"I Think I'll Keep You"
Dana Katherine Scully:
"Harry can you get them out now?"
"Yes Captain, I believe the shuttle was somehow blocking our transporters. We won't know for certain until we can examine it but I think.."
The sickening crunch of metal slamming metal, followed by a ship-wide lurch to port, interrupted Harry's train of thought. "Harry get them the hell out of there!" Admiral Janeway barked.
The comm system chirped. "Doctor to the Admiral."
"Admiral unauthorized transport onto deck two detected!" It was Tuvok.
"The hull has been breached by the shuttle crash," shouted Worf.
"Everybody SILENCE!!!" Janeway shouted finally. There was a stunned silence on the bridge of the Enterprise. "Now. That's better. Tuvok what is our security status?"
"Intruder on deck two Admiral. I have dispatched two teams to intercept."
"Good. Mr. Worf?"
"Admiral we have a hull breach on decks 11-15: emergency forcefield are holding but fluctuating. Casualties reported at 7."
Slapping her comm badge the Admiral said, "Now then. Doctor was there something you wanted to say?"
"Admiral I think you'd better come to sickbay. We've retrieved Dr. Crusher and Captain Picard and there's.there's something you need to know."
"I'm on my way. Janeway out."
*
Beverly was flailing on the ocean, tossed about by the waves. She struggled to keep her head above water but the wind whipped up the water into a frenzy. Her whole body screamed at her to give up, just sink and let it happen. But she couldn't listen. She had to...keep...swimming...keep...going...
*
"Admiral!" the Doctor said as Janeway entered sickbay. His forced cheerfulness told her everything she needed to know: this was bad.
"What is it Doctor?"
The Doctor lowered his eyes. "We've lost Seven."
Janeway was stunned. "What?!" she finally choked out.
"She...well she...she shot herself, Admiral." The Doctor was trying very hard not to let his feelings show.
Janeway, on the other hand, was enraged. "What the hell was she thinking!" Then, something occurred to her. "Where's Chakotay?"
The Doctor sighed. "In their quarters."
Just as Janeway turned to leave, the Doctor said, "And he wishes to be alone."
A frustrated sigh was the Doctor's only indication that his former Captain had even heard him. Her back to him, he could see her shoulder's shudder with controlled tears. After nearly a minute of the frozen silence the Doctor said, "She was miserable Admiral."
"That doesn't mean she can just...just leave us like that!" Janeway refused to look back at the Doctor for fear her mask would shatter. "I should never have...." Her voice trailed off into nothingness, and when she turned toward him again she wore a mask of indifference. "How are the Captain and CMO?"
The Doctor looked down at the Chief Medical Officer of the Enterprise with an anxious expression on his face. "Well, Dr. Crusher is in pretty bad shape," he said softly. "She's been repeatedly...beaten and...abused." He looked down at the floor.
"In what way Doctor? You're not telling me something."
"Well, it appears she's been raped. Violently."
Janeway's eyes widened. "By whom?" she whispered angrily, wishing to preserve Beverly's privacy and also somewhat conscious of her sleeping goddaughter.
"I haven't been able to get a DNA sample. It seems as though he...he just didn't leave a trace."
"Is she pregnant?"
"Frankly, Admiral, I don't want to know."
"Doctor, standard procedure in.."
"Admiral please. I don't think it's appropriate, especially since she is another physician. At least until she wakes up."
Janeway sighed, then acquiesced. "What about Captain Picard?"
The Doctor brightened as much as he could at the mention of his star patient of the moment. "Captain Jean-Luc Picard is as good as new. He suffered the same sensory deprivation and malnutrition that Dr. Crusher faced but I've been able to stabilize him. The beatings that he faced must have been harrowing, but I've been able to repair much of the damage."
"Any signs of sexual abuse?" Janeway asked quietly.
The Doctor was taken aback. "On a man?"
"It does happen Doctor." Admiral Janeway was a little stunned that his programming didn't include all forms of sexual abuse, but she pushed it aside as a testament to how truly blessed the crew of Voyager had been. They'd never suffered this level of psychological torture.
The Doctor quickly scanned Picard. Uncomfortably, he said, "Apparently he was not...hurt that way. Which means he still could have been the one to.abuse Dr. Crusher, though I doubt it."
In any other situation the Doctor's discomfort would have made Janeway laugh. Now, it was sobering. 400 years had passed since Tom Paris' favorite era, and they were still so innocent. "I think it's safe to assume that whomever that android is, he is definitely not the Data Starfleet trained. How long till you can wake him?"
"I can wake him right now if you like, though you may need some more time to speak with him."
"Yes I suppose I might. Thank you Doctor. And, let's keep this information to sickbay please. I don't want to compromise Dr. Crusher any further." Janeway lingered with the Doctor for a moment, their minds drifting to the sad woman whose failed marriage had taken her life. The Doctor was about to speak as the doors to sickbay flew open.
"Data?!"
The tall android paid no attention as he flew past Janeway and to Dr. Crusher's bedside. "Stupid bitch," he hissed at her sleeping form. He struck her bruised face with the back of his hand before Janeway grabbed his arm and pulled. Hard.
"Get the hell off of this ship."
His sneer turned on her, and Janeway suddenly realized just whom she had provoked. "Get off this ship?" he larked, mocking her. "Get off this SHIP?" His twisted sneer advanced on her as the Doctor stood, stunned.
Admiral Janeway's hand reached up to slap her comm badge, but the android's reflexes were too quick for her. He grabbed her arm and she could feel the pop as he pulled her elbow out of joint. Janeway's surprised cry snapped the Doctor into action.
"Doctor to security! Get to sickbay! Immediately!" He rushed to his former Captain's aid and threw himself against the sickly pale android. His struggling earned Janeway several seconds in which to escape, but she got only as far as the door before a bedside tray flew through the air and incapacitated her.
*
Voice. Loud, angry voices. "Data?!" "Get...off...ship" Beverly drowned in the words, swallowing them down into her stomach, into her lungs. She tried to gag, but there were too many words. Sickbay...admiral...Doctor...security...wake him...rape...suffered...Jean- Luc...JEAN-LUC! Beverly awoke with a start. "Jean-Luc!!!"
*
The sudden cry momentarily stunned the security team who had begun to neutralize the threat. Adat saw his advantage. A moment later, two guards were suffering from phasor burns and the others were scrambling to regroup. Adat nearly growled with excitement, until a timid but firm hand reached out and switched him off.
*
Janeway glared at the now limp android on the floor. "I think I'll keep you," she mumbled. "In the brig." The Admiral stepped delicately over his body and left sickbay, trying to control her shaking.
*
Repair crews were hard at work on the damaged sections of the Enterprise. Meanwhile, Voyager's crew gathered to mourn their lost friend. Instead of celebrating her life, however, as the crew had been accustomed to doing, they were still trying to puzzle out the circumstances of her death. Seven's unexpected suicide had left the crew baffled.
With Tom and B'Elanna still helping Miral to recover from her injury, there had been little time for the family to mourn, and they suffered only a pervasive feeling that something was simply not right. Harry had been stunned at the news: he had known that Seven was suffering in her marriage but suicide just didn't seem to be a part of Seven's vocabulary. Tuvok's characteristic facade was much more difficult for him to maintain: the illogic of Seven's extremely emotional outburst was nearly as difficult for him to understand as the Sudor murders had been so many years ago. This time, however, there was no opportunity to understand.
The Doctor was sadly unsurprised. He couldn't help but feel guilty for his cynicism but he'd known from the start that a marriage for a woman with the emotional maturity of an adolescent would only lead to adolescent behaviour. That's what his medical brain said anyway. His emotional brain felt numb. He couldn't understand the behaviour, couldn't come to terms with it. If only he'd warned someone, if only he'd seen it coming. If only he'd talked to her, if only...
Chakotay was devastated. The reality of Seven's death had sunk like a lead weight to rest in the pit of his stomach: he was physically sick when he thought of his last words to her. His mind ran a constant loop around the last minutes of her life. "Seven!!" he heard himself shouting. In his mind, he was standing at the end of a long tunnel, running with all his might to reach her. She stood at the end, face streaked with tears, and whispered something. He couldn't hear it, if only he could get to her in time! She would whisper it one last time, then a blinding flash obscured his vision. Despite himself he would raise his arm to guard his eyes, and when the tunnel finally became dark again he was holding her body. He couldn't make sense of it: he couldn't handle it. The image occupied every waking and sleeping moment.
Kathryn Janeway wanted to scream. She wanted to slam her fists against the walls and call out to anyone who could hear. She wanted to throw herself into a rage, to demand of Seven why she was so selfish, so goddamn self- absorbed, so deliriously self-centered...but she knew it wasn't true. She was the selfish one, the only self-absorbed person in Voyager's family. She'd made Seven stick with it in the first place. She was the one with the stupid maternal instincts. She was the one who had practically adopted a woman with the emotional maturity of a teenager. All in the name of doing good. Yeah you did real great Kathryn. What a hero. If only she'd intervened when Chakotay had called her so long ago. If only she'd prevented the marriage from happening. If only she'd avoided feeling so much for any of them.
If only she could cry.
But Admiral Janeway was a rock: solid, strong, unfeeling, and in control. Completely in control. There would be no screaming rage, no sobbing till her head ached and her eyes were swollen shut. That was not becoming of her rank or her persona. She could not afford to lose face. Her stoicism would be a model for her crew. Her speech for Seven would be heartfelt but detached. She was Admiral Janeway.
"We've gathered here today to celebrate the life of Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix Zero-One. The life of a dear friend, known to her parents as Annika and to us as simply Seven. I would like to share some fond memories of Seven and then you are all welcome to take the podium." Admiral Janeway took a deep breath. So far so good. Not even a quaver in her voice.
"When Seven first came aboard we...well we knocked heads a bit." Admiral Janeway forced a smile. "But Seven began to blossom into her own person, a strong, admirable..." child "woman." Don't lose it now Kathryn. Don't you dare blame her for this. "She began to make friends, even to attempt dating. Though the first attempt ended in a severely strained shoulder as I recall"-another forced smile- "Seven was undeterred. She continued to branch out into the world that we are all so familiar with, and she developed close relationships with many members of the crew." Another deep breath, this time a little shaky. "She was so innocent and yet so strong: I was amazed." You're rambling Kathryn, she reminded herself. "When she and Commander Chakotay announced their engagement I was stunned, but thrilled." Damn! she thought as a single tear ran down her cheek. "I wished them both the best of luck and," Admiral Janeway's voice cracked. She pressed her lips together in a hard line, but the tears would not stop. Control yourself, she thought sternly, but it was no use. After what seemed like an eternity, her voice returned. "If anyone else would like to share his or her reflections please come up."
As she stepped down from the podium she bit her lip so hard it bled. She would NOT cry again. Admiral Janeway was not about to lose control. Ever. Even at her own expense, she would be a rock to the end.
Kathryn didn't even hear the rest of the funeral ceremony. Chakotay refused to share his reflections, electing instead to simply stand beside his late wife's coffin and stare sadly down at it. Every once in a while he would look up at her and his eyes pierced her very soul.
When the ceremony was finished and Seven's body committed to space, Admiral Janeway reminded her crew that the funeral reception would be held when the repairs to deck ten were completed.
*
Kathryn Janeway fled to her quarters and locked the door, then collapsed onto her couch. The tears that she had tried so desperately to hold back would not flow now, and she found herself feeling full to the brim and unable to open the floodgate. She stood and gazed down at the M-Class planet below them, her heart full to bursting.
Her door chirped. "Come in," she said, without thinking. Then, "Oh! Sorry, computer, unlock doors."
Standing in her door was Commander Chakotay. His eyes were full of something she couldn't quite place. "Chakotay?" she whispered.
"Kathryn," he breathed, walking purposefully towards her.
"Chakotay what.."
She could say no more as his mouth claimed hers.
The fury and passion of the kiss was something akin to rage. Kathryn and Chakotay dueled with their tongues, pressing their faces so deeply into one another that they seemed to be charging the opposing line. Their arms around one another were so tight they could barely breath. Eyes glued shut, they thrust and parried, entwining their mouths so completely there was no room for anything other than their furious desperation. Back and forth they fought, with the strength borne of desperate need.
Suddenly Kathryn tore away from the embrace. Her gaze smoldered, with passion or fury neither one of them could be sure. "What the hell do you think you're doing," she growled.
"Waking you up Kathryn." Chakotay took a step towards her, almost menacing in his lust.
"Stay right where you are."
"You didn't seem to mind a minute ago."
"You should never have done that to me! Why Chakotay? WHY?"
Chakotay didn't reply. They glared at each other, now only inches apart. Finally Admiral Janeway rumbled, "Dismissed Commander."
Chakotay stayed put. "No."
"Commander Chakotay I gave you a direct..."
Once again the last word was strangled, ripped from her mouth by a raging storm of confused emotions. Chakotay's hands hungrily explored her body, and Admiral Janeway once again retreated at the sight of the raw emotion. Kathryn Janeway explored back. He was about to unzip her uniform when he pulled away from the desperate entanglement, leaving Kathryn Janeway confused and angry. Admiral Janeway took over once more.
The blazing fire in Chakotay's eyes had suddenly disappeared, replaced by a more familiar expression: guilt. "Kathryn I...I'm so sorry I don't...oh God." Without another word, Chakotay left the Admiral's quarters.
Admiral Janeway stared at the door for at least a minute after Chakotay had left. Then she could stand no longer.
Kathryn Janeway dissolved into a crumpled heap of angry tears. Tears for her surrogate daughter who's death had torn her apart. Tears for the friend she'd found, lost, found again, and now lost again. Tears for the Voyager family, which would never be the same. And tears for her self: alone, vulnerable, and with nothing to show for herself but a uniform, a thick dossier, and a gold ranking bar.
*
Captain Jean-Luc Picard awoke with a start in the sickbay of the Enterprise- F. As soon as his disorientation cleared he looked frantically about for Beverly. Finding her missing, he called out to her. "Beverly! BEVERLY!!"
An EMH-1 came scurrying into the room with a medical tricorder in hand. "Captain! Captain it's all right, Beverly is just fine."
"Where is she?" he demanded as loudly as he could manage. It didn't register that this was actually Voyager's doctor.
"She's...she's currently resting. Admiral Janeway wished to speak to you when you awoke. Would you like me to contact her now or would you like a few moments to collect your thoughts?" The EMH spoke soothingly, and as much as Jean-Luc hated to be coddled he would put up with it for Kathryn's sake.
"Please give me a few moments. May I see Beverly?" Picard asked.
The EMH sighed. "Captain I do not advise it. She's under a fair amount of stress due to her experiences. There are still some conditions I can't cure with a hypospray. Post-traumatic stress syndrome is one of them."
Jean-Luc's frustrated sigh told the Doctor that he had won purely on the basis of the Captain's whim. "Alright Doctor thank you. You may contact the Admiral now."
The Doctor nodded kindly, a sad expression playing across his face. "I'll do that right away sir."
The Doctor walked into his temporary office in the Enterprise sickbay. He wasn't sure why he felt he needed to contact the Admiral privately, but the feeling was strong all the same. After all, it hadn't even been 24 hours since Seven's funeral. "Doctor to the Admiral," he said, tapping his commbadge.
A few moments of silence. "Admiral Janeway this is the Doctor please respond."
"Yes Doctor?" came a harried voice.
"Admiral, Captain Picard is awake. You wished to speak with him..?"
"Tuvok and Worf can handle it," she grumbled, terminating the connection.
The Doctor was shocked. Admiral Janeway had not behaved like this since...
The Void. The Doctor realized what was happening with a growing horrour. Admiral Janeway was being consumed by irrational guilt. The Doctor made a note to discuss the problem with.well with the ships' conselour if necessary. He sighed. Worrying wouldn't get Captain Picard debriefed any sooner. "Doctor to Commander Worf."
"Worf here."
"I need you and Tuvok in sickbay. Captain Picard has awakened."
"I shall notify Commander Tuvok and we will arrive momentarily."
"Thank you Commander. Doctor out."
The Doctor sighed again, dropping heavily into his chair. Sometimes he honestly wished he didn't have emotion subroutines.
Dana Katherine Scully:
"Harry can you get them out now?"
"Yes Captain, I believe the shuttle was somehow blocking our transporters. We won't know for certain until we can examine it but I think.."
The sickening crunch of metal slamming metal, followed by a ship-wide lurch to port, interrupted Harry's train of thought. "Harry get them the hell out of there!" Admiral Janeway barked.
The comm system chirped. "Doctor to the Admiral."
"Admiral unauthorized transport onto deck two detected!" It was Tuvok.
"The hull has been breached by the shuttle crash," shouted Worf.
"Everybody SILENCE!!!" Janeway shouted finally. There was a stunned silence on the bridge of the Enterprise. "Now. That's better. Tuvok what is our security status?"
"Intruder on deck two Admiral. I have dispatched two teams to intercept."
"Good. Mr. Worf?"
"Admiral we have a hull breach on decks 11-15: emergency forcefield are holding but fluctuating. Casualties reported at 7."
Slapping her comm badge the Admiral said, "Now then. Doctor was there something you wanted to say?"
"Admiral I think you'd better come to sickbay. We've retrieved Dr. Crusher and Captain Picard and there's.there's something you need to know."
"I'm on my way. Janeway out."
*
Beverly was flailing on the ocean, tossed about by the waves. She struggled to keep her head above water but the wind whipped up the water into a frenzy. Her whole body screamed at her to give up, just sink and let it happen. But she couldn't listen. She had to...keep...swimming...keep...going...
*
"Admiral!" the Doctor said as Janeway entered sickbay. His forced cheerfulness told her everything she needed to know: this was bad.
"What is it Doctor?"
The Doctor lowered his eyes. "We've lost Seven."
Janeway was stunned. "What?!" she finally choked out.
"She...well she...she shot herself, Admiral." The Doctor was trying very hard not to let his feelings show.
Janeway, on the other hand, was enraged. "What the hell was she thinking!" Then, something occurred to her. "Where's Chakotay?"
The Doctor sighed. "In their quarters."
Just as Janeway turned to leave, the Doctor said, "And he wishes to be alone."
A frustrated sigh was the Doctor's only indication that his former Captain had even heard him. Her back to him, he could see her shoulder's shudder with controlled tears. After nearly a minute of the frozen silence the Doctor said, "She was miserable Admiral."
"That doesn't mean she can just...just leave us like that!" Janeway refused to look back at the Doctor for fear her mask would shatter. "I should never have...." Her voice trailed off into nothingness, and when she turned toward him again she wore a mask of indifference. "How are the Captain and CMO?"
The Doctor looked down at the Chief Medical Officer of the Enterprise with an anxious expression on his face. "Well, Dr. Crusher is in pretty bad shape," he said softly. "She's been repeatedly...beaten and...abused." He looked down at the floor.
"In what way Doctor? You're not telling me something."
"Well, it appears she's been raped. Violently."
Janeway's eyes widened. "By whom?" she whispered angrily, wishing to preserve Beverly's privacy and also somewhat conscious of her sleeping goddaughter.
"I haven't been able to get a DNA sample. It seems as though he...he just didn't leave a trace."
"Is she pregnant?"
"Frankly, Admiral, I don't want to know."
"Doctor, standard procedure in.."
"Admiral please. I don't think it's appropriate, especially since she is another physician. At least until she wakes up."
Janeway sighed, then acquiesced. "What about Captain Picard?"
The Doctor brightened as much as he could at the mention of his star patient of the moment. "Captain Jean-Luc Picard is as good as new. He suffered the same sensory deprivation and malnutrition that Dr. Crusher faced but I've been able to stabilize him. The beatings that he faced must have been harrowing, but I've been able to repair much of the damage."
"Any signs of sexual abuse?" Janeway asked quietly.
The Doctor was taken aback. "On a man?"
"It does happen Doctor." Admiral Janeway was a little stunned that his programming didn't include all forms of sexual abuse, but she pushed it aside as a testament to how truly blessed the crew of Voyager had been. They'd never suffered this level of psychological torture.
The Doctor quickly scanned Picard. Uncomfortably, he said, "Apparently he was not...hurt that way. Which means he still could have been the one to.abuse Dr. Crusher, though I doubt it."
In any other situation the Doctor's discomfort would have made Janeway laugh. Now, it was sobering. 400 years had passed since Tom Paris' favorite era, and they were still so innocent. "I think it's safe to assume that whomever that android is, he is definitely not the Data Starfleet trained. How long till you can wake him?"
"I can wake him right now if you like, though you may need some more time to speak with him."
"Yes I suppose I might. Thank you Doctor. And, let's keep this information to sickbay please. I don't want to compromise Dr. Crusher any further." Janeway lingered with the Doctor for a moment, their minds drifting to the sad woman whose failed marriage had taken her life. The Doctor was about to speak as the doors to sickbay flew open.
"Data?!"
The tall android paid no attention as he flew past Janeway and to Dr. Crusher's bedside. "Stupid bitch," he hissed at her sleeping form. He struck her bruised face with the back of his hand before Janeway grabbed his arm and pulled. Hard.
"Get the hell off of this ship."
His sneer turned on her, and Janeway suddenly realized just whom she had provoked. "Get off this ship?" he larked, mocking her. "Get off this SHIP?" His twisted sneer advanced on her as the Doctor stood, stunned.
Admiral Janeway's hand reached up to slap her comm badge, but the android's reflexes were too quick for her. He grabbed her arm and she could feel the pop as he pulled her elbow out of joint. Janeway's surprised cry snapped the Doctor into action.
"Doctor to security! Get to sickbay! Immediately!" He rushed to his former Captain's aid and threw himself against the sickly pale android. His struggling earned Janeway several seconds in which to escape, but she got only as far as the door before a bedside tray flew through the air and incapacitated her.
*
Voice. Loud, angry voices. "Data?!" "Get...off...ship" Beverly drowned in the words, swallowing them down into her stomach, into her lungs. She tried to gag, but there were too many words. Sickbay...admiral...Doctor...security...wake him...rape...suffered...Jean- Luc...JEAN-LUC! Beverly awoke with a start. "Jean-Luc!!!"
*
The sudden cry momentarily stunned the security team who had begun to neutralize the threat. Adat saw his advantage. A moment later, two guards were suffering from phasor burns and the others were scrambling to regroup. Adat nearly growled with excitement, until a timid but firm hand reached out and switched him off.
*
Janeway glared at the now limp android on the floor. "I think I'll keep you," she mumbled. "In the brig." The Admiral stepped delicately over his body and left sickbay, trying to control her shaking.
*
Repair crews were hard at work on the damaged sections of the Enterprise. Meanwhile, Voyager's crew gathered to mourn their lost friend. Instead of celebrating her life, however, as the crew had been accustomed to doing, they were still trying to puzzle out the circumstances of her death. Seven's unexpected suicide had left the crew baffled.
With Tom and B'Elanna still helping Miral to recover from her injury, there had been little time for the family to mourn, and they suffered only a pervasive feeling that something was simply not right. Harry had been stunned at the news: he had known that Seven was suffering in her marriage but suicide just didn't seem to be a part of Seven's vocabulary. Tuvok's characteristic facade was much more difficult for him to maintain: the illogic of Seven's extremely emotional outburst was nearly as difficult for him to understand as the Sudor murders had been so many years ago. This time, however, there was no opportunity to understand.
The Doctor was sadly unsurprised. He couldn't help but feel guilty for his cynicism but he'd known from the start that a marriage for a woman with the emotional maturity of an adolescent would only lead to adolescent behaviour. That's what his medical brain said anyway. His emotional brain felt numb. He couldn't understand the behaviour, couldn't come to terms with it. If only he'd warned someone, if only he'd seen it coming. If only he'd talked to her, if only...
Chakotay was devastated. The reality of Seven's death had sunk like a lead weight to rest in the pit of his stomach: he was physically sick when he thought of his last words to her. His mind ran a constant loop around the last minutes of her life. "Seven!!" he heard himself shouting. In his mind, he was standing at the end of a long tunnel, running with all his might to reach her. She stood at the end, face streaked with tears, and whispered something. He couldn't hear it, if only he could get to her in time! She would whisper it one last time, then a blinding flash obscured his vision. Despite himself he would raise his arm to guard his eyes, and when the tunnel finally became dark again he was holding her body. He couldn't make sense of it: he couldn't handle it. The image occupied every waking and sleeping moment.
Kathryn Janeway wanted to scream. She wanted to slam her fists against the walls and call out to anyone who could hear. She wanted to throw herself into a rage, to demand of Seven why she was so selfish, so goddamn self- absorbed, so deliriously self-centered...but she knew it wasn't true. She was the selfish one, the only self-absorbed person in Voyager's family. She'd made Seven stick with it in the first place. She was the one with the stupid maternal instincts. She was the one who had practically adopted a woman with the emotional maturity of a teenager. All in the name of doing good. Yeah you did real great Kathryn. What a hero. If only she'd intervened when Chakotay had called her so long ago. If only she'd prevented the marriage from happening. If only she'd avoided feeling so much for any of them.
If only she could cry.
But Admiral Janeway was a rock: solid, strong, unfeeling, and in control. Completely in control. There would be no screaming rage, no sobbing till her head ached and her eyes were swollen shut. That was not becoming of her rank or her persona. She could not afford to lose face. Her stoicism would be a model for her crew. Her speech for Seven would be heartfelt but detached. She was Admiral Janeway.
"We've gathered here today to celebrate the life of Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix Zero-One. The life of a dear friend, known to her parents as Annika and to us as simply Seven. I would like to share some fond memories of Seven and then you are all welcome to take the podium." Admiral Janeway took a deep breath. So far so good. Not even a quaver in her voice.
"When Seven first came aboard we...well we knocked heads a bit." Admiral Janeway forced a smile. "But Seven began to blossom into her own person, a strong, admirable..." child "woman." Don't lose it now Kathryn. Don't you dare blame her for this. "She began to make friends, even to attempt dating. Though the first attempt ended in a severely strained shoulder as I recall"-another forced smile- "Seven was undeterred. She continued to branch out into the world that we are all so familiar with, and she developed close relationships with many members of the crew." Another deep breath, this time a little shaky. "She was so innocent and yet so strong: I was amazed." You're rambling Kathryn, she reminded herself. "When she and Commander Chakotay announced their engagement I was stunned, but thrilled." Damn! she thought as a single tear ran down her cheek. "I wished them both the best of luck and," Admiral Janeway's voice cracked. She pressed her lips together in a hard line, but the tears would not stop. Control yourself, she thought sternly, but it was no use. After what seemed like an eternity, her voice returned. "If anyone else would like to share his or her reflections please come up."
As she stepped down from the podium she bit her lip so hard it bled. She would NOT cry again. Admiral Janeway was not about to lose control. Ever. Even at her own expense, she would be a rock to the end.
Kathryn didn't even hear the rest of the funeral ceremony. Chakotay refused to share his reflections, electing instead to simply stand beside his late wife's coffin and stare sadly down at it. Every once in a while he would look up at her and his eyes pierced her very soul.
When the ceremony was finished and Seven's body committed to space, Admiral Janeway reminded her crew that the funeral reception would be held when the repairs to deck ten were completed.
*
Kathryn Janeway fled to her quarters and locked the door, then collapsed onto her couch. The tears that she had tried so desperately to hold back would not flow now, and she found herself feeling full to the brim and unable to open the floodgate. She stood and gazed down at the M-Class planet below them, her heart full to bursting.
Her door chirped. "Come in," she said, without thinking. Then, "Oh! Sorry, computer, unlock doors."
Standing in her door was Commander Chakotay. His eyes were full of something she couldn't quite place. "Chakotay?" she whispered.
"Kathryn," he breathed, walking purposefully towards her.
"Chakotay what.."
She could say no more as his mouth claimed hers.
The fury and passion of the kiss was something akin to rage. Kathryn and Chakotay dueled with their tongues, pressing their faces so deeply into one another that they seemed to be charging the opposing line. Their arms around one another were so tight they could barely breath. Eyes glued shut, they thrust and parried, entwining their mouths so completely there was no room for anything other than their furious desperation. Back and forth they fought, with the strength borne of desperate need.
Suddenly Kathryn tore away from the embrace. Her gaze smoldered, with passion or fury neither one of them could be sure. "What the hell do you think you're doing," she growled.
"Waking you up Kathryn." Chakotay took a step towards her, almost menacing in his lust.
"Stay right where you are."
"You didn't seem to mind a minute ago."
"You should never have done that to me! Why Chakotay? WHY?"
Chakotay didn't reply. They glared at each other, now only inches apart. Finally Admiral Janeway rumbled, "Dismissed Commander."
Chakotay stayed put. "No."
"Commander Chakotay I gave you a direct..."
Once again the last word was strangled, ripped from her mouth by a raging storm of confused emotions. Chakotay's hands hungrily explored her body, and Admiral Janeway once again retreated at the sight of the raw emotion. Kathryn Janeway explored back. He was about to unzip her uniform when he pulled away from the desperate entanglement, leaving Kathryn Janeway confused and angry. Admiral Janeway took over once more.
The blazing fire in Chakotay's eyes had suddenly disappeared, replaced by a more familiar expression: guilt. "Kathryn I...I'm so sorry I don't...oh God." Without another word, Chakotay left the Admiral's quarters.
Admiral Janeway stared at the door for at least a minute after Chakotay had left. Then she could stand no longer.
Kathryn Janeway dissolved into a crumpled heap of angry tears. Tears for her surrogate daughter who's death had torn her apart. Tears for the friend she'd found, lost, found again, and now lost again. Tears for the Voyager family, which would never be the same. And tears for her self: alone, vulnerable, and with nothing to show for herself but a uniform, a thick dossier, and a gold ranking bar.
*
Captain Jean-Luc Picard awoke with a start in the sickbay of the Enterprise- F. As soon as his disorientation cleared he looked frantically about for Beverly. Finding her missing, he called out to her. "Beverly! BEVERLY!!"
An EMH-1 came scurrying into the room with a medical tricorder in hand. "Captain! Captain it's all right, Beverly is just fine."
"Where is she?" he demanded as loudly as he could manage. It didn't register that this was actually Voyager's doctor.
"She's...she's currently resting. Admiral Janeway wished to speak to you when you awoke. Would you like me to contact her now or would you like a few moments to collect your thoughts?" The EMH spoke soothingly, and as much as Jean-Luc hated to be coddled he would put up with it for Kathryn's sake.
"Please give me a few moments. May I see Beverly?" Picard asked.
The EMH sighed. "Captain I do not advise it. She's under a fair amount of stress due to her experiences. There are still some conditions I can't cure with a hypospray. Post-traumatic stress syndrome is one of them."
Jean-Luc's frustrated sigh told the Doctor that he had won purely on the basis of the Captain's whim. "Alright Doctor thank you. You may contact the Admiral now."
The Doctor nodded kindly, a sad expression playing across his face. "I'll do that right away sir."
The Doctor walked into his temporary office in the Enterprise sickbay. He wasn't sure why he felt he needed to contact the Admiral privately, but the feeling was strong all the same. After all, it hadn't even been 24 hours since Seven's funeral. "Doctor to the Admiral," he said, tapping his commbadge.
A few moments of silence. "Admiral Janeway this is the Doctor please respond."
"Yes Doctor?" came a harried voice.
"Admiral, Captain Picard is awake. You wished to speak with him..?"
"Tuvok and Worf can handle it," she grumbled, terminating the connection.
The Doctor was shocked. Admiral Janeway had not behaved like this since...
The Void. The Doctor realized what was happening with a growing horrour. Admiral Janeway was being consumed by irrational guilt. The Doctor made a note to discuss the problem with.well with the ships' conselour if necessary. He sighed. Worrying wouldn't get Captain Picard debriefed any sooner. "Doctor to Commander Worf."
"Worf here."
"I need you and Tuvok in sickbay. Captain Picard has awakened."
"I shall notify Commander Tuvok and we will arrive momentarily."
"Thank you Commander. Doctor out."
The Doctor sighed again, dropping heavily into his chair. Sometimes he honestly wished he didn't have emotion subroutines.