Stumble Into Grace- Chapter 14
-Angel-
Buffy is coming over to watch movies at my new apartment. It's taken me almost a week but it looks like someone lives there now, at least in most of the rooms. I had some pieces of art sent from LA so it feels more like me. I love the furniture Buffy picked. It's all big heavy pieces in dark and neutral colors. Every thing has texture and encourages you to pull up a seat and stay awhile. I hadn't realized she'd paid so much attention to the few furnishings I in Sunnydale. The only thing I don't have is a dining room table. I haven't found one yet that I like enough to buy. Buffy assures me that it's fine I don't have a dining room table. We're eating pizza tonight on the couch in front of the TV. I wanted dinner with candlelight and romantic music. I wanted everything to be perfect for our first date, but Buffy suggested this so that's what we're doing.
She knocks on the door, even though she has a key. I open the door, staying behind it in case a beam of sunlight comes through, even though it's night, even though the sun is no longer fatal to me. Old habits are hard to break. She half smiles at me and holds up a bag.
"I've got movies and microwave popcorn."
"I ordered pizza, with everything on it. That's okay right?" I ask.
"That's perfect. And you're sure you haven't had pizza before? You're not just telling me this?" Buffy asks.
I chuckle. "I haven't had pizza before, at least not since I've been human. Fred is really big on Thai food so we always had a lot of that."
"Goody. I get to introduce you to pizza." She smiles and it's one that almost reaches her eyes, which I think are a little more gray green then they were yesterday. If she'll smile like that, I'll let her introduce me to anything.
"So what movies do we have?" I ask.
"The Princess Bride, my all time favorite and Moulin Rouge except Willow says we have to stop it after Christian and Satine sing their song together at the end so that it has a happy ending." She says.
I furrow my brow and look at her. "Wait a minute; they made a movie about the Moulin Rouge?"
"Yeah, it's a musical. Don't tell me you've seen it. It has Nicole Kidman and Ewan MacGregor in it." She says.
"No. I haven't seen the movie. I just-you're sure it's about the Moulin Rouge?" I ask.
"Well, duh, the title of the movie is Moulin Rouge. Why?" Buffy asks
"Well, Buffy, I've been to the Moulin Rouge in Paris and there's no way they could possibly make a movie that you would like." I say. There's no way they could make anything but a porno out of the real Moulin Rouge. And please God don't let Buffy have brought over a porno, wait what am I saying? Please God let Buffy have brought over a porno but only if she's staying.
"Please don't tell me you ate the dancers there." Buffy says.
"Well, not the dancers." I confess.
"Never tell me. I want to pretend the Moulin Rouge is dancing and singing and pretty girls." Buffy says to me with a grin.
"The girls were pretty." I tease her.
The doorbell rings, announcing the arrival of our pizza. Buffy grabs sodas out of refrigerator for us. I pay for the pizza and set it on the big coffee table in front of the TV.
"Which movie first?" I ask
"Moulin Rouge, that way I can go to sleep with Wesley and Buttercup in my dreams." Buffy says curling up on the couch.
"Wesley and Buttercup?" I ask. I'm trying to figure out the DVD player.
"They are the characters in The Princess Bride, you'll see." She says.
Buffy stands up and pushes a button on the face of the player. It opens. I look bashfully at her and put the DVD in it. She curls back up on the couch and pats the place next to her. "Sit by me."
As if there is any other place I'd rather sit.
*
Buffy stops Moulin Rouge right after Christian and Satine finish their song. She sits back on the couch with a small smile on her face. "I love happy endings." She says.
"So how does it really end?" I ask.
Buffy wrinkles her nose. "She dies in his arms. She had TB."
"The real ending is more realistic." I say.
Buffy rolls her eyes. "I think I've had enough realism in our relationship to last a couple of lifetimes at least. I'll take happy endings please."
"I'll do my very best. Ready for the next movie?"
"Yes. I'm going to start popcorn. You go ahead and start it." She says. She gets up and walks in the kitchen. She acts like she lives there and it lets me imagine for just a little while that she does.
She comes back into the living room with a big bowl full of popcorn. She settles down next to me, ducking under my arm. She's not quite snuggled up next to me but she's not very far from me either. I'll take what I can get.
I enjoy this movie, more then Moulin Rouge. As the movie gets further and further along, Buffy sneaks closer and closer to me. She's fascinating to watch, more so then the movie. She actually laughs and I didn't realize how much I'd missed that sound. I even catch her whispering the lines along with the movie under her breath and I know when a good part is coming because she smiles before it happens. I notice while she's watching the movie her eyes are almost green. When Wesley and Buttercup roll down the hill she snuggles up flush with me, her head on my chest. By the time the movie is over she's snuggled tightly against me, almost asleep. I start to get up and turn the movie off.
"No, stay right here, just let me listen a little while longer." She mumbles sleepily. It takes me a moment to realize she's listening to my heart beat. I gulp and smooth her hair back from her face.
"You can listen as long as you want." I whisper.
We fall asleep like that. I'm half sitting up with one hand on her hip and the other on her back. She's lying down with her ear over my heart snoring softly. In my entire life, human or other wise, there has never been a sweeter night.
*
Sometime during the night she jerks awake. I wake up to find her sitting looking around franticly.
"Buffy," I say sleepily.
"Angel?" She asks my name, as if she can't believe I'm real.
"I'm right here, Baby." I reach a hand out to touch her shoulder and jumps. "Hey, it's okay." I lean over and flip on a small lamp. The room is bathed in too bright amber light. I squint my eyes and shut the lamp back off. I get up and stumble to the hallway and turn the light on there. It casts the room in soft light. Buffy is sitting in the corner of the couch with her knees drawn up to her chest. I sit down close to her on the couch, but not to close. I don't want to crowd her, not yet.
She looks at me with wide teary eyes. I reach out to her and she almost knocks me back with the force that she scrambles into my lap.
"You left me. You promised to never leave me." She sobs into my chest. I wrap my arms around her and kiss the crown of her head.
"It was a dream, Baby. I'm not leaving you, ever. I promise." I take a deep breath and inhale the scent of her. It's not overwhelming like it once was but it's nice. It feels like she's all around me.
"Say it again." She whispers.
"I promise, I'm never leaving you, Buffy." I whisper.
"Again."
"I promise I'm never leaving you." I bury my nose in her air and clench my teeth to keep the sobs that threaten to rack my body in. I had no idea the damage I caused her would reach this far. I thought because she was strong, the slayer, she'd be okay. I thought her emotional wounds would heal as fast as her physical wounds. They didn't though. They festered and ate away at her little by little until nearly everything that was Buffy was gone and all that was left was a scared little girl in a hard shell. I stroke her back and murmur soft words to her. I sing a Gaelic lullaby that my mother sang to me and Kathy when we were small. Slowly her tiny body relaxes. Her breathing becomes even. If I were still a vampire I would hear her heart slow down.
"Angel, do I have to go back to my apartment?" She asks sleepily.
"Never." I answer. I know she's not really awake and I know in the morning that she'll want to go home. I just hope she won't be sorry that she stayed the night in my arms.
-Buffy-
I wake up in the morning lying on top of Angel. His arms are thrown around my waist. For a moment I let myself lay there, listening to his heart, marveling at his beauty. The warmth of his skin seems foreign but nice. Parts of me want to close my eyes and pretend this can go on forever. It can't, even if we both wanted it to the world would interfere. I manage to wiggle out of his embrace and lock myself in the bathroom. I splash cold water on my skin and make a face at myself in the mirror.
"Nice way to not fall right back into getting your heart broken, Buffy." I tell my reflection. "Might as well put a sign on my forehead that says Leave me again Angel I'll just take you right back." I mutter. I run my fingers through my hair. It's a rat's nest as usual when I wake up. I scrub a finger over my teeth and rinse my mouth out with water. I hear him calling for me. I decide that's the best I can do with what I have and open the door.
"I'm here." I say.
Angel pokes his head around the doorway and smiles at me. "Eggs and bacon or pancakes for breakfast?"
I might as well eat while I'm here. "Pancakes." I say.
I go sit at the bar in the kitchen and watch him make pancakes. He cooks surprisingly well for someone who's only been eating four months. We eat our pancakes silently.
"Angel, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep here last night. I just-after the movie I was-I didn't want-"I give up trying to explain. The truth is I didn't want to leave. I wanted to pretend that Angel and I didn't have all the painful history we have. That he was just a boy and I was just a girl and we were falling in love for the first time.
"Buffy, its okay. I'm not going to tell you that I didn't enjoy getting to sleep all night with you in my arms, because I did, but I know it didn't mean anything. I know we still have a long way to go and a lot to make up for. If you haven't noticed I'm letting you drive this relationship. You decide how fast, how much, everything, as long as I get to be there, I'm happy."
I can't help but smile at him. He's trying so hard. I take a deep breath. We both might as well be upfront and honest since we're starting this thing out brand new. "I know and thank you. I'm trying. I know it may seem like I'm just being Bitchy Buffy, but I'm not, or at least I'm not trying to be. Every time I think I'm going to be able to let you in and let all the ugliness in the past go, I have a nightmare like last night and all the old pain gets drug up again."
He smiles at me and cups my cheek with his hand. "Give it time, Baby. I'm not going anywhere."
God please let it be true this time.
-Angel-
Buffy is coming over to watch movies at my new apartment. It's taken me almost a week but it looks like someone lives there now, at least in most of the rooms. I had some pieces of art sent from LA so it feels more like me. I love the furniture Buffy picked. It's all big heavy pieces in dark and neutral colors. Every thing has texture and encourages you to pull up a seat and stay awhile. I hadn't realized she'd paid so much attention to the few furnishings I in Sunnydale. The only thing I don't have is a dining room table. I haven't found one yet that I like enough to buy. Buffy assures me that it's fine I don't have a dining room table. We're eating pizza tonight on the couch in front of the TV. I wanted dinner with candlelight and romantic music. I wanted everything to be perfect for our first date, but Buffy suggested this so that's what we're doing.
She knocks on the door, even though she has a key. I open the door, staying behind it in case a beam of sunlight comes through, even though it's night, even though the sun is no longer fatal to me. Old habits are hard to break. She half smiles at me and holds up a bag.
"I've got movies and microwave popcorn."
"I ordered pizza, with everything on it. That's okay right?" I ask.
"That's perfect. And you're sure you haven't had pizza before? You're not just telling me this?" Buffy asks.
I chuckle. "I haven't had pizza before, at least not since I've been human. Fred is really big on Thai food so we always had a lot of that."
"Goody. I get to introduce you to pizza." She smiles and it's one that almost reaches her eyes, which I think are a little more gray green then they were yesterday. If she'll smile like that, I'll let her introduce me to anything.
"So what movies do we have?" I ask.
"The Princess Bride, my all time favorite and Moulin Rouge except Willow says we have to stop it after Christian and Satine sing their song together at the end so that it has a happy ending." She says.
I furrow my brow and look at her. "Wait a minute; they made a movie about the Moulin Rouge?"
"Yeah, it's a musical. Don't tell me you've seen it. It has Nicole Kidman and Ewan MacGregor in it." She says.
"No. I haven't seen the movie. I just-you're sure it's about the Moulin Rouge?" I ask.
"Well, duh, the title of the movie is Moulin Rouge. Why?" Buffy asks
"Well, Buffy, I've been to the Moulin Rouge in Paris and there's no way they could possibly make a movie that you would like." I say. There's no way they could make anything but a porno out of the real Moulin Rouge. And please God don't let Buffy have brought over a porno, wait what am I saying? Please God let Buffy have brought over a porno but only if she's staying.
"Please don't tell me you ate the dancers there." Buffy says.
"Well, not the dancers." I confess.
"Never tell me. I want to pretend the Moulin Rouge is dancing and singing and pretty girls." Buffy says to me with a grin.
"The girls were pretty." I tease her.
The doorbell rings, announcing the arrival of our pizza. Buffy grabs sodas out of refrigerator for us. I pay for the pizza and set it on the big coffee table in front of the TV.
"Which movie first?" I ask
"Moulin Rouge, that way I can go to sleep with Wesley and Buttercup in my dreams." Buffy says curling up on the couch.
"Wesley and Buttercup?" I ask. I'm trying to figure out the DVD player.
"They are the characters in The Princess Bride, you'll see." She says.
Buffy stands up and pushes a button on the face of the player. It opens. I look bashfully at her and put the DVD in it. She curls back up on the couch and pats the place next to her. "Sit by me."
As if there is any other place I'd rather sit.
*
Buffy stops Moulin Rouge right after Christian and Satine finish their song. She sits back on the couch with a small smile on her face. "I love happy endings." She says.
"So how does it really end?" I ask.
Buffy wrinkles her nose. "She dies in his arms. She had TB."
"The real ending is more realistic." I say.
Buffy rolls her eyes. "I think I've had enough realism in our relationship to last a couple of lifetimes at least. I'll take happy endings please."
"I'll do my very best. Ready for the next movie?"
"Yes. I'm going to start popcorn. You go ahead and start it." She says. She gets up and walks in the kitchen. She acts like she lives there and it lets me imagine for just a little while that she does.
She comes back into the living room with a big bowl full of popcorn. She settles down next to me, ducking under my arm. She's not quite snuggled up next to me but she's not very far from me either. I'll take what I can get.
I enjoy this movie, more then Moulin Rouge. As the movie gets further and further along, Buffy sneaks closer and closer to me. She's fascinating to watch, more so then the movie. She actually laughs and I didn't realize how much I'd missed that sound. I even catch her whispering the lines along with the movie under her breath and I know when a good part is coming because she smiles before it happens. I notice while she's watching the movie her eyes are almost green. When Wesley and Buttercup roll down the hill she snuggles up flush with me, her head on my chest. By the time the movie is over she's snuggled tightly against me, almost asleep. I start to get up and turn the movie off.
"No, stay right here, just let me listen a little while longer." She mumbles sleepily. It takes me a moment to realize she's listening to my heart beat. I gulp and smooth her hair back from her face.
"You can listen as long as you want." I whisper.
We fall asleep like that. I'm half sitting up with one hand on her hip and the other on her back. She's lying down with her ear over my heart snoring softly. In my entire life, human or other wise, there has never been a sweeter night.
*
Sometime during the night she jerks awake. I wake up to find her sitting looking around franticly.
"Buffy," I say sleepily.
"Angel?" She asks my name, as if she can't believe I'm real.
"I'm right here, Baby." I reach a hand out to touch her shoulder and jumps. "Hey, it's okay." I lean over and flip on a small lamp. The room is bathed in too bright amber light. I squint my eyes and shut the lamp back off. I get up and stumble to the hallway and turn the light on there. It casts the room in soft light. Buffy is sitting in the corner of the couch with her knees drawn up to her chest. I sit down close to her on the couch, but not to close. I don't want to crowd her, not yet.
She looks at me with wide teary eyes. I reach out to her and she almost knocks me back with the force that she scrambles into my lap.
"You left me. You promised to never leave me." She sobs into my chest. I wrap my arms around her and kiss the crown of her head.
"It was a dream, Baby. I'm not leaving you, ever. I promise." I take a deep breath and inhale the scent of her. It's not overwhelming like it once was but it's nice. It feels like she's all around me.
"Say it again." She whispers.
"I promise, I'm never leaving you, Buffy." I whisper.
"Again."
"I promise I'm never leaving you." I bury my nose in her air and clench my teeth to keep the sobs that threaten to rack my body in. I had no idea the damage I caused her would reach this far. I thought because she was strong, the slayer, she'd be okay. I thought her emotional wounds would heal as fast as her physical wounds. They didn't though. They festered and ate away at her little by little until nearly everything that was Buffy was gone and all that was left was a scared little girl in a hard shell. I stroke her back and murmur soft words to her. I sing a Gaelic lullaby that my mother sang to me and Kathy when we were small. Slowly her tiny body relaxes. Her breathing becomes even. If I were still a vampire I would hear her heart slow down.
"Angel, do I have to go back to my apartment?" She asks sleepily.
"Never." I answer. I know she's not really awake and I know in the morning that she'll want to go home. I just hope she won't be sorry that she stayed the night in my arms.
-Buffy-
I wake up in the morning lying on top of Angel. His arms are thrown around my waist. For a moment I let myself lay there, listening to his heart, marveling at his beauty. The warmth of his skin seems foreign but nice. Parts of me want to close my eyes and pretend this can go on forever. It can't, even if we both wanted it to the world would interfere. I manage to wiggle out of his embrace and lock myself in the bathroom. I splash cold water on my skin and make a face at myself in the mirror.
"Nice way to not fall right back into getting your heart broken, Buffy." I tell my reflection. "Might as well put a sign on my forehead that says Leave me again Angel I'll just take you right back." I mutter. I run my fingers through my hair. It's a rat's nest as usual when I wake up. I scrub a finger over my teeth and rinse my mouth out with water. I hear him calling for me. I decide that's the best I can do with what I have and open the door.
"I'm here." I say.
Angel pokes his head around the doorway and smiles at me. "Eggs and bacon or pancakes for breakfast?"
I might as well eat while I'm here. "Pancakes." I say.
I go sit at the bar in the kitchen and watch him make pancakes. He cooks surprisingly well for someone who's only been eating four months. We eat our pancakes silently.
"Angel, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep here last night. I just-after the movie I was-I didn't want-"I give up trying to explain. The truth is I didn't want to leave. I wanted to pretend that Angel and I didn't have all the painful history we have. That he was just a boy and I was just a girl and we were falling in love for the first time.
"Buffy, its okay. I'm not going to tell you that I didn't enjoy getting to sleep all night with you in my arms, because I did, but I know it didn't mean anything. I know we still have a long way to go and a lot to make up for. If you haven't noticed I'm letting you drive this relationship. You decide how fast, how much, everything, as long as I get to be there, I'm happy."
I can't help but smile at him. He's trying so hard. I take a deep breath. We both might as well be upfront and honest since we're starting this thing out brand new. "I know and thank you. I'm trying. I know it may seem like I'm just being Bitchy Buffy, but I'm not, or at least I'm not trying to be. Every time I think I'm going to be able to let you in and let all the ugliness in the past go, I have a nightmare like last night and all the old pain gets drug up again."
He smiles at me and cups my cheek with his hand. "Give it time, Baby. I'm not going anywhere."
God please let it be true this time.