Stumble Into Grace- Chapter 13
-Angel-
The cell phone ringing wakes me up. I grumble and search blindly for the phone on the nightstand. I answer it and squint my eyes looking at the digital clock. Its 8 am Cleveland time.
"Angel, its Wes. I hate to disturb you, but we need you here, now."
"Wes, what's wrong? If I need to sign something, fax it over. Harmony has the number." I say.
"No, it's not that. Remember the Vinji and Sahrvin clans, they've had another disagreement. The only way they will organize a truce is if you're here to supervise it." Wes says.
I groan. "Can't Lorne do it? He speaks the language much better then I do."
"They both insist upon having you present. Of course Lorne will translate." Wes says.
"Dammit. Alright. Send the jet. I'll be there as soon as I can. I'm going to need a few hours, if I'm lucky, to explain to Buffy. Set the meetings up for tomorrow morning. I'm giving this one day and one day only. If I'm gone longer then that I might as well stay in LA because Buffy will kick my ass all the way out of Cleveland." I hang up the phone and get out of bed. I take a long hot shower and try and figure how the hell I'm going to tell Buffy that I've got to go to LA.
We're just beginning to make progress, if you can call it that. We talk on the short drive to and from work. I find myself wishing it was a longer drive so I could keep her closed in the car, all to myself. She actually skipped a patrol night and went to get coffee with me. We're supposed to go shopping for furniture for my apartment tomorrow. I've just got to figure out a way to explain this to her so she'll understand I'm not leaving.
I get dressed and call her apartment. She's got the day off from the magic shop. I stop and get bagels and coffee to take over there. I've never actually been inside her apartment and I'm shocked when I walk in. There is nothing here that looks like Buffy. The carpet is Berber. The walls are sterile white. There are no pictures hanging on the walls, no bright throw pillows on the plain beige couch. There are no candles sitting around the place. The only part of the entire place that looks like Buffy is a small sidebar that has some pictures on it. The one of Xander, Willow and Buffy from her first year at Sunnydale high is there. I can't help but smile at it. Buffy was so young. There is also one of Joyce and one of Dawn.
Buffy eagerly takes the coffee and bagels from me. She spreads strawberry cream cheese on the bagel and sits cross legged on the couch. I sit down beside her. She offers me cream cheese and I take it even though I haven't really developed a taste for it.
"So what's up? Did you decide you couldn't wait one day to go shopping with me?" She asks.
"No, actually I got a call from Wes this morning." I say, measuring my words, measuring her reaction.
"From LA?" Her voice falls and loses all emotion. I can almost see her drawing the little bit of herself she allowed out of the shell back in.
"Yes, but it's not what you think. There are these demon clans. Up until a few years ago they were warring. A lot of humans got caught in the cross fire, a lot of innocents. So several years ago I helped organize a truce between them. Apparently some more problems have come up and they want to talk again. They insist that I'm there, although I'm not exactly sure why. Wes says they won't even talk if I'm not there." I explain.
"I see. It's fine. I mean go, stay as long as you need to." She says. I can hear the hurt creep into her words, even though she's obviously trying to keep it out.
"One day, Buffy. That's all I'm going to be gone. The company plane is picking me up tonight and I'll fly back tomorrow night." I promise.
"You don't have to, Angel." She says.
"I know I don't have to. I want to. I'll be back. In fact," I take my wallet out of my pocket and fish out my Wolfram and Hart Company American Express card. I hold it out to her. "Take this, take Willow with you and go buy furniture for my apartment. Get whatever you think I'll like and have it all delivered." I dig my keys out of my pocket and take the apartment key off and hand that to her also. "Here's the key. If you have any problems with anything at all I'll have my cell phone. You can call it anytime."
She looks up at me doubtfully, holding the credit card and apartment key in her hands. "Are you sure?"
"I'm positive. I was going to let you pick out all the furnishings anyway." I say, which is mostly true. I hope one of these days she'll actually move into the apartment with me. I want her to feel comfortable in it.
She bites her bottom lip and looks up at me. Her painfully gray eyes glisten with tears she refuses to shed. "You're really coming back?" Her voice has that little girl lost quality to it that breaks my newly beating heart.
"I promise, Buffy. I'll always come back for you." I want to wrap my arms around her. I want to hold on to her so tightly that she knows I'm never letting go. I can't. I'm rarely even allowed to hold her hand and even then sometimes she skitters away like a frightened animal. I clench my fists in an effort not to reach out to her. I think she can sense that I'm losing the battle because she gets up and walks across the room.
"So, when does your plane leave?" she asks.
"I'm supposed to meet it there at 5." I answer.
"I'm supposed to go work with the newer slayers today. Usually one of the other girls does it, but I try to get up there once a month or so. Willow says it's good for their morale to see me since I'm almost twenty nine, a slayer and so much alive. If you wanted to come with me, you could. We should be back in plenty of time for you to leave." She sounds hesitant but she's already invited me and I'm not going to turn down a chance to be locked in a car with her.
-Buffy-
I go with him to the private airstrip. He's not taking a bag with him, and for some reason that's encouraging to me. I want so badly to throw my arms around him and beg him to come back to me. I don't. I wrap my arms around myself instead. If he doesn't come back I don't want the memory of last kisses, touches and words to haunt me. I've got enough of those to last an entire lifetime. The saying goodbye part is awkward. I don't know why, we've done this often enough it ought to be easy. He stands with his hands in his pockets. I stand at least two feet away from him, my arms wrapped around me.
"I'll be back tomorrow night." Angel says.
I nod. I'm afraid if I try to speak the only thing that will come out is begging or pleading or asking him yet again if he promises to come back. I don't want that. I want to be strong and stoic. I want to not need him, like that's ever going to happen.
"Make sure to call me anytime tomorrow if you have any problems with the credit cards or getting up to the apartment." He says.
I nod again. I know he wants me to say something. I can't. There is part of me that doesn't think he's coming back and that part is dying inside.
"Here," he fishes his car keys out of his pocket and holds them out for me. "Take the car. You'll need it for driving around town shopping. I can take a cab when I get back."
I silently accept the car keys. I clear my throat. My voice comes out little more then a strangled whisper. "I could come pick you up."
He smiles. It's one of those big silly smiles that I'm beginning to really like. It's not my smile, that little half grin that makes my stomach flip flop, but it's a smile that he seems to use a lot lately. It's a smile I've never seen before, when he was a vampire and Mr. Broody guy. "That would be great. I can call you when I find out what time we'll be landing."
I nod. The pilot leans out of the plane and shouts that they are ready for takeoff.
"I guess that's my cue." He says. "I promise I'll be back." He leans forward and places a very quick kiss on my forehead before turning to get in the plane.
I stand there watching until the plane is out of sight. I drive around town. I don't want to go back to the apartment. I don't want to give myself time to think about whether he's really coming back or not. I dust some vamps, thankful for the distraction. Finally it's getting late and I hate to go back to the apartment. It's funny; it's always the apartment or my apartment, never home. I know where home is, home is on a plane to Los Angeles right now and God can I just tell you how much I don't want that to be true. That doesn't mean it's not, doesn't mean it hasn't always been true.
I turn my electric mattress pad on and give the bed time to warm up before I slip between the sheets. Angel may be human now, but in my memories and in my dreams he still feels like cool sheets on a warm night.
*
The next morning I drive over to the magic shop. I hit the curb and wince. Angel will kill me if I destroy his car. I run into the shop. Willow is dusting things off.
"Giles, I'm borrowing Willow for the day! Call us if you need us." I grab Willow by the wrist and pull her outside.
"Angel's going with us and where are we going?" Will asks.
"No, Angel is in LA for the day. I have his car and his credit card. I'm supposed to get furniture for his apartment." I say.
"Nice. I've never gone shopping and spent someone else's money." Willow says sliding into the car.
"Me either. Let's go check out the apartment first. I haven't even seen it. Angel says it's huge though."
The doorman nods at us as we walk in the building. We take the elevator up to the sixteenth floor. I am stunned once we start walking around the apartment. I guess I shouldn't be. Angel always liked lots of space. There are two huge living rooms at opposite ends of the space. Each has its own working wood burning fireplace. The kitchen is enormous and would probably leave a chef panting with envy. The master bedroom is easily the size of my apartment, which isn't saying a lot but still. There are three other rooms that could be used for bedrooms or offices. The master bath has a luxurious sunken bathtub setting on a pedestal. There is also a shower the size of a walk in closet. There are hardwood floors throughout the place. There are also balconies off both living areas and the master bedroom.
"Wow, I knew Angel had good taste but wow." Willow says.
"I know. Shopping for this place is going to be daunting, to say the least. I don't even know where to begin." I say walking around in awe.
Willow and I are in an antique store on Washington looking for odds and ends for Angel's apartment. We've already bought a bunch of the main pieces, a huge carved wooden sleigh bed, a really beautiful taupe sectional couch, big screen TV and DVD player, some big overstuffed chairs, things like that. I'm looking for smaller pieces now like end tables, side bars, and lamps. I've already bought a couple of mirrors and some rugs to scatter around the apartment. My cell phone rings while we're contemplating an end table.
"Hello,"
"Hey, it's me. I'm on my way home." Angel's voice rumbles softly and I feel my heart jump into my throat. He's coming back, he's really come back. I have to remind myself to breathe. I reach out and hold onto Willow's shoulder for support.
"Ho-how long?" I manage to get out.
"The pilot says another hour or so. Are you okay?" he asks.
"I'm-yeah I'm okay." I answer. "Willow and I are shopping."
"Are you having fun?" he asks.
I take a minute to think about it. I don't remember the last time I had fun. "Yeah, I am. You could have told me the apartment is gianormous though."
He chuckles. "Sorry, I didn't think about it. I don't expect you to buy everything for it in one day."
"We didn't but you do have a bed to sleep on, a couch to sit on and I sort of bought you a TV and DVD player. I decided you had to get into this century sometime before the century is actually over."
"I can't wait to see yo-it. I can't wait to see it. You're still picking me up at the airport, right?" he says.
He can't wait to see me. He almost said it. He can't wait to see me. I feel like dancing in the middle of this very stuffy antique store. "Yeah, we'll leave now and I'll drop Willow off at her place then I'll be there waiting."
"Ok, see you then." He says.
"See you then," I hang up the phone. My knees are shaky. I sink down into a chair that I'm sure is eighteenth something or the other. The salesman will probably be over in a moment to sniff disapprovingly about me sitting down on the merchandise. Of course throwing up and then fainting would be so much nicer.
"Buffy, are you okay?" Willow asks. Her face is etched with concern.
I nod. "Gimme a second." I say. I can't get my brain to move past the he's coming back part. I take several deep breaths.
"He's on his way back." I say.
"That's a good thing, right?" Willow says.
I nod. "I just sort of assumed he wouldn't though. I'm used to him leaving. The coming back part is new." I say.
Willow smiles at me. "It shouldn't be. I mean he does leave but think about it, Buffy. He's always come back to you. And you guys never ever say goodbye, not even on the phone."
"Come on, let's finish up here. I've got someone to pick up at the airport." I stand up and start toward the register. I arrange to have everything we bought delivered to the apartment tomorrow. Angel is going to busy doing a lot of moving.
I'm waiting in the car when the plane lands. Of course watching it come in I had all these horrible images of it crashing and burning, but thankfully it does none of those things. I get out of the car and stand beside it while the small door folds down. Angel hunches over and comes through. He smiles one of those big goofy grins when he sees me. I walk toward him with my hands folded behind my back. He stops inches from me and just looks down at me. The grin melts from his face and his eyes take on an intense hungry look. I blush and look down at the pavement. My right hand snakes out and my fingers entwine with his. He smiles at me again and it's my grin, crooked and ever so adorable. I can't help it, I smile at him.
-Angel-
I lay in bed on my back with my hands under my head. I'm grinning up at the ceiling like the goofy idiot I am. I don't care that Buffy wouldn't hug me or kiss me or come back to my apartment with me. She held my hand and she smiled at me. Best of all, when I dropped her off at her apartment she looked at me and her gray eyes had just the smallest bit of green in them, like the ocean after a storm.
-Angel-
The cell phone ringing wakes me up. I grumble and search blindly for the phone on the nightstand. I answer it and squint my eyes looking at the digital clock. Its 8 am Cleveland time.
"Angel, its Wes. I hate to disturb you, but we need you here, now."
"Wes, what's wrong? If I need to sign something, fax it over. Harmony has the number." I say.
"No, it's not that. Remember the Vinji and Sahrvin clans, they've had another disagreement. The only way they will organize a truce is if you're here to supervise it." Wes says.
I groan. "Can't Lorne do it? He speaks the language much better then I do."
"They both insist upon having you present. Of course Lorne will translate." Wes says.
"Dammit. Alright. Send the jet. I'll be there as soon as I can. I'm going to need a few hours, if I'm lucky, to explain to Buffy. Set the meetings up for tomorrow morning. I'm giving this one day and one day only. If I'm gone longer then that I might as well stay in LA because Buffy will kick my ass all the way out of Cleveland." I hang up the phone and get out of bed. I take a long hot shower and try and figure how the hell I'm going to tell Buffy that I've got to go to LA.
We're just beginning to make progress, if you can call it that. We talk on the short drive to and from work. I find myself wishing it was a longer drive so I could keep her closed in the car, all to myself. She actually skipped a patrol night and went to get coffee with me. We're supposed to go shopping for furniture for my apartment tomorrow. I've just got to figure out a way to explain this to her so she'll understand I'm not leaving.
I get dressed and call her apartment. She's got the day off from the magic shop. I stop and get bagels and coffee to take over there. I've never actually been inside her apartment and I'm shocked when I walk in. There is nothing here that looks like Buffy. The carpet is Berber. The walls are sterile white. There are no pictures hanging on the walls, no bright throw pillows on the plain beige couch. There are no candles sitting around the place. The only part of the entire place that looks like Buffy is a small sidebar that has some pictures on it. The one of Xander, Willow and Buffy from her first year at Sunnydale high is there. I can't help but smile at it. Buffy was so young. There is also one of Joyce and one of Dawn.
Buffy eagerly takes the coffee and bagels from me. She spreads strawberry cream cheese on the bagel and sits cross legged on the couch. I sit down beside her. She offers me cream cheese and I take it even though I haven't really developed a taste for it.
"So what's up? Did you decide you couldn't wait one day to go shopping with me?" She asks.
"No, actually I got a call from Wes this morning." I say, measuring my words, measuring her reaction.
"From LA?" Her voice falls and loses all emotion. I can almost see her drawing the little bit of herself she allowed out of the shell back in.
"Yes, but it's not what you think. There are these demon clans. Up until a few years ago they were warring. A lot of humans got caught in the cross fire, a lot of innocents. So several years ago I helped organize a truce between them. Apparently some more problems have come up and they want to talk again. They insist that I'm there, although I'm not exactly sure why. Wes says they won't even talk if I'm not there." I explain.
"I see. It's fine. I mean go, stay as long as you need to." She says. I can hear the hurt creep into her words, even though she's obviously trying to keep it out.
"One day, Buffy. That's all I'm going to be gone. The company plane is picking me up tonight and I'll fly back tomorrow night." I promise.
"You don't have to, Angel." She says.
"I know I don't have to. I want to. I'll be back. In fact," I take my wallet out of my pocket and fish out my Wolfram and Hart Company American Express card. I hold it out to her. "Take this, take Willow with you and go buy furniture for my apartment. Get whatever you think I'll like and have it all delivered." I dig my keys out of my pocket and take the apartment key off and hand that to her also. "Here's the key. If you have any problems with anything at all I'll have my cell phone. You can call it anytime."
She looks up at me doubtfully, holding the credit card and apartment key in her hands. "Are you sure?"
"I'm positive. I was going to let you pick out all the furnishings anyway." I say, which is mostly true. I hope one of these days she'll actually move into the apartment with me. I want her to feel comfortable in it.
She bites her bottom lip and looks up at me. Her painfully gray eyes glisten with tears she refuses to shed. "You're really coming back?" Her voice has that little girl lost quality to it that breaks my newly beating heart.
"I promise, Buffy. I'll always come back for you." I want to wrap my arms around her. I want to hold on to her so tightly that she knows I'm never letting go. I can't. I'm rarely even allowed to hold her hand and even then sometimes she skitters away like a frightened animal. I clench my fists in an effort not to reach out to her. I think she can sense that I'm losing the battle because she gets up and walks across the room.
"So, when does your plane leave?" she asks.
"I'm supposed to meet it there at 5." I answer.
"I'm supposed to go work with the newer slayers today. Usually one of the other girls does it, but I try to get up there once a month or so. Willow says it's good for their morale to see me since I'm almost twenty nine, a slayer and so much alive. If you wanted to come with me, you could. We should be back in plenty of time for you to leave." She sounds hesitant but she's already invited me and I'm not going to turn down a chance to be locked in a car with her.
-Buffy-
I go with him to the private airstrip. He's not taking a bag with him, and for some reason that's encouraging to me. I want so badly to throw my arms around him and beg him to come back to me. I don't. I wrap my arms around myself instead. If he doesn't come back I don't want the memory of last kisses, touches and words to haunt me. I've got enough of those to last an entire lifetime. The saying goodbye part is awkward. I don't know why, we've done this often enough it ought to be easy. He stands with his hands in his pockets. I stand at least two feet away from him, my arms wrapped around me.
"I'll be back tomorrow night." Angel says.
I nod. I'm afraid if I try to speak the only thing that will come out is begging or pleading or asking him yet again if he promises to come back. I don't want that. I want to be strong and stoic. I want to not need him, like that's ever going to happen.
"Make sure to call me anytime tomorrow if you have any problems with the credit cards or getting up to the apartment." He says.
I nod again. I know he wants me to say something. I can't. There is part of me that doesn't think he's coming back and that part is dying inside.
"Here," he fishes his car keys out of his pocket and holds them out for me. "Take the car. You'll need it for driving around town shopping. I can take a cab when I get back."
I silently accept the car keys. I clear my throat. My voice comes out little more then a strangled whisper. "I could come pick you up."
He smiles. It's one of those big silly smiles that I'm beginning to really like. It's not my smile, that little half grin that makes my stomach flip flop, but it's a smile that he seems to use a lot lately. It's a smile I've never seen before, when he was a vampire and Mr. Broody guy. "That would be great. I can call you when I find out what time we'll be landing."
I nod. The pilot leans out of the plane and shouts that they are ready for takeoff.
"I guess that's my cue." He says. "I promise I'll be back." He leans forward and places a very quick kiss on my forehead before turning to get in the plane.
I stand there watching until the plane is out of sight. I drive around town. I don't want to go back to the apartment. I don't want to give myself time to think about whether he's really coming back or not. I dust some vamps, thankful for the distraction. Finally it's getting late and I hate to go back to the apartment. It's funny; it's always the apartment or my apartment, never home. I know where home is, home is on a plane to Los Angeles right now and God can I just tell you how much I don't want that to be true. That doesn't mean it's not, doesn't mean it hasn't always been true.
I turn my electric mattress pad on and give the bed time to warm up before I slip between the sheets. Angel may be human now, but in my memories and in my dreams he still feels like cool sheets on a warm night.
*
The next morning I drive over to the magic shop. I hit the curb and wince. Angel will kill me if I destroy his car. I run into the shop. Willow is dusting things off.
"Giles, I'm borrowing Willow for the day! Call us if you need us." I grab Willow by the wrist and pull her outside.
"Angel's going with us and where are we going?" Will asks.
"No, Angel is in LA for the day. I have his car and his credit card. I'm supposed to get furniture for his apartment." I say.
"Nice. I've never gone shopping and spent someone else's money." Willow says sliding into the car.
"Me either. Let's go check out the apartment first. I haven't even seen it. Angel says it's huge though."
The doorman nods at us as we walk in the building. We take the elevator up to the sixteenth floor. I am stunned once we start walking around the apartment. I guess I shouldn't be. Angel always liked lots of space. There are two huge living rooms at opposite ends of the space. Each has its own working wood burning fireplace. The kitchen is enormous and would probably leave a chef panting with envy. The master bedroom is easily the size of my apartment, which isn't saying a lot but still. There are three other rooms that could be used for bedrooms or offices. The master bath has a luxurious sunken bathtub setting on a pedestal. There is also a shower the size of a walk in closet. There are hardwood floors throughout the place. There are also balconies off both living areas and the master bedroom.
"Wow, I knew Angel had good taste but wow." Willow says.
"I know. Shopping for this place is going to be daunting, to say the least. I don't even know where to begin." I say walking around in awe.
Willow and I are in an antique store on Washington looking for odds and ends for Angel's apartment. We've already bought a bunch of the main pieces, a huge carved wooden sleigh bed, a really beautiful taupe sectional couch, big screen TV and DVD player, some big overstuffed chairs, things like that. I'm looking for smaller pieces now like end tables, side bars, and lamps. I've already bought a couple of mirrors and some rugs to scatter around the apartment. My cell phone rings while we're contemplating an end table.
"Hello,"
"Hey, it's me. I'm on my way home." Angel's voice rumbles softly and I feel my heart jump into my throat. He's coming back, he's really come back. I have to remind myself to breathe. I reach out and hold onto Willow's shoulder for support.
"Ho-how long?" I manage to get out.
"The pilot says another hour or so. Are you okay?" he asks.
"I'm-yeah I'm okay." I answer. "Willow and I are shopping."
"Are you having fun?" he asks.
I take a minute to think about it. I don't remember the last time I had fun. "Yeah, I am. You could have told me the apartment is gianormous though."
He chuckles. "Sorry, I didn't think about it. I don't expect you to buy everything for it in one day."
"We didn't but you do have a bed to sleep on, a couch to sit on and I sort of bought you a TV and DVD player. I decided you had to get into this century sometime before the century is actually over."
"I can't wait to see yo-it. I can't wait to see it. You're still picking me up at the airport, right?" he says.
He can't wait to see me. He almost said it. He can't wait to see me. I feel like dancing in the middle of this very stuffy antique store. "Yeah, we'll leave now and I'll drop Willow off at her place then I'll be there waiting."
"Ok, see you then." He says.
"See you then," I hang up the phone. My knees are shaky. I sink down into a chair that I'm sure is eighteenth something or the other. The salesman will probably be over in a moment to sniff disapprovingly about me sitting down on the merchandise. Of course throwing up and then fainting would be so much nicer.
"Buffy, are you okay?" Willow asks. Her face is etched with concern.
I nod. "Gimme a second." I say. I can't get my brain to move past the he's coming back part. I take several deep breaths.
"He's on his way back." I say.
"That's a good thing, right?" Willow says.
I nod. "I just sort of assumed he wouldn't though. I'm used to him leaving. The coming back part is new." I say.
Willow smiles at me. "It shouldn't be. I mean he does leave but think about it, Buffy. He's always come back to you. And you guys never ever say goodbye, not even on the phone."
"Come on, let's finish up here. I've got someone to pick up at the airport." I stand up and start toward the register. I arrange to have everything we bought delivered to the apartment tomorrow. Angel is going to busy doing a lot of moving.
I'm waiting in the car when the plane lands. Of course watching it come in I had all these horrible images of it crashing and burning, but thankfully it does none of those things. I get out of the car and stand beside it while the small door folds down. Angel hunches over and comes through. He smiles one of those big goofy grins when he sees me. I walk toward him with my hands folded behind my back. He stops inches from me and just looks down at me. The grin melts from his face and his eyes take on an intense hungry look. I blush and look down at the pavement. My right hand snakes out and my fingers entwine with his. He smiles at me again and it's my grin, crooked and ever so adorable. I can't help it, I smile at him.
-Angel-
I lay in bed on my back with my hands under my head. I'm grinning up at the ceiling like the goofy idiot I am. I don't care that Buffy wouldn't hug me or kiss me or come back to my apartment with me. She held my hand and she smiled at me. Best of all, when I dropped her off at her apartment she looked at me and her gray eyes had just the smallest bit of green in them, like the ocean after a storm.