Stumble Into Grace- Chapter 16
-Angel-
She weeps in her sleep. I don't know if it's part of Willow's spell or not. I hold her tight, her back curved against my stomach. I bury my nose in the nape of her neck and take deep breaths of her. It bothers me I can't tell anything by her scent, other then she still wears vanilla perfume. As a vampire I could ascertain that she was okay or hurt, or sad or scared by her scent alone. Now all I know is she wears vanilla perfume. I place a kiss on the nape of her neck and weep with her.
It's almost dawn when she starts talking in her sleep.
"Not enough time. I'll never forget, I'll never forget, I'll never forget." She murmurs.
My blood runs cold.
She wakes up and turns to me with sleepy gray eyes. There are still fresh tears on her cheeks. Her bottom lip trembles and I want to rewind time. I want to go back to the twizzler war and call Willow and tell her not to do the spell.
"I had the weirdest dream." She murmurs.
"Tell me about it." I manage to croak out. I want to press my mouth to hers and whisper go back to sleep, go back to sleep so this doesn't have to happen.
"You were human." She says in her sleepy voice.
"I am human, Buffy." I whisper into her hair.
"No, before, you were human before. I was there you found me on the beach. You kissed me in the daylight. We went to your apartment, the one you had at first in LA. We had tea and I was going to go home but then I touched you, couldn't stop after we touched, needed more, wanted more. We broke your table. We ate ice cream, and peanut butter and chocolate in your bed. You promised me if I went to sleep we'd make another day just like it. You broke your promise, Angel. We didn't. You asked some Oracles to take it back. You wanted to be a superhero again." Her voice is no longer sleepy but it's broken.
I don't say anything. I keep her close and take a deep breath of her. I memorize the feel of her, the smell of her. I know I'm never going to have this again.
"It wasn't a dream, was it Angel?" she asks.
I take another deep breath of her. I kiss the crown of her head. "No, it wasn't a dream. You hit most of the highlights, but you're wrong about why I took it back. If I stayed human, you would die. I couldn't be human if the price was your life. So I came back to the apartment I told you what I'd done. We kissed; we held each other and cried. You swore you'd never forget and then you did. The Oracles swallowed the day, you couldn't have remembered because it never happened." I say.
"I died anyway. I died and you gave up your humanity for nothing. You took away time that we could have had together." She says. She doesn't raise her voice. It's just got that horrible broken quality to it.
"Maybe, but we wouldn't have this." I say.
"This? This could end tomorrow. Sure I'm not the only one anymore but I'm still a slayer. Are you going to give this a test run too? Can you give it back if you don't like?" she asks.
I shake my head. "No, Buffy, this is my reward. Before, that had nothing to do with the powers. That was a side effect of killing a demon, like when you became telepathic. I can't give this back and I wouldn't if I could."
"Why did you remember and I didn't?" she asks.
"Because the day was swallowed. No one remembered it, except me. I had to remember so that I could make sure it didn't happen again." I say.
"So you just took a whole day away from me without asking?" Her voice wavers.
"I'm sorry. I didn't want you to hurt. You have no idea what it was like to remember what I'd given up, especially after you died." I say.
"No, I don't. But I do know what it's like to have bittersweet memories and to cherish every single memory I have with you. I know what it's like to have only memories to sustain you through the darkest part of the night. I know what it's like eat and breathe and sleep those memories. I could have had those to remind me that there was life worth living, to remind me that one time I wasn't a cold dead thing. I could have had that memory to remind me that someone in this world cared if I lived or died. Instead you left me and you took that away from me."
The spot just below my rib cage, the sword wound, aches. She pulls away from me and dresses in silence. I grab a pair of pajama pants and slip them on.
"Buffy, I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't even know about the shanshu prophecy when that happened. The only thing I knew was I wanted to save your life, so I did the only thing I could." I say.
"Once again, Angel, you chose a life without me."
"Only because I couldn't live in a world without you in it." I say.
She looks down at her feet. Her toenails are painted burgundy today. I can see the tears drip off the end of her nose and fall on her feet, perfect beautiful little feet, far too delicate to support the weight of the world.
"I've got to go. I can't breathe." She says and runs out, snagging her shoes from their place by the couch.
And the apartment is infinitely empty without her in it.
-Buffy-
He took an entire day away from me. He took our most beautiful moment without a second thought. That hurts so much more then the fact that he traded his humanity for my life. That part, I get. It hurts and I cry for it, but I get it. I would trade my life for his in the space of a heartbeat. I wouldn't take memories away from him though, never ever, especially not memories so beautiful that they make me weep in remembrance. I walk bare foot through the city, my shoes in my hand. It's cold and I know I should feel the cold concrete underneath my feet, but I don't.
I wandered around the entire day. It's almost dark before I return to my apartment. It seems more sterile and cold then it did yesterday. I pull all the drapes closed. The answering machine is beeping. I ignore it. The phone rings. I jerk the cord out of the wall. I put on my yummy sushi pajamas and crawl in bed. I think I'll just stay here, for the rest of forever.
-Angel-
I've called her every half hour since she walked out. I've left twenty messages on her machine. The machine doesn't even pick up anymore. It just rings and rings. I pick up the phone and call Willow. It's the only thing that's left to do. I ask her to come over to the apartment. The Day that Wasn't isn't really something you tell someone about over the phone, even if the someone wasn't there.
Willow gets to the apartment quickly, before I've even had time to compose my words.
"What happened, Angel? What went wrong? I can't get a hold of Buffy." Willow asks.
"It's my fault. You remember the Thanksgiving I went to Sunnydale to protect her and then she came to LA to see her father?" I say.
Willow nods.
"I don't know if she told you or not, but she stopped by my offices. She thought she was only there a few minutes. What really happened was much more complicated. We fought a Mohra demon. I was wounded and some of its blood mixed with my blood. A Mohra demon's blood is regenerative. I became human. Buffy and I spent an entire day and night together. The Mohra demon came back; we fought it and killed it but before we did it said that more would come. I went to the Oracles to talk to them, to see what it meant. They told me that if I remained human Buffy would die. I traded my humanity for her life. They turned the day back. I was the only one that remembered." I say.
Willow sits down on the couch with me. She looks pale and shaky. "Oh,"
There is a long, pregnant pause before she finally speaks again.
"So, I'm kind of taking a leap here, especially since my brain is in shock, but I guess somehow the spell made Buffy remember this?" Willow says.
I nod. "I don't know how. The day never happened. She couldn't remember."
"Well she could, kind of. I mean okay let's suppose that somehow, some part of her deep inside remembered, call it her soul, her heart, whatever, something remembered just not consciously. Unconsciously she probably also felt pain over that day. The spell was supposed to take away the pain from any memory that caused her pain. So it's kind of like a finder bug it gets in there and ferrets out all the memories that cause her pain. Once it finds those memories it's sorta got to drag it up so it can dull the pain. That's the best explanation I can come up with." Willow says with a sigh.
"I don't know what to do, Willow. I can't live without her." I'm fighting back tears. Its one thing to cry in front of Buffy, it's entirely another to cry in front of Willow. The silence in the room is oppressive. I'm losing my battle. I pinch the bridge of my nose and the tears overtake me. My shoulders shudder in response and before I know it I'm sobbing like a baby. Willow scoots over beside me on the couch and pats my shoulder.
"We'll do something, Angel. You'll get her back."
-Angel-
She weeps in her sleep. I don't know if it's part of Willow's spell or not. I hold her tight, her back curved against my stomach. I bury my nose in the nape of her neck and take deep breaths of her. It bothers me I can't tell anything by her scent, other then she still wears vanilla perfume. As a vampire I could ascertain that she was okay or hurt, or sad or scared by her scent alone. Now all I know is she wears vanilla perfume. I place a kiss on the nape of her neck and weep with her.
It's almost dawn when she starts talking in her sleep.
"Not enough time. I'll never forget, I'll never forget, I'll never forget." She murmurs.
My blood runs cold.
She wakes up and turns to me with sleepy gray eyes. There are still fresh tears on her cheeks. Her bottom lip trembles and I want to rewind time. I want to go back to the twizzler war and call Willow and tell her not to do the spell.
"I had the weirdest dream." She murmurs.
"Tell me about it." I manage to croak out. I want to press my mouth to hers and whisper go back to sleep, go back to sleep so this doesn't have to happen.
"You were human." She says in her sleepy voice.
"I am human, Buffy." I whisper into her hair.
"No, before, you were human before. I was there you found me on the beach. You kissed me in the daylight. We went to your apartment, the one you had at first in LA. We had tea and I was going to go home but then I touched you, couldn't stop after we touched, needed more, wanted more. We broke your table. We ate ice cream, and peanut butter and chocolate in your bed. You promised me if I went to sleep we'd make another day just like it. You broke your promise, Angel. We didn't. You asked some Oracles to take it back. You wanted to be a superhero again." Her voice is no longer sleepy but it's broken.
I don't say anything. I keep her close and take a deep breath of her. I memorize the feel of her, the smell of her. I know I'm never going to have this again.
"It wasn't a dream, was it Angel?" she asks.
I take another deep breath of her. I kiss the crown of her head. "No, it wasn't a dream. You hit most of the highlights, but you're wrong about why I took it back. If I stayed human, you would die. I couldn't be human if the price was your life. So I came back to the apartment I told you what I'd done. We kissed; we held each other and cried. You swore you'd never forget and then you did. The Oracles swallowed the day, you couldn't have remembered because it never happened." I say.
"I died anyway. I died and you gave up your humanity for nothing. You took away time that we could have had together." She says. She doesn't raise her voice. It's just got that horrible broken quality to it.
"Maybe, but we wouldn't have this." I say.
"This? This could end tomorrow. Sure I'm not the only one anymore but I'm still a slayer. Are you going to give this a test run too? Can you give it back if you don't like?" she asks.
I shake my head. "No, Buffy, this is my reward. Before, that had nothing to do with the powers. That was a side effect of killing a demon, like when you became telepathic. I can't give this back and I wouldn't if I could."
"Why did you remember and I didn't?" she asks.
"Because the day was swallowed. No one remembered it, except me. I had to remember so that I could make sure it didn't happen again." I say.
"So you just took a whole day away from me without asking?" Her voice wavers.
"I'm sorry. I didn't want you to hurt. You have no idea what it was like to remember what I'd given up, especially after you died." I say.
"No, I don't. But I do know what it's like to have bittersweet memories and to cherish every single memory I have with you. I know what it's like to have only memories to sustain you through the darkest part of the night. I know what it's like eat and breathe and sleep those memories. I could have had those to remind me that there was life worth living, to remind me that one time I wasn't a cold dead thing. I could have had that memory to remind me that someone in this world cared if I lived or died. Instead you left me and you took that away from me."
The spot just below my rib cage, the sword wound, aches. She pulls away from me and dresses in silence. I grab a pair of pajama pants and slip them on.
"Buffy, I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't even know about the shanshu prophecy when that happened. The only thing I knew was I wanted to save your life, so I did the only thing I could." I say.
"Once again, Angel, you chose a life without me."
"Only because I couldn't live in a world without you in it." I say.
She looks down at her feet. Her toenails are painted burgundy today. I can see the tears drip off the end of her nose and fall on her feet, perfect beautiful little feet, far too delicate to support the weight of the world.
"I've got to go. I can't breathe." She says and runs out, snagging her shoes from their place by the couch.
And the apartment is infinitely empty without her in it.
-Buffy-
He took an entire day away from me. He took our most beautiful moment without a second thought. That hurts so much more then the fact that he traded his humanity for my life. That part, I get. It hurts and I cry for it, but I get it. I would trade my life for his in the space of a heartbeat. I wouldn't take memories away from him though, never ever, especially not memories so beautiful that they make me weep in remembrance. I walk bare foot through the city, my shoes in my hand. It's cold and I know I should feel the cold concrete underneath my feet, but I don't.
I wandered around the entire day. It's almost dark before I return to my apartment. It seems more sterile and cold then it did yesterday. I pull all the drapes closed. The answering machine is beeping. I ignore it. The phone rings. I jerk the cord out of the wall. I put on my yummy sushi pajamas and crawl in bed. I think I'll just stay here, for the rest of forever.
-Angel-
I've called her every half hour since she walked out. I've left twenty messages on her machine. The machine doesn't even pick up anymore. It just rings and rings. I pick up the phone and call Willow. It's the only thing that's left to do. I ask her to come over to the apartment. The Day that Wasn't isn't really something you tell someone about over the phone, even if the someone wasn't there.
Willow gets to the apartment quickly, before I've even had time to compose my words.
"What happened, Angel? What went wrong? I can't get a hold of Buffy." Willow asks.
"It's my fault. You remember the Thanksgiving I went to Sunnydale to protect her and then she came to LA to see her father?" I say.
Willow nods.
"I don't know if she told you or not, but she stopped by my offices. She thought she was only there a few minutes. What really happened was much more complicated. We fought a Mohra demon. I was wounded and some of its blood mixed with my blood. A Mohra demon's blood is regenerative. I became human. Buffy and I spent an entire day and night together. The Mohra demon came back; we fought it and killed it but before we did it said that more would come. I went to the Oracles to talk to them, to see what it meant. They told me that if I remained human Buffy would die. I traded my humanity for her life. They turned the day back. I was the only one that remembered." I say.
Willow sits down on the couch with me. She looks pale and shaky. "Oh,"
There is a long, pregnant pause before she finally speaks again.
"So, I'm kind of taking a leap here, especially since my brain is in shock, but I guess somehow the spell made Buffy remember this?" Willow says.
I nod. "I don't know how. The day never happened. She couldn't remember."
"Well she could, kind of. I mean okay let's suppose that somehow, some part of her deep inside remembered, call it her soul, her heart, whatever, something remembered just not consciously. Unconsciously she probably also felt pain over that day. The spell was supposed to take away the pain from any memory that caused her pain. So it's kind of like a finder bug it gets in there and ferrets out all the memories that cause her pain. Once it finds those memories it's sorta got to drag it up so it can dull the pain. That's the best explanation I can come up with." Willow says with a sigh.
"I don't know what to do, Willow. I can't live without her." I'm fighting back tears. Its one thing to cry in front of Buffy, it's entirely another to cry in front of Willow. The silence in the room is oppressive. I'm losing my battle. I pinch the bridge of my nose and the tears overtake me. My shoulders shudder in response and before I know it I'm sobbing like a baby. Willow scoots over beside me on the couch and pats my shoulder.
"We'll do something, Angel. You'll get her back."