know I hurt her so bad that I killed everything inside of her. The things I've done to Buffy in the name of her happiness rank right up there with murdering children, which I've also done. Go me. I've got a chance to make it better though and she won't let me. She's so drawn into herself, I don't know if anyone can get her back.
Several Irish whiskeys later I'm still trying to figure out exactly how I'm going to get her back. I rub at the spot just below my rib cage, a spot that still aches from time to time, the exact spot Buffy ran a sword through me to save the world. I drain my last whiskey and stand up slowly. I give the world a chance to stop spinning before I start walking back to my apartment. I came back from Hell for her. There's no way she's getting rid of me this easy.
A/N: Thanks to Ashley for her encouragement over this chapter. I was very scared to write Willow and I probably would have completely scraped the chapter without her and sat in a daze of writers block banging my head on the keyboard.
-Willow-
I sit down on the bed next to her. Spike warned me her condition was almost as bad as when Dawn was kidnapped. I didn't really think it was possible. Its times like this that I wish I had taken D'hofferyn up on his offer to become a vengeance demon.
"Hey, Buffy." I say. Her eyes flicker toward me. That's a good sign because before, with Dawn, she just stared straight ahead.
"I know Angel came to see you. I know he's human. It's sort of my fault he came to see you. I told him he needed to. I thought if he was here and never even said hello it would hurt you more. I wanted him to give you the chance to make a decision about your future, or lack of future, with him." I'm mostly talking to hear myself talk.
"Thanks, Will." Her voice is cracked and distant.
"Oh! Oh, you're here. I mean, I know you're here but Spike thought you were catatonic." I clasp my hands in my lap to keep from fluttering them around like butterflies.
Buffy shakes her head and sits up. "I don't know what I am, Will. I mean, I was, when Spike got here. I can't remember how to breathe, Will. It feels like I can't breathe." Her eyes well with tears. I don't remember the last time Buffy really cried. I reach out to pat her shoulder. That's all it takes. She crumbles under a flood of tears, pain and emotion she's held in for so long I thought she had forgotten how to feel. She puts her head in my lap and sobs. I bend over her and sob too. I forgot Buffy could cry like this. She aches so much that it fills the room and you can't help feel it too.
At some point I hear the apartment door open. I assume it's Spike. I hear it open and close again within minutes. He wants to give us girl time. Buffy and I both sob until there are no tears left. My throat aches. Her eyes are red and swollen. I retrieve a box of Kleenex for both of us. She blows her nose and sniffles. "Thanks Will, sorry to sort of lose it on you."
I shake my head. "No, you've had that coming for years, literally. I'm glad you finally let it go."
Buffy shrugs. "I don't think it helped. The answers aren't any easier now then they were before I made a sobbing snotty mess of us both."
"It's not about answers being easier, Buffy. And besides are the answers really that hard?" I ask.
"That depends on the questions." She says. She tears the tissue in her hand to little shreds.
"So what are the questions?" I ask softly.
"They are like those huge essay questions we use to have in Professor Walsh's psych class. I don't know what to do, Will. I want someone to come along and just tell me what choices to make, to straighten out my life." Buffy says.
"Well, then lets start with the easy questions. What do you want?" I ask.
Buffy bites her lip. She chuckles dryly. "Not an easy question. The things I want cancel each other out."
"Angel?" I ask.
She nods. "I've always wanted him, but he's not stable, he's not good for me. He hurts me, Will. I can't take anymore hurt, at least not from him. I can't just jump into something with him. We can't pick up where we left off in Sunnydale. And then there's Spike. I don't love him like I love Angel. I never have and I've never pretended too, but I do care. He's been good to me, more then good. He was there to pick up the pieces when Angel left. He was there when I came back from the dead. He saved the world and I've treated him like shit. He loves me and I've taken that and used him. So now I'm supposed to what, just dump him because Angel comes into town? I can't do that to him. That's worse then even what Parker did to me."
I chew on my bottom lip. "I'm not trying to be all selfish girl, but I really kind of thing this is a decision you have to make based on the things you want, and not what anyone else wants. No matter what you do, someone is going to get hurt, so you gotta try and focus on what you want and what's going to hurt you less."
Buffy sighs and flops back on the bed. "I want my life to be a movie, one of those old black and white ones. The choices aren't this hard in movies. It's all about happily ever after."
"Not true. Remember Casablanca?" I remind her.
"That's the one where the guy owns the bar and she gets on the plane and goes with the other guy, huh?"
I nod.
Buffy wrinkles her nose. "Ok so, a fairy tale. I want my life to be a fairy tale. The knight in shining armor always comes to save the Princess. He never leaves her so she'll be happy. She never has to worry about picking the wrong guy because the wrong guy is always vile and evil and the right guy is always noble, handsome and honorable, which resembles my life in no way."
"Want some hot cocoa?" I ask standing up.
"Oooo yes, with little marshmallows." Buffy stands up and follows me into the kitchen. She doesn't actually have hot cocoa in her kitchen. I brought some from home when Spike called me. It's an official comfort food.
*
-Buffy-
I sip hot cocoa and sit on the couch with Willow. We've got Casablanca in the DVD player. We've both seen it so many times we don't actually have to watch it. I can't remember the last time Will and I watched a movie together, or had a girl's night. Since I moved to Cleveland I've been all slay all the time. I've closed myself off. I don't let my friends in. I am so afraid of getting hurt again. I'm not sure when that happened. I've always been heart on my sleeve girl. Angel once told me that I held my heart out in front of me for the world to see, and it's true, only not anymore. I guard my heart. I put it behind this wall in a box and a big lock on the box.
"What do you think I should do, Will? Honest answers, no just telling me what you think I want to hear." I say.
"I think you should do what makes you happy." She says.
"What if I don't know what that is?" My voice sounds trembly.
"Then you find out."
*
Willow goes back to her house after many assurances from me that I'll be okay and I'll call if I need her, even if it's the middle of the night. She shouldn't have to spend the night away from her sweetie because I've gotten an attack of emotions and become clingy. Besides, I've got a lot of thinking to do and thinking is best done alone. I sit cross legged in the middle of the bed. I bend over and rest my forehead on the mattress in front of me.
A million thoughts and a million memories vie for attention inside my head. Willow's words keep coming back to me. What do you want? An easier question is what don't I want? I don't want to hurt Spike. He's been much too good to me. I don't to have to survive Angel leaving again. I don't want to live the rest of my life never feeling the way I felt the year I was sixteen.
And that leads me right back to Angel. It seems like since the day I met him, everything always circles around to him in some form or another. I honestly don't think I could be rid of Angel even if I tried. Somehow, for some reason he's a part of me and he always has been, since the day I was born until the day I die.
Opening myself back up to Angel is scary. He can hurt me in ways that no one else and nothing else can. He's like a great big dangerous wild cat, in more ways then one. He doesn't even realize it when he hurts me most of the time. And everything is always all or nothing with Angel and me. I know if I let myself get involved with him again I won't be able to do it with these walls that I've built to keep everyone else out. I'm not built that way, not when it comes to Angel. I wish I were. It would make things so much easier.
I sit up with a growl. . I'm just not gonna do a damn thing for now. I'm not going to let him hurt me. I'm not going to let him tear down my walls. I've always just accepted Angel back with open arms. I've trusted that our love will be enough and it's proven time and again, it's just not. There is one thing I know, though, I'm not going to push him away. I'm not going to tell him to go back to LA. I can't watch Angel leave me again.
*
-Angel-
I leave Buffy's apartment and walk into the first bar I can find. I sit far away from the mirror out of habit. I order an Irish whiskey. The point here is to get drunk, good and pissed so I don't have to think about Buffy giving up on us. I drain the whiskey quickly and motion to the bartender.
"Just give me the damn bottle." I growl. I still manage a pretty respectable growl for a human.
The bartender doesn't even glance twice at me. He just smacks the bottle down in front of me and leaves me alone. That's fine. It's exactly how I want to be and apparently how I'm supposed to spend the rest of this fucking human life I wanted so damn bad.
I know I hurt her. I know I hurt her so bad that I killed everything inside of her. The things I've done to Buffy in the name of her happiness rank right up there with murdering children, which I've also done. Go me. I've got a chance to make it better though and she won't let me. She's so drawn into herself, I don't know if anyone can get her back.
Several Irish whiskeys later I'm still trying to figure out exactly how I'm going to get her back. I rub at the spot just below my rib cage, a spot that still aches from time to time, the exact spot Buffy ran a sword through me to save the world. I drain my last whiskey and stand up slowly. I give the world a chance to stop spinning before I start walking back to my apartment. I came back from Hell for her. There's no way she's getting rid of me this easy.