Stumble Into Grace- Chapter 12
-Buffy-
I'm supposed to be going over the slayer end of the Watcher's council stuff for Giles. I can't concentrate on it. All I can think about is Angel. I'm afraid to even hope that things are going good. I'm almost afraid to even think it. If I don't think it, don't hope for it, it can't hurt me. Or at least that's what I tell myself. Part of me tells myself it's only a matter of time before he leaves me again. Eventually he's going to decide that he can't make me happy, or give me the life I deserve. Or worse, now that's he's human he won't be able to deal with me being a slayer. He'll want a girly girl that isn't stronger then him, that doesn't have a destiny, that can't take a down a demon faster then he can organize a team to go retrieve said demon. Ok, so maybe those are some old Riley issues coming up, but they are valid arguments none the less.
I shove the stack of papers away from me. This is getting me nowhere very quickly. I can not spend the rest of my life like this. Maybe it was a mistake letting him get this close. Of course it was a mistake. I mean look what happened last time he got this close. He shattered my heart into a million pieces and left. Angel and I are like communism, we sound good in theory. It just doesn't work between the two of us. I honestly believe we were fated to meet, we were fated to fall in love and that I am his destiny. We were also fated to be apart. The Powers have proved this over and over. I can't give them a chance to prove it again. I'm gonna just have to walk away from him.
Angel chooses that exact moment to show up. I recognize the black Audi as it pulls up to the curb. He walks in the magic shop. He's actually whistling and he's whistling pretty badly. I don't think I've ever in my entire life heard Angel whistle. I scowl at him. He smiles at me and I order my stomach not to do that flip flop thing. It promptly disobeys.
Angel holds out an envelope for me. I take it and hold it in the tips of my fingers, looking at him warily.
"Well go ahead, it won't bite." He grins. He is entirely too happy about this.
I slip several sheets of carbon paper out of the envelope and look over it. I swallow thickly "Is this what I think it is?" I finally ask.
"I don't know. What do you think it is?" He asks.
"A two year lease agreement on an apartment." I say.
"Then yes, it's exactly what you think it is." He says.
The papers slide out of my fingers to the floor. "So what, we have coffee one night, I let you drive me to work on cold days, and you just assume I'll move back in with you? You assume I'm that desperate to get my hands on you that I'll drop my entire life so that I can move into your brand new apartment?" I'm yelling and I'm thankful there aren't actually any customers in the store.
"Wait, stop, no. I don't assume anything. The apartment is for me, just me. I wanted you to see the papers so you'd know I'm planning to stick around. I'm not leaving this time. And as for dropping your entire life, I'm dropping my entire life so I can move here, so I can be closer to you." Angel says.
I blush bright red. God, could I be any bitchier, apparently no. I mumble something that sounds like I'm sorry. Giles steps out of his office in the back of the store and clears his throat.
"I'm just going to go take my lunch break. I'll lock up for an hour or so." He leaves before I can stop him, turning and locking us in as he goes. We both watch him get into his car and drive away.
"Buffy, do you still love me?" Angel asks.
I look up at him. Tears glisten on my eye lashes and threaten to spill over. "I will always love you, Angel. I don't know who I am if I don't love you."
-Angel-
It takes every bit of willpower I have learned in the last two centuries not to wrap my arms around her and pull her into me. I know she'd run, or kick my ass and then run. Either way, I'd never get her back.
"Let's go sit down." I gesture over to the pair of arm chairs Giles has sitting near a window. She nods and walks over there. She sits on the edge of the chair, her arms wrapped around her body. Her back is curved, her head is dipped toward the floor. She sits in classic Buffy defense posture.
"Okay, here's the deal. I'm staying, for as long as you're here. You can't lose me, Buffy. Not this time. When I moved up here I rented a crappy apartment because it was close to yours. I didn't want to make permanent plans. I didn't want to interfere if you were happy but when I got here, I didn't think you were. I don't think you are." I say.
"That's kind of presumptuous of you, Angel. How can you tell from looking at me if I'm happy?" Buffy says.
I look up at her face, into her gray eyes. "When you're happy your eyes are green, Buffy. When you're sad they are gray."
She looks past me, just over my shoulder, to a mirror hanging on the wall. Her mouth forms a round o. "Oh,"
"So can we start talking to each other at least and can you stop acting like you can't stand the sight of me?" I ask.
"Angel, I love the sight of you. It's the absence of the sight of you I'm worried about." She says.
"I don't know what else to do, Buffy. Help me out here. Tell me what to do to prove to you I'm staying. I just signed a two year lease agreement on a beautiful penthouse apartment. You want me to buy a house? I'll find a house. You want me to open a business here? I'll do it. I'm failing miserably at proving this to you, but I'm giving it everything I've got. So help me out." I throw my hands up in the air as I'm talking. I'm completely stretched to a breaking point here.
"It's not one big thing you can do, Angel. It's something you do everyday just by picking me up at the house and taking me home after work, by being there, by showing up." She explained.
I reach out to take her hand in mine. At first she resists but then relaxes and lets me hold her hand. "I'll spend the rest of my life proving that to you then, if you will let me."
"Let's take it one day at time, okay? I'm not 16 anymore. I don't think about the future. I don't plan for it because that just gets my hopes up and then it comes crashing down. Let's just focus on today." She says.
I swallow thickly. I wonder if I will ever get her back to the girl that lit up a room just by being in it, the girl that reminded me the world was a better place, even when she wasn't a part of my life, just because the world had her in it. That's another thing I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to do. "Today it is then." I want to ask her to dinner. I want to ask her to move in with me. I want to ask her to marry me. I think I've asked for enough today, just by asking that we talk to each other.
"Ok, so how does today go?" I ask.
She smiles. "Maybe you can pick me up from work and take me home. Then you can pick me up a few hours later for patrol and mocha chinos later?"
"That sounds like a perfect today." I say honestly.
"Oh, and the leather pants, you could wear them again, if you wanted to." She says with a grin.
-Buffy-
I open the can of soup and pour it into a bowl. I pop it into the microwave for a few minutes. The door opens.
"You here, Luv?" Spike yells as he walks in the door.
"Kitchen, sec." I yell back.
I grab my soup out of the microwave and walk into the living room. Spike is reclining on the couch. I sit down next to him. "I have blood if you want some." I say.
"Nah, thanks, Luv. Wanted to talk to you 'bout something." He says.
I cock an eyebrow at him. "Okay, I'm all ears, only not literally because that wouldn't be attractive."
"Here's the deal. I've been here what, four years. I've never been much for staying in one spot. It's time for me to move on." Spike says.
I bite my bottom lip and sigh. "Spike, is this-are you leaving because of Angel?"
"Not entirely, Luv, least not the reasons you think. You love him. I've known that for bleedin ever. I knew it when you came back from Heaven, I knew it when I got my soul and I knew it when you said you loved me. I have to admit I had hoped when I first moved here that time had changed things. I should have known better. The kind of love you and Peaches have doesn't change, or go away. I've said it before, I'll say it again, you'll both be in love 'til it bloody kills you."
"I don't want to love him. I've tried to change it, I've tried to stop and I can't. I never could. I never did, no matter how much I've told myself it didn't matter. The closest I've ever gotten to not loving him is right now and I still love him so much that the idea of him leaving me now is more then I can take." It's more then I intended to say, probably more then I've said to Spike in ages.
He smiles at me. "And you've lost every bit of yourself trying to get to this point, Luv. Look, I'm not a fan of the ponce. I never will be, but he loves you. He's been in love since the moment he saw you. He's just really bloody awful at it. Not everyone can be a natural." He winks at me and I smirk.
"Where are you going to go?" I ask.
"Not sure, really, Pet. Never been much of anywhere here in the states." He says.
"You'll write and call? I mean it. I don't want to have to wonder if someone managed to dust you." I say.
Spike chuckles. "I'm touched." He stands up and then just looks at me for a moment. "We had some good times, Slayer."
I stand up and catch him by surprise with a hug. Tears gather in my eyes. "I'm going to miss you, Spike. Thank you, for everything."
"Buffy, I can honestly say, it was my pleasure. One for the road?" He says looking down at me.
I tilt my face up and kiss him lightly on the mouth. "One for the road." I was right all those years ago when I told Angel Spike was in my heart. He is. He always will be.
-Angel-
Spike is just coming out of her apartment when I pull up in the car. He waits until I get out. I walk over to him. He lights a cigarette before speaking.
"Thought you should know, I'm leaving, but if you hurt her again I'll come back and kill you very slowly. I don't have the problems killing humans who deserve it like you do, Peaches."
I duck my head to hide the smile that comes to my face. "I'm not going to hurt her, if I can possibly help it."
"Not so encouraging. You've never tried to hurt her and yet you've succeeded remarkably." Spike says.
"You love her, don't you Spike?" I ask.
Spike takes a deep drag off his cigarette and looks me straight in the eyes. "Everybody loves her." He turns and walks off.
"Spike, if you need anything, call Wolfram and Hart. Hell, go back and pick up the Viper if you want it." What can I say? I'm feeling generous.
Spike grins at me. "Just might do that, Peaches. Might as well see the States in style."
-Buffy-
I'm supposed to be going over the slayer end of the Watcher's council stuff for Giles. I can't concentrate on it. All I can think about is Angel. I'm afraid to even hope that things are going good. I'm almost afraid to even think it. If I don't think it, don't hope for it, it can't hurt me. Or at least that's what I tell myself. Part of me tells myself it's only a matter of time before he leaves me again. Eventually he's going to decide that he can't make me happy, or give me the life I deserve. Or worse, now that's he's human he won't be able to deal with me being a slayer. He'll want a girly girl that isn't stronger then him, that doesn't have a destiny, that can't take a down a demon faster then he can organize a team to go retrieve said demon. Ok, so maybe those are some old Riley issues coming up, but they are valid arguments none the less.
I shove the stack of papers away from me. This is getting me nowhere very quickly. I can not spend the rest of my life like this. Maybe it was a mistake letting him get this close. Of course it was a mistake. I mean look what happened last time he got this close. He shattered my heart into a million pieces and left. Angel and I are like communism, we sound good in theory. It just doesn't work between the two of us. I honestly believe we were fated to meet, we were fated to fall in love and that I am his destiny. We were also fated to be apart. The Powers have proved this over and over. I can't give them a chance to prove it again. I'm gonna just have to walk away from him.
Angel chooses that exact moment to show up. I recognize the black Audi as it pulls up to the curb. He walks in the magic shop. He's actually whistling and he's whistling pretty badly. I don't think I've ever in my entire life heard Angel whistle. I scowl at him. He smiles at me and I order my stomach not to do that flip flop thing. It promptly disobeys.
Angel holds out an envelope for me. I take it and hold it in the tips of my fingers, looking at him warily.
"Well go ahead, it won't bite." He grins. He is entirely too happy about this.
I slip several sheets of carbon paper out of the envelope and look over it. I swallow thickly "Is this what I think it is?" I finally ask.
"I don't know. What do you think it is?" He asks.
"A two year lease agreement on an apartment." I say.
"Then yes, it's exactly what you think it is." He says.
The papers slide out of my fingers to the floor. "So what, we have coffee one night, I let you drive me to work on cold days, and you just assume I'll move back in with you? You assume I'm that desperate to get my hands on you that I'll drop my entire life so that I can move into your brand new apartment?" I'm yelling and I'm thankful there aren't actually any customers in the store.
"Wait, stop, no. I don't assume anything. The apartment is for me, just me. I wanted you to see the papers so you'd know I'm planning to stick around. I'm not leaving this time. And as for dropping your entire life, I'm dropping my entire life so I can move here, so I can be closer to you." Angel says.
I blush bright red. God, could I be any bitchier, apparently no. I mumble something that sounds like I'm sorry. Giles steps out of his office in the back of the store and clears his throat.
"I'm just going to go take my lunch break. I'll lock up for an hour or so." He leaves before I can stop him, turning and locking us in as he goes. We both watch him get into his car and drive away.
"Buffy, do you still love me?" Angel asks.
I look up at him. Tears glisten on my eye lashes and threaten to spill over. "I will always love you, Angel. I don't know who I am if I don't love you."
-Angel-
It takes every bit of willpower I have learned in the last two centuries not to wrap my arms around her and pull her into me. I know she'd run, or kick my ass and then run. Either way, I'd never get her back.
"Let's go sit down." I gesture over to the pair of arm chairs Giles has sitting near a window. She nods and walks over there. She sits on the edge of the chair, her arms wrapped around her body. Her back is curved, her head is dipped toward the floor. She sits in classic Buffy defense posture.
"Okay, here's the deal. I'm staying, for as long as you're here. You can't lose me, Buffy. Not this time. When I moved up here I rented a crappy apartment because it was close to yours. I didn't want to make permanent plans. I didn't want to interfere if you were happy but when I got here, I didn't think you were. I don't think you are." I say.
"That's kind of presumptuous of you, Angel. How can you tell from looking at me if I'm happy?" Buffy says.
I look up at her face, into her gray eyes. "When you're happy your eyes are green, Buffy. When you're sad they are gray."
She looks past me, just over my shoulder, to a mirror hanging on the wall. Her mouth forms a round o. "Oh,"
"So can we start talking to each other at least and can you stop acting like you can't stand the sight of me?" I ask.
"Angel, I love the sight of you. It's the absence of the sight of you I'm worried about." She says.
"I don't know what else to do, Buffy. Help me out here. Tell me what to do to prove to you I'm staying. I just signed a two year lease agreement on a beautiful penthouse apartment. You want me to buy a house? I'll find a house. You want me to open a business here? I'll do it. I'm failing miserably at proving this to you, but I'm giving it everything I've got. So help me out." I throw my hands up in the air as I'm talking. I'm completely stretched to a breaking point here.
"It's not one big thing you can do, Angel. It's something you do everyday just by picking me up at the house and taking me home after work, by being there, by showing up." She explained.
I reach out to take her hand in mine. At first she resists but then relaxes and lets me hold her hand. "I'll spend the rest of my life proving that to you then, if you will let me."
"Let's take it one day at time, okay? I'm not 16 anymore. I don't think about the future. I don't plan for it because that just gets my hopes up and then it comes crashing down. Let's just focus on today." She says.
I swallow thickly. I wonder if I will ever get her back to the girl that lit up a room just by being in it, the girl that reminded me the world was a better place, even when she wasn't a part of my life, just because the world had her in it. That's another thing I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to do. "Today it is then." I want to ask her to dinner. I want to ask her to move in with me. I want to ask her to marry me. I think I've asked for enough today, just by asking that we talk to each other.
"Ok, so how does today go?" I ask.
She smiles. "Maybe you can pick me up from work and take me home. Then you can pick me up a few hours later for patrol and mocha chinos later?"
"That sounds like a perfect today." I say honestly.
"Oh, and the leather pants, you could wear them again, if you wanted to." She says with a grin.
-Buffy-
I open the can of soup and pour it into a bowl. I pop it into the microwave for a few minutes. The door opens.
"You here, Luv?" Spike yells as he walks in the door.
"Kitchen, sec." I yell back.
I grab my soup out of the microwave and walk into the living room. Spike is reclining on the couch. I sit down next to him. "I have blood if you want some." I say.
"Nah, thanks, Luv. Wanted to talk to you 'bout something." He says.
I cock an eyebrow at him. "Okay, I'm all ears, only not literally because that wouldn't be attractive."
"Here's the deal. I've been here what, four years. I've never been much for staying in one spot. It's time for me to move on." Spike says.
I bite my bottom lip and sigh. "Spike, is this-are you leaving because of Angel?"
"Not entirely, Luv, least not the reasons you think. You love him. I've known that for bleedin ever. I knew it when you came back from Heaven, I knew it when I got my soul and I knew it when you said you loved me. I have to admit I had hoped when I first moved here that time had changed things. I should have known better. The kind of love you and Peaches have doesn't change, or go away. I've said it before, I'll say it again, you'll both be in love 'til it bloody kills you."
"I don't want to love him. I've tried to change it, I've tried to stop and I can't. I never could. I never did, no matter how much I've told myself it didn't matter. The closest I've ever gotten to not loving him is right now and I still love him so much that the idea of him leaving me now is more then I can take." It's more then I intended to say, probably more then I've said to Spike in ages.
He smiles at me. "And you've lost every bit of yourself trying to get to this point, Luv. Look, I'm not a fan of the ponce. I never will be, but he loves you. He's been in love since the moment he saw you. He's just really bloody awful at it. Not everyone can be a natural." He winks at me and I smirk.
"Where are you going to go?" I ask.
"Not sure, really, Pet. Never been much of anywhere here in the states." He says.
"You'll write and call? I mean it. I don't want to have to wonder if someone managed to dust you." I say.
Spike chuckles. "I'm touched." He stands up and then just looks at me for a moment. "We had some good times, Slayer."
I stand up and catch him by surprise with a hug. Tears gather in my eyes. "I'm going to miss you, Spike. Thank you, for everything."
"Buffy, I can honestly say, it was my pleasure. One for the road?" He says looking down at me.
I tilt my face up and kiss him lightly on the mouth. "One for the road." I was right all those years ago when I told Angel Spike was in my heart. He is. He always will be.
-Angel-
Spike is just coming out of her apartment when I pull up in the car. He waits until I get out. I walk over to him. He lights a cigarette before speaking.
"Thought you should know, I'm leaving, but if you hurt her again I'll come back and kill you very slowly. I don't have the problems killing humans who deserve it like you do, Peaches."
I duck my head to hide the smile that comes to my face. "I'm not going to hurt her, if I can possibly help it."
"Not so encouraging. You've never tried to hurt her and yet you've succeeded remarkably." Spike says.
"You love her, don't you Spike?" I ask.
Spike takes a deep drag off his cigarette and looks me straight in the eyes. "Everybody loves her." He turns and walks off.
"Spike, if you need anything, call Wolfram and Hart. Hell, go back and pick up the Viper if you want it." What can I say? I'm feeling generous.
Spike grins at me. "Just might do that, Peaches. Might as well see the States in style."