A/N I apologize in advance for my ignorance on paralysis. I really did try
to research this stuff but it made me go cross eyed, so I'm going to do the
best of I can with what I read/know.
Stumble Into Grace-Chapter 19
-Angel-
I struggle against the heavy weight holding me down. I know she's here, somewhere. I can feel her in the pit of my stomach, my heart of hearts, whatever you want to call it. I just can't get to her. She's crying. I can hear her. It drives me crazy. I struggle harder. The only thought I have is to make her tears stop. I try to squeeze her hand, but it doesn't work. I concentrate harder and squeeze again. This time I feel her little hand squeeze mine back. She's talking to me. Her words sound far away. I concentrate on her voice and push back the weight pulling me under. I open my eyes, slowly at first. She's kneeling beside the bed.
"Buffy," I try my voice out and it doesn't work as well as I had thought it would. Her name sounds more like a rough exhalation then a word. She stands up and bends over me.
"Angel, Angel, you're awake. Oh, God, you're awake. Don't go back to sleep. I'm just going to yell at Giles to get the doctor." She steps to the door way and literally yells at Giles to get a doctor. I'd smile at that if it didn't hurt so much. I can imagine the nurses don't take kindly to her yelling in a hospital. She's back at my side instantly.
"Are you okay?" I ask
She smiles at me and I feel some of the pain slip away. "I'm better now. You had me worried." Her voice is strained.
'Sorry," I say. I close my eyes. I'm exhausted again.
"Angel, the doctor is on his way. Can you stay awake for him?" she says.
I shake my head very slightly, not opening my eyes.
"Angel, for me." I can hear the tears in her voice.
I open my eyes slowly and look at her. For her, I can do anything.
*
I've been here a week. I know because I asked Buffy. Giles eventually got a hold of Wesley. He's going to be here sometime today. They moved me into a large private suite in the hospital a few days ago. There's even a bed for Buffy to sleep in. She hasn't left my side since I woke up. Giles and Willow have been there almost as much. I have had a battery of tests run in the past two days. They won't give me any definitive answers on anything.
Buffy is sitting on the bed next to me. We're watching some pointless game show on TV and waiting for the doctor to come tell us about my latest tests. Buffy is snuggled up into my chest. My arm is around her shoulders. Her hand is on my thigh, and I can't feel it, at all. I swallow and tear my eyes away from her hand. I lean my head back and close my eyes. Buffy presses a kiss to my neck, which thankfully I can feel.
I try to quell my nerves about not being able to feel my legs or my feet. When the doctor gets here, he'll give us a more through report on what it means, if anything. The door opens and Buffy and I both turn toward the door. Dr. Fultan walks in. He smiles at us and pulls a chair up next to the bed.
"I've gone over your tests, Angel and I've got some news. The nerve damage is in what we call the S1-5 section of the spinal cord, your lower back. Unfortunately there's not much we can do for it. This is something the body has to take care of and heal itself. After you've had some time to heal we'll get you into some physical therapy. Right now, we wait." The doctor says.
"Am I going to get feeling back in my legs? Am I going to be able to walk?" I ask.
"Again, we don't know. We just have to wait. There's a window of time, a week to six months, for spontaneous recovery, after that, things are probably as good as they are going to get."
"What does that mean? As good as it's going to get?" Buffy asked.
"We don't know." Dr. Fultan said.
-Buffy-
I lean back wearily against the elevator and close my eyes. Just when I didn't think life could throw anything harder at me, it managed a curve ball like this. The elevator doors open and I step out. I'm beyond tired. I'm soul weary. I want to rage and scream at the Powers for doing this to us. It's not fair. They give us everything we've ever wanted and then they do something like this. Angel, my Angel may never walk again.
There's a crash and I hear yelling. I start running up the hall to Angel's room just as a bed pan is thrown out in the hallway.
"If I need to piss I can drag my own fucking ass there! I don't need a nurse bringing some fucking pan." Angel growls at the top of his lungs. He manages a pretty scary growl. Angelus would be proud.
I apologize to the nurse coming out of Angel's room crying. I walk in.
"Angel, honey, you can't do things like that. You made her cry."
"I don't fucking care. She wants me to piss in some damn bowl, like I'm a fucking invalid." Angel is still screaming at the top of his lungs.
I bite my lips. "Okay. So how do you want to do this? I can help you to the bathroom."
"Buffy, I am not going to pee with you holding me up." He lowers his voice but maintains the growly quality to it.
"Then what do you suggest, Angel? You want them to put the catheter back in?"
"No," he growls.
The bathroom is made for handicapped people. The toilet is surrounded by a brushed steel railing. An idea begins to form. "Okay, suggestion. If I help you into the bathroom, do you think you can support yourself on the rail around the toilet long enough?"
He nods. He keeps his eyes on the floor. He refuses to look me in the eye. Dark and glowery doesn't even begin to describe the expression on his face. I lower the railing on the side of his bed and drape his right arm over my shoulders. I wrap my arm around his waist. He uses his left arm to help me scoot him off the edge of the bed.
"Okay, ready?" I ask.
He nods.
I lift Angel off the bed, thankful for slayer strength of my thighs of steel video. Angel is heavy. The tears rush to my eyes. His legs are useless. He can't support any weight on them. He can't even make them stay underneath him.
"Just put me back in bed, Buffy. Call the nurse and tell her I'm sorry." He looks out the window, refusing to meet my eyes.
"Angel-"I start.
"I don't want to discuss it, Buffy. Put me back in bed." His voice is cold and hard. It's a voice I have rarely ever heard.
I do as he asks. I tuck a blanket around his legs. He looks so defeated and so hopeless. It makes me feel useless. I want to scream and rage at the world around me. I want to make this better and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
"Buffy, go." He says.
"Go? Where?" I say looking at him with disbelief.
"I don't know. Go back to the apartment, Willow's, Giles', the magic shop, anywhere. Just go. I want to be alone." He says.
"Angel, I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right here with you." I reach out a hand to touch his face. He slaps it away.
"Get the Hell away from me." He snarls.
"Angel, I don't know what your trauma is, but you need to get over it." I say.
"My 'trauma' is you. Get the fuck out of my sight right now." He growls.
I stare at him. Tears fill my eyes. I turn and run out of the room as fast as I can. I take the stairs. I don't stop running until I'm at his apartment. I fumble with my keys. I can't find the right one. I'm crying too hard. Finally the right key slides in the lock and I retreat to the sanctuary of Angel's bedroom. I lay on the bed sobbing. This is a nightmare. I'm going to wake up any minute now and it will all be a nightmare.
Stumble Into Grace-Chapter 19
-Angel-
I struggle against the heavy weight holding me down. I know she's here, somewhere. I can feel her in the pit of my stomach, my heart of hearts, whatever you want to call it. I just can't get to her. She's crying. I can hear her. It drives me crazy. I struggle harder. The only thought I have is to make her tears stop. I try to squeeze her hand, but it doesn't work. I concentrate harder and squeeze again. This time I feel her little hand squeeze mine back. She's talking to me. Her words sound far away. I concentrate on her voice and push back the weight pulling me under. I open my eyes, slowly at first. She's kneeling beside the bed.
"Buffy," I try my voice out and it doesn't work as well as I had thought it would. Her name sounds more like a rough exhalation then a word. She stands up and bends over me.
"Angel, Angel, you're awake. Oh, God, you're awake. Don't go back to sleep. I'm just going to yell at Giles to get the doctor." She steps to the door way and literally yells at Giles to get a doctor. I'd smile at that if it didn't hurt so much. I can imagine the nurses don't take kindly to her yelling in a hospital. She's back at my side instantly.
"Are you okay?" I ask
She smiles at me and I feel some of the pain slip away. "I'm better now. You had me worried." Her voice is strained.
'Sorry," I say. I close my eyes. I'm exhausted again.
"Angel, the doctor is on his way. Can you stay awake for him?" she says.
I shake my head very slightly, not opening my eyes.
"Angel, for me." I can hear the tears in her voice.
I open my eyes slowly and look at her. For her, I can do anything.
*
I've been here a week. I know because I asked Buffy. Giles eventually got a hold of Wesley. He's going to be here sometime today. They moved me into a large private suite in the hospital a few days ago. There's even a bed for Buffy to sleep in. She hasn't left my side since I woke up. Giles and Willow have been there almost as much. I have had a battery of tests run in the past two days. They won't give me any definitive answers on anything.
Buffy is sitting on the bed next to me. We're watching some pointless game show on TV and waiting for the doctor to come tell us about my latest tests. Buffy is snuggled up into my chest. My arm is around her shoulders. Her hand is on my thigh, and I can't feel it, at all. I swallow and tear my eyes away from her hand. I lean my head back and close my eyes. Buffy presses a kiss to my neck, which thankfully I can feel.
I try to quell my nerves about not being able to feel my legs or my feet. When the doctor gets here, he'll give us a more through report on what it means, if anything. The door opens and Buffy and I both turn toward the door. Dr. Fultan walks in. He smiles at us and pulls a chair up next to the bed.
"I've gone over your tests, Angel and I've got some news. The nerve damage is in what we call the S1-5 section of the spinal cord, your lower back. Unfortunately there's not much we can do for it. This is something the body has to take care of and heal itself. After you've had some time to heal we'll get you into some physical therapy. Right now, we wait." The doctor says.
"Am I going to get feeling back in my legs? Am I going to be able to walk?" I ask.
"Again, we don't know. We just have to wait. There's a window of time, a week to six months, for spontaneous recovery, after that, things are probably as good as they are going to get."
"What does that mean? As good as it's going to get?" Buffy asked.
"We don't know." Dr. Fultan said.
-Buffy-
I lean back wearily against the elevator and close my eyes. Just when I didn't think life could throw anything harder at me, it managed a curve ball like this. The elevator doors open and I step out. I'm beyond tired. I'm soul weary. I want to rage and scream at the Powers for doing this to us. It's not fair. They give us everything we've ever wanted and then they do something like this. Angel, my Angel may never walk again.
There's a crash and I hear yelling. I start running up the hall to Angel's room just as a bed pan is thrown out in the hallway.
"If I need to piss I can drag my own fucking ass there! I don't need a nurse bringing some fucking pan." Angel growls at the top of his lungs. He manages a pretty scary growl. Angelus would be proud.
I apologize to the nurse coming out of Angel's room crying. I walk in.
"Angel, honey, you can't do things like that. You made her cry."
"I don't fucking care. She wants me to piss in some damn bowl, like I'm a fucking invalid." Angel is still screaming at the top of his lungs.
I bite my lips. "Okay. So how do you want to do this? I can help you to the bathroom."
"Buffy, I am not going to pee with you holding me up." He lowers his voice but maintains the growly quality to it.
"Then what do you suggest, Angel? You want them to put the catheter back in?"
"No," he growls.
The bathroom is made for handicapped people. The toilet is surrounded by a brushed steel railing. An idea begins to form. "Okay, suggestion. If I help you into the bathroom, do you think you can support yourself on the rail around the toilet long enough?"
He nods. He keeps his eyes on the floor. He refuses to look me in the eye. Dark and glowery doesn't even begin to describe the expression on his face. I lower the railing on the side of his bed and drape his right arm over my shoulders. I wrap my arm around his waist. He uses his left arm to help me scoot him off the edge of the bed.
"Okay, ready?" I ask.
He nods.
I lift Angel off the bed, thankful for slayer strength of my thighs of steel video. Angel is heavy. The tears rush to my eyes. His legs are useless. He can't support any weight on them. He can't even make them stay underneath him.
"Just put me back in bed, Buffy. Call the nurse and tell her I'm sorry." He looks out the window, refusing to meet my eyes.
"Angel-"I start.
"I don't want to discuss it, Buffy. Put me back in bed." His voice is cold and hard. It's a voice I have rarely ever heard.
I do as he asks. I tuck a blanket around his legs. He looks so defeated and so hopeless. It makes me feel useless. I want to scream and rage at the world around me. I want to make this better and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
"Buffy, go." He says.
"Go? Where?" I say looking at him with disbelief.
"I don't know. Go back to the apartment, Willow's, Giles', the magic shop, anywhere. Just go. I want to be alone." He says.
"Angel, I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right here with you." I reach out a hand to touch his face. He slaps it away.
"Get the Hell away from me." He snarls.
"Angel, I don't know what your trauma is, but you need to get over it." I say.
"My 'trauma' is you. Get the fuck out of my sight right now." He growls.
I stare at him. Tears fill my eyes. I turn and run out of the room as fast as I can. I take the stairs. I don't stop running until I'm at his apartment. I fumble with my keys. I can't find the right one. I'm crying too hard. Finally the right key slides in the lock and I retreat to the sanctuary of Angel's bedroom. I lay on the bed sobbing. This is a nightmare. I'm going to wake up any minute now and it will all be a nightmare.