Stumble Into Grace- Chapter 17
-Buffy-
Angel has called every day. I refuse to take his calls. He's come by the apartment. I won't answer the door. I don't go to work anymore. I don't do anything except lay in bed and sleep. Sometimes I cry. I was right in the beginning, there's too much history, to much pain. Love doesn't conquer all. It's just a pretty platitude to tell young girls. At an ancient age of almost 29, I know the truth. If love really conquered all, well, do I even have to go there?
Willow comes by every day and brings my mail inside. She tries to talk to me. Mostly I pretend I'm asleep. I know she's on Angel's side. Somehow that hurts too. I remember years ago when she told me the best friends job was to vilify and grouse. She's not doing a very good job of either right now. Dawn came back from college a few days ago, for winter break. She's been staying with Giles. I'm glad. I don't want anyone here.
Willow comes in for her daily visit. I lay in bed with my eyes closed. I hope she'll just go away and give up on the talking. She doesn't. She comes into my room and sits down on the bed.
"First of all, I know you're not asleep, Buffy. Secondly, I know you're mad at Angel and I don't blame you, but he screwed up. He did something that he thought was in your best interests. He didn't want you to die. He loves you and he's going to grieve himself to death if you don't get off your self righteous ass and go talk to him."
I open one eye. Willow has resolve face. Her arms are folded over her chest. She's obviously not going anywhere. I sigh and turn over on my back.
"Ah ha! I knew you weren't asleep." She says.
I grumble.
"Buffy, I'm serious. He looks even worse then you do. He doesn't eat, he doesn't sleep. He hasn't shaved or showered since you left him. He was stupid. He should have discussed this with you before he did anything, but he made a spur of the moment decision to save your life. Kind of like the spur of the moment decision to save Dawn's life that you didn't discuss with any of us that left you pretty much dead." Willow says.
"Will, it's not that part that hurts so badly. It's the part where he took away my memories. What if Oz erased all the memories you two made in college because it would erase the pain you felt when he left?" I ask.
Willow thinks about my question for a moment. "I'd be mad. I get that. But here's the thing, Buffy, Oz and I are making new memories and they are so much better then the memories we made in college. And the thing that's even better then that, we're not just making memories; we're making a life together. You and Angel have that same chance. That day you didn't remember, you can make a thousand more days just like that one, maybe even better. But if you want to stay in this room and rot and let him rot with you, then there's nothing Angel or I can do."
She stands up and starts to walk out the door.
"Will, wait." I say.
She turns to look at me. "Tomorrow night is Christmas Eve. We're having a happy Hanukkah Merry Christmas celebration my house. Dawn, Giles, Xander, and Angel are going to be there. We'd like to have you there too."
"You invited him over for the holidays?" I say, a bit hurt that Angel got the invitation before I did.
"Yes, Buffy. I wasn't going to let him spend it alone. It's his first holiday human." Willow says walking out the door.
I spend the rest of the day and night curled in my bed trying to make decisions about me, Angel and the future we may or may not have together.
When morning comes I get up off my ass and go Christmas shopping. I ordered Angel's present ages ago. It's sitting in a box on my table. I've still got to find something for Willow, Giles, Oz, Xander and Dawn.
I rush back home with my gifts with just enough time to wrap them and throw on the new white sweater and black pants I bought. I fiddle with my hair on the cab ride to Willow's house. Now that I've got time to think about it, I'm nervous. This is my first Christmas with Angel since that morning it snowed in Sunnydale. That was the most beautiful Christmas of my life. Angel and I spent the entire day walking through the deserted snow covered streets of Sunnydale. We walked until I was numb with cold, but I didn't want to go home. I didn't want the day to stop. It was a day where the world stood still and made time for just me and Angel. The cab pulls up to Willow's townhouse. The ride was way short this time. I tip the driver good since its Christmas and stand on Willow's steps with my bag full of Christmas presents. I take deep breaths. I think I'm going to faint. The door opens and I'm so glad its Oz standing there and not Angel.
"Happy Holidays," he says as he takes the bag of presents from me.
"Is he here?" I whisper.
Oz grins. "I'll assume you mean he with a capital H."
"Well, duh." I grin back at him.
"He is. He's drinking cider with the others in the living room."
"Okay, I can do this." I whisper and step into the house. I walk silently to the living room and stand on the threshold. He's standing there with a cup in hand talking to Giles about something, probably old books. He is so beautiful tears rush to my eyes. He's wearing a sweater of dark burgundy and blue jeans. I smile. I don't think I've ever seen Angel in blue jeans. He feels me and glances up, looking for me. His eyes find mine and his entire face lights up. I can almost read his thoughts. She's here, she came, and she's here. Giles is still talking when Angel starts towards me. I meet him in the middle of the room. His arms go around me instinctively and I bury myself in him. I take a deep breath. He smells so good, he feels so good, like home. He touches my face, fingers gliding over my nose, my cheekbones, my eyebrows, my jaw and coming to rest on my lips.
"You're real." He whispers.
I smile. "So are you."
"I thought I'd lost you forever." His voice cracks.
I shake my head slightly. "Can't lose me."
He smiles and kisses my forehead, pulling me closer to him. "Not going to try. Forgive me?"
"Promise never to hide anything from me again." I say.
"Promise. I've been miserable without you." He says.
"I know. Willow told me. I was too."
"I know. She told me." He takes a deep breath of me. "Missed you. I hurt without you, Buffy."
"I know the feeling." I say.
It takes a little while to convince the both us that we're here. Eventually we both become aware that there are other people around us. They have gotten used to us by now. They know Angel makes everything in the world fade away and have gotten past the feeling hurt thing. Willow puts a cup of cider in my hand.
I can't remember a Christmas since I was a slayer like this one. My family, the only one I have, the only one I'd want, is gathered around me. There's a fire blazing and it's actually cold enough outside to warrant one. The angel on top of the Christmas tree brushes the high ceiling and there are brightly wrapped presents under it. I grin; Willow has finally succumbed to the pressure of worshipping Santa. We're singing Christmas carols, and Hanukkah songs, at the top of our lungs. I'm sitting next to the man I love literally more then life itself.
"Come on, it's got to be present time." Dawn says for the fourth time that night.
"Okay, Dawnie. You wanna play Santa?" Willow asks.
"We should have gotten Giles a Santa suit." Dawn says.
I giggle. The idea of Giles in a Santa suit is just amusing.
"That would be Father Christmas, thank you very much." Giles says with a smile.
The presents are handed all around. We open them one at a time, going around the circle, to make Christmas last longer. I watch pensively as Angel opens his from me. His eyes mist over as he holds it in his hand. It's a red alabaster heart the size of the center of my palm. Across the top it is engraved "Mo Croi"
"It's Gaelic for-"I start.
"My Heart." He finishes with a smile.
I nod. "I give you my heart,"
He kisses me slowly, lingering. Someone clears their throat and we pull away bashfully.
"We'd like to finish presents this century." Xander says with playfulness toward me and Angel that is new.
Angel's gift to me is last. It's a small box and I open it with shaking fingers. Inside is a thin gold band with the words "Amor Vincit Omnia" surrounding the band.
"Latin, love conquers all." Angel says as he slips it on the second finger of my left hand. I look up at him with an arching brow.
"Wrong finger?" I say looking pointedly at the third finger on my left hand.
"I have plans for that other finger, later." He says. I thread my arms around his neck. Damn the rest of the presents. I have everything I have ever wanted in my arms right now. I mean , hello, human Angel. I've only wanted this for as long as I've known him.
It's 2am by the time everyone gets ushered out of Oz and Willow's house. We're supposed to return there for dinner and more family holiday happiness in a few hours. We get into Angel's car. He cranks it and then turns to look at me.
"If you want me to take you home, I will." He says.
"I do." I say.
He looks almost hurt. I reach out and lay my hand on his cheek. "Home is where ever you are, Angel. It always has been. Besides, that apartment, entirely too big for you."
He gives me one of my smiles and my heart flip flops. God I love this man with everything in me. I snuggle up against his side, stretched over the gap between the seats. He wraps his arm around me and drives with one hand on the steering wheel.
"I love my present." He says.
"I bought it weeks ago. You're a very hard man to buy for." I yawn sleepily.
"I'm not. My wish list was very short. All I wanted was you." He says.
"Consider me signed sealed and delivered then." I glance down at the thin gold band on my finger. "Sometimes it's true, love does conquer all."
We're both so drunk on love; Angel never sees the car run the red light.
-Buffy-
Angel has called every day. I refuse to take his calls. He's come by the apartment. I won't answer the door. I don't go to work anymore. I don't do anything except lay in bed and sleep. Sometimes I cry. I was right in the beginning, there's too much history, to much pain. Love doesn't conquer all. It's just a pretty platitude to tell young girls. At an ancient age of almost 29, I know the truth. If love really conquered all, well, do I even have to go there?
Willow comes by every day and brings my mail inside. She tries to talk to me. Mostly I pretend I'm asleep. I know she's on Angel's side. Somehow that hurts too. I remember years ago when she told me the best friends job was to vilify and grouse. She's not doing a very good job of either right now. Dawn came back from college a few days ago, for winter break. She's been staying with Giles. I'm glad. I don't want anyone here.
Willow comes in for her daily visit. I lay in bed with my eyes closed. I hope she'll just go away and give up on the talking. She doesn't. She comes into my room and sits down on the bed.
"First of all, I know you're not asleep, Buffy. Secondly, I know you're mad at Angel and I don't blame you, but he screwed up. He did something that he thought was in your best interests. He didn't want you to die. He loves you and he's going to grieve himself to death if you don't get off your self righteous ass and go talk to him."
I open one eye. Willow has resolve face. Her arms are folded over her chest. She's obviously not going anywhere. I sigh and turn over on my back.
"Ah ha! I knew you weren't asleep." She says.
I grumble.
"Buffy, I'm serious. He looks even worse then you do. He doesn't eat, he doesn't sleep. He hasn't shaved or showered since you left him. He was stupid. He should have discussed this with you before he did anything, but he made a spur of the moment decision to save your life. Kind of like the spur of the moment decision to save Dawn's life that you didn't discuss with any of us that left you pretty much dead." Willow says.
"Will, it's not that part that hurts so badly. It's the part where he took away my memories. What if Oz erased all the memories you two made in college because it would erase the pain you felt when he left?" I ask.
Willow thinks about my question for a moment. "I'd be mad. I get that. But here's the thing, Buffy, Oz and I are making new memories and they are so much better then the memories we made in college. And the thing that's even better then that, we're not just making memories; we're making a life together. You and Angel have that same chance. That day you didn't remember, you can make a thousand more days just like that one, maybe even better. But if you want to stay in this room and rot and let him rot with you, then there's nothing Angel or I can do."
She stands up and starts to walk out the door.
"Will, wait." I say.
She turns to look at me. "Tomorrow night is Christmas Eve. We're having a happy Hanukkah Merry Christmas celebration my house. Dawn, Giles, Xander, and Angel are going to be there. We'd like to have you there too."
"You invited him over for the holidays?" I say, a bit hurt that Angel got the invitation before I did.
"Yes, Buffy. I wasn't going to let him spend it alone. It's his first holiday human." Willow says walking out the door.
I spend the rest of the day and night curled in my bed trying to make decisions about me, Angel and the future we may or may not have together.
When morning comes I get up off my ass and go Christmas shopping. I ordered Angel's present ages ago. It's sitting in a box on my table. I've still got to find something for Willow, Giles, Oz, Xander and Dawn.
I rush back home with my gifts with just enough time to wrap them and throw on the new white sweater and black pants I bought. I fiddle with my hair on the cab ride to Willow's house. Now that I've got time to think about it, I'm nervous. This is my first Christmas with Angel since that morning it snowed in Sunnydale. That was the most beautiful Christmas of my life. Angel and I spent the entire day walking through the deserted snow covered streets of Sunnydale. We walked until I was numb with cold, but I didn't want to go home. I didn't want the day to stop. It was a day where the world stood still and made time for just me and Angel. The cab pulls up to Willow's townhouse. The ride was way short this time. I tip the driver good since its Christmas and stand on Willow's steps with my bag full of Christmas presents. I take deep breaths. I think I'm going to faint. The door opens and I'm so glad its Oz standing there and not Angel.
"Happy Holidays," he says as he takes the bag of presents from me.
"Is he here?" I whisper.
Oz grins. "I'll assume you mean he with a capital H."
"Well, duh." I grin back at him.
"He is. He's drinking cider with the others in the living room."
"Okay, I can do this." I whisper and step into the house. I walk silently to the living room and stand on the threshold. He's standing there with a cup in hand talking to Giles about something, probably old books. He is so beautiful tears rush to my eyes. He's wearing a sweater of dark burgundy and blue jeans. I smile. I don't think I've ever seen Angel in blue jeans. He feels me and glances up, looking for me. His eyes find mine and his entire face lights up. I can almost read his thoughts. She's here, she came, and she's here. Giles is still talking when Angel starts towards me. I meet him in the middle of the room. His arms go around me instinctively and I bury myself in him. I take a deep breath. He smells so good, he feels so good, like home. He touches my face, fingers gliding over my nose, my cheekbones, my eyebrows, my jaw and coming to rest on my lips.
"You're real." He whispers.
I smile. "So are you."
"I thought I'd lost you forever." His voice cracks.
I shake my head slightly. "Can't lose me."
He smiles and kisses my forehead, pulling me closer to him. "Not going to try. Forgive me?"
"Promise never to hide anything from me again." I say.
"Promise. I've been miserable without you." He says.
"I know. Willow told me. I was too."
"I know. She told me." He takes a deep breath of me. "Missed you. I hurt without you, Buffy."
"I know the feeling." I say.
It takes a little while to convince the both us that we're here. Eventually we both become aware that there are other people around us. They have gotten used to us by now. They know Angel makes everything in the world fade away and have gotten past the feeling hurt thing. Willow puts a cup of cider in my hand.
I can't remember a Christmas since I was a slayer like this one. My family, the only one I have, the only one I'd want, is gathered around me. There's a fire blazing and it's actually cold enough outside to warrant one. The angel on top of the Christmas tree brushes the high ceiling and there are brightly wrapped presents under it. I grin; Willow has finally succumbed to the pressure of worshipping Santa. We're singing Christmas carols, and Hanukkah songs, at the top of our lungs. I'm sitting next to the man I love literally more then life itself.
"Come on, it's got to be present time." Dawn says for the fourth time that night.
"Okay, Dawnie. You wanna play Santa?" Willow asks.
"We should have gotten Giles a Santa suit." Dawn says.
I giggle. The idea of Giles in a Santa suit is just amusing.
"That would be Father Christmas, thank you very much." Giles says with a smile.
The presents are handed all around. We open them one at a time, going around the circle, to make Christmas last longer. I watch pensively as Angel opens his from me. His eyes mist over as he holds it in his hand. It's a red alabaster heart the size of the center of my palm. Across the top it is engraved "Mo Croi"
"It's Gaelic for-"I start.
"My Heart." He finishes with a smile.
I nod. "I give you my heart,"
He kisses me slowly, lingering. Someone clears their throat and we pull away bashfully.
"We'd like to finish presents this century." Xander says with playfulness toward me and Angel that is new.
Angel's gift to me is last. It's a small box and I open it with shaking fingers. Inside is a thin gold band with the words "Amor Vincit Omnia" surrounding the band.
"Latin, love conquers all." Angel says as he slips it on the second finger of my left hand. I look up at him with an arching brow.
"Wrong finger?" I say looking pointedly at the third finger on my left hand.
"I have plans for that other finger, later." He says. I thread my arms around his neck. Damn the rest of the presents. I have everything I have ever wanted in my arms right now. I mean , hello, human Angel. I've only wanted this for as long as I've known him.
It's 2am by the time everyone gets ushered out of Oz and Willow's house. We're supposed to return there for dinner and more family holiday happiness in a few hours. We get into Angel's car. He cranks it and then turns to look at me.
"If you want me to take you home, I will." He says.
"I do." I say.
He looks almost hurt. I reach out and lay my hand on his cheek. "Home is where ever you are, Angel. It always has been. Besides, that apartment, entirely too big for you."
He gives me one of my smiles and my heart flip flops. God I love this man with everything in me. I snuggle up against his side, stretched over the gap between the seats. He wraps his arm around me and drives with one hand on the steering wheel.
"I love my present." He says.
"I bought it weeks ago. You're a very hard man to buy for." I yawn sleepily.
"I'm not. My wish list was very short. All I wanted was you." He says.
"Consider me signed sealed and delivered then." I glance down at the thin gold band on my finger. "Sometimes it's true, love does conquer all."
We're both so drunk on love; Angel never sees the car run the red light.